16 comments

Jan 17, 2021

Fiction Mystery Suspense

I was staring at the falling snow outside the window when Ryan walked in.

β€œHey.”

β€œHi.”

β€œWhat are you looking at?” We just woke up and he was already starting his nonsense.

β€œWhat do you want?” 

β€œNothing.” He seemed genuine.

β€œI’m just looking at the snow.”

β€œI thought you hated it.”

β€œI hate being in it but it is pretty.”

β€œOk.” He walked out the room and didn’t come back.

I went back to stare out the window but something caught my eye. There was something sticking out of my brother’s backpack. I couldn’t really tell what it was or why that thing had caught my eye so I ignored it.

I set my gaze back to the falling snow that was falling faster. I checked the weather and it said there would be a blizzard. Blizzards were probably the only thing worse than snow.

There was a knock on the door and my father walked in.Β 

β€œGet ready.”

β€œFor what?”

β€œWe’re going out.”

β€œBut there’s gonna be a blizzard and it’s still early..”

β€œI know but we got to spend some time together.”

β€œBut we did that yesterday with the sledding.”

β€œClaire just get ready.” I sighed and he walked out the room closing the door as he exited.Β 

There was no use in arguing after all it was really early.

***

We arrived in front of a small cafe. It was warm inside a pleasant escape from the snow. We were seated in a booth right next to another family. They had a small child maybe around 5 and a teenage boy that looked to be about Ryan’s age.

β€œOk, what do you guys want to eat?” Our mother was asking us to make sure we knew what to say when the waiter came around.

β€œJust a bagel and cream cheese.” Ryan always got the same thing everywhere we went.

β€œCream cheese is disgusting.” Our father commented. That was always something we could agree on. Cream cheese is nasty.

β€œDad’s right. Can I just get some coffee? I'm not really hungry.”

Mom shook her head, β€œClaire you have to eat something.”

β€œI know I’ll eat something later.”

β€œFine.”

β€œAre you guys ready to order?” Our waiter showed up with a pad and pencil in hand. We recited our orders again and he left. He looked like he was older than me but younger than Ryan.

We finished eating and headed back to the hotel.Β 

We were almost there when Ryan yelled, β€œRace ya.”

He had already been in front of me so he got a head start. It didn’t matter though because I had always been faster than him.Β 

β€œHow do you get a head start and still lose?” I laughed at him but he was a sore loser so he complained.

β€œYou cheated.”

β€œHow?”

β€œYou did, I don’t know how but you did.”

β€œYou know I did cheat but I’m not the one acting like a child. I understand that it might be hard to lose to someone younger than you but you have to accept defeat.” I was out of breath but that sentence came out surprisingly well.

β€œI refuse.”

β€œRefuse all you want I still won.”

***

I started talking to the boy who had been in the cafe earlier. I know you aren’t supposed to talk to strangers but this just sorta happened. I was looking out the window in the lobby hotel and he just started talking to me.

β€œWhatcha starin at?” He tried hard to sound friendly but you could tell he was annoyed.

β€œUm, I’m just looking at the snow. You know there’s supposed to be a blizzard?”

β€œYeah, I’m not gonna be able to go out during it though.”

β€œWhy do you sound disappointed?”

β€œI like going out during blizzards and snowstorms.”

β€œI’m sorry you like going out in the snow?”

β€œYeah and you don’t?”

β€œNo I don’t. I hate the snow.”

β€œAnd yet you’re here staring at it.” He walked away and left me in thought. I guess the unnamed boy has a point. Maybe I did like the snow just a little. I liked it enough to be constantly staring at it.Β 

Something flickered and it caught my eye so I went outside to see what it was. I was freezing but that’s probably because I went outside in a blizzard. It was a hassle to get to the frozen lake but I made it, eventually.Β 

It looked like a piece of gold had been frozen under the lake. It was small and hard to see but somehow I was able to see it. It kinda looked like the thing sticking out my brother’s bag. The thing I had forgotten about until now. I wanted to get closer but something told me not to. I usually listened to my gut whenever it told me that something could be dangerous but I didn’t care. Something about this object intrigued me so I tried to get closer.

I stepped onto the ice and felt the frozen ice beneath my feet. I had been wearing shoes but the frosty feeling of the ice lingered on my feet. I took another step closer to the shining object, careful not to crack the ice. I wouldn’t want to fall into the water when no one was there to help me.

Another step and I was in reach of the thing. The only problem was that this item had been underneath the layer of ice. I would have to break it somehow. I had tried so hard to avoid breaking the ice and here I was stomping on it to release something from its hold. I didn’t even know what it was but it just spoke to me.Β 

A forceful stomp caused the ice to break allowing me to grab the thing. I didn’t get to see what it was before all I could see was black. I felt water pierce my skin and out of instinct closed my eyes. It felt like a force had brought me down here. Like something was there with me on the lake.

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16 comments

Amany Sayed
20:45 Jan 17, 2021

Loved both parts of this story! The brother part is super relatable, even though mine is younger. It's a bit fast paced, but still enjoyable. Can't wait for the next part!

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Shayla Linden
21:36 Jan 27, 2021

From the comments this sounds like a continuation of another story and I haven't read the first part. But I was really confused who was talking at what time. When writing dialogue make sure to end with a comma instead of a period and then a dialogue tag that indicates who's talking. You can use punctuation at the end of dialogue if it's followed by an action. Other than that it's a good story so far can't wait to read the first and third installation.

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Amel Parvez
20:28 Jan 18, 2021

Amazing! Waiting for the next part. ☺

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Amel Parvez
01:40 Jan 19, 2021

Great!

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Lone Wolf
18:04 Jan 18, 2021

NO WAY! I just read your bio and we share the same birthday! SNOW FOREVER! And my previous favorite color was purple also! Coincidence? I think not!

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BIRTHDAY TWINS!!!! its like we were meant to be friends :)

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Lone Wolf
20:38 Jan 18, 2021

YA!

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Amara Tillington
18:46 Jan 17, 2021

Follow Account is your alter ego? I won't tell anyone... Oops. This story is on your page.

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Danny Glipo
09:09 Jan 17, 2021

Ohh I love cliffhangers, I've been reading more of them lately, I wonder what the thing was. Hope your having a good day :))

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thanks :) i actually know what the thing is (of course i would know its my story) but im still trying to figure out why she ended up in the lake.

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Danny Glipo
10:31 Jan 17, 2021

Ohh, will there be a part 2?

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part 3* this is part 2 of my story Lovely but yes this story will continue

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Danny Glipo
12:05 Jan 17, 2021

Ohh lol I was wondering why the title was a part 2, I don't think I've read the first part yet

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