Dec 07, 2020

Fiction Mystery Suspense

There are chocolates scattered over the marble tile. Each one is a perfect sphere dusted with fine cocoa powder, but several lie cracked on the floor, revealing peaks of caramel or rum truffle in the middle. DI Orson Blair halts halfway through the kitchen so as not to tread on a stray piece of chocolate and stops to take in the scene.

An engagement ring of white gold and diamond perches in a small black box, and the room was lit only by candles which have now burnt themselves out and are no more than puddles of wax. Under the unforgiving lights of the forensics team, the expensive delicacies on the floor are showing signs of melting. Dark splatters coat the wall behind the engagement ring box, glinting menacingly in the light. Whoever bought the chocolates and the ring was now either in a great deal of trouble or dead, and it was his duty to investigate.

He turns to the baker who had followed him in. Her name was Mrs. Hunyan, and she was the person who had called in 911. She was a small mousy-haired woman, who seemed as if she had never heard anything mean directed at her in her life.

“So, when did you come in this morning,” he asks her, eying her trembling form dubiously.

“Ar-ar-around 6:30 in the morning, be-be-before my staff came i-i-in.” She stammers, clutching her small handbag like it’ll protect her from whatever, or whoever did this.

“Right, and what did you first do?” Orson asks. Carefully avoiding the broken chocolates on the floor, he pulls out a notepad and a pen and looks expectantly at her. When she doesn’t answer, he gets slightly annoyed. This job is annoying enough without having to deal with these sorts of people. “Well?” He prompts gently, although he has a few choice words to say to her. If only that wouldn’t get him kicked off the police force.

“W-w-well, I turned on the l-l-lights, and c-c-came into the ki-ki-kitchen to start b-b-baking bread and s-s-saw this. I im-im-im-imediatly called 911, and d-d-didn’t do anything e-else.” She stammers even more, if that were even possible, and her gaze darts every which way. Sighing softly, Orson closes the notebook and tries to appear friendly and gentle.

“Did you notice anything was missing?” She quickly nods her head yes, again looking everywhere except at him. His gaze sharpens, and he stiffens. Finally, something he could get a lead on.

“Could you describe it for me?” She nods her head no so fast, the inspector expects her head to fly off. Exasperated, he rolls his eyes. “With all due respect, ma’am, how do you expect me to find whatever is missing if you can’t tell me what it is?” She trembles and firmly clamps her lips shut as if she was keeping secret missile plans or something. He snorts softly at that. Imagine if that was the case. “Ok then. Do you have any staff who I can question?” She nods.

“I h-h-have two as-as-asistants.”

“Good. Can you call them here?” She nods and walks out of the kitchen and into the front of the shop. Rolling his eyes so hard, he feels like his eyeballs will fall right out of their sockets, he steps over to the wall and runs his finger over the mysterious dark substance smeared all across it. Sniffing the blob he had collected on his finger, Orson experimentally sticks out his tongue and tastes it.

Dark chocolate sauce. As good as he remembers from when he was a little boy. The question is why is it here? He walks over to the far wall where the engagement ring box is. Slipping on gloves, he takes a magnifying glass out of his pocket and examines the ring. It was a simple and delicate engagement ring with diamonds placed into the white gold band itself. It was understated and minimalist in a classy way. Small splatters of that same dark chocolate sauce covered the top of the band.

Musing, Orson puts his magnifying glass back in his pocket. Lovers, then. The person who was proposing, a male most likely due to the height and arc of the chocolate sauce splatters, must have not gotten the reaction he’d wanted from his proposee.

“Excuse me?” A voice brings him out of his trance. He turns around. A young man is standing on the threshold of the kitchen, nervously taking in the scene.

“I have a few questions for you that I need answers to.”

“Ok, sir. I’ll try my best and answer them as well as I can.” Orson nods approvingly. This was much better. He pulls out his notepad and reads through the questions he’s prepared.

“First off, what’s your name, and what do you do for Mrs. Hunyan at the bakery?”

“Uh, my name is Aric Goede, and I keep Mrs. Hunyan’s financial affiars in order.” Orson scribbles that down.

“Where were you at 6am this morning?”

“Um, I was getting ready for work. I was at home, eating breakfast.” Orson looks at him.

“Do you live with anybody, someone who can confim your alibi?” Aric shook his head, a slightly guilty expression crossing his face. “Alright then, what was your relationship with your boss?” A fleeting expression crosses over Aric’s face at the question, gone so fast Orson isn’t quite certain he didn’t imagine it.

“A pretty good relationship. We didn’t argue about, um, anything.” Orson nods, jotting down notes. He asks a few more questions to Aric, then once he is satisfied with the answers, moves on to the other staff member, Jordan Ubrida, who was Mrs. Hunyan’s clerk. She gives the same answers as Aric did, and Orsen notes how she also flinches slightly at the question about her relationships with her boss, just like Aric. Strange, but not uncommon for most employees. 

Finishing up, he walks around the perimeter of the kitchen once more, but upon not finding anything of more interest, he gives up and lets the rest of the police and investigative team start clearing up the room.

***

The next day, Orsen realizes that he wasn’t able to fully complete a report on the missing thing, whatever it was, so he decides to head back over to the bakery to gather all the loose ends of the fairly boring case. The forensic team found out through DNA evidence that Mrs. Hunyan’s son, Aric, which Orsen thinks should have been one of the first things the man had told him when they had met, was proposing to his long-time girlfriend, Melanie Cord. She had told him, no, and he had gotten violent, throwing the table over and scattering all the chocolates laid around the kitchen.

In Orsen’s private opinion, the man had gotten a reaction he had deserved, having proposed in his mother's bakery kitchen, but of course, Orsen couldn’t very well say that out loud. But the only mystery was what ingredient went missing and why Mrs. Hunyan didn’t want to tell him.

Orsen walks into the bakery and rings the silver bell on the counter. He is surprised when he notices Mrs. Hunyan herself comes out to greet him, he thought that Jordon was her clerk.

“May I just do a little digging around the kitchen?” Orson swears he saw something that looked like fear cross her face, but she nodded and gestured him through to the kitchen. A woman enters the shop behind him, so Mrs. Hunyan moves away to help her out.

The kitchen was much cleaner than when he had entered it the day before. All the chocolate sauce had been wiped off the walls, and the stray chocolates had been cleared away. He assumes that the engagement ring was taken to the station as evidence, and moves toward the back of the room. Walking around, he is examining the pantry for anything suspicious when he notices red smears on the floor under the lip of the cabinet. Crouching down, he rubs his finger in it and studies it. It looks…like blood. Wary now, he tries to calm himself down. Maybe she cut herself and didn’t notice her blood had fallen? But how the hell could her blood have fallen? And under the counter, also. He walks over to the freezers and notes another smear of blood under the lip of the freezer. He dreads what he will find but opens the freezer door anyway.

“What the-!!!” Aric’s dead body slumps out of the freezer, the door no longer supporting the corpse. He dodges out of the way and watches in growing horror and disbelief as Jordon’s corpse falls out after Aric’s and onto the floor. He cautiously steps over the bodies, bile rising in his throat as he notices the gruesome way that they were killed. He peers into the now empty freezer and pulls out a black trash bag. Opening it up, he gasps as he takes in the ingredient that is now illegal to harvest and banned by the government.

The sound of a cocking gun makes him stiffen, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. He clutches the enormous bag of the illegal ingredient in his hand and slowly turns around with his hands raised.

“Hand over the bag.” Orson blinks in shock. The stammering mousy shopkeeper facade cracks like the chocolate shells under his feet. In her place is a scowling, confidant woman, although he can tell she’s never shot someone before, the way her finger keeps slipping on the trigger.

“It’s an even bigger crime than illegally harvesting this, you know.” He says casually, trying to coerce her into letting go of the gun. She laughs.

“And I suppose you’re going to let me off scot-free if I drop the gun? No chance, DI. Now hand it over, or I shoot.” He laughs harshly.

“Like you killed Jordon? Like you killed your own son? Why, Mrs. Hunyan? What did they know that you didn’t want them to?” He notices how her resolve shakes when he mentions her son and files it away for future reference.

“They were unfortunate enough to stand in my way. They wanted more money than I was willing to give them, and got greedy.” She snarls, taking a step closer. “Now hand me the bag or I swear I’ll shoot.” He shifts his weight, trying to distract her.

“If I may ask, what were you planning on doing with this?” He shakes the bag of the ingredient, and her eyes shoot to it almost hungrily.

“Why else does a poacher shoot an elephant for its ivory?” She says, almost mockingly. “For the money, of course. Do you know how much money that will go for?”

“No I don’t, but neither will you, because your illegal harvesting days are over.” Orson nods to the policeman behind her that he had paged while she was talking, and he forces the gun out of her hands and cuffs her hands behind her back.

***

Maysville Times

A Shocking Discovery in the Seemingly Innocent Baker’s Shop!

Mrs. Alice Hunyan (45) was arrested yesterday for the illegal harvest of ___ and the murders of Ms. Jordon Ubrida (23) and her son Aric Geode (26). She will be sentenced to a life sentence in the Woman’s Correctional Facility, and her shop will be held at auction this Saturday. Head to page 34 for an in-depth interview with DI Orson Blair, whose bravery and dedication in the field led him to the discovery of a lifetime!

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176 comments

12:47 Dec 07, 2020

I loved this a lot, but maybe in the first part try to have dialogue between him and his crew. Great Job!!!

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Nainika Gupta
14:33 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you! And yeah, I was feeling a teensy bit rushed writing this story and it might have reflected onto the story, but I'll definitely go in and add some dialogue! Thanks again :D

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14:45 Dec 07, 2020

You're so close!!!!!! You're doing great!!!

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Nainika Gupta
14:57 Dec 07, 2020

thank you!!! (and its all bc of you finishing all your prompts last week!!)

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15:03 Dec 07, 2020

Awwwww happy to inspire!!

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Nainika Gupta
15:18 Dec 07, 2020

:D

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Sid the Sloth
00:53 Dec 07, 2020

Wow! What a unique take on the prompt! I must admit, I was not expecting the two employees to be murdered by the baker. And I loved how you ended it with a newspaper clipping!! Awesome job :)

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Nainika Gupta
00:54 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate that. Yeah, if you can imagine, as I was writing the story, literal chills went down my back when I wrote in the dead bodies part :D

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Sid the Sloth
00:55 Dec 07, 2020

Haha, wow. That's awesome - well not in a morbid way ;) - but that you could immerse yourself that fully into your story...wow!!!

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Nainika Gupta
00:56 Dec 07, 2020

Aw, thank you so much!! Really appreciate your kind words.

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Sid the Sloth
00:56 Dec 07, 2020

You're most welcome.

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20:45 Dec 14, 2020

OMG YOU MADE IT INTO RAQUEL RODRIGUEZ'S BIO!!!!!! FAVE STORY OF THE WEEK IS WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!

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Nainika Gupta
20:51 Dec 14, 2020

I KNOW!!!!!!! SHE ASKED ME ABOUT IT AND I WAS LIKE 'OH THE HONOR' AHHHHHH I'M AMAZED!!!!!!!

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20:53 Dec 14, 2020

I DID IT IN FELICITY WILLIAMS AND I FELT THE SAME!!!!! ALSO CHECK MY BIO HEHEHEHEHE

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Nainika Gupta
20:54 Dec 14, 2020

I KNOWW!!! AND OKOKOKOKOKOK GOING NOW

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Nainika Gupta
20:55 Dec 14, 2020

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW LUKE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE I'M SO HAPPY - YOU'RE SUCH AN AMAZING REEDSY FRIEND

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21:05 Dec 14, 2020

Awwwwwwwwwwwww, you too!!! You're stories are amazing!!!!!

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20:55 Dec 14, 2020

...!!!

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Akshaya Sutrave
03:02 Dec 08, 2020

Hi Nainika! I loved they mystery and suspense you built up in your story! It was a great idea to use the prompt that way, and I felt as if I was reading a marvelous detective story. Great job!

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Nainika Gupta
13:02 Dec 08, 2020

Aw thank you so much!!! I really appreciate that!!

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Akshaya Sutrave
13:06 Dec 08, 2020

Welcome! And I must agree with you that the surest sign of life on other planets is that aliens haven't tried to contact us :)

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Nainika Gupta
13:26 Dec 08, 2020

Hahaha yeah, that's my one true belief in this crazy world!!

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Akshaya Sutrave
13:39 Dec 08, 2020

Yes exactly! 😂

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Roger Crane
02:20 Dec 20, 2020

Hi again, Nainika. I am glad to review your stories, as long as you want to be critiqued. I won't say anything but what will make you a better writer. Writing is work! And thoughtful study (mostly of good writing). Grammar and style first this time. Try to put your descriptive sentences (in fact, almost all) in an active way. Let me illustrate with the very first sentence. I would have written it this way: Chocolates lie scattered over the marble tile, most of them perfect spheres dusted with fine powder, but occasionally a broken one reveal...

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Nainika Gupta
03:45 Dec 20, 2020

Thank you so much again!! I'm striving to use these critiques as a way to better myself in the future, and I can't emphasize enough how much I appreciate the constructive criticism you so kindly reap upon me :) I'll take into consideration your tips, and better myself with more and more practice!!

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Roger Crane
21:06 Dec 20, 2020

Nainika, with your good attitude, I'm sure that you will speedily improve. Thinking back to my high school days, that's really just the beginning of thinking about these things having to do with expressing yourself; so don't feel at all that you are backward, although my critiques are unsparing. We all have to start somewhere. The desire itself is a driving factor to excellence. Let me give you another tip: always write with a dictionary on hand and always look up a word that you are not 100% sure of. For example, to "reap" is to take that ...

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Nainika Gupta
21:37 Dec 20, 2020

Thank you so much!! And happy holidays and happy new year to you as well!!!!!!!

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20:45 Dec 16, 2020

loved this story! only critique would be in the very last paragraph, when you said "the murders of Ms. Jordan Ubrida(23) and her son Aric Geode(26)" it might be a bit confusing if Aric was the son of Ms. Ubrida or Mrs. Alice, so you could make it a bit clearer. otherwise, a great story!

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Nainika Gupta
20:49 Dec 16, 2020

ahhh - thanks for the catch!!! I really appreciate that :)

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20:50 Dec 16, 2020

wanna do an upvote spree? :D

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Nainika Gupta
21:05 Dec 16, 2020

you got it XD

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Nainika Gupta
21:13 Dec 16, 2020

Hii! I got you up to 400+ !! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!

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21:14 Dec 16, 2020

omg tysmmmmmm for 400! YASSSSS :D

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Nainika Gupta
22:02 Dec 14, 2020

new thread!! oh thank you, I was getting a little annoyed at scrolling down lolll

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22:03 Dec 14, 2020

YOU TRIED TO RUN!!!!>!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!!?!?!!

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Nainika Gupta
22:03 Dec 14, 2020

ghAAAA yes. I did *evil smirk*

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Nainika Gupta
22:05 Dec 14, 2020

also.......... working on a new story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'll be awesome and funny :D my fav

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22:05 Dec 14, 2020

That's fine, I gtg anyway!! Adios!!!

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Nainika Gupta
22:07 Dec 14, 2020

ahah okie NICE COMMENTING WITH YOU!!!

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Writers Block
00:22 Dec 14, 2020

The beginning of the story made me hungry as it mentioned the sweets. Great alliteration? toward the middle. Good story line! The news flash at the end was a great touch.

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Nainika Gupta
01:02 Dec 14, 2020

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate that :D

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Writers Block
03:19 Dec 14, 2020

You are welcome

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Hey! The ending was surprising to me, and there was so much detail in the story. I felt like I was there watching the whole thing. Great job! Do you mind if I feature this story in my bio? :)

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Nainika Gupta
00:09 Dec 14, 2020

Thank you so much!!! That means a lot to me - I really appreciate your kind words :D and of COURSE!!! wow....thank you - i wouldn't mind at all!!

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No problem! I loved the first sentence and the part where you explain that there's chocolate on the floor. I always like a good murder story, so this was nice :) Thank you! Though it may not do much, the people who do look at my bio might check this story out :)

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Nainika Gupta
02:49 Dec 14, 2020

aww thank you!! and me too, a good murder always cheers me up ;D and any support is appreciated greatly!!!

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:) Same, I listen to murder podcasts and watch scary stuff all the time, but then I can't sleep at night lol. A good murder scene in a BOOK or STORY though... yes. Just... yes. :D

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✰ jennie ✰
16:55 Dec 08, 2020

I love how you ended with the Newspaper article! Really genius!! (and don't listen to litlover, he likes to be ninpicky)

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Nainika Gupta
17:04 Dec 08, 2020

Bwahahahah he's great with ideas :D and thank you!! Yeah, I didn't want to end it in a boring way especially with how I did end it with the murders and thought that a newspaper clipping would wrap it up nicely!!!

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Philip Alexander
22:33 Dec 15, 2020

So fun to read! Cool story..

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Nainika Gupta
22:34 Dec 15, 2020

Thank you so much :) I appreciate that a lot!!!!!

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San T.
17:01 Dec 15, 2020

Wow... You told a complete detective story in those 3000 words!! And what a tale. Amazing work!!

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Nainika Gupta
17:06 Dec 15, 2020

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate that!!

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Amarillis G
15:43 Dec 14, 2020

Great story. l loved the mystery and suspense. But, what is the mystery ingedient? I quess is something so mysterious that you cannot even write it.

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Nainika Gupta
15:47 Dec 14, 2020

oh yes - it is forbidden to write about such a mysterious ingredient..... ;D I wanted to keep it up to the reader's imagination to figure out the mysterious ingredient - I thought it would be more...interactive that way! But thank you so much!!! I really appreciate your kind words!!

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Mou Sukoshi
15:27 Dec 14, 2020

Great pacing. Liked it. :D

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Nainika Gupta
15:31 Dec 14, 2020

Thank you so much!!!

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Katie W.
14:30 Dec 08, 2020

I love this, Nainika! I am about your age, and I love reading work from other teenagers. It gives me an idea of where my writing should be :) I read your bio- my school just switched to remote learning. I wish we were in person. I am the yellow dot's biggest fan. :P This story is really interesting! I loved the characters, and I would love to read more of your stories in the future!

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Nainika Gupta
14:38 Dec 08, 2020

Thanks, Katie!! Yeah me too, and it also inspires me bc there are some really awesome stories out there! Remote learning sucks loll, and I honestly wish we were in person too. Thank you so much for the feedback!!! I can't wait to write more too :D

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Kate Reynolds
16:41 Dec 08, 2020

Wow! Great story! It was a really good mystery!!

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Nainika Gupta
16:42 Dec 08, 2020

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate that :D

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Kate Reynolds
16:43 Dec 08, 2020

Welcome!! :)

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