Make Sure to Pick a Good Title

Submitted for Contest #92 in response to: Write about a character who thinks they have a sun allergy.... view prompt

May 05, 2021

Romance Fiction

The forest was pretty. 

So...blah.

The forest was intriguingly beautiful. 

Nah…

The deep dark forest was very beautiful.

Eh… a little better I suppose.

The spooky forest was very pleasing to my eyes.

Do spooky and pleasing really go together? Who knew.

The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight.

Ooh, now you have my interest. I give you permission to move on.

I walked with my head low.

Woah, woah, woah, take a break. I mean, ‘I walked with my head low’? Surely you can do better than that.

I strode with a frown on my face, despite the pretty scene.

Again, ‘pretty’...so vague. 

I strode with a frown on my face, despite the charming scene.

Good, good, now we’re getting somewhere.

‘Why isn’t my magic working?’ I thought.

Ooh, building character are we? Very nice.

I sighed and kicked a rock off the path.

Try to enhance this a bit more, c’mon, I know you can.

I sighed heavily and kicked a small rock off the beaten dirt path that I was walking on.

Hold it, hold it, that’s a bit too much enhancing there, we don’t need all of those adjectives.

I sighed heavily and kicked a rock off the path.

There we go.

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I do wrong?’ I thought to myself.

That’s basically the same question in different forms so…

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this?’ I thought to myself. 

Much better.

My eyes looked around me. The squirrels were flying through the trees.

Hmm... how exactly do squirrels fly? And try to intensify ‘looked’.

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were hopping from tree to tree.

Okay, good job with the first part, but now the second.

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were gamboling in the trees.

Nice.

The birds were chirping.

My dude, that is SO cliche. Come on now.

The birds sang a lovely melody. 

Acceptable I suppose…

The gregarious birds crooned an exquisite melody.

Ooh, very eye-catching!

The tip of my hat was just enough to shield my face from the sun.

Dude come on.

The brim of my black fedora was just enough to shield my face from the anguishing sun’s rays. 

Nice, nice. 

“Jarred!” A voice called out.

Hm...there has to be something you can augment here, there has to be.

“Jarred!” a familiar voice called out.

Very well.

I turned toward the voice. 

Sure why not.

I glanced at Kaytlen, my old friend from high school.

How about replacing old with former? And friend with acquaintance?

I glanced at Kaytlen, my former acquaintance from high school.

Ah, so much better.

“Uh, Kaytlen, what are you doing here? Isn’t this forest supposed to be secret, for a magician's eyes only?”

Ooh, I can sense a relational disagreement here, splendid!

“Well, Jarred, girls can have secrets too you know.”

Burnt like toast.

“I suppose so...but why are you here?”

Oof, how harsh.

“I’m here to see him, as I’m sure you are?”

Ooh intriguing.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I let the silence grow.

Nope nope nope, too vague.

“Yeah,” I muttered under my breath. I let the silence between us grow like a dark chasm.

OOH nice one.

Kaytlen shifted uneasily. “Uh, Jarred? Can I ask you something?”

Ooooooh the love card has been pulled.

I braced myself for what I knew was coming. I put on a straight face and looked into her blue-green eyes. 

Straight face? Really? What could be more cliche? 

I fortified myself for what I knew was coming. I put on an impassive face and looked into her blue-green eyes.

That’s what I’m talking about!

“Yes, what is it?”

Good, good.

Her eyes wandered about aimlessly.

Nope, not good enough.

Her eyes wandered about futilely. 

Ooh-la-la!

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about the fates, Jarred. You know, they have a way of messing things up.”

Hm...switch that last sentence up a bit...

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about The Fates, Jarred. They have a way of messing things up, you know?”

Bravo! IT’s coming along quite well!

I loosened up a little. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. They seem to get their way, no matter how much destruction we go through to get them there.”

Wow, these ‘fates’ seem like something you don’t want to mess with for sure!

Her gaze softened like butter in the microwave.

Some metaphor lol.

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled nice and warmly, which put the sun’s warmth into questioning.

Fix this up a bit…

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled warmly, which put the sun’s warmth to shame.

Better, better.

Despite the levels of warmth, I felt a cold feeling down my neck.

Try something else...I want to feel the cold down my neck, L.W.

Regardless of the warmth, I felt a cold sensation crawl down my neck.

Ah, yes, thank you.

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and kiss her forever.

As nice as this is, I know you can do better.

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and gently lay my lips on hers, enveloping her in a kiss that lasts a lifetime.

Bravo! Bravo! I think you’re ready to submit it now! Make sure to pick a good title!

The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight. I strode with a frown on my face, despite the charming scene. 

‘Why isn’t my magic working?’ I thought.

I sighed heavily and kicked a rock off the path. 

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this?’ I thought to myself. 

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were gamboling in the trees. The gregarious birds crooned an exquisite melody. The brim of my black fedora was just enough to shield my face from the anguishing sun’s rays. 

“Jarred!” a familiar voice called out.

I turned toward the voice. I glanced at Kaytlen, my former acquaintance from high school.

“Uh, Kaytlen, what are you doing here? Isn’t this forest supposed to be secret, for a magician's eyes only?”

“Well, Jarred, girls can have secrets too you know.”

“I suppose so...but why are you here?”

“I’m here to see him, as I’m sure you are?”

“Yeah,” I muttered under my breath. I let the silence between us grow like a dark chasm.

Kaytlen shifted uneasily. “Uh, Jarred? Can I ask you something?”

I fortified myself for what I knew was coming. I put on an impassive face and looked into her blue-green eyes.

“Yes, what is it?”

Her eyes wandered about futilely. 

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about The Fates, Jarred. They have a way of messing things up, you know?”

I loosened up a little. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. They seem to get their way, no matter how much destruction we go through to get them there.”

Her gaze softened like butter in the microwave.

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled warmly, which put the sun’s warmth to shame.

Regardless of the warmth, I felt a cold sensation crawl down my neck. 

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and gently lay my lips on hers, enveloping her in a kiss that lasts a lifetime.

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729 comments

Phoenix Hawkins
19:38 May 05, 2021

I agree with Sia: this is a lot different than what you normally do, but I love it! The editor-voice-in-your-head thing simultaneously seems like the best and worst friend you could possibly have. It's actually pretty relatable! My favorite editor lines were "My dude, that is SO cliche. Come on now" and "Ooooooh the love card has been pulled" -- which is always an excellent moment in a story. Like I said, the best/worst friend in the world. You did craft an interesting little tale there, though! With the help of your editor mind friend, it t...

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Wolf Warrior
19:39 May 05, 2021

hehehe that was my goal to make it relatable lol. hehe me too :) yep, I try XD

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Phoenix Hawkins
19:50 May 05, 2021

You definitely succeeded, that's for sure! How's your day been so far?

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Wolf Warrior
20:22 May 05, 2021

hehehe it's pretty good...until I got down-voted for like the 20th time lol

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Phoenix Hawkins
20:31 May 05, 2021

Ah, don't worry about the downvoters. They can take away points, but they can't take away skills! As a certain YouTuber might say, "we don't need points where we're going!" 😂

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Wolf Warrior
20:57 May 05, 2021

ah yes very true. idrc about points anyway lol

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Absolutely love this. Shows the process of writing, then giving us the story. So amazing, you have a real talent for this and it gives the reader a special connection to the author. No, that's not right... It breaks a barrier between the reader as their eyes gaze at the words, imagining the author's steady hand, adjusting the words that give us such great imagery. That's better. Lol ur better at it XD so amazingggg!

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Wolf Warrior
17:02 May 05, 2021

hehehehe thanks :)))) hint: just google synonyms for everything XDDD and google lots of big words lol

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Wolf Warrior
17:03 May 05, 2021

lolololol yesh

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06:23 May 05, 2021

👌 A little different from your usual, right?

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Wolf Warrior
14:56 May 05, 2021

yeah, you could say that XD

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14:59 May 05, 2021

:)

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Wolf Warrior
15:50 May 05, 2021

I'm sorry about how you are feeling. I'll continue to pray for you.

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17:19 May 05, 2021

Thanks.

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Wolf Warrior
17:20 May 05, 2021

<333

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Samantha Langley
12:56 May 05, 2021

Ooooooooh nice! I really like this... you should do more like it.

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Wolf Warrior
15:00 May 05, 2021

thanks!

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yay! This was so great, and very funny, too!

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Wolf Warrior
15:00 May 05, 2021

thanks!

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Wolf Warrior
15:20 May 05, 2021

:)

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13:22 May 05, 2021

Where is youuuuurrrrrrr NEXT storyyyyyyyyyy

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Radhika Diksha
17:13 May 06, 2021

I loved your new side of writing. I could see some of the pain reflecting here, your feelings expressing themselves. You have really evolved as a very brilliant writer. I loved it. Good work, keep writing.

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Wolf Warrior
19:12 May 06, 2021

thanks so much <333

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14:23 May 06, 2021

Part Two released!

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Wolf Warrior
16:01 May 06, 2021

nice, i'll check it out soon :)

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16:35 May 06, 2021

:)

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Wolf Warrior
19:14 May 06, 2021

;)

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Radhika Diksha
07:44 May 06, 2021

New story out. Would love your feedback.

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Wolf Warrior
15:12 May 06, 2021

hey your back! how are you?

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Radhika Diksha
16:10 May 06, 2021

I am great right now. Busy all the time. I saw your bio. I hope everything turns out well soon. Free feel to talk to me anytime you want, I will happy if I come to any help of yours.

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Wolf Warrior
19:13 May 06, 2021

well, those words are a help, thanks :)

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10:49 May 05, 2021

Okay- I loved this. The whole 'hmm, you might want to change that', is like a little guardian writer that's sitting on your shoulder, helping you out- I love it. Great work, Tiffany! :D

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Wolf Warrior
15:00 May 05, 2021

yeah exactly :) thanks so much!

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21:45 May 05, 2021

:D

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Wolf Warrior
21:47 May 05, 2021

how you doing?

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03:58 May 06, 2021

I just did cross country- brutal but I'm alive, hru?

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Wolf Warrior
15:03 May 06, 2021

that's good lol I'm doing alright i suppose

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06:44 May 05, 2021

This was AMAZING!! You adequately captured a writer's thinking and the insinuations and implications behind the lines. I can so relate. You captured how a writer doesn't want to say that "The forest was pretty. " but instead "The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight. " You also captured how a writer purposely places dialogue and sentences for character development. I love how you showed how a writer thinks when writing a story. The vocabulary was just (chefs kiss) perfecto! I also have to state how much I love the way ...

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Wolf Warrior
14:59 May 05, 2021

hehhe thanks so much! don't be sorry, I love talking with people! how are you?

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15:08 May 05, 2021

Sad and sick which is why I'm at home now:) I much rather prefer this than being at school. Please don't say your sorry that I'm sick because I am happy that I get to stay home XD How are things going for you? ANYthing INteresTing?

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Wolf Warrior
15:24 May 05, 2021

oof yeah, been there done that oof. nice for you in a way lol. eh...lots is happening rn so yeah.

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15:28 May 05, 2021

I know I'm stepping out of my line but I have to ask: Did you see Sia's comment a few minutes ago, when she asked if she could rant to you? I know she deleted it but I am worried about her:(

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Wolf Warrior
15:42 May 05, 2021

yeah, I barely saw it and then she deleted it so oof.

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13:21 May 05, 2021

Highly fascinated by reading your superb comment it is the longest one

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13:22 May 05, 2021

Thank you for your fascination XD😁

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13:23 May 05, 2021

Honored

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Wolf Warrior
21:23 May 05, 2021

lol, I guess I'll blend in XDDDD

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22:18 May 05, 2021

So you're a giant too?

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Wolf Warrior
22:19 May 05, 2021

in a way XD, depends on your definition of giant lol

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22:21 May 05, 2021

Anyone who's taller than meee XD

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Wolf Warrior
22:23 May 05, 2021

lololol prolly

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19:17 May 07, 2021

Idk where the other thread went so :) hiii

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Wolf Warrior
23:56 May 07, 2021

it's fine lol. hiii how you doing?

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00:05 May 08, 2021

eh, oKaY I think I'm not sure... flip flopping .-. hbu?

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Wolf Warrior
00:05 May 08, 2021

it happens. I like to call it lemonade lol. doing pretty good :)

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00:07 May 08, 2021

yes 🍋 sweet + sour :)

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Wolf Warrior
00:10 May 08, 2021

exactly :D i'm working on a 300 piece puzzle and it's coming together. Doing anything interesting?

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Wolf Warrior
22:59 May 11, 2021

yeet

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16:48 May 12, 2021

yEeT~

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Wolf Warrior
16:50 May 12, 2021

yesh

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17:05 May 12, 2021

yerp

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Wolf Warrior
19:04 May 12, 2021

so... what's one thing you hope to do one day?

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Wolf Warrior
14:59 May 14, 2021

Well, I'm not to sure XDDDD i mean, I got a lot lol

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17:02 May 14, 2021

yeah XD oooh the new prompts came out :O

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Wolf Warrior
19:01 May 14, 2021

yeah I saw. not bad i suppose :)

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22:37 May 14, 2021

yeah, they're okay, but they're more vague than the old ones so more ideas are pOsSiBLe

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Wolf Warrior
22:39 May 14, 2021

yeah kinda.

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22:45 May 06, 2021

I liked this story a lot! It was really fun to read the interaction with your “inner editor.” I think you showed exactly what pretty much all writers go through with that part! And the finished story was amazing—you’re so good with descriptions! :D 🐈‍⬛

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Wolf Warrior
23:17 May 06, 2021

hehehe thanks :) yes, our 'inner editor' can sometimes be our friend and sometimes be obnoxious XD

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23:29 May 06, 2021

Np! Yeah, definitely XD

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Wolf Warrior
23:43 May 06, 2021

how have you been?

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00:04 May 07, 2021

I’ve been doing okay, a little busy over the last few days but overall good :) You?

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Wolf Warrior
00:13 May 07, 2021

pretty good, trying not to dwell on the future too much ;)

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Wolf Warrior
19:14 May 06, 2021

sorry, sorry, the maths, they kept me busy

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Wolf Warrior
20:05 May 06, 2021

kjhgftyuikjhgftyukjhg

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*New thread* Dogs are very loyal. How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?

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Wolf Warrior
02:50 May 06, 2021

herm...it would take a lot XD maybe like 1,000 or more lol

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They'll just peak the elephant XD

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If i eat myself will I get twice as big or disappear completely?

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Wolf Warrior
16:04 May 06, 2021

yeah exactly XD. well, it's not possible so nothing XD

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Wolf Warrior
02:49 May 06, 2021

you like it lol

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00:43 May 06, 2021

I love the editors voice in there :') added a little something that I liked :) the title XD very nice choice :) MANGOOD 🥭🥭🥭 job!! everything is very mysterious; I like it ;) ~ Amethyst

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Wolf Warrior
02:49 May 06, 2021

hehe yep, i feel like most writers can relate to it lol. XD ikr lol noice XD heheh thanks B)

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00:25 May 07, 2021

ehehe yes ;) yEs :> np!

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Wolf Warrior
00:40 May 07, 2021

:DD

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00:44 May 07, 2021

:)

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Wolf Warrior
00:48 May 07, 2021

:))))

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01:41 May 08, 2021

Amethyst, This is not my convo, but I just have to say that I love the pun! Sorry for intruding!!

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20:12 May 08, 2021

Thanks! XD it's fine :)

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20:15 May 08, 2021

I am preparing to comment on your story soon so look out!

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20:19 May 08, 2021

thanks! :)

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20:26 May 08, 2021

my pleasure'')

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Kaylee Lin
20:53 May 11, 2021

This is very funny, and 100% relatable :) I also read your bio so..... 🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌...

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Wolf Warrior
22:26 May 11, 2021

yayyyy thanks for spamming XD and reading :) How are you?

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Kaylee Lin
00:38 May 12, 2021

Lol no problome. Promble. PROBLEM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY KEYBOARD? hahaha anyways, I'm good, you?

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Kaylee Lin
00:40 May 12, 2021

If you check out my profile I only have one story written....I'm new to Reedsy, but I think I know how it works

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Kaylee Lin
00:41 May 12, 2021

I'm geed! Oops, good. No problem :) You?

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Wolf Warrior
01:34 May 12, 2021

I'm doing good. Btw, you can go back and edit your comments if you need to :)

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Kaylee Lin
11:31 May 12, 2021

Cool!

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Wolf Warrior
13:16 May 12, 2021

so, do anything interesting?

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05:53 May 05, 2021

" here, splendid" not only splendid but it is magnificent, sumptuous,superb spectacular and luxurious rhyming vocabulary, I wonder ........

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Wolf Warrior
14:56 May 05, 2021

hehe

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05:44 May 05, 2021

Really , " The forest was intriguingly beautiful". Well said

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Wolf Warrior
14:56 May 05, 2021

thanks :)

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00:45 Jul 28, 2021

I loved this story! I could hear that little editor's voice changing up the lines. Great job, Wolf! :) -b r o n a n a

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Wolf Warrior
00:48 Jul 28, 2021

thanks for checking it out :D

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00:49 Jul 28, 2021

no problem!

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Wolf Warrior
00:50 Jul 28, 2021

:)))))

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