Ghost of You

There was no reason by which I should stand here. 

But my heart couldn’t refuse her.

I know I couldn’t. 

I stood there, frozen as if the air in my lungs were naught as if the oxygen had become wrought with toxic waste. Yet there was no means of toxic waste, there was only air and my resistance to the breath that should keep my lungs pumping and which in turn makes my heart race. 

And still, my heart races hard against my sturdy chest.

I leaned slightly as the large church doors opened. I could feel the strength leaving me as the smell of lavender echoes thoroughly enraptures the austere surroundings of this ancient metropolitan built on the back of people she perhaps would never know. In some other day, that would intrigue the historian in her - but today, it did not matter.

The love of her life stood there, shined upon by the sun of god, dressed in the most beautiful cloth of the finest silver cloth and the most extravagant pieces of silk. A crown of white roses adorned her long lustrous copper-like locks, tied with the most intricate of silver ribbon silks. Trinkets made of fine silver gathered from all across the empire, lined with precious gemstones found deep in faraway mountains and pearls that could only be found in far away deep shores beyond the known world.

Just as she had wanted, she had all the riches of the world on her, around her. It had been her fantasy even when they had been young ladies left to wander the prowling fields of endless golden wheat and those endless blue skies trailing along for the journey. 

She looked the happiest on this day, on her wedding day.

But her - the one she had left was torn. 

Her heart was grieving such loss, of words not answered. Of feelings not reciprocated. Of a life that could never be.

And yet, she basked in what is in front of her - on what still is. 

She still had her in her life and perhaps, even with this opened void that could never be whole again....mayhaps this is all that could be.

Her eyes dilated, blinking breathlessly at the sight of her, at the details of her beautiful features were made her feel everything flood back to her. 

Especially that smile. 

The smile that she thought would only be hers.

But in the first place, she knew it never did belong to her.

The moment she walked through, her magnificent veil trailed behind her and from side to side, she smiled at those who had gathered to celebrate her union. Even to her, who had been left behind and forgotten. Left to grieve a love that had perhaps never been love at all to this radiant sun she had loved. And yet when she had smiled back at her, mouthing those words of thanks to her - she knew that she was still in love with her. 

She could never let go of her.

She bit her lip as she with all her might forced the pain to numb her, to still her tears from falling. Bitterly, with that pain gasping her entire being - she released her lips, now red from the pain, and smiled back at her love despite now she had not looked at her.

Everything came rushing back.

When they had met, she was an orphan and she was a lord's daughter. But that didn't matter to her - she loved those who surrounded those who were the strangers and outcasts. Just like her. Because of her, she had come to be a member of that lady's household. The lady begged her father and he could not help but relent. 

She pledged her life and service to the lady, come what may. 

She had been willing to do anything for the lady.

She had lied, she had stolen and she had hurt others for her, blinded by her devotion and her love for her. Loves make one into a fool and love was what bound you - it was powerful. More than anything. Bound to it for all her life, in the name of making the lady smile. Making her happy more than those among the living.

Yet, she pardoned her - even before the dusk left to turn into dawn. Even if the thought had yet formed. Even if the words were yet to be uttered from her beautiful luscious lips. Even before her hands pointed and instructed. 

She relented to forgive her, to give her what she wanted, and soiled her hands - she did everything and more.

And now she must give her leave to go and be with this man too.

She must let the lady go.

It is for the lady's eternal happiness and she must relent as always.

But she did not know what to do now.

Tears poured down her eyes as she watched her lady gaze upon that man she had so wanted and loved eye her in return, with such devotion, such affection that could only make one question - 'when will love swoon to my arms and make me feel such life sprawl through me like thus?'

This is such gaze which she had not received from her lady. No.

And she never will. 

Perhaps not in this life.

Her tears poured painfully warm, but no one seemed to be watching her and she was glad for it. No one would see the shame that came with that pain for which she was glad.

Everything around her was a haze, the entire wedding was. 

She could not hear those words of love passed through in waves of echoes, ripples of the vast seas. There was only the whisper of ghosts, of ghosts that came in the form of silent rumblings. They did not make sense to her. Not the warm touches of the hands, nor the warm touches exchanged as the cleric of the gods asked them to speak such vows that could never be broken by those who spoke them. But perhaps that may be better.

In the end, it was sealed by the blessing of such an embrace that her heart panged painfully and thus the sound returned to her with the loud cheers echoing through the conventual chambers and the sun-blessed them with such light that glistened through the bright and colorful panoramic. She wiped her tears and watched the newlyweds grin with blessed happiness that only a few had in such a world for a woman like her.

She was content with this end.

She stood up and slipped away, the loud cheers of the crowd roaring louder than that of an army's wild screams. She flinched, wrapping her arms around her chest feeling the cold that had been and that still is felt as she remembered. For a moment, it was as if she was still there in that night as she constantly wept bitter tears at the shuddering pain. She had been strong enough to push him away. But she wrapped her arms tighter into her body, protectively. 

But she did it for her. 

She did it to keep her lady safe.

And now she is safe.

Happy, even.

Her pained tears continued as she walked through the lonesome streets, where the mist dragged on through the air. She did not stop her feet, she only continued and walked. There was no pain in her legs, though marked with endless cuts, it did not hurt. Nothing hurt.

Nothing but her heart.

Soon enough, she could feel her feet touch the cold lake, adulterated with the snow. Yet there was no cold, she did not feel it. She finally looked up and saw the long dark robe flowing through the water, untainted with the freezing sodden ground.

She met the face.

"You are here."

She nodded.

She could not speak.

After what had happened, she could no longer do so.

"Then, you are prepared?"

She nodded once more, eyes watering with such pained tears.

"Follow me."

She did.

The water did not stain her.

It bent to their will.

For a moment, she thought to look back. 

"If you look back," They spoke to her, without turning their back. "Then you are not allowed to leave. You cannot leave."

She resisted the temptation.

It was time.

It was time to leave.

They did not say a word again and continued to walk.

She looked down, her eyes gazing at the snow-filled lake.

She followed them.

And then there was nothing.

There was no more specter.

No more ghost of you.