251 comments

Nov 30, 2020

Suspense Thriller

Second part of My mistake. Feedback please!


"No." I whisper. "No, no, no, no."

I didn't mean to. I swear, I didn't. It was an accident. Can killing someone be an accident?

I drop to the ground next to his body, but Iโ€™m too afraid to touch him.

He lays facedown on the ground, the blood-soaked glass still in his stomach. He's dead, I already know that. The blood is bright against his green shirt.

My stomach churns, and I back away, suddenly not wanting to be anywhere near him.

Then I hear a voice from outside.

โ€œRyan? Are you in here?โ€ Someone calls.

Itโ€™s Brandon.

I stagger to my feet, but slip, hitting the ground hard. I nearly throw up when I see the puddle of blood Iโ€™m sitting in. I push myself up, and run towards one of the dark hallways. I slip into the shadows as the door creaks open.ย 

I hear a scream, then feet pounding on the floor.ย 

โ€œNo!โ€

I bite my lip to keep from crying, and run down the hallway, and into one of the rooms. A rough, loud voice in my head screams one word over and over.

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

I clutch my head, but jerk my fingers away quickly, my eyes widening. Theyโ€™re wet and sticky, and I already know itโ€™s blood. Ryanโ€™s blood. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.ย 

This voice is right. I just killed my best friend. Because he didnโ€™t love me.ย 

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

What is wrong with me?

The room Iโ€™m in has big windows with long curtains. Itโ€™s empty otherwise.ย 

MURDERER. YOU KILLED HIM. FOR NO REASON.ย 

I did. Iโ€™m so, so stupid.ย 

NOW ALL YOUโ€™LL EVER BE IS A MURDERER.ย 

โ€œShut up.โ€ I snap.

I have to leave. Iโ€™ll get caught. Brandon will know itโ€™s me.ย 

NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULD JUST-

โ€œI said, shut up!โ€ I yell.ย 

Great. Now Iโ€™m talking to a voice in my head. Iโ€™m really going crazy.ย 

What do I do? I donโ€™t want to go to jail. But hiding will just make it worse. Right?

I hear footsteps coming down the hallway.

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€ Brandon demands, choking on tears. โ€œWho killed him?โ€ย 

I hold my breath, backing farther into the room.ย 

โ€œBlake? Is it you?โ€ He shouts. He sounds close. โ€œIf it was, I swear Iโ€™ll kill you.โ€

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

โ€œWhere are you? I heard you. You canโ€™t hide forever.โ€ He yells.

I freeze as he walks into the room. So does he. His face, which is wet from tears, hardens, and he snarls at me.

Iโ€™m not going to go to jail. Not without a fight.

I watch him as he walks closer. I put my hands up to show Iโ€™m unarmed, and he lunges at me. I move to the side, and he tumbles to the ground. I nearly laugh at how easy that was, but decide that since Iโ€™m still in danger, to wait until Iโ€™m safe.

I run out the door, and down the hallway. I can hear him coming after me.

I turn the corner. There are three different hallways. The one in the middle has a set of stairs. I take the stairs.

I run up them, ignoring the pain in my legs. This is a ridiculously long set of stairs. When I finally reach the next flight, I turn to see if Brandon is behind me.ย 

He is.

I look around the story Iโ€™m on. There are lots of long ropes, like the ones they had in the gym at school. They all lead to the ceiling, where thereโ€™s another landing.ย 

I can hear him coming closer. Making a split second decision, I grab onto one of the ropes, and start climbing. Let's hope P.E was good for something.

When Iโ€™m about halfway up, the rope starts to wobble. I look down, and see Brandon shaking it hard.

Joke's on him. This happened all the time in school.ย 

I keep climbing. When I look down again, I see heโ€™s climbing up a different one.ย ย 

I reach the top, and pull myself up. My whole body aches, but I manage to stand, and look around. The ground is dusty, and there are tools lying around. In the center, there is a tall metal box.ย There might be something I can use to stop him from...whatever heโ€™s going to do.ย 

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

I wince. I thought that was gone.ย ย 

I pry open the box, and freeze. There are a bunch of different weapons sitting inside of it. Why are these here?

WHATโ€™RE YOU GOING TO DO? KILL HIM TOO?

No. Of course not. I canโ€™t.

But that is a good question. Iโ€™m not sure what Iโ€™ll do. Even if I get away, heโ€™ll just tell the police.ย 

I step away from the box, worried about what Iโ€™ll do if I have one of the weapons in there. My head snaps up when I hear him. He got up here faster than I did.ย 

โ€œStop running.โ€ He yells, walking towards me. โ€œItโ€™s pointless.โ€

I back away, but hit the box. I glance inside. A short dagger sits on the top of the pile. I pick it up, but just if I have to use self-defense. Only self defense.

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you like me?โ€ I ask him. Yeah, Iโ€™m stalling. I still donโ€™t know what else to do.

He snorts. โ€œOther than the fact that you just killed my fiance?โ€

โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œWell, itโ€™s because you loved him.โ€

I blink. โ€œSeriously? Thatโ€™s it?โ€

โ€œI thought that heโ€™d leave me for you.โ€ He mutters, looking away. โ€œBut no need to worry about that now, is there?โ€

That makes me laugh. โ€œYou shouldnโ€™t have been worried about that.โ€

โ€œOh, really?โ€ย 

โ€œHe...told me he didnโ€™t love me. Just you.โ€

I spit the last word, understanding the jealousy he must feel.ย 

He frowns. โ€œAnd how would you know?โ€

I might as well tell him what happened. He canโ€™t hate me any more than he already does.

โ€œWell, about five minutes before you came, I kissed him.โ€

He freezes. โ€œI donโ€™t believe you.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t have to. But Ryan did want you to know that he kissed me back.โ€ I say with a smile.

Heโ€™s silent. Then he laughs. It sounds very forced. โ€œWhy would he? You just said he didn't like you.โ€

โ€œOkay. Donโ€™t believe me. I donโ€™t care.โ€ I shrug. โ€œBut how would I know that he tasted like strawberries?โ€

A second later, something flies at my head. I duck, then turn to see what it was.ย 

โ€œA hammer? Really-โ€

I get tackled, and nearly impale myself with the dagger on the way down. I kick at Brandon, but heโ€™s stronger than me, and pushes his knee into my back.

I smile. โ€œSo you do believe me?โ€

โ€œShut up!โ€ He growls. โ€œJust shut up!โ€

Iโ€™m scared out of my mind, but I try not to show it. โ€œAre you going to kill me?โ€

โ€œNo. I wonโ€™t sink to your lousy level.โ€ He mutters.

โ€œGreat.โ€ I mutter.ย 

YOU SHOULD JUST KILL HIM. HE KNOWS TOO MUCH ALREADY.

Should I? I donโ€™t know what to do.

โ€œYou know, Ryan never wouldโ€™ve loved you.โ€ He says with a laugh.

I frown. What is he doing? Doesnโ€™t he think I know that already?

โ€œYou say he kissed you back? It was probably out of pity.โ€

Is he trying to make me mad? Seriously?

โ€œHe never even cared about you.โ€

If he is, itโ€™s working.ย 

Somehow, I end up over him, the dagger at his throat. Heโ€™s pale, and looks terrified. He tries to push my wrist away, but somehow, Iโ€™m stronger.

YES. KILL HIM. HE DESERVES IT.

โ€œAre you going to kill me?โ€ He asks when I do nothing, a smug look on his face.ย 

I stay silent. Am I? Could I?

โ€œYou wonder why he didnโ€™t love you?โ€ He asks me. โ€œBecause he knew that youโ€™re nothing but a-โ€

I press the blade to his throat, and he stops talking.ย 

DO IT! NOW!

โ€œYou want to know something?โ€ I whisper.ย 

He doesnโ€™t answer. Heโ€™s scared again.

โ€œThe last thing Ryan said was that he loved me.โ€ I say. Not a total lie. I just didnโ€™t give him time to finish.

He tries to kick me, but I push the dagger on his skin. โ€œWhy would I believe you?โ€

KILL HIM. NOBODY WOULD EVER KNOW IT WAS YOU.

โ€œYou donโ€™t have to.โ€

โ€œYou wonโ€™t kill me.โ€ Brandon says. Heโ€™s awfully confident. โ€œYou wouldnโ€™t.โ€

โ€œShut up.โ€ I snap.

He laughs. I decide I hate his laugh. โ€œYouโ€™re too afraid-โ€

I shove the knife through his throat. His eyes widen, and his hand goes to his neck. Blood pours out of him, and I step away.

โ€œNo. No, no, no!โ€ I cry.ย 

What is wrong with me?ย I didn't want this!

I drop to my knees beside Brandons dying body, a laugh escaping. Iโ€™m safe, arenโ€™t I? I laugh, tears falling down my face. This is so messed up. Why is this happening?ย 

TOO LATE TO CHANGE IT NOW. YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THERE.

I stand up, and walk away from him. If I keep listening to this stupid voice, this wonโ€™t be the last person I kill.

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.





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251 comments

Ari Reynes
15:30 Dec 09, 2020

Here's a question, who would win in a fight, Percy Jackson, or Harry Potter?

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Ari Reynes
17:57 Dec 09, 2020

I feel like Percy would. He can actually fight, and the one spell Harry ever does might not work on Riptide.

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๐Ÿ˜† Lol,ur so right... Harry:expelliamus! Percy: umm dude Iโ€™m on Riptide.... Harry: oh. *crash* Harry needs to learn another spell.

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Ari Reynes
18:16 Dec 09, 2020

Right? Even if it did work, Riptide would just go back to Percy's pocket.

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Ari Reynes
18:28 Dec 09, 2020

Katniss or Percy?

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Woah. I'm so glad I came over here to read this. You have a way with words, the descriptiveness of the blood soaking his shirt, the chase, and wait what- RYAN WAS BRANDON'S FIANCEE? Woah. Wow. I'm speechless. I absolutely loved reading this. I know this is a part two, I I will totally check out part one, but this is...spectacular. Loved it!

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Ari Reynes
22:23 Dec 15, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you like it. This one is one of my favorites.

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Hi! I was looking through your bio, and we have a lot of things in common! I'm a Capricorn too! And Conan Gray is def one of my favorite singers. Mxmtoon is really good too. Also, if you like Conan Gray, try Melanie Martinez (if you don't already listen to her) I love all of her songs so much, and I think she's a really good singer. Oh, btw, I upvoted some of your comments since I saw some were at 0! :)

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Ari Reynes
16:19 Dec 14, 2020

I have listened to a lot of Melanie Martinez, but thank you for suggesting! Thanks for the upvotes!

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Oh, alright! Did you like her music? No problem, I hate those downvoters too.

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Ari Reynes
16:35 Dec 14, 2020

Yeah, my favorite song of hers is Mad Hatter. Unrelated question, what books do you like?

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Ooh, nice! Mine is 'Test Me' Uhm... I like School for Good and Evil Hunger Games The Lunar Series The Series of Unfortunate Events The Gone Series and more that I can't think of right now :P

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Ari Reynes
16:52 Dec 14, 2020

I haven't heard that one, I'll have to check it out. I like Hunger Games and Series of Unfortunate Events, too.

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17:30 Dec 07, 2020

Just as great as the first, maybe even better. I hope there's a third part -- I'd love to see how Ryan deals with everything after. I feel cruel, but Ryan's thoughts are making me laugh. :)

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Ari Reynes
17:32 Dec 07, 2020

Do you mean Blake? I'm glad you liked it. I'll probably do the third part next week, I don't think the prompts now will work for what I'm wanting to write. Glad you liked it!

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17:39 Dec 07, 2020

Oh, gosh, I don't know what I was thinking! I mixed up the names. Ugh, yes, I meant Blake. Sorry!

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Ari Reynes
17:39 Dec 07, 2020

No problem.

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Ari Reynes
23:02 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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F. A.
11:26 Dec 07, 2020

A story full of thrillers and suspense. Very well written! One second the character's heart beats, and the other second, it doesn't.

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Ari Reynes
15:43 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

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F. A.
16:18 Dec 07, 2020

Would you mind reading my story, "Broken Heart"?

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F. A.
16:20 Dec 07, 2020

It would be awesome if you gave me feedback!

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Ari Reynes
16:24 Dec 07, 2020

Of course!

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Liana S
06:28 Dec 07, 2020

Just like the first this story was absolutely amazing, even better. Though Ryan killed two people I still love him. Reading his inner thoughts made me giggle. Love this story. Awesome work!

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Ari Reynes
15:41 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you!

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Elliot Thomas
23:40 Dec 05, 2020

I sincerely hope there will be a third part because I love this. So interesting. Moyder is my favourite pastime. Unrelated, but I love your taste in music. Couldn't help but notice my boi Cavetown over there :) Do you take music recommendations??

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Ari Reynes
01:24 Dec 06, 2020

I'm glad you liked it! I'll try to do a third part. And I do take recommendations.

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Elliot Thomas
19:27 Dec 06, 2020

Mxmtoon sounds right up your alley. I'm sure you've heard Prom Dress by her, but she has so many other good songs. She also has a podcast. You might be into some of Twenty One Pilots old stuff. The fandom can be a little judgey sometimes, though. I recommend The Happy Fits to everyone because it's the only band I know that's fronted by a cello wielding maniac. They are three really chill dudes with amazing musical talent. Those are just my top three right now, not including Cavetown. If you want specific songs or anything else, just hit...

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Ari Reynes
19:29 Dec 06, 2020

I'll listen to Mxmtoon. I do like twenty one pilots, though I've only heard a few of their songs. I haven't heard Happy Fits, but I'll check it out. Thanks!

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Elliot Thomas
20:20 Dec 06, 2020

No problem :)

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Ari Reynes
23:02 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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Ari Reynes
19:31 Jan 11, 2021

I'm responding to this pretty late, but I listened to the artists you recommenced. I like She wants me (to be loved) and Heart of a Dancer from Happy fits, and Unspoken words from Mxmtoon. Thanks again for the recommendations!

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Night Fall
17:56 Dec 05, 2020

Plot very intriguing Story too short! There better be a part three!!!

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Ari Reynes
22:18 Dec 05, 2020

I'll try! Glad you liked it!

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Ari Reynes
23:02 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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Nainika Gupta
14:33 Dec 01, 2020

Hello!! This was a great second part!! It was beautifully written, just one thing I noticed - it's not too nit-picky, but you spelled 'murderer' as 'MURDEDER' - and it's not too big a deal bc I'm sure you just copied and pasted the word multiple times :) just wanted to let you know!! Also, I love how the voice in his head was his 'excuse' for killing! Darkly beautiful (my cup o'teal!!)

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Ari Reynes
14:49 Dec 01, 2020

Thank you! I didn't see that. I'm glad you like it!

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Nainika Gupta
14:59 Dec 01, 2020

Of course!!

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Nainika Gupta
16:44 Dec 15, 2020

Hi!! TEDDY LUPIN FROM HARRY POTTER - REMUS AND TONK'S SON!!!

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Ari Reynes
17:41 Dec 15, 2020

You got it!

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Wirda Bibi
11:59 Dec 21, 2020

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ari Reynes
16:15 Dec 21, 2020

XD

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Avis Litian
19:14 Dec 16, 2020

This is a really cool story. The internal struggle you put through Blake's mind is really intense. I felt like I was connected to the characters. Really enjoyed it.

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Ari Reynes
19:17 Dec 16, 2020

I'm glad you liked it! I'm working on the third part now.

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Avis Litian
19:19 Dec 16, 2020

Sweet! Well, I got to go find part one now. XD

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Minty -
14:47 Dec 11, 2020

Wow, just wow. Amazing this, like for real. He only needs to kill one more, and then he is a serial killer. But I loved this. :)

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Ari Reynes
15:01 Dec 11, 2020

Thank you!

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Minty -
16:12 Dec 11, 2020

No problem, if I was you I would make a book. and if you do it let me know!! <3

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Ari Reynes
16:14 Dec 11, 2020

Okay. Thanks again!

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Ari Reynes
23:03 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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Radhika Diksha
14:32 Dec 11, 2020

We want a sequel! we want a sequel! Thrilling and full of suspense. I want the story to continue. I have seen you have liked some of my stories, I would love your feedback on some of them. Keep writing.

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Ari Reynes
15:01 Dec 11, 2020

I'll try this week. I'm glad you liked it! And I'll check them out.

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Ari Reynes
23:03 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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Radhika Diksha
02:01 Dec 17, 2020

sure i will read it soon.

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Radhika Diksha
02:01 Dec 17, 2020

sure i will read it soon.

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Radhika Diksha
02:01 Dec 17, 2020

sure i will read it soon.

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Night Fall
21:01 Dec 10, 2020

Your name is from Harry Potter right? One of Ronโ€™s brothers?

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Ari Reynes
21:04 Dec 10, 2020

You got it.

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Cassandra Durnin
18:37 Dec 10, 2020

Very well written and eloquent, which I can dig. Also, is your name from the Maze Runner, by chance? If so, youโ€™re my favorite character! If not, I highly suggest the โ€˜Maze Runnerโ€™ series by James Dashner.

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Ari Reynes
18:39 Dec 10, 2020

Thank you! Yes, I am. Minho is my favorite too. What other books do you like?

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Cassandra Durnin
20:15 Dec 10, 2020

Itโ€™s not too well known, but I am absolutely in love with Melissa Albertโ€™s โ€˜The Hazel Woodโ€™. Itโ€™s deliciously dark and so well-written, and thatโ€™s right up my alley. What about you?

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Ari Reynes
20:26 Dec 10, 2020

I've never heard of it. I'll check it out. My favorite books are They both die at the end, and Felix ever after. I also like Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Divergent, Hunger games, and Unwind.

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Fearless Fox
19:07 Dec 08, 2020

WOW! This is amazing!

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Ari Reynes
22:00 Dec 08, 2020

Thank you!

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Wow, this was extremely intriguing! Really good job, I can't believe he killed Brandon. I'm beginning to think that I'm just always surprised when someone dies...

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Ari Reynes
19:26 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

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Lucas Zhou
22:19 Dec 06, 2020

how many people is he going to kill? amazing story btw would love to see if there will be a third part!

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Ari Reynes
15:38 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you! I'll probably do a third part, but probably next week. Glad you liked it!

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Lucas Zhou
22:06 Dec 07, 2020

:)

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Ari Reynes
23:03 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

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Night Fall
05:02 Dec 06, 2020

Hurry with the third story I'm kinda dying here man!

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Ari Reynes
16:05 Dec 08, 2020

I don't know if I'll do it this week, I don't really like the prompts. Probably next week, though.

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