Feb 06, 2021

Coming of Age Fiction Sad

Hello everyone! I hope you are having an AMAZING week! This is a scene that I'm writing for my first novel! Any tips?

Like always, feedback is always appreciated! Thanks!

(PS: Thinking about changing my name, lemme know if you have any suggestions!)

~~~

My family, -and the kingdom, didn't know I existed until my sister died.

A very tragic day; The gunshot still ringing in my ear whenever I zoned out of class. Her face in shock, as she fell to the floor of the opera. The pure silence after that moment.

Then came the panic.

~~~

It was her big day. Princess Taylor's first opera concert. She was only twenty, her coronation only a couple weeks away.

My parents sat in a box with a great view of the stage; Along with me, hood covering my face.

If anyone saw me, then the family would crumble.

The kingdom had a law, tradition held since the beginning of the dynasty. The royal bloodline could only produce one heir. Not one more. If a queen found herself pregnant with a second, the baby would be given away to another family, or left out to the forest surrounding the kingdom.

And being born four years after my sister, I should have been dead.

Which was what the people thought.

However, my mother couldn't bear to throw me away. So, I was raised in the castle in secret, my existence only known by my parents and sister. I was trained what my sister was taught, only in hushed silence as the maids and cooks finally went in for the night.

I was there during all official sighting and proclamations, although I always wore a dark hood over my head, and my parents would explain that I was a lady in training, watching the princess's every move to graduate from my training.

And I came to my sister's big day, her first concert at the opera. I will always remember her voice. They called her the Nightingale, with a sweet voice told across the land.

She sang her final note. Everyone stood up and clapped, no one louder than me.

The shot rang out.

My sister looked to me, eyes wide.

She dropped dead to the floor.

~~~

"Mother, why do I have to reveal myself? Wouldn't it cause treason to you and father?"

"Perhaps," my mother said, pursing her lips as she finished brushing my long, amber hair. "But you are the next in line for the throne, whether they like it or not."

"What do I say?" I question. As soon as I come out of that stage, who knows what could happen? I could be cheered on, be neglected, or possibly shot like my dear sister.

How quickly things change.

I sighed, biting my lips.

"Stand up," my mother said. I stood up as she laced the corset on me.

"What if they don't accept me?" I ask, shakily.

She gave me a sad look, "We'll see, won't we?"

I sighed. I never expected to become queen. That was supposed to be Taylor. But me? A real queen? Would I even do well? Would my sister be proud of me, taking her legacy? Would I be the queen my kingdom deserved? Would I enjoy it? All that arose were more and more doubts.

I held my breath as I exited the room, maids and stewards staring at me.

In my sister's crown. Green emeralds instead of yellow ambers.

~~~

"My people," my father started, "We cannot express our grief for Princess Taylor, as we will never understand yours, for you have loved and cared for her in ways that cannot be expressed in words. She will always live on, in our hearts she has touched. She may be gone, but she has grown new wings, and our Nightingale will always sing her lovely melody, no matter where she is." The kingdom cheered to that.

"Now, I hope you welcome the second heir with the same love and kindness you had treated her." A couple gasps, but mainly there was silence at this.

I want next to my father, wearing a shimmering emerald gown, with golden touches. I wore golden jewelry, and golden vines wrapped through my curled hair. My crown shined in the sunlight, and was a sight to behold.

I couldn't have been more miserable.

As the kingdom cheered on, I kept up my fake smile, barely practiced, although no one could tell.

"Speech!" A man shouted.

"Yes, speech!" A women exclaimed. Before I knew it, everyone was excited to hear me speak. Me.

I held my breath, and started to speak.

"Hello, I'm the future princess, Kiara. You probably don't know me. I've been in hiding for the past sixteen years or my life, because of the law stating that royals may only have one heir, not one more. You may be hesitant about whether I'm fit to lead, doubts I have about myself. But I've studied the same things my sister has, except not publicly. I know diplomacy, reading, writing, algebra, geometry, geography, history, and much more. My sister even tutored me, after everyone went to bed. Will I be a great queen? We don't know. All I can say is that I will try to be the queen you deserve. The queen my sister was."

By the end, even the toughest of souls shed a small tear. I didn't know I had what my sister had in me. The ability to help people. The ability to help others feel. The ability to have a powerful voice to impact others.

Even so, something felt very off. I didn't enjoy it. And it scared me. Was this what I wanted? Or was this a mistake?

~~~

"You did wonderful!" said my mother. She gave me a quick hug, but pulled away quick. Even with family, it was improper to hug for a long time.

"Thanks," I said.

"Now you just have to get through your coronation."

"My what?!"

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

142 comments

Wow...such a great beginning of your novel Maanha! :) P.S. Yes, I like the name "Starry M" :) Your name: 🌟𝓢𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓜🌟

Reply

Show 1 reply

part 4 out! Don't ask me how I write so fast :)

Reply

Yay! I'll check it out soon! :D

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

part 3 is out! (legions of legends)

Reply

Ok! Will check it out soon!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Ana Govindasamy
20:21 Feb 20, 2021

Woah, I loved the explanations as it didn’t sound too info-dumpy which is a feat to pull off! The kind of inner-turmoil felt very realistic and was very nice. I wouldn’t have known what to do with this prompt, but you did an amazing job! Well done! :D 💕

Reply

Thank you so much! 💖

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kate Reynolds
23:25 Feb 07, 2021

Ooohhhh! I really liked this whole idea!!!!! One suggestion though: Maybe you could describe her life before her sister died, like talk about how hard it was being hidden away all the time! Wonderful job though! (If you ever publish it, I will for sure buy it!!!!!!)

Reply

Aw thanks for the feedback and support! :D

Reply

Kate Reynolds
23:53 Feb 07, 2021

Anytime!!! And yesssss I like the name Starry M!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

Kate Reynolds
01:51 Feb 08, 2021

:))))

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

oof. I can totally relate to this Kiara...someone has been saying that I'm a queen (which I'm not) and they keep pushing the point. It's like..."My crown shined in the sunlight, and was a sight to behold. I couldn't have been more miserable." so relatable tho :)

Reply

Thanks! :D Yeah, I don't think I' want to be royalty either :P

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
B. W.
04:40 Mar 02, 2021

New thread?

Reply

Sure! So how's your day?

Reply

B. W.
04:53 Mar 02, 2021

I guess it's going good, I'm finally attempting to work on another story. I just hope it's good.

Reply

Aww it's going to be amazing! What's it about?

Reply

B. W.
05:30 Mar 02, 2021

It's the one about the hotel and sharing the room with someone else

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
B. W.
02:22 Feb 28, 2021

First, what name do you think that the main character should have? also should they be a girl or boy?

Reply

Mm idrk, do you have an idea for personality or something?

Reply

B. W.
03:43 Feb 28, 2021

They could be really nervous about a lot of things, but also curious at the same time. They could also not trust people that much, so like truth issues. Stuff like that, what do you think?

Reply

Hmm ok. Maybe we could do Maddie? Idk I'm just thinking of random names lol. Do you have any ideas?

Reply

B. W.
03:58 Feb 28, 2021

Hm, we can have the name Maddie for her. Do you think she should be like 18 or something?

Reply

Sure! I have an idea for the plot, wanna hear it? It's kind if a plot twist-y thing (if that makes sense lol)

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

part 6 out! I know you wanted to know :))

Reply

One step ahead of you... ;)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Izzie Q.
03:18 Feb 27, 2021

hey friend!! so i just put out three new stories, feel free to take a look! anything you say will probably make me rlly happy :)

Reply

Ok! I'll check them out soon!

Reply

Izzie Q.
05:07 Feb 27, 2021

thank you!!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

HEHEHHEEHEHE PART 5 IS OUT XDDDD!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Izzie Q.
21:29 Feb 24, 2021

Hi! ASJHAJSH This is sooo good M!! I think I'm in love with your writing style and I can't wait to see more! This community is really lucky to have you! Hope your dentists appointment went ok, I hate those! I just got bloood drawn from the doctor and EW i almost fainted but blood doesnt usually bother me! oooh I was reading your bio (not a stalker I swear haha :D ) and I saw that you play ANCH!! Whose your fav villager?

Reply

Thanks! 1. It went fine, although they put on this sealance thing on my teeth and it tastes super weird :'D 2. My fav villager is Maple! Trying to get her atm lol. I actually restarted my island not a long time ago, and I'm still working on getting the 3 villagers soo-

Reply

Izzie Q.
22:30 Feb 24, 2021

aww maples' cute! I just looked her up lol and awww BEARS!! Yeah, Marina is probably my favorite but I love lazy villagers they literally run up to me and are like "ay yo, so the bugs were whispering about you last night." i've just learned to accept that I'm popular in bug gossip :D

Reply

LOL, Marina along with the other squid villagers are AMAZING

Reply

Izzie Q.
01:50 Feb 25, 2021

yess only three of them and octavian is a baddie >:3

Reply

Izzie Q.
02:17 Feb 25, 2021

oooh would it be ok if I asked for you switch friend code? wait actually, I could just put mine down! omg i bet your island is super cute, how many stars do you have? SW-1391-2950-4040

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Danny ~
02:00 Feb 19, 2021

Great story, Maanha! This was a creative way to write about the prompts, buttt like since it was an excerpt from your novel, I think it's great the prompts fit XDD I really enjoyed reading it. Great job! Also, ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ lol XDD

Reply

Danny ~
03:17 Feb 19, 2021

No problem! :))

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Maya Emerson
15:00 Feb 14, 2021

✨✨✨

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kate Reynolds
23:35 Feb 07, 2021

✨

Reply

Kate Reynolds
23:53 Feb 07, 2021

✨✨

Reply

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

Reply

Kate Reynolds
01:52 Feb 08, 2021

XD

Reply

Show 2 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

Awwwwww Gosh, omg ttysm for putting me in ur bioooo <333

Reply

Btw, I read your bio, are you leaving?

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 2 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Ari Reynes
22:47 Feb 08, 2021

✨

Reply

Ari Reynes
22:59 Feb 08, 2021

:)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply