The Bachelor: Season 492

Submitted for Contest #66 in response to: Write about a contest with life or death stakes.... view prompt


Nov 07, 2020

Funny Horror

“Ladies, it’s time,” said Chris Harrison, his voice satin (much like his designer suit). 

The twenty-five women in the room nodded.

“It was nice meeting you,” Christie said to Rebecca, wrapping her arms around her new friend.

Across the room, Kristine and Hannah similarly embraced.

“I’ll let your parents know,” Maddie whispered to Charlotte, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “If, you know, it happens.”

“I’ll do the same, of course,” said Charlotte.

After much hugging and squeezing of hands, the twenty-five women followed the producers into the next room. 

A makeup artist grabbed Chandra to brush on another layer of foundation.

A hair stylist sprayed more hairspray over Victoria’s long curls.

An hour later, when the women had been shuffled and pushed and jostled into the right positions, Chris Harrison stepped to the front of the Rose Ceremony room. 

A gaffer fixed an angle of a light.

The camera lights blinked red.

“As you know, it’s the Rose Ceremony,” said Chris Harrison in a voice smoother than spiced rum. “Fifteen of you will be moving on, and ten of you will...not.”

The women sniffed.

“And now, Chad.” He gestured to the door at the back of the room.

The twenty-five women sighed as Chad Chaddington ambled in, dressed in a crisp gray suit. His blue eyes pierced every woman with a depth that caused their hearts to flutter and, in some cases, stop altogether.

Andi fainted, and it took half an hour to start filming again.

“Chad,” said Chris Harrison, pointing at the small table of roses sitting to Chad’s left. “It’s time.”

Chad picked up a rose and stared at the women in front of him with those ocean eyes. He cocked an eyebrow at a producer, who hurried over.

“Cut!” called the director.

“Who’s that?” Chad whispered to the producer, pointing at the women.

The producer squinted. “Who?”

“The tall one, with the long legs.”

“Ah. Hannah.”

The producer jogged back to the director’s side.

“Action!” barked the director.

“Hannah,” said Chad in a low voice.

Hannah gasped and stumbled toward the front, clutching her red dress. 

“Will you accept this rose?”

Chad shoved the flower into Hannah’s hands.

“Anything for you, Chad!” she said breathlessly, ignoring the thorn that had stabbed her thumb.

“Good,” he said, before pushing her back toward the women. Hannah’s breath caught in her throat at his touch.

Silence settled over the room once more as Chad snatched a second rose from the table. 

“Margot,” said Chad.

Margot swallowed back a joyful sob and drifted over to Chad, locking eyes with his.

“Will you accept this rose?”

“Of course.” She pressed her nose into the petals and inhaled deeply.

“Smell good?” asked Chad in a bored voice.

“It could never smell as good as you.” She fluttered her eyelids.

“I know,” said Chad, rolling his eyes. He pointed to the rest of the women. “You can go back now.”

Margot rejoined her friends, still sniffing her flower.

Twelve roses later, Chad stood clutching the last. The silence was so loud, the women heard ringing in their ears.


The room exploded in cries and sobs.

“Chad, pick me!”

“Chad, please! I love you!”

Chad held up his hands and the women immediately quieted as Kendra floated over to him.

“Kendra, will you accept this rose?”

“Without a doubt,” she said dreamily. She took the rose and returned to her spot in the lineup, ignoring the sniffling around her.

Chris Harrison walked forward and stood next to the Bachelor.

“Ladies, you know what that means. Please take a moment to say your goodbyes.”

The women lacking in roses embraced like they had at the beginning of the night, crying in each other’s arms. 

“I can’t believe he didn’t pick me!”

“He was the one, I know it!”

Chad cleared his throat and the women all turned toward him.

“Can we get on with it?” he said, yawning.

“Charlotte,” said Chris Harrison. “You have not received a rose. Please step forward to say goodbye to Chad.”

Charlotte squeezed Maddie’s arm and walked up to Chad, her chin held high.

“I’ll always love you,” she whispered.

“Uh huh,” said Chad. He stared into her eyes before pulling a long knife from within his jacket and stabbing her in the chest.

Blood spurted from the wound, staining his white shirt red, before she fell to the floor with a loud THUMP. Her body twitched and jerked until it stilled entirely, blood pooling below her.

“Now that makes for good television!” said one producer to another, raising his voice to be heard over Maddie’s screams.

“Get in there!” the director whispered furiously to the production assistants. They ran into the set and lugged Maddie’s body out of the room, careful not to touch Chad. They’d probably be fired on the spot if they made contact with the Bachelor.

Nine more women met their ends at the hands of Chad Chaddington. The women with roses smiled at each other, shoving their noses into the flowers. The production assistants piled the bodies in a corner of the Bachelor Mansion, to be discarded the next day.

When the last woman's body had been hauled out of the room, Chris Harrison spoke again.

“Welcome to the next round, ladies!”

The fifteen remaining women cheered as a producer handed Chad a champagne bottle. He popped the cork (which flew and hit Andi in the head, causing her to pass out a second time, which no one noticed in the commotion) and sprayed the exploding champagne over his fifteen chosen women.

“Right, I need to go take a shower,” said Chad, nodding at his blood-soaked clothes.

“Take me with me you!”

“Don’t leave, Chad, don’t leave us!”

Chad waved away the chorus of desperation and coughed before walking out of the room.

“Come back!”

“We need you!”

“Ladies, ladies!” called Chris Harrison, flashing his dazzling teeth. “You’ll get your chance!”

The producers escorted the sobbing women from the Rose Ceremony as the production assistants began mopping the blood off the floor.

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Leilani Lane
17:38 Nov 07, 2020

I've been watching too much of the Bachelorette (which I hate but can't stop watching) + horror movies (which I love and want to watch more of).


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Regina Perry
05:45 Nov 09, 2020

I was kind of expecting something like that happening, (because of the line about letting parents know) but I still gasped aloud when Chad stabbed the first woman. You did a very good job turning something commonplace into something horrifyingly WRONG in a single moment.


Leilani Lane
01:06 Nov 12, 2020

Thank you!! Definitely just watching wayyy too much of The Bachelorette... XD


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Lina Ozz
04:31 Nov 12, 2020

Chad Chaddington. Haha. Hahahahaha. BAHAHAHAHA I'm crying. This piece is freaking hilarious and if this isn't a spoof produced on the big screen in my lifetime I will lost my shit. No notes! I love everything about this. Please excuse me while I read it over and over again and laugh maniacally.


Leilani Lane
22:50 Nov 18, 2020

Thank you so much, Lina!!!! This was such a rush job, more of a joke than anything, but I'm actually happy with how it turned out XD Not as good as your vampire satire!!


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Molly Leasure
20:18 Nov 10, 2020

Is it bad that I laughed SO HARD when he stabbed her? Probably...this story is priceless. I love the dramatic desperation and I love the all too realistic emotionless man. (Like do these guys know how bored they sound sometimes? Cause honestly...) And that line, "Now that makes for good television," just took me out. God. If that's not the truth, I don't know what is. People love watching other people suffering. Competitions are too fun for that reason. (I'm not saying I'm not included in this, of course I am!) One thing: "'Take me with m...


Leilani Lane
01:08 Nov 12, 2020

Haha no I'm so glad you laughed!! XD It's like so true though, I'm not sure if you watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette but it's SO annoying (maybe that's why it's so addicting??), it's so scripted yet also dumb.... god. OH MY GOSH I'M SO ANNOYED WITH THAT MISTAKE. We'll say she's... Mario? Thank you for turning my dumb mistake into a funny comment :DD


Molly Leasure
22:13 Nov 13, 2020

I haven't watched those two shows in particular, but I've definitely watched other shows that are similar (like Love Island, big yikes). It very well might be. xD Something about the drama is just so addicting...darnit. But then we can feel better because we're not dumb and desperate, yay us! I often feel like that's the goal of those shows, haha. HAHA Mario it is. She can be Mario and he can be Luigi Luigiton...or WALUIGITON


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The last sentence is what scares me most, because of the normalcy applied to the events.


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