Sincerely, the Writer (Otherwise Known as the World's Most Notorious Prankster)

Submitted for Contest #87 in response to: Write about someone who’s spent a whole year planning a big prank, and now they’re finally ready to pull it off.... view prompt

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Apr 02, 2021

Mystery Adventure Funny

Aah, April Fool's Day! A day where pranksters across the globe prank and joke to their heart's desire! A day where one wrong step can get you pranked. A day full of mirth! A day full of humiliation. For us, careful planners, genius jokers, today is the day we have been waiting for for a whole year! Of course by "us" and "we" I mean me, but really, what is the difference? We are both human, after all.

Now, you might be wondering what is this elaborate epitome of mischief anyway? And what do I have to do with it? Glad you asked! For you, it is the opportunity to prove to yourself and others that you are the clever prodigy of a prankster that you think you are. (You aren't.) All you have to do is book a one-way flight to Antarctica. Very good. Now give me your plane ticket. Yes, yes, I will give it back, don't worry. Next, walk 40 paces from your local coffee shop. What? You don't know what a pace is!? Hmph, kids these days. Just walk 50 steps from your favorite grocery store, I suppose.

Are you there yet? Good, you are. As you can see, I have brought a shovel with me. Now you must dig until you have a hole that is 5 feet deep. Are you done yet? What?! That is much too shallow! This definitely is not 5 feet deep. Not even close! No, dummy, I meant 5 kangaroo's feet, not 5 normal feet. What do you mean, that is what people use where you're from? Where on earth do you live?! Gosh. I suppose you can just dig a few feet more. There, finally! See that shoebox sized box, made out of the finest ebony wood in the world, sealed with a lock made of extra-strong titanium (you can buy one at your local hardware store!), lined with silk to cushion the precious riches inside? Good, now haul it out.

Of course this has to do with the prank! You say it doesn't seem very prank-like? Well, think about it. Wouldn't such an intricate and innovative prank, something that has been planned for a year, not actually seem like a prank. It is a prank in disguise, if you will. Now, quit doubting this amazing practical joke and give me the box. Thank you very much. You are wondering what is inside? Well, I suppose I could give you a quick sneak peek. Astounding, isn't it? NO! Don't touch it! It is EXTREMELY delicate and expensive. Of course a clumsy ape such as yourself can't have it.

Right. We must head to the library right away now. Hurry up, I - I mean YOU - absolutely CANNOT miss that flight to Antarctica. Now that we are at the library, we must head to the Children's Room. A trusted associate of mine has hidden a piece of paper with a very secure location written on it inside a very boring book. Aha! Here it is: Little Bear Plays Mini Golf. Not top-quality literature, but it is rather suitable for hiding a secret message. No, don't touch it. Oh, stop whining, you will see where this secure location is soon enough. Now, we must get on the bus to downtown. What about the bus fare? I'm not made of money. I guess you will just have to pay.

Now that we are finally downtown, we shall head to the art museum. What for, you ask? Hold your horses, you'll see soon enough. Aha! There it is, the magnificent Statue of Anti Liberty. I now want you to search the perimeter of the statue's pedestal VERY  carefully. For what? Oh, I don't know, perhaps a secret passageway or something like that. Get searching, I don't have much time to waste before the flight. (Of course I meant "we", relax. It is not like I will leave you behind).

Excellent, you have finally found it. Just beneath the plaque that says "Please Do Not Touch", you say? Oh please, only ninnies and wimps follow the rules (and I certainly hope you aren't a ninny or a wimp). Just poke it and prod it a bit, it will certainly give way to the secret chamber. See, that wasn’t too difficult, was it? Now move out of the way I must retrieve the duffel bag inside. Oh why must you ask so many questions? The duffel bag is full of supplies, obviously. For what? Well, that does not concern you, so stop snooping. YES, you were snooping and don't deny it. Oh dear, we really must hustle or we will be late for um, our flight.

Ahh, finally at the airport with all the needed supplies. Tickets for a one-way flight to Antarctica, check. Secure box full of very expensive, definitely-not-stolen-or-illegal-contraband, check. Duffel bag full of supplies, check. Come on now, let's board our flight. Oh dear, I seem to have misplaced my ticket. You must give me your ticket and buy another one for me. Why can't I do it? Well, do you want to pull this thing off or not? Good grief. If (cough, and when, cough) you don't make it back, this letter contains a message and an extra plane ticket. Open it by the end of today if you don't make it in time. Happy April Fool's Day!

10 MINUTES LATER...

You haven’t made it back in time. Dismayed, you open the envelope. Inside there is no plane ticket. Instead, there is just a letter: 

Dear Reader, 

You were convinced that I would actually allow you to come down to Antarctica with me? If you did, you are more foolish than I thought  as foolish as I suspected. Without knowing it, you have aided a notorious criminal prankster in escaping prosecution. I have used your money and your time to escape into the wilds of Antarctica with my stolen goods and supplies. I have spent a whole entire year planning the perfect prank and choosing the perfect person to play it on. If you really thought that you were assisting me in an elaborate prank, you were right-on you! Happy April Fool’s Day, from the Prankster to the Fool. 

Sincerely, 

The Writer, Otherwise Known as the World’s Most Notorious Prankster

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