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Apr 30, 2021

Sad Romance

How?

 Every day for years I have been categorizing things in their right places. Even categorizing my friends' personalities, behavior, and such. 

But, how? 

How can I place Him in a category?

 With his icy blue hoodie and his periwinkle eyes, I cannot fathom how he decides to look my way. 

Should I say I'm lucky, or will I turn away from him in the slightest moment? 

Would I give him the cold shoulder, even when I am so hot in the face?

My cheeks are on fire, or it seems to be raging only for him.

Is he controlling me, or are my thoughts too dim?

  He brushes his fingers across my face and into my hair, tucking an innocent loose piece behind my ear.

 We go on a few days meeting and having the best time of our lives, he even gave me vanilla-scented perfume on valentines day.

3...

4...

5...

6...years we've been together and below this indigo painted sky, he proposes.

7...

8...

9...

10... more years of being passionately in love with the light of my whole world. He is all I have ever wanted in this world, even if people say we will eventually grow apart.

 Every year we grow closer to each other like a vine so strong you could never cut. Every time I lay in bed I think of a day where we might live all of our foolish fantasies and dreams, getting closer and closer back to earth to realize we don't need them.

we have each other...

for now...

 sometimes I can hear a voice, the quietest voice that no one around me can hear. It tells me, It tells me to respect everything I have ever done, to respect my lover, and to respect what happens in life.

But why?

Why did you do this to me?

 In these 13 years of being in love, I realize that the cherry blossom trees only get more scarred and the plants around them, become a thick blanket to cover the beauty.

I hear the sirens in the distance and I get a call. 

" Miss, your husband has been in an accident on the freeway..."

 My eyes widen to the size of car headlights as tears stream down my cheeks, I throw my phone at the wall hearing a crackle as it hits the floor.

No...

No-No-No-No-No...

I voice in my head as I slam my car door shut after I enter.

 I can barely see the road through all my tears, my eyes are flooded with emotions that I couldn't express through the time of love and rose-colored glasses that blinded me from reality.

Please, I need to understand...

 I arrive at the hospital to see an ambulance carrying a patient in from the back doors of the vehicle. I walk up to them asking what happened. 

I know what happened, but I need to see him...

 He is hooked up to multiple tubes and looks so frail and broken on the hospital bed. I sit next to him as he flutters his eyes open.

"Hello dear..." 

He speaks in almost a whisper as I take his hand in mine.

I chuckle, a fake laugh that sounds dry and cracked like a desert. 

 "I, I didn't want to see you like this..." I said wiping the dry stains where my tears would be if I had not shed a million of them.

 "It happened so quick, He was going fast and in my direction without warning. You couldn't have stopped it..." He replies, making my heart drop and making me sob once again as he tried to comfort me by rubbing my hand. 

"BUT I WANTED TO!" 

I shout. 

" I WANTED TO STOP IT!"

I look away with a face that looks drained and disgusted. 

"But you couldn't..."

He says cupping my cheek and smiling at me...

I keep repeating the words "But I wanted to..." inside my mind and out as I just stare into his kind and loving eyes as he slowly slips away...

The only thing going through my mind is insanity, I can't think of what to do, what to say...

So much time, but not another day...

His features turn cold to the touch, I can't feel the warmth he had given to me the days I was infatuated and blinded by the state of pure happiness when he first laid eyes on me.

I silently trace the markings on the side of the hospital bed as I am now slumped against the floor, Trying to force tears that fight back and my eyes remain dry, and red, and puffy.

It seems like it was only yesterday that He was smiling at me while the sun gleamed upon his light and fluffy hair, and his cool winter eyes.

Now the sun glares through the hospital window, hoping to give my love warmth that he could never receive as his body turns pale and broken.

I never imagined life could take him away this early, from me.

I couldn't bear to see him for the last time, in a casket that made him glow as if he was only sleeping. He gets buried under the dirt that once claimed everything that we loved.

I ask questions that in time will still stay the same, I have been the only thing that has changed, the only one that remains. A shard of the rose colored glass that has shattered for his time came to an end.

In the past, I used to correct right from wrong, bad from good, happy from sad.

He changed so much, No, I have changed so much because of him.

I love him...

Even though he is gone...

I feel him...

Even though I am alone...

I have had so many more experiences in my life than I would have if I stayed, organizing things to the places I thought they should be.

I appreciate all he has done, all he has done to make my life worth living.

So after all this time organizing things...

When it comes to him...

Why would I?

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