28 comments

Jan 22, 2021

Mystery Thriller Fiction

I open my eyes, hearing wind blowing on my window. I wake up not knowing what time it is. I throw some jeans and a shirt on. I rush into the bathroom, having the urge to pee. I brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair and I'm off. I put my coat on and head outside. When I get into my truck, it wont turn on. Dammit! this old piece of crap. After another try, a loud roaring sound comes to life, finally. I rush out the driveway, nearly smashing into the mailbox, and screech all the way down the street. A red light brings me to a stop.

"Come on, come on!" I say to myself.

Cars on my right, slow down. Green light, I floor it down the street passing a stop sign. Then, I notice an all black cop car, on my tail. I don't slow down, knowing I'm about to get pulled over. Red and blue lights start flashing, I'm in a high speed chase, sliding past cars and hitting street lights. Nearly colliding into a Semi trailer - truck, I hear the cop yelling over the intercom: Stop your Goddamn Vehicle Now! I make a sharp right, hearing a loud boom, I look into my rear view mirror and see a flipped over cop car. cars start to pile up onto each other, the wind is blowing so hard against the glass. My wipers can barely take out the snow that keeps piling up. After a couple minutes of escaping the Cops, I drive into the workshop and get out of the car. What did I get myself into?

"Morning Kyle," I tell my boss.

"Morning Sean," Kyle says to me.

Where is Lacey and Bryan? I ask.

They had today off since there will be a Blizzard today. Kyle says.

Oh, Ok.

Hey Sean, you mind helping me lock all the doors before I leave to go home?

Yeah, Sure.

Kyle heads outside, and he hands me the keys.

"Make sure to look after the workshop while I'm gone, Ok Sean?"

"You got it Kyle" drive safe out there.

I headed upstairs after finishing the list of jobs I had to do. 

“I hear creaking in the room next to me…”

“I get up, turn around and see Garfield, my boss’s cat”

“Oh… I say in relief, It's just you.”

“I start to wonder around, since there is nothing to do.”

“I went into my boss Kyle’s room….” Kyle always told all of us to never go into his office.

But I went anyway. Not paying any attention to what he said, it went out one ear and came out my other. 

When I entered the room it smelled of cigarettes, In the corner of the room there was a crate… I reached for the handle, and it surprisingly opened. I found a couple of billing papers, and a silver plated deagle. Minutes after searching…

 “I found a gold key on his desk that has a capital letter L on it, not knowing what the heck that meant.” Above from his desk, I see a signed baseball bat. 

I can figure out what it says because it has a bunch of signatures on it. 

I head out of the room because I didn't find anything to exciting

I sat down and thought about what the capital L on the key meant...

Lacey?

I'm standing in front of Laceys room, I head for the handle, and it's locked, I try to see if the key would open the door. It fits perfectly, I hear a click... release the key. The door opens, and the first thing that catches my eye is the hundreds of pictures hanging on the wall behind her desk. I inch closer to get a better glimpse, I notice a lot of them look like Lacey. Suddenly questions start to race around in my head. 

“Why does Kyle have the keys to Laceys room?” 

“How did he get them?” 

“Did Lacey give them to him?”

I search for a couple more minutes…. I walk over to Laceys desk andI just find some papers, a box of paper clips, tape, and a halfway gone tissue box. I start at the second drawer… It's locked. I get up from kneeling, and head downstairs. I took my toolbox out of my trunk and set it on the floor, opened it and grabbed my crowbar. I run upstairs and enter into Laceys room. I jab the thin side of the crowbar into the small slot of the drawer, and pull with all my strength. It broke the lock and it slid open. I find a lot of dark orange paperwork folders, and pull them out. I took a look at them but put them down when I noticed a rectangular envelope sitting on the bottom of the drawer. 

The letter starts off with; 

Dear Sean, 

IF YOU GET THIS LETTER… DON'T SPEAK TO ANYONE OF IT. 

The other day I got a call from Bryan… He told me last tuesday, he was ready to get in his car to leave and go home. But he overheard Kyle talking to this person on the phone. Kyle told him/her that he wanted me dead for some reason. Then he said he offered this guy named Richard $5,000. Kyle then called Bryan into his office. That's when he hung up without saying “I got to go, or stay safe.”I panicked and started to pack some clothes, and get ready to head far out of town as I could. If you want to find me I'm hiding in a hotel called “Hotel Stay Ins” well that's all that I have to tell you Sean, WATCH YOUR BACK, AND REMEMBER NOT TO SAY A WORD TO ANYONE. 

Sincerely, L.

I get up, and pace back and forth around the room. I walk to the hallway, and look for Bryans room… I reach over for the handle… It's locked. 

“Why is every single door in this building locked?” I say with anger. I slammed the crowbar down on the handle, and it snapped like a thin twig. It opened and I see Bryan slumped over with his head resting on his desk, next to a couple of beer cans. I walked up and shook his arm that was grasped around the beer. 

“Bryan!” 

“Do you hear me?” 

“Bryan, wake up!”

I pull him up. A stain of blood coming from his nose trickles all the way down to his shirt, a swollen black eye appears on the left side of his face.

“I started to wonder if Kyle… Wait...

“Kyle?”

“This can't be… I knew Kyle since we were in Middle school…”

“I can't believe it!”

“Kyle is the one behind all of this mess. The assassination plan… The key…”

I take out my phone and call the cops. After half an hour of waiting... The police  arrive. I hear an ambulance nearby. 

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I go downstairs and take the boards off of the windows. 

“Good almost afternoon officers… I say with fear. 

“Sir, step aside please.” the officer says with his gun out. 

They search around, and ask me a few questions…

I tell them I've been here for a couple hours, and that I was looking around for clues after I found the letter in Laceys desk. They also ask me “How did I get inside the rooms?” I tell them that I found a letter L on a key inside my boss Kyle's room, I also tell them about the note and this guy named Richard. 

The paramedics take Bryan's body, and place it into a long all black body bag. 

At that point I wanted to pack my stuff, and leave town just like Lacey did....

A Couple days went from weeks to months, since I had been back to work. I hadn't got a call from Lacey. I got a call from the cops saying that they found Kyle hiding out of town in his wife's house, they took him to jail, and said he would be spending some years in jail without bail. 

...

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28 comments

Daryl Oliver
18:41 Jan 22, 2021

I hate to read my own stories once I write them. But, If I don't, I leave them with a few spelling errors, punctuation errors, and Capitalization errors. I like the story a lot. I could see a lot of the things as they were happening. I do get distracted (just as people do when they read my stories) when I see little mistakes. Go back and edit your work. It is worth it to have that polish on a great story. If you need to, ask someone to help edit your work.

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Xander Dmer
18:52 Jan 22, 2021

Hey Daryl! Thank You! for the feedback :) I will go over it, and correct my mistakes. and again Thank You!

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Amazing story Xander...great job!

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Xander Dmer
18:53 Jan 22, 2021

Hey Laila! Thank You for the comment! I gladly appreciate it! :)

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Xander Dmer
19:29 Jan 22, 2021

:)

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Cara Alexia
15:15 Jan 25, 2021

This was such a great story. I loved the fast-paced action and the thrill of it all. There are a few errors, but that's something we all face. I can't wait to see your future stories, keep up the good work! (:

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Xander Dmer
15:30 Jan 25, 2021

Hey Bill! Thank You! for the feedback :) I will read the story again, and check my errors :) Im glad you like my story :)

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Cara Alexia
15:36 Jan 25, 2021

No problem! (:

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Xander Dmer
20:54 Feb 08, 2021

Why are there DOWNVOTERS????? I mean think to yourself. . . What is downvoting someone doing??? Lowering peoples Karma Points ( Not Nice! ) Positive Energy NOT negative :D :D :D XD XD

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Kelly Ellen
01:58 Jan 27, 2021

Wow, I feel like I read this story in no time because of the fast-paced way you wrote it. It is wonderful! As soon as I got to '"Come on come on", I say to myself', I started reading furiously. It sounds like the first chapter of a mystery novel. I think you could take this story so much further if you wanted to! Great job!

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Xander Dmer
12:36 Jan 27, 2021

Thank You So Much Kelly! Im really happy you liked my book :) I started to think if I should make a part 2 but shorter than the one I wrote.

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Kelly Ellen
13:41 Jan 27, 2021

Definitely make a part two!!

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Xander Dmer
13:47 Jan 27, 2021

Ok! I will :) I have to finish submitting my story for this week though. I will let you know when I finish the part 2 of the story :)

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Xander Dmer
13:47 Jan 27, 2021

Im going to have to put it in the chatbox.

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Whitney Jones
17:38 Feb 11, 2021

Ikr, I was the same way, Kelly.

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Jay Dmer
22:34 Jan 26, 2021

There are areas where it shouldn't be quoted and there are other areas that should be quoted. There was also things I didn't get. 1. How come Lacy and Bryan got the day off because of the bizarre and you weren't? 2. How did Sean just wake up and is going to work, but no one is there? 3. How did Lacy know Sean was going to get the letter (if at all) if it's lock The story was nice and intense. Nice job.

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Xander Dmer
12:49 Jan 27, 2021

To answer you first question do you mean Blizzard? Lacey and Bryan got the day off because they finished the jobs that Kyle wanted them to do. Sean missed a work day, thats why Lacey and Bryan got a day off. Does that answer your question? To answer your second question... Kyle was the one waiting for Sean to arrive to work so he could leave, and Sean could take care of Garfield while Kyle is gone. Does that help? To answer your last question... Lacey knew that Sean was going to get the letter, because she knows that Sean is suspicious of...

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Whitney Jones
17:37 Feb 11, 2021

Make sure you have you reread your story to make sure that you have correct punctuation and grammar. I loooooooove the action/crime(and I hate watching crime/actions movies). It's so interesting and good. When I started reading the end of the first paragraph, okay keep going, but then when I got to the, like the third paragraph, I was like dang. Xander, you did a really good job! It was very very well-written. Keep it up.

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Okay, so I know I just put something about your ending being great in your first submission... but I really like the beginning, but the ending bores me a little. You started off so strong, but the ending felt a little off. Maybe the excessive breaks in paragraphs? It’s hard to pull that off. Great job overall though!

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Xander Dmer
12:53 Feb 09, 2021

Thank You So Much!! :) also yeah I agree, I really enjoyed writing this story too.

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Janetra Waters
14:50 Jan 27, 2021

Overall, it was a great story. It was a bit hard to follow in some parts, due to grammatical and punctuation errors. But, I still really liked it.

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Xander Dmer
15:53 Jan 27, 2021

Thank You! for your feedback :) Im glad you liked it! What parts were hard to follow in?

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Janetra Waters
18:31 Jan 27, 2021

For me, the dialogue was hard to follow. At parts, I wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or someone else. And there were odd breaks between the sentences in the dialogue.

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Xander Dmer
19:38 Jan 27, 2021

Ok... I have a question for you. How can he be talking to someone else if he was the only one there? Kyle left, and he was alone. Also this is an example: “I started to wonder if Kyle… Wait... “Kyle?” “This can't be… I knew Kyle since we were in Middle school…” “I can't believe it!” “Kyle is the one behind all of this mess. The assassination plan… The key…” You can tell that he is talking to himself.

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Janetra Waters
21:24 Jan 27, 2021

My mind automatically associates quotation marks with dialogue. Inner dialogue is italicized inside quotation marks. Since your character's inner dialogue are also in quotation marks, for me, even if he's talking to himself, it seems like he's in conversation with someone else. Both outward and inner dialogue are written the same way, so it's a bit hard for my brain to separate when he's talking to himself, if that makes sense. That's the best way I can explain it.

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Xander Dmer
12:43 Jan 28, 2021

Got It! Thank You! for your feedback :) Im glad you like my stories :)

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