Dia de los Muertos

The quiet enveloped me as I took a deep breath of the cool night air. Not even the trees whispered in the wind as I crossed the forest floor. My feet glided along soundlessly beneath me. I could make myself unknown and keep the forest creatures chittering around me, but tonight I felt like being totally and completely alone, at least for now. Animals were good at picking up my presence when I wanted them to, much better than humans were anyway. I could project myself just the slightest bit and a deer would turn in my direction or a bird would squawk in warning. I wasn’t a threat to them but how would they know that?

I continued on my path of solitude glancing up at the stars every so often to confirm I was headed North. I hadn’t walked this way in a very long time and everything felt the same and different to me now. I tried to remember exactly what happened the last time I was in this forest but it was such a blur. I continued my trek until I saw lights in the distance. A phantom heart rate picked up as did my pace. Soon enough I would be back in my old home.

My senses were much duller than they were just a few months ago but I swore I could smell the rich spices of my mothers kitchen and all the kitchens of the mothers of my town. I could see the outline of homes from where I stood now and I no longer needed to look up at the stars. No matter how long it had been I would know these streets. I didn’t need any senses to navigate the winding roads and alleyways back to my mothers house, just my heart, but I couldn’t say for sure I still had that.

I barely glanced around as I made my way through town. I was no longer completely alone as I had been on my trek here but I didn’t feel like engaging with anyone so I kept my presence dimmed. Keeping my head down I moved closer and closer to home. My stomach roiled as I turned my old corner and peered up. Cars lined the streets, some I recognized as my extended family while others must be neighbors and friends. This was going to be a rather large gathering I guessed and I wasn’t quite sure how they would welcome me.

I crept to the front door and turned the handle slipping inside quickly as I did so. The house was packed with my family and the noise was deafening after the silence I had so come to enjoy. There were so many people that one additional guest would never be noticed, not unless they wanted to be. I squeezed through the throngs of family without a second glance. I needed to get to the center of the room before I decided what to do. As I pushed past Uncle Tino I saw it.

There in the middle of the room as I had so hoped was a shrine, the biggest one I had ever seen. The table spilled over with candies and food, elaborately decorated with skulls, flags and candles. Purple, my favorite color, popped in various locations and there in the middle was a giant framed photo of an old university picture. I was only twenty in the photo but I guess I hadn’t made it long enough in my twenty-first year to use something more recent. It was my first Dia De Los Muertos on the other side of the celebration.

Mama was in the middle of the room, hosting as she always did in her bright red lipstick and million dollar smile but she didn’t actually look happy. The smile she wore was not her usual one that exuded warmth and understanding it was pained and forced and all wrong. I wanted to run to her arms and tell her it was okay, that I was okay and she should celebrate, I was here! I was with her just like we wanted but I couldn’t.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder startling me from my wishful thinking. I was in such a daze I forgot that I shouldn’t be able to feel anything from anyone. The realization struck me and I whirled around. “Abuela?” I nearly shouted at the beautiful woman grasping me softly. Her face was that of photographs I had seen so many times on days just like today but I had never met her. She was beautiful, and similarly to myself, taken much too young. She made it to 55 before an illness took her. Mama gushed about her constantly to me, always telling me how much I reminded her of her own mother.

“Oh, Maria, I have been so looking forward to meeting you. I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances,” her voice was like honey as it rolled out. “What happened?” she asked me, her beautiful brown eyes reflecting the sadness I had just seen in Mamas.

“I, I, I..” stammering on my words I gripped her hand, “I don’t know,” I finally choked out. And it was true, I didn’t really know. The last thing I remember was being in the forest I had just come from.

“Ah, well we may find out yet,” she pulled me close to her and while no real warmth emanated between us something very close to it was there. “Come, my favorite part of the night is listening to stories about myself,” she said smiling. We moved closer to Mama who was commanding the room, as she always did. The faulty smile still on her face but just a bit of light in her eyes now as she told a story.

“Oh, mi amor, Maria she was such a trouble maker, just like her Abuela. Those two were the most free spirited women I ever knew. I told Maria about how as a young girl my mother and her friends decided to sneak a keg into the movie theater,” gasps resounded around the audience and Abuela's eyes twinkled in my direction.

“It really was no big deal,” she whispered to me although those around us couldn’t hear anyway. I ducked a little towards her and whispered back, “I think mine was a little worse..” trailing off as Mama raised her hands to settle the raucous crowd around her.

She stifled a laugh herself as she began again not answering the how, when and what's of the people surrounding her. “Now wait, that's not the story I’m trying to tell. Maria and her friends thought my Mother was the funniest woman in the world, although they never met her. They were inspired by her antics and decided to pull a stunt themselves. You know my Maria, she’s so creative she made these big fake pregnant bellies for her and her friends to wear.” Abuela looked at me impressed but in a slightly horrified way.

“Did it not look odd that a group of pregnant teens were walking into the movies together?” she asked me. “I think the people working at the theater were too scared to ask what was going on,” I laughed in response.

“So listen, listen, that isn’t even the best part!” Mama exclaimed as people smiled around her. “Most of the girls put snacks in their bellies but Maria decided she would be more like Abuela, but classier, and stuffed hers with a bag of wine!” Mama held up her glass of red to really prove the point. “But halfway through the movie the bag started leaking all over my sweet Maria. She went running out of the theater and when a security guard tried to stop her she pointed at her wine soaked body and yelled ‘SIR MY WATER JUST BROKE!’”

The room burst into laughter around us, including myself and Abuela. She smiled serenely at me as the laughter continued, “You and me, we’re going to be okay until we see her again,” she said, gesturing to my mom as her outrageous fit of giggles continued. I savored the sound. We would be.