New Year, No Me

December 31st, 2019, 6:30 pm. Everyone is buzzing with excitement at the last day of the decade. As I walk down the street I see people going from shop to shop, scrambling to get their last-minute party supplies for their New Years Eve Party tonight. 

I don’t get what the big deal is. Nothing is going to change for them. Well, except for starting the year with a hangover. The only thing I want to do on a Tuesday night is eat dinner and sleep through midnight. Which is exactly what I plan to do as I slink into my apartment for the day and shed my coat.

“What should I eat tonight? I don’t really have the money for takeout…” Entering the kitchen, I sigh and reach for a box of Mac & Cheese from the pantry. “It’s just a little longer to payday. Maybe then I’ll go out for a steak.” I chuckle to myself-- as if I’d have the money for that after paying rent and my phone bill. I really should get myself a new job, but I can’t afford to be in between jobs. Maybe I should just work two and hope that gives me a bit extra for myself.

8:50 pm the phone rings. 

“Hello?”

“Hey sweetie, happy New Years Eve! How’s everything going for you in the big apple?”

My eyes tear up at the sound of her voice. “Hey Mom! Things are doing alright over here. I’m making ends meet and soon my name will be in lights for all to see in Times Square!” Liar.

“That’s fantastic! I knew you could make it out there Davey. You were born for stardom. I’ve known ever since you first stepped foot on the stage in middle school. Oh, you were so tiny back then, but so full of energy! The stage just about lit up every time you were on it! Have you gotten cast in anything yet?”

“Not yet...but I do have a HUGE audition coming up soon for a musical opening in 2021. I can’t talk about it yet, I don’t want to risk jinxing it. Have you eaten yet?”

“Yes, your father and I had a wonderful dinner to celebrate for New Years. Wine, lasagna, garlic bread, and a beautiful triple chocolate cake for dessert. He made it himself while I was off at work. Can you believe what a sweetheart he is! What about you? ” 

I look down at the macaroni I’m boiling on the stove. “Yeah, I ate a little while ago. I’m glad you guys are doing alright. I’m going to go run lines for a bit before bed Mom, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay sweetie, I love you. Goodnight.”

“Night. Love you too.” I hang up and put my phone on the kitchen table. I feel bad about lying, but she’s got so much hope in me...I don’t want to let her down. I grab the pot off the stove and put a spoon in, I can’t afford to wash more than needed so I’ve been eating straight out of the pot for a while now. Truth is I haven’t had a single audition or acting job since I moved here. With my apartment costing me half my paycheck, I haven’t really had the spare change or time to even try to get into acting. I work overtime most nights and pick up extra shifts where I get the can. If I don’t I’d be living in a bar across town, drunk off my ass at night and hungover and on the street in the morning. 

9:15 pm 

I finish the last few bites of macaroni and wash the pot to dry. Maybe there will be something good on TV to end my pity party.

“Happy New Years!” Nope. “Feliz Año Nuevo!” Next. “ New Years ball drop countdown!” Jesus Christ. What could be so special about a new year to begin with! You’re still going to be working the same rundown job in the same rundown place day after day with the same people and the same faces on the subway. It is just like every other day and yet it’s so glorified! So what if it’s going to be 2020 or 3010! It’s still a number! Hell, you want to party like its the last day ever, wait till extinction starts to set in thanks to global warming. Then go ham wild if we make it a new year.

I turn the TV off. Why do I even bother anymore? Of course New Years is going to loom around every corner today. What else did I expect? I need a drink. I grab my keys and phone and walk out the door to the nearest liquor shop.

10:30 pm

“New year, new me.” What a load of bull. The only thing new for any of them is how fast they give up this years resolution compared to the last. I don’t get why they have to plaster that slogan everywhere you go. I just want some damn booze.

I swing the door open and head straight to the tequila-- if it’s anything frat girls taught me is that tequila will make sure you don’t remember who or what you did come morning. Drink it hard and fast, don’t worry about class. Now that was a slogan I could get behind. Let’s see if it still holds true. I shell out my last $20 and force myself back to my apartment. My stupid, dirty, overpriced, overcrowded apartment. 

11:00 pm

I slam the door shut. At this point, parties in the complex are at full swing and the music can be heard from all around. Of course, everyone will let it slide because it’s New Years. You’re the Ebenezer Scrooge of New Years if you file a noise complaint. So instead I grab a bat and bang on the ceiling. “SHUT UP ALREADY!” Thud, thud, thud. The music blared louder. I groan in dismay and plunk myself down on the kitchen chair for the second time this evening, cracking open my tequila in the process. 

11:58 pm

There’s a fuzzy feeling in me. I move to take another swig of the bottle, but it’s empty. Empty just like me. I guess I ended up joining the New Years trend in my own way...drunk and awaiting a hangover in the morning. The only difference is those people had fun while they tried to forget their problems, I, on the other hand, am still wallowing in self-pity. I disappointed everyone. Sure, they don’t know it yet, but when they do find out I think they’ll hate me. For lying, for hiding, for running off in the first place, for failing...I mean I’d hate me-- oh wait, I do. 

“TEN!”

Great here comes the counting. 

“NINE!”

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

“Eight!”

I’m a failure. 

“SEVEN!”

Can I even take another year of this?

“SIX!”

I can’t do this.

“FIVE!”

I don’t want this anymore.

“FOUR!”

I want to go home.

“THREE!”

I miss Mom.

“TWO!”

I’m sorry.

“ONE!”

BANG.

“HAPPY NEW YEARS!”