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Funny Fiction Christmas

(Note from the author: I appreciate all of your support and comments!)





December.



Chad whistled "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch", as he pinned red, yellow, and green icicle lights to his porch railing. His smoky-gray two-story house was dusted with white reflecting sparkles that shimmered in Santa's sleigh's red and white lights in his yard. This year, he was going all out. No kids to mess it up, no wife to tell him it's too uneven, it was all his. But his next-door neighbor was the complete opposite.


James hummed "Carol of the Bells" while he stapled white ball lights to the bottom of the windows on the first floor of his house. Standing six feet already was easy until he had to reach the second-story windows with a ladder. He stopped, turning to look up when the front door opened. A young girl and boy raced out after a brown-and-white Jack Russell Terrier.

"Get Jax before he runs over into the mean guy's yard!" Hannah whisper-yelled to her brother. She was innocently nine years old, while her brother was eleven and acting like he was fifteen.

"You get him! I'm not going over there!" Ethan argued with a scoff.

James rolled his eyes, smiling. He would have scolded them if he didn't agree so much.

"Hannah, don't say that about Mr. Frost!" Jennifer, his wife, said as she walked down from the porch. "Ethan, go get your dog."

"Why's he my dog?" Ethan threw up his hands, grinning.

Jennifer sighed, ruffling his hair. "Your present, your dog. Go get him." She gave him a playful shove.

"Fine, fine! But if I get kidnapped, you'll never hear the end of it!" He called over his shoulder as he walked over their driveway of two cars and into the other yard. Hannah watched from the car, peeking out.

Jennifer made her way over to her husband, crossing her arms as she stood beside him where he watched Ethan chasing after Jax in Mr. Frost's yard.

"His name suits him," James said matter-of-factly.

Jennifer swatted his chest with the back of her hand. "This is why our kids say things about him, because you hate him."

"No, no," James looked around the neighbor's hard. "I never said that I hated him, he's a jerk!"

"How do you know?" Jennifer said, looking up at him.


Before James could reply, Mr. Frost came out of his house.

"Hey!" He must've thought it wasn't loud enough because he shouted again, "Hey!" and Hannah squealed, running back to her house.

Ethan grabbed Jax by the collar and glared at Mr. Frost while his dad ran over.

"Chad, would you knock it off?" James rolled his eyes, setting his hands on his hips with a smile.

Chad sputtered, then crossed his arms. "Your kids are on my property chasing this monster again!" He gripped the sides of his tan cardigan and pulled them together defiantly.

James scoffed. "Monster? Your giant terrorizer over there is more of a monster than I've ever seen!" He laughed, gesturing to his glass front door where a black Doberman stood alarmed. "I love dogs, I could write a whole book, but he's never made it to that list!"

Chad looked back at his dog then to James, stubbornly straightening up and crossing his arms again. "Oh, please! Anubis has never hurt a soul!" He argued.

James stared at him, then made a face. "Anubis, really? Isn't he like some Egyptian wrath god?" He grinned mockingly, really amused now.

Chad opened his mouth to say something, then closed it with a huff. He finally spoke up, stuttering irritably. "W-Well, that's just what people say. He was the god of the sun!" He shot back, smirking as if he'd won some sort of award.

"He really wasn't," James said almost immediately, an amused grin stuck on his face.

"How would you know? You're not some astronomer, are you?" Chad barked.

James muttered something snarky under his breath, about sighed, shaking his head. "Okay, well, look. Maybe we can work something out, or-"

"No, I'll tell you what we're going to do, Mr. Thorn," Chad cut in. "You're going to build a fence around your property, but make it white so it doesn't mess up my color contrast I have over here."

"Wha- no! There's no way on Earth that I'm putting up a fence just so you can have your peace from a little dog! This is the first time he's been in your yard in like a year!"

"Whatever," Chad grumbled. "Just keep him off of my lawn, at least until I can get my peonies planted."

James looked away, snorting lightly in amusement. "You're a gardener?" His voice was tight in an effort not to laugh.

"Yes, I am indeed. And no dog is going to ruin it." Chad said with a curt nod. With that, he turned around and went back into his house.


Ethan ran back over with Jax, and Hannah dropped to her knees to wrap her arms around the dog's neck happily.

Jennifer eyed James as he came back over, hands in the pockets of his jeans. "Well?"

"Well?" James repeated, smiling.

"Did he threaten you?" She teased.

"It was mutual..." James muttered, looking over to the yard. He saw Anubis appear on a chain outside, sitting there and staring at him. He shivered, shaking his head. "That dog weirds me out."

"I thought you loved dogs?" Jennifer tipped her head.

"Yeah... not that one," James stated simply, turning to go back inside with his family.




Spring.



James looked out of his bedroom window, arms crossed as he watched his neighbor on his knees very carefully setting flowers into soil, then covering the roots and starting soil.

"He's really doing it." He said to himself.

Jennifer came up behind him, hands on his shoulder as she set her chin there. "Who?"

James nodded his head in direction of Mr. Frost. "Our ray of sunshine wasn't lying when he said he gardened."

"Hm," Jennifer hummed. "Maybe you should find a hobby for it, too, because I need some flowers to be planted out front." She looked over at him from where her head was on his shoulder.

James sighed. "It's like- eighty degrees."

"Exactly, sunshine and Spring showers are great for flowers," Jennifer stated, blinking. "You really haven't planted anything, have you?"

"When have you ever seen me plant anything?" James laughed. "So no, I haven't ever planted flowers." He then acknowledged her comment.

"Basil? Lavender? Rosemary?" Jennifer tried, her tone hinted with surprise and disappointment.

James shook his head. "Nope."

"Nothing?" Jennifer gasped dramatically, unable to hide an amused grin.

"Okay, one time I helped my mom plant flowers but I cut the roots off and planted the stem thinking new ones would grow back." He admitted.

Jennifer burst into laughter, taking his hand and starting to walk out of their bedroom. "Come on, let's show you how to plant a flower because I'm definitely not doing that alone in this heat. California sun is no joke."

"Exactly." James sighed.

"You don't burn easily, look," She held up their intertwined hands. "You're already tan, you'll be fine!" His arm was a bit darker than her fair skin.

"Right, right." James agreed as they walked down from the deck. Ethan was running around the fenced area with Jax, while Hannah had her pink gardening shovel to dig out holes for the flowers.


"Daddy!" Hannah beamed, wiping off her ungloved hands on her jean shorts. "Help me make holes for mommy!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming." James looked over at Jennifer, who smiled and patted his back.

"Have fuuun."

"Mm-hmm, I sure will." James laughed a little


A few hours into the gardening process, James was running the back of his hand over his forehead and had beads of sweat forming to dampen his dark hair.

"There! Mama, we're all done with our side!" Hannah called over to her mother, who was smelling a reddish-orange Dahlia flower.

"Good job! I'll be over to check your dad's work in a second." She called back playfully.

"Hey!" James laughed. "I think I did pretty good, look at this neat row. What are these... Chrysanthemums?"

Jennifer hummed in surprise. "Very good, junior botanist."

"Why, thank you. I tried hard, and now I'm going to shower and start on dinner." James kissed her temple. "Have fun, and hey," He turned to Hannah. "Twenty minutes, come wash up."

"Got it!" Hannah replied, patting the soil down.


James stood up, walking over to the deck stairs when something caught his eye. He looked over to the next house, and the big Doberman was staring him down from the dark gray wooden stairs that faced their house.

"I see you're not the only one gardening here, then." A neutral voice spoke.

James sighed. "Chad," He greeted. "What now?"

"Nothing..." Chad took his green-and-white gardening gloves off, walking closer to the fence that separated the two houses. "Just... admiring your flowers."

"My flowers? You? That's... new." James smirked slightly, crossing his arms.

Chad clears his throat. "Well, I... they're very nice." He said shortly, giving a small nod of acceptance.

"... Thanks," James said after a moment of silence. "Yours aren't too bad, either."

"Thank you," Chad replied curtly.

"Look, why don't we make a deal." James came forward to the white fence. "Don't get onto my kids, and I won't let my dog into your yard." He paused, then added, "And I'll think about getting a fence in the front."

Chad weighed his options for a moment, then scoffed slightly. "That doesn't sound horrible."


"Deal?" James stuck out his hand.

Chad looked at it for a second, then shook his hand. "Deal."


May 28, 2022 22:26

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