Nobody can understand. Even if they would, I can NOT tell them. I don’t even know where to begin. The sunshine in my days has turned to darkness. How can anyone weather a storm with not a single ray of light to guide them? There’s an emptiness that nothing I try will fill. I can sense evil upon me. It is dragging me down as though I am sinking in quick sand. As if losing everything I own is not enough… I am losing my mind and sanity.
I break my silence. I confide in a choice few. Their advice I hear but can NOT bring myself to do. A few quick social engagements that I vaguely can recall. Even those, I had to force myself into going. Where did things start going wrong? When or better yet, WILL this ever end?
I can hear the chatter of people talking but can’t listen for the voices in my head. These racing thoughts over power me most of the time. Brokenness is an understatement. I feel lost in a world that continues to move on without me. My family and loved ones have enough problems and troubles of their own. So, I bottle this torment up inside. I allow it to suffocate me.
My mind tells me that there is only one way for all of this to end. I have lost all sense of reality. I must begin to prepare for what I know I must do. Anything else will be useless. This is my only solution. The torment cuts much worse than a sharp two bladed sword. It is leaving me bleeding out without anyone being able to notice. My screams seem to be muffled. My shine has been stolen. There will be clues I leave behind to exactly what has destroyed me. Please someone find them and put my soul to rest.
I cannot stop thinking about all the memories made during my lifetime. The family gatherings, the birthday parties, Christmas mornings, and everything I once enjoyed and loved doing so much. All of this has changed. I am losing my mind. I know some can see that. I know some have offered sound advice. But my reality is not their reality. My reality is no longer the reality in which I used to live in either.
She did not just move out during the divorce. She left with vengeance on her agenda. A vengeance, that as the humble father of her children, I could not foresee. This is a vengeance that my mind could not fathom. Her cold, bitter wrath will send cold chills down your back. My mind is unable to process the extent of what type of woman I had been married to all these years. I am trapped in a twilight zone with no escape except one that I can see.
Her voice over the phone brings me comfort but the words she says cuts me to the bone. Why? Why does she get so much pleasure out of pouring salt into my deepest wounds? There, that is the center of it all. The rest just adds fuel to the fire. She wanted this darkness to befall me. She orchestrated it all. The mastermind to my destruction. I cringe at the thought of her looking over my coffin as I lay cold and motionless inside. Her fake, crocodile tears make me sick and fuel my wrath.
I meticulously planned it all out. I will not delete anything from my phone so that the clues and truth will be known. I have told a few of my plans almost to the very day it will happen. My songs are chosen and delivered to the funeral home personally for when the day does finally arrive. I have sent messages with my final requests that I am aware that there are some that may not be able to be met. But at least I will know without any doubt that she will not just know but hear over and over my last thoughts of her. I cannot expect anyone to understand since I do not understand it myself. What would I say or do if I was not the one suffering? I do not know because even now that I am the one suffering, I cannot explain. I cannot understand this darkness, the emptiness, the pull on me downward into this pit that I cannot climb out of.
I feel the evilness… not within my soul… but all around me. It lurks and waits on me when I am alone. It has me powerless and controls me from socializing. This way it can keep me alone and torment me. It has me waiting for her next stabs that leave me in ruins. I just don’t have the energy anymore. I have lost the fight. Nothing seems worth fighting for. She has tainted everything that I love so dearly. She ruthlessly robs me of everything that I am and of everything that makes me who I have always been. Nobody knows the real truth. She hides behind her lies and manipulative ways while convincing many, even our children, that I am the liar. That is what pains me the most… our children. How can anyone even their own mother convince them of the things she has about me? How?
I grab hold of the hard piece of steel. Alone with only the noise of the television and her still rambling over the speaker phone to drown out these voices that refuse to be silent. With the handle gripped firmly in my right hand, I place the barrel snug under my chin. I take a long and slow gulp as I search for the courage to pull the trigger. I don’t hear the sound of the back door slowly open and close. Too caught up in my thoughts and the words stabbing into my heart and soul from her lips that I once would kiss with passion to hear the footsteps coming upon me. “Please, don’t do it!!” pierced through it all, “Please, daddy, please, don’t do it!” The gun falls to floor as my daughter wraps me into her arms sobbing. My little girl… my little girl… as I watch the tears pour from her eyes and soak her face, the thoughts stop, and the voices go silent, for a moment time seemed to have stopped.