Human Fools

Submitted for Contest #87 in response to: Write about a mischievous pixie or trickster god.... view prompt

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Apr 02, 2021

Funny Christian Historical Fiction

“No, really, Satan. You are the worst!” Loki said with a contagious grin.

“Me? What? Why? I didn’t do anything!” Lucifer looked up from his phone and wondered why he

was laughing at him.

It was the bi-centennial meeting of Gods in Valhalla, where Lokis Stepfather Odin was welcoming

all 70 Gods, that really existed on Earth. These gatherings have always been a big celebration.

Everything one wished for could be found there. The Nordic Gods were rehearsing their favorite

battles of mankind. The more gore and bloodshed it included, the louder the deafening roars of

entertained warriors. Kali, the Hindu God of death and destruction joined these fights herself from

time to time. “For the sake of better times,” she would say with melancholy in her voice. And they

all agreed to that.

“Why is everyone always missing the old days?” the smallest of Gods asked. “What was in the old

days?” The elders looked at their latest celestial addition with a patient forbearance. He couldn’t yet

understand what his place in this world would look like, and neither did the Gods themselves.

Buddha, the wisest God among Gods answered, his gaze towards some unknown and unseen:

“Once, long ago before you were born into this universe, humans served a purpose that was beyond

their grasp of understanding. Their ambition would have let them onto a path of beauty and

perfection. The planet lived and interacted with them as did they, as did we. However...” he trailed

off, seemingly distraught by burdensome thoughts and the emitting laughter from the table in the

corner. Since the beginning of time, this table has been reserved for the two Gods that did not fit the

picture of a deity. They were almighty misfits, shone upon by the others and not without some

contempt named the wayward sons.

Little God followed Buddhas eyes which laid tired in an old and wrinkled face. He could sense the

pain Buddha felt, a shared emotion deep embedded in his ancient heart. The young God took

Buddhas Hand in his and squeezed it softly. “Go with God,” he said and smiled at his elder.

“Jesus Christ, Lucifer! You condemned the one thing that was holy to all the Gods!” Loki

exclaimed. “What?” asked Lucifer in return, “Their innuendo number? I may recall that this was

your upbringing.” Loki raised an eyebrow and thought about it. “True enough. But I meant Earth. If

you recall that one as well.”

“Oh, come on! That’s not fair! Who could have guessed that they actually fell for it? Nobody could

anticipate that humans were that dense.” Lucifer shrugged and turned his attention back to the

phone.

“Why are humans dense?” A soft voice asked.

The two rebellious Gods craned their necks to see who was talking to them. They rather chose to sit

on the table than the chairs dedicated for it, as they knew it would annoy the others. They spotted

little God standing next to them, his tiny head barely visible beneath the huge tabletop. “Because

they believed in you, and in doing so doomed their world.” Loki said with a grin. “They created

you,” added Lucifer, “and I am being blamed for that. Thanks for that, buddy.” He shot the little

God a contentious look and turned away.

“I love the humans for their faith in me.” Little God said, his back straightened and voice firm.

“They are my herd, while I be the shepherd.”

Lucifer shook his head and sighed. “I created a monster.”

“Believe in me, and you shall be forgiven.”

“Did anyone ever tell you, how you were born?” Loki interjected the upcoming sermon. “I mean,

like what really happened?”

Little God put a finger into his mouth and thought. “I think so. I gave birth to myself. In a barn. A star shone high above that led three wise men-” “Yeah, enough.” Lucifer interrupted. “That’s my

story, little brat. He pointed two fingers at his chest, “That is what I told the world.”

“Sit down, boy,” said Loki. “Here’s how you were born. And this story is going to be wild.”

“Where do I begin?”

“Maybe at the beginning?”

“Shut up Loki.” Lucifer took a big gulp of wine and began: “I was there, 3000 years ago. Loki

introduced me to the idea of having some fun with the humans. We would go to Earth and do some

minor mischief. A wonder here, a plague there and some dictators in between. You know, building

pyramids, blaming aliens and burning some libraries. That kind of stuff. It became a ritual for the

two of us and we named it ‘Human Fools’.

What started as a joke, became a competition and we tried to outsmart one another to fool the most

possible people.”

Little God and Lucifer stared at Loki, as he began to chuckle. “Sorry, but that was a really hilarious

time.”

“Anyway,” continued Lucifer, “our pranks became more and more elaborate and then I came up

with an idea, that...well, ended in you.

“My preparations were elaborate this time. I asked Thor to hammer a meteor into Earths orbit, so it

would slowly burn into the atmosphere.” He watched little Gods, trying to catch a reaction. When

none came, he went on: “Back in the days Hercules was drinking hard and I told him, that when a

new star is born a messenger would arrive. He had no idea what I was talking about, but as an

obedient drunkhead I knew he would tell the story at every tavern he visited. I hoped for a larger

audience, but I guess, the three guys who showed up in the end were enough to get the story viral.”

Wide eyed little God stared at the devil. “You are Jesus!”

“I was. I ran around preaching all kind of weird stuff. That I am the only God, to only have sex with

your wife and the neighbors and of course a lot of love making. However, they got it all wrong in

the end. I thought it epic to give my message on top of a mountain, but Moses suffered elevation

sickness while I was dictating him the commandments. He even lost the better half of them, falling

down a cliff. What a moron.

“Anyway I had a good laugh pretending to be the chosen one. Then another moron showed up and

his name was Loki.” By his mentioning he raised a glass of wine in mock salute, then Lucifer

continued. “They had me beaten up. And nailed to a cross. And stabbed. And buried.” Lucifer

shook his head. “Crazy times, boy. Crazy times. Anyway, after Loki and I had a ‘devils-threesome’

with a girl from my following crowd we climbed out of the cave and thought it was all over. But as

you can surely guess by now, this was only the beginning.”

Little God couldn’t help himself but still stare at Lucifer. “You are Jesus! You are the son of

myself. You are my flesh and you are my blood.”

Lucifer jumped up, now standing on the table, irritation on his face “What are you talking about?”

“I was born because my folk, the humans, believed in me. I came into existence through the

connected willpower of belief. I am an omnipresence created from energy of thought. You became

the son of me, when you spoke my words and told my story. You became Jesus, Lucifer.” The little

God looked deep into the devils dark eyes and spoke: “I am your father.”

Loki shook from laughter, screaming and yelling. He held his stomach out of pain and fell off the

table onto the ground. He winded around, pounded the ground with both fist and laughed all the more. Between gasps of air he yelped over and over again “I am your father! Lucifer, I am your

father!”

Lucifer looked between Loki and the little God back and forth, couldn’t make any sense of the

situation anymore.

Little God grabbed the vacant chair and lifted himself on top of it before climbing the table, coming

closer to Lucifer. When he stood next to the ruler of hell he took the giant paws of the devil in both

of his tiny hands and whispered: “April fools.”

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