8 comments

Nov 11, 2020

Crime Thriller

It's 6pm. I'm walking down the alley from school when I see a familiar red liquid on the street. I look farther down the street and see that there's a lot more of this red liquid leading to the end of the alleyway. It couldn't be. Could it? This isn't one of the best neighborhoods, but still, it couldn't. No. I reach down and touch the liquid. It doesn't feel like paint, so it has to be it. I have to run! I have to go get help! But I can't move. I'm paralyzed. What the hell is wrong with me?! The killer could still be around and see me. That's when I hear the most horrifying scream I have heard in my whole life. It was so loud that I could nearly feel the sensation of my ears bleeding. The person is still alive. I have to do something but what. Maybe I can stop the killer before he makes the finishing move. Yes, I have to do that. The scream came from the end, so that must be where the victim is. I get up and run straight toward the end of the alleyway with all the courage I can muster. While I run, I can feel the rust-like smell of blood getting stronger and stronger. As I reach the end of the alley, my feet come to a halt at what I see. The victim is bleeding out and missing all its limbs. It was one of the most horrendous sights I have seen. So much blood. Too much blood. I nearly fainted but tried my best to stay on my feet, and that's when I saw the direction the person was looking in. I turned to the side following the direction of his eyes, and I saw it, well I saw him, the murderer with a hammer swinging down to the victim's head with all his might. Before he can finish, I yell at the top of my lungs. "Stooooop!" But the killer just turns his head towards me with a creepy smile showing all his teeth and finishes the move. As the hammer hit the person's head, I heard it. The crack. The crack of his skull. At the sound, I shrieked and started fainting. As my eyes began to close, the murder ran and disappeared into the shadows.

   I woke up the next morning in a familiar bed, but I wasn't too sure. I started to look around the room I'm in and immediately recognized it. But how? Last thing I remember I was in an alleyway near my school, so how. How can I be in the middle of my bedroom, sleeping in my bed?! I feel a little groggy, but that's all. My vision is perfect, so it can't be my eyes fooling me. That means I'm really in my bed, but how did I get here, or a better question is WHO got me here. I couldn't have walked here after I fainted. Yeah, right! I fainted, and that means I couldn't even stand up much less walk a whole half a mile. Why did I faint again, though? I think I saw something scary, but I can't quite put my finger on it. What was it again? Oh, yeah. Now I remember I was walking down the alleyway and witnessed a murder. What a peculiar situation, huh. That's when it hit me. I saw someone get murdered! I'm the prime witness to a real-life murder, and what's more, the killer saw my face, so now he knows who I am! I have to get out of here! I have to go to the police! I got out of bed and ran straight to my apartment's door, down the stairs, and to the police station. Halfway down the way to the station, I notice that for some weird reason, I was in my PJs. They were light pink with white flowers. They were my favorite PJs. My brother had given them to me for my 15th birthday this year. I wondered how I had gotten them on but decided that it was better to concentrate on the mission ahead. When I got to the station, they got ready to go in the direction I told them and told me to stay there, but after a while, I convinced them to let me go with them as I could guide them better. When we arrived, I was shocked at what I saw. Everything was normal! And one could even say cleaner than before. There was no blood on the street, nor the hammer, nor the dead body. Everything was as if nothing had happened. The police officers decided to look around the area to see if they could find anything but the search was to no avail. Nothing was found. After some time, they came to the conclusion that it was all a nightmare and that nothing had happened. Everyone believed the story and continued with their lives. Heck, I almost believed it too. It made total sense. I had a too realistic nightmare and had woken up thinking it was real. It explained everything, why the zone didn't have anything suspicious, why I woke up in my bed, and why I had my PJs on, but there was something off. It all seemed too real. Too real to be any kind of nightmare. I could still hear the person's terrifying scream and its messed up body in the back of my mind. 

  It has been some days since the incident. Nothing had been found, and everything seemed as good as ever. Everyone had told me just to forget about it, that it was just a dream, and I did, or at least I tried to, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched out of the back of my mind. My brother was staying with me for a few days, so I would feel safe, but as I entered the apartment I didn't see him there. I guessed he was probably in my apartment's garage on the floor below doing whatever study or something he said he was doing. He was one of the most loving brothers in the world. I couldn't have asked for a more dotting brother, so I decided to make him and snack and take it to him in the garage. I had lent the garage to him since I didn't really use it because I didn't have a car, and my apartment was big enough for storage. When I finished, I went down to the garage on the floor below it and opened the door. "Thump." I had dropped the tray with the snack on the floor, but considering the situation, it was a pretty reasonable thing to do. In front of me was my brother putting a dead body really similar to the body of the victim that I saw get killed in a trash bag."Brother.............what are you doing?" I said nearly above a whisper, but he heard me and turned to face me. His face. It was exactly like my brother's, but it couldn't be. My brother didn't have such a creepy smile like the man in front of me nor was he a murderer. "Eva. Oh, my dear Eva. What a shame you have found your big brother's secret atlas." He said while looking at me with a smiling sad face. "Brother, no! You can't be. You said you needed the garage for a study for college. Why? Why do this? We were happy." I said while the tears of realization ran down my face. He looked at the floor for a moment suddenly interested in his feet, and then looked back at me again. "That's it, Eva. That's why I did this. You think that everyone is happy when you are happy, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Haven't you ever stopped to think about how others were feeling? Haven't you ever stopped to think about how I was feeling? You should have seen this coming. I have given you a thousand hints, but you're always wrapped up in YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD to notice anybody else. Not even your own brother." He yelled at me while he was packing up the body. Suddenly more tears started to come out. I caused this. I caused all this suffering. Suddenly all the memories of when he tried to hint me to his problems came at me, but I was to focused on my own useless problems to even notice all of his. "I'm sorry brother. We can start again. I promise I won't tell anyone. We can move somewhere far away from here. You just have to stop killing people, and everything can go back to normal. I promise I'll change, so please just stop." I say while tears are still coming out of my eyes in waves of regret and sorrow. "You see, Eva, that's the problem you'll never change. No one ever changes. That is just a lie people tell themselves. There's no normal either I was always like this, but at that time, I still hadn't found myself yet. I wasn't planning on killing you, though. I was planning on having a happy life with you in the day while killing people in the night, but you have ruined it." He says as he gets a gun and aims it at me. "Elijah, no. I know there's still hope. We can still be together". I say as my legs weaken, and I fall to the floor, fear cursing through my veins. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to kill you. I got you home after you fainted and prayed that you would think it was a dream but, you wouldn't. You kept nagging at it even after the police gave up on it, and now you have found the truth, and that will be your doom." Elijah said as he started to pull the trigger. "I'm sorry, but this must be done. Love ya." Then he pulled the trigger, and I felt a breath-stopping pain. He had shot my heart, and my head was starting to feel groggy because of all the blood that was coming out, but before I drew in my last breath, I managed to say the words I needed to say the most. "I'm sorry, Elijah. I do and will always love you." I knew that I was the cause of this, and I had decided to own up to it.

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8 comments

Frances Reine
17:14 Jan 03, 2021

I enjoyed this one but I think the paragraphs could be broken off a little bit. I think it'll make it easier on the eyes but either than that I loved this one!

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Black Raven
20:14 Jan 03, 2021

Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoyed it and yeah I should have broken them up a little more.

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Frances Reine
21:47 Jan 03, 2021

Sure! No problem! :)

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Rose Buckingham
23:13 Nov 18, 2020

Congrats on your first story! Couple of things - make sure you stick with one tense throughout, mostly you've written it in past tense, but you start in present: "I'm walking down the alley". At the start you mention the "familiar red liquid" as if she has come across a lot of blood pouring down the street before - it would be cool to find out why it's familiar to her, what she's experienced in the past. I like the twist that it's her brother.

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Black Raven
02:07 Nov 19, 2020

Thanks a lot. I actually wrote this story as I went, so it's a little bit all over the place and missing some main things. Your feedback's really going to help make my next story better, though. I really like it when people give honest feedback.

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Mustang Patty
18:29 Nov 17, 2020

Hi there, Thank you for sharing your response to the prompt. I think you did a good job. The important elements of a good story were lacking though. While the story was told in the first person, you were still missing a strong description of the main character, a setting, and a clear definition of the problem. You may want to consult a good style guide - this will help with writing conventions. Additionally, I write a blog regarding writing technique called, Mustang Patty Talks Writing - www.mustangpatty1029.com Keep writing, ...

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Black Raven
02:13 Nov 19, 2020

Thanks for the feedback. It's really helpful. I wrote this story as I went, so I know is a little bit all over the place, but now with your feedback, I know what to avoid in my next short story. Thanks, I love it when people give honest, elaborate feedback on my work.

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Mustang Patty
09:07 Nov 19, 2020

You are more than welcome - KEEP WRITING - you have a unique voice.

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