21 comments

May 06, 2021

Drama Fiction

         I opened my eyes to complete darkness. Was I dead? Was I in hell? In complete disorientation I didn’t know what had become of me. All I know is that I had a feeling life wasn’t going well so I must be in a situation that was on the unpleasant side of life.

         “Mother?” I whispered.

         The first thought to pop into my head as I lay here. Or could I be standing? No. I feel the surface on my back, not the bottom of my feet.

         “Are you there mother?”

         There is no response as I lay here. Where could she be, and I so wish to have her by my side. Anything to comfort me as reality starts to set in my mind. The fogginess starts to dissipate and realize what I had been doing, and ponder if I was indeed in hell.

         “Nothing on earth can be worse than spending eternity in hell,” my mother would tell me.

         I wonder if that is indeed true. I guess at least here I can die and pray to God I go to heaven. Or like many believe nowadays you go nowhere. It just ends. Reincarnation is not even a possibility for me. Why repeat this hellish life over and over again? I don’t care if you don’t remember your past life. If you do, I’m sorry that you do.

         Suddenly, I can see stars, and a light breeze caresses my face.

         “I’m outside,” I thought.

         I sit up and see I’m in the middle of a field. It came to mind I was so exhausted I just lay down in the middle of the field and crashed. Immediately went under, part of me hoping I would never open my eyes again. 

         Why was I running?

         Memories flooded my mind of the beginning days when ones like me who crave their freedom was losing them one by one. Just like everything in life it’s subtle, but little by little it’s put upon all of us. It’s like raising the price by a penny, then a nickel, then a dime, until next moment you are paying a buck more in a year’s time. This time it’s our freedom to just live our lives that were taken away since according to the higher authority we don’t know how to live. All we do is cause more ill to everything. Evil humanity must be stopped. 

         I was at first ignorant and just followed along with the changes, still just wanting to be left alone and live my life the way I want it to. But, when I started seeing what I enjoy taken away since it was harmful to others and the environment I started to pay more attention. I didn’t mind some of my habits changing, but it started to become ridiculous as I saw the miserable trying to make everyone else miserable. The leaders we had in the past that set forth to help everyone rise up was gone. Now, it’s the leaders that want to push everyone down to the point where they can easily rule over you. I had no interest in such a thing and started to voice my opinion. My opinion was eventually noticed, resulting in my innocent life changing to one of criminal living. I was becoming a cancer to the new utopia. I soon started to live days behind bars, but the new leaders were not in full control yet so many times I was released, but knew those days would soon come to an end.

         “You are going to have to go into hiding if you continue to live this life,” my mother told me.

         “What kind of life is that?” I told her. “It’s all being taken away.”

         “Maybe it will be better.”

         “You know better than that, mother. This has been tried many upon many times before, and never worked. I don’t care that they spout out they will do it correctly this time around. It just means more control and greed for them, and us living off the crumbs. Not the way I want to live.”

         “You are living a dangerous path,” she told me with concern.

         “My path is to correct this travesty,” I said. “And I’m not the only one.”

         Eventually, the time came when I had to flee. Thankfully, I heard of a sweet lady by the name of Saundra that was taking in people trying to find a better life. She worked at a library that contained secret rooms to stay until you find a better place. I soon got in touch with her, and late at night I was able to sneak into the library and to the rooms down below. It’s where I stayed for a week before Saundra came to me one day and told me the good news.

         “There is a land down south where the people will not stand for what is going on with this country. You need to travel to this land and unite with these people,” she told me. “Luckily, most of the journey can be made with little humanity around that will stop you. Only a few places you will need to be very careful what path you take. I pray you take the right path. I know you will because you are already taking the path as I speak to you.”

         She gave me some goods to take with me and a few hugs of comfort as she wished my luck., It was late at night that I ran once again as I headed south to a land with people just like me. Ones that just wanted to live a normal life. How long will that last? Who knows, and it’s much better than caving in and living as a slave.

         As I sat there it started to brighten as the sun rose over the horizon. The negative thoughts that first came to mind as I awoke quickly disappeared. I stood up and stretched as I prepared to move again. I was halfway there, and the other half is much better than the first part. Less people in this area so hopes were brightening. My life is soon to brighten.

         The darkness dissipated and soon I was in the light. An expression that happens so little came to my face. A smile.

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21 comments

Corey Melin
17:26 May 11, 2021

Thank you for the comments!

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Kendall Defoe
23:59 May 19, 2021

I know I like a story when I want more... Well done, sir!

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Corey Melin
00:12 May 20, 2021

Thank you for your comments!

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Brittany Gillen
21:19 May 13, 2021

Corey - Thank you for sharing your story. You definitely hit the prompt of changing from darkness to light. Your dialogue for the mother worked really well. I got a sense of her from only just a few lines - a straight shooter, who deals with a lot of worry. My feedback would be that I had a harder time identifying with your speaker. Since the person is alone, we don't get any sense of it they are male, female; a minority or not. As a result, the reader is not sure how to feel about her struggles, especially since they are so vague. Freedom...

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Corey Melin
21:28 May 13, 2021

Thank you for the comments! I decided not to let the reader know any details on the speaker because in a situation like this it doesn't matter their background. No matter their gender or nationality it's a shame when anyone loses their freedoms. Writing this in one day at work I kept it short and vague. Sometimes that is intentional to let the reader figure out what it could possibly be.

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Lucy Hutchinson
17:28 May 12, 2021

I would be into reading more of this. I still want to know what happens. I too was drawn in early with the sense of disorientation. The paragraph that starts with... "I was at first ignorant and just followed along with the changes, still just wanting to be left alone and live my life the way I want it to." seems a bit wordy... also the double use of dissipate grabbed my attention. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

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Corey Melin
17:46 May 12, 2021

Thank you for the comments! I actually wrote this story at work due to it shutting down so a lot of slow time. I wasn't sure how it would turn out.

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Corey Melin
17:46 May 12, 2021

Thank you for the comments! I actually wrote this story at work due to it shutting down so a lot of slow time. I wasn't sure how it would turn out.

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Corey Melin
17:47 May 12, 2021

Thank you for the comments! I actually wrote this story at work due to it shutting down so a lot of slow time. I wasn't sure how it would turn out.

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Kristin Neubauer
10:47 May 12, 2021

I love how you created such a strong feeling of disorientation in the opening. It really drew me in and had me wondering about what was happening. The rest of the story resonated so strongly, especially as we see what’s happening in different parts of the world these days. Another great piece of writing, Corey!

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Great story! Good job! The feeling you get when you realise your freedoms are getting taken away from you, you expressed it great! The prize you have to pay for freedom, years behind bars. Well done!

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Corey Melin
04:39 May 12, 2021

Thank you for the comments!

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Paige Winters
23:33 May 11, 2021

This was an awesome story. I love the concept. Just one little tip. In the third to last paragraph, end of the first sentence, you left a comma and a period. It's an easy mistake but the rest of your story is absolutely brilliant.

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Corey Melin
00:07 May 12, 2021

Greatly appreciate the comments. The funny thing is I write or type my story then copy and paste to pro writer where many times it corrects or recommends commas. Definitely missed it when I reread

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22:10 May 11, 2021

Thank you for posting this, I enjoyed the read. I like the smile at the end, it's simple but powerful. If you want a suggestion it would be just to check your tenses, I got a bit confused in a few places about which tense you were in. But it was a good story.

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Corey Melin
22:28 May 11, 2021

Thank you for the comments! I keep it simple since I have read plenty of stories that are overdone throughout my years. Many times I use past tense, which I should have put it in italics to make it easier for the reader.

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Cassandra Levone
19:27 May 11, 2021

Wow!! This is the perfect story! It isn't too long; It's short and yet it has so much detail!!! I love it!! XD

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Corey Melin
19:33 May 11, 2021

Thank you for the comments. I tend to keep my stories short and simple.

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Dhevalence .
18:08 May 11, 2021

Thank you for reading and liking my story. Your story... Wow! You've got some killer sentences in there. The one about the penny, nickel... And the other about cancer and utopia. Love it. Well done

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Corey Melin
19:07 May 11, 2021

Thank you for the comments! It's unfortunate how much is reality

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Hugo Millaire
17:19 May 11, 2021

Whoa that was awesome really good plot and it was well written good job!

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