7 comments

Dec 13, 2020

Crime Mystery

PLEASE FOLLOW ME AND PLEASE READ THIS STORY CARFULLY TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK THANK YOU!!! SO LETS GET INTO THIS STORY!!!

"are you guilty?" ask the judge in court,

I was sure I got the right person,

Hi, I'm anna, anna sparkles, and I'm a detective.

the judge asked him again," are you guilty",

" please read the article again" he said,

on November 29th, Dennis Willam,

was stabbed 5 times in the back,

said the article,

"Dennis was a police officer" I said interrupting,

"quiet!" she shouted.

He said he was sure the stabber was a male the had dark skin,

after the stabber was done he ran next door and demanded for water, as soon as he was done he disappeared into the darkness...

NOVEMBER 31ST 1999

As I was in my lab, studying the samples, the one the neighbors have gave me, as I studied the finger prints on the cup, I realized it was a thumb, we got some information from the neighbors that the suspect was a dark skin, male who was wearing a black sweater and

gray sweat pants, we also had 3 suspects, Will Jay, Cole Mints and Liam James, I got samples form all three of them, as I looked very carefully" bonk" I blacked out, As i woke up, I directly looked at the time "6:00" I read, I looked around to see if anything was missing, "oh no!" I shouted, I immediately ran to the phone, as dial the number on the phone my hands where sweating and shivering,

"hello?" he said, " where missing the simples!" I said, it was silent ,

" I will be there as fast as I can" he said ending the call, i was exhausted as I waited, I realized that I might have information in my computer, as I slowly sign in, the door burst open " anna, I'm here" he said, as i got into my computer, I looked around, " yes!" I said happily, " I still have all the information in my computer!" I shouted, we both looked relived, finally at nine o' clock, me and James figured out the simple of the thumb, it matched Liam James left thumb, before we left the lab I hid all the information and locked all the doors.

DECEMBER 3rd 1999

I planned court on December 5th James agreed to come, I was sure I got him! As I looked throw my lab desk I found a paper, " you will never find me" it said, " ha, I got you now" i said to myself, i throw the paper into the garbage, then I saw, "James?" i asked, he had something in his hand, " anna?" he asked, " what are you doing at this time its 3 am in the morning?" he said, " what are you doing?" i asked back, I knew he was the security here and the scientist, " I'm looking for more information" i said, looking at him, "go home get some rest" he said, as i got into my house I feed cookie my bunny, cookie is a free roam netherland dwarf, i loved her a lot, as i lay on my bed thinking about the note it did not look like his writing, it could change i thought, it kept spinning in my head, un-till i fell asleep. ring ring ring my phone rang i woke up to answer it, " anna, go to the lab now!" i heard James yell, I got ready and ran to the car, when I arrived, i saw james outside, i came running to him, " they want us to come right now!" he said i ran inside to grab my stuff, as I follow him there i saw other note " you got the wrong person" it said, " wait what?" ... my eyes where kept on the note not the way i was going 'crash' i blacked out again, " wher... re am I" i asked, " your in the hospital" i heard a voice say, i looked around to see James sitting down, " are you ok" he asked looking at me, " yeah, i guess" i said back, " wait, what about court?" i asked, " where going after you recover" he answered, i sighed, the close my eyes...

DECEMBER 15TH 1999

As i was getting ready for court, James said he'd pick me up, 'honk honk' i looked throw the window and ran down stairs, as i got inside his car, i realized i forgot the important paper " sorry james i forgot something" i said trying to open the doors, but he locked it " james?" i asked, " James open the doors" i told him, all i saw was a evil grin on his face, then... bonk i was hit on the head,

ugh... i woke on a chair i tide to the chair, " james?" i said, i saw to fingers come up to me, "well, well , well look who james brought, a mouse" said one of them, " yes sir" he said i was sure was james, " who are you?" i asked, " I'm the stabber" he said, " the one who almost killed the police officer" he said, " James? who could you?" i said, " and when you where blacked out james did everything to make you think it was Liam" he said, " anyway" he said, " bye anna" all i saw was a knife and all i felt was pain...

I woke up in the hospital again, "am I dead" i asked the lady next to me, she just shoot me a look, which might of mean yes, " who am I" i asked, i did not know who i was all I remembered was cookie, i went up in tears, " cookie, bring me cookie" i said, she looked confused, " cookie, bring a cookie" she said, " no, i mean cookie my bunny" I said, i cried even more, " coo..kie, coo..kie" I stuttered each word then i feel asleep... "anna, anna" she said, i never opened my eyes, and now I'm gone sorry Liam if you went to jail goodbye world... THE END

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7 comments

Hawwa Yusuf
17:48 Jan 03, 2021

please comment to give me feedback!!!

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Auspicious Echo
21:32 Jan 06, 2021

Hi! I liked the twist of the story and the plot was very interesting. As for feedback, I think the most important thing you can do right now is to use basic grammar. There are a lot of run on sentences, capitalization errors, vague wording, etc. that can make the story hard to understand. After that, you can focus on the other elements of the story, such as getting rid of excess details, add foreshadowing, and other stuff. That aside, I think that there is a lot of potential in your writing. You have good ideas and a willingness to write ...

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Hawwa Yusuf
23:12 Jan 07, 2021

thank you very much for your feedback I will try better next time!

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Auspicious Echo
21:37 Jan 06, 2021

Also side note that's not really important, but you don't have to put "by hawwa yusuf" since Reedsy automatically puts the "by [Insert Username]" after the title.

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Hawwa Yusuf
23:10 Jan 07, 2021

ok thank you!

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Hawwa Yusuf
01:48 Mar 06, 2021

thank you very much! will work on that!

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Ammaar Yusuf
00:19 Dec 14, 2020

great story!!!

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