27 comments

Mar 06, 2021

Adventure Sad Teens & Young Adult

The glorious sun lifted through the horizon, making sure it was known by everyone in the neighborhood. Rays of liquid sunshine spit through the windows of the sleepy town off the coast of natural land. Major waves kissed the edge of the quarry before sloshing back to great depths, leaving fluffy froth in its path. Slimy, writhing fish flopped helplessly in search of their lifeboat, struggling to extend their lives just a little bit further. Sun rays reflected off of the glassy exterior of recently deceased aquatic animals, making rainbow patterns in the air. Mai Island would soon be awakening to enjoy the spectacular morning array before them. As for Ayanna, she would be packing her heavyweight carry-ons in anguish and defeat. The celebratory ceremonies of the morning would elude her, as she would be leaving the beholder of memories and ghostly spirits of her past. 

After shoving the last piece of clothing in the plastic carry-on, Ayanna toted it to the large moving van parked outside her tropical abode. Bringing slender hands to her sunkissed face, wiping away liquid sadness, Ayanna walked back into her house, doing a quick look over making sure she didn’t leave anything forgotten. As Ayanna roamed through each room of the house, she saw remnants of her life, moving around like ghosts. Standing in the room, considered the keeper of dreams, she saw young Ayanna on Christmas day, white earbuds dangling from both ears, iPod Shuffle in hand. The music blasting from the device, she remembered, was the latest Christmas song of the year, played on repeat until she got bored. Hands waving in the air and dancing wildly mimicking the moves of dancers on tv. Small drips of water awakened Ayanna to the present, and she made her way to the bathroom to turn off the leaky faucet to no avail. No matter how many times she adjusted the handle, the sink would always leak. Ayanna smiled at the same leak in the sink, thinking to herself I won’t be stuck with you anymore. The small memories wafting through the house like strong aromas of the past are what pushed her through the sorrowful move. Sitting on the porcelain bowl teenage Ayanna looked down in her undergarments to notice huge splotches of blood. Looking around the room frightful, she screamed for her mother who came rushing to her aide. Chuckling lightly, now knowing the cycles of life, Ayanna moved on to the next room. Swirling in the kitchen with much grace and light, Ayanna’s ghostly mother danced to Islander music, a rubber pink spoon in hand, dripping light batter onto the floor. Ayanna could still hear the bark as Toto, the old Shepard, sprinted from his perch to lap up the circles of delectable food settling to the floor. Turning her back to the kitchen, Ayanna now faced the living room, where her family shared in watching family favorite movies, laughing and indulging in the emotions the fake characters shared. Suddenly in the once forbidden zone for children, Ayanna arrived in her parent’s room where her father poured over websites and websites of glorious houses in the city, leaving the house quiet for hours at a time. The moving truck loomed with great depression shadowing the brightest moments of Ayanna’s life. 

With heavy strides, she made her way to the front yard, finding a group of familiar people waiting and watching. “Hey guys,” Ayanna smiled weakly. The 4 teens, similar in age, bombarded Ayanna with hugs of encouragement. Turning towards the now empty house, Ayanna quickly wiped spilling tears with the back of her hand. “I’m going to miss you guys,” was broken up into pieces as gasping sobs broke through each word. The angsty teens lost for words walked to each side of Ayanna and grasped her hands. They formed into a tight circle, putting their heads together and muttering words of endearments and encouragement. “It’s going to be okay,” reassured one of the teens. The onlooking parents of Ayanna couldn’t help but slip a few tears themselves, watching the group of best friends as one of the members was torn apart from them. “Girls, I thought since we have to make several drives Ayanna could stay here for the rest of the day. You guys are going to need the time together after the move,” Ayanna’s mother smiled weakly. “Really,” gasped the group in unison, eyes brightening just a little. Ayanna’s mom gave a confirming nod, the group ran in the direction of the town, sprinting to squeeze in a couple more memories before they would cease altogether. 

The disheveled group of distraught teens looked up at their favorite restaurant on the whole island. Lost At Sea beamed bright tropical colors making known to everyone in the flanking towns. Ayanna walked in first, her friends following, as the smells of the local restaurant took over her. Not only did the smells dizzy her but the idea of not being able to come back and make continuing memories weakened Ayanna. Picking a window seat, the group pondered over the menu, aiming to order something extra special for the last visitation period. “What can I get for you regulars,” laughed the waiter who bore a name tag reading Claire. “Well Claire, our friend here is moving away and we need an extra special dinner to share,” sympathetically stated one of the teens. “Awe, I’m so sorry to hear that. I will have the chefs in the back make a very special chef’s dinner. On the house,” granted Claire. “Oh you don’t have to,” interjected Ayanna. Waving a slender hand, Claire made her way back to the front desk. “So I was thinking while we wait, we should describe in great detail our favorite memories from the past several years, instead of moping around and wrestling with the notion that Ayanna is going away,” a teen beamed. “Oh, that’s a great idea, Emily,” burst a black-haired teen. 

The friends then began to reminisce about the better times. Various topics ranging from the meeting and forming of the friendship group to laughs and rumors spread about boys and relationships. Hours slowly began to tick by, hour by hour plates getting emptied and glasses getting refilled by the minute. Claire broke into their fun once more bringing upon the commonly asked question regarding the dessert. “That sounds amazing,” Emily broke through the noise. With a smile, Claire returned once more to the front quarters. “I still can’t believe you’re leaving RoseWater. The school is definitely going to miss you. I just don’t understand why you can’t just live out your last year of high school,” Emily frowned. Ayanna shrugged before thanking Claire for the dessert. The whole group began to salivate at the sight of cherry pie alamode, ignoring their stomach full of tropical foods. The smell of freshly baked cherries blessed the noses of the group. The pure vanilla ice cream dripped on the sides when Ayanna cut a small sliver. The group resumed chatter, ignoring the dwindling time, slowly vanishing before their eyes.

The glorious sun inched near but not past the horizon, ending the constant chatter of saddened teens. The group left Lost At Sea with full stomachs and empty hearts, feeling a deeper shade of sadness than when they had arrived. The group had decided they would take a nightly stroll on the beach and watch as the sky took on different colors. The friends left in the directions of their house but returning to the white sandy beaches of Mai. 

When arriving at the edge of the water, Ayanna looked out past the low tide admiring the sounds of sea creatures. The wind ruffled her hair, whispering terms of unknown secrets through her mind. As Ayanna waited for everyone to return, she laid down the beach blanket with shells decorating the corners and smoothed the cloth as best as she could. After sitting and admiring the waning sun, the rest of the inseparable group returned. Ayanna realized each person carried some sort of item varying in size. Emily was holding a strand of lights, which Ayanna knew would be set up around the group, illuminating the darkness. “We all prepared a little something for you. A parting gift if you will, so before you interject each of us is going to hand you our handmade items and you will open them,” smiled Emily. “I guess I will start,” Emily added. A brown sack was handed over to Ayanna which she picked up gingerly. When the 2 sides of the bag were peeled back 5 bracelets were settled in the bottom. Each one a different and unique color, they bore the combined initials of the group, along with tropical materials and decorations clung to the woven pieces of art. “I got us all one so that you, and whenever we have to part ways with the island, we will be able to take a piece of each other with us,” cheekily smiled Emily. “Oh my gosh, I love these. This is never leaving my wrist,” Ayanna gushed. “Go ahead and choose one,” instructed Emily. Picking the prettiest of the 5 Ayanna handed it over to Emily who connected the 2 ends of the bracelet around Ayanna’s slender wrist. Without having to ask Ayanna passed the rest of the bracelets amongst the group, each one admiring the craftsmanship. The black-haired girl yielded a singular book, with beautiful calligraphy and art on the front. After receiving the book Ayana read the penmanship carefully digesting each word. In the following pages of this book, I have pictures we have taken throughout our adventures together. This book is so you will never forget the standing and long-lasting memories we all have shared, Love Lillian. Ayanna flipped through the book eagerly tenderly touching each page. When reaching the last plastic page of the album, Ayanna looked at Lillian, “Thank you so much. I will be carrying this with me every place I go.” The blond-haired girl in the group came forth with a small plastic container, holding some of Ayanna’s favorite foods from her favorite restaurants. “How did you even manage to get different restaurants to do this,” laughed Ayanna. “They made an exception,” laughed Maria, the blonde. Ayanna moved to the last present with contempt and overwhelming happiness. Ayanna’s eyes peered upon a beautiful array of different pictures, arranged with great care among a corkboard. Etched on the top board was a quote from the movie Up, “Adventure is out there”. “You know I love that movie,” Ayanna smiled. The friends huddled close together, the heat of their bodies mixing together. 

Without uttering any more words, the teens sat in a row, each individual watched as the remnants of the sun disappeared beneath the surface. Hues of red and orange encircled the ocean, turning it pink instead of blue. Everyone admired the colors and the spectacle unfolding before them. The light was quickly snuffed out, by the grim reaper known as mom. Ayanna’s mother tapped her on the shoulder, whispering 4 words in her ear, shattering her sense of security, “It’s time to go.” A feeling of dread dropped through Ayanna’s body at the realization and weight of the problem at hand. The group of teens gathered around Ayanna once more, and the family walked to the lone car in the lot, presents in hand. After stowing the gifts in the car, Ayanna turned to a group of waving people. Ayanna raised a hand in response and climbed into the car. Ayanna watched, as her closest companions disappeared further and further into the distance. Out of sight forever. Looking forward to the road leading to her future, a single tear fell, confirming a continuous waterfall was to be expected.

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27 comments

Radhika Diksha
14:08 Mar 11, 2021

Great, story Kal. (Can I call you that?) I love the plotline, it has a lot of potentials. But I think you can improve a lot on the writing style. The continuous paras are like draining to read. Just work on that. Some grammar improvements and you are good to go. I enjoyed reading your story. Keep writing.

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Kaleigh Montague
18:30 Mar 12, 2021

Thanks for the constructive criticism! I have been needing some critiquing because ever since I was little everyone told me your stories are great and I love them no matter how they were written. I will definitely work on that for my next submission. Much appreciated and yeah I'm cool if you call me that lol. I tried to proofread as much as I could but it was late and I didn't feel like doing the nitty-gritty lmao. I'm hoping my next one will be good I'm going to try and read the stories of the people I follow more so I will be checking your...

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Radhika Diksha
03:06 Mar 13, 2021

Welcome

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16:23 Apr 06, 2021

1: I barely listen to corpse husband, but the numerous times I've been compared to him and recommended him must give me some clout 2: THAT DESCRIPTION :) like what? Amazing job! This has a poetic feel too! 3: A little bit of critique: maybe split it up a little with dialouge/inner thoughts? I would have loved to see just that little boost of character 4: Overall, great job!

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Kaleigh Montague
16:47 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you! This means a lot to me! I'm trying to expand my knowledge. I had a considerable break, but am exciting to get back into writing, especially now with these compliments! Also, I have been asking around, but would you be willing to talk some more. I would love to be friends! My Snap is in my bio and I'm willing to chat over different platforms, just not Insta, Twitter, or Facebook. I have messenger, but not Facebook lmao. But just lmk, if you're not comfortable with this I understand as well! I would love to hear from you!

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17:32 Apr 06, 2021

Lol, I don't have any real social media (spotify and pintrest are where I hide) but I could still talk to you a little here if you wanted, but I understand that it's a little weird both ways so like.. yeah. I can't wait to read your other stories!

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Kaleigh Montague
17:33 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you! I understand I have strict parents as well! I also have Pinterest. If you want I have another underground way to conversate with people if you want me to share!

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17:36 Apr 06, 2021

Naw, I'd rather keep my Pinterest under wraps :) Maybe if I get to know you more, I'd give it to you and then maybe email/numbers?

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Kaleigh Montague
17:40 Apr 06, 2021

Is there anything we could use to make it a little easier? I don't check this very well, I don't mean to pry, but I wish we could find something a little easier for me.

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Jen Park
14:50 Mar 16, 2021

I love the part where she tours around the house, and that "ghostly mom" sentence is strangely endearing (this is a complement) And it reminded me how beautiful teenager's friendship can be. All teens in this story is mature, I like it. "Their heats mix together" was so lyrical and beautiful. Except about the shifts between the paragraphs I don't have any critique. I am yet in position to learn, not to teach. Besides that, I carefully suggest you to develop something more about your characters, I think that will add a lot to the wonderful...

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Kaleigh Montague
19:06 Mar 16, 2021

Thank you! I always take feedback, anything to improve my writing! I have just recently noticed I have no connection for the characters and am currently working on that. The next prompt that I'm writing I think will definitely portray this more! I will sometime in the near future be checking out other peoples stories including yours! I hope to talk to you more soon as well! Thank you for the feedback!

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Michael Boquet
18:29 Mar 11, 2021

A solid first submission. I think my favorite part was Ayanna's tour through the house. I love the phrasing and metaphor you sprinkled throughout that section. I also like the bittersweet ending. You do a great job of capturing emotion and your characters feel real. One minor suggestion, I think you could break up your thoughts a bit more. The wall of text' paragraphs are a bit hard to read, especially with how this site formats things. Thanks for the follow. I hope you'll take the time to read some of my stories!

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Kaleigh Montague
18:32 Mar 12, 2021

I will definitely be reading your stories when I have the time lol. I'm a very busy person when it comes to school and work. But thank you for the feedback, I have been trying to get critiquing feedback for years and haven't got any because I have very supportive family members and friends so they always tell me how good my stories are but they never tell me what's wrong with them. Just being on this site is going to help me become a better writer I can see it! Thank you!

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Michael Boquet
18:38 Mar 12, 2021

You're welcome. No rush at getting to my stories, though I'll appreciate it when you do. I've learned that until you "make friends" on the site with whom you exchange weekly critiques, the best way to get comments is to ask people to read your stories, which is why I asked you. Looking forward to reading more from you. I always do my best to leave positive and constructive feedback for the people I follow.

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Izzie Q.
12:07 Mar 11, 2021

Hey Kaleigh (love the name btw), what a fabulous first story! this has great pacing and the last sentece was really powerful! this community is lucky to have you join :)

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Kaleigh Montague
13:35 Mar 11, 2021

Awee thank you! I have been writing since I was young, I want to do something with my writing skills and when my English teacher told me about Reedsy I thought this would be a good place to start. I'm excited to see what this community has in store. I'm going to go through and read the stories you and others have published because I want to be fully immersed in this community. This story was really last minute because, and same with the one I'm writing for the current contest. But thank you that makes me feel good, this makes me want to cont...

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Izzie Q.
12:02 Mar 12, 2021

Aww yeah!! That's really inspirational and it's sooo cool that you are going after your goals!! I would love to support you all the way :) Anyway, how's your week been? Anything fun going on?

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Kaleigh Montague
18:26 Mar 12, 2021

Not really lol I just had a lot of school work and I have been working a lot. That is why most of my stories are so last minute lol.

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Izzie Q.
04:44 Mar 13, 2021

I get that and I wish you luck in the future :D

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