How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps

Submitted for Contest #65 in response to: Write about a vampire or werewolf who moves into a quiet suburban neighborhood.... view prompt

15 comments

Oct 30, 2020

Funny Creative Nonfiction Fantasy

[Transcript Start]


Hello audio listeners, and thank you for tuning into this week's ‘How to Be Your Best Vampire’ Podcast episode #334 titled, ‘How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps’. As always, I'm your host, Drakka Bababooginski.


Before we begin, I bring to you a word from our sponsors:


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The new product from Vamp Industries. Developed to quench even the most overbearing of cravings. Designed with cutting edge technology with the everyday vampire in mind, Faux-tosynthesis gives your body exactly what it needs without the messy clean-up and angry mob afterward. Rich with plasma replacers, White T blood cells, and plant-based platelets, Faux-tosynthesis gives you everything you crave, with all the same great taste you are used to. 


With flavors like Obese Fatty Triglycerite Male, Green Tea Detox Female, and of course; original--you are sure to find what you need!


Faux-tosynthesis; because, 'blood, it’s what we’re made of'.”


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And without further adieu, let’s get right into the meat of our topic, ‘How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps’.


Step One: You’re going to want to move into a moderately populated living area. One where there are at least 890 people per square mile. 


These suburban areas can often be found in the outer regions of more densely populated regions. You want this density number to be in the rage of up to at the most only 1,000 people per square mile. Anything higher, and you risk detection simply by statistical chance, and going lower than about 500 would paint a bright red glowing neon sign on your back. 


Another benefit of these suburban areas is the proximity to nearby city centers which are easily more densely populated areas. As a general rule, it is true we avoid making residency in these types of areas, however, it is not out of the scope of possibilities that we would, from time to time, venture in on occasion for a fancy night on the town, if you will, for some cuisine dining. Maybe sink our teeth into a little fusion culture. Just be sure to dress to the nines and disinfect those fangs!


Take my suburbs, for example, I get out quite often and feed on a daily basis. Roughly in the 900 people per square mile range, no one is the wiser when I decide to grab a drink and indulge in the local flavors.


Quiet, and quaint, my neighborhood is not overly dense, meaning I don't have to fight the constant inconvenience of prying eyes.


Step Two: Narrow the range of age groups you are willing to feed to between 15 and 19, and 27 and 86. 


Whereas I understand the implications of so drastically narrowing down the options for feeding--and there are plenty, great benefits to feasting on the prime oil pumping through the tender veins of pre-teen adolescent or tapping the aged to perfection rosé of a 95-year-old war-veteran; these age groups pose the greatest threat to our detection in most human circles. 


I’ll explain--But first, a word from another one of our sponsors:


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Why don’t you give us a visit at hangininthedark.com, and see just what you’ve been missing lurking in the dark!"


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Now, I know that it may seem moot and rather inconvenient to focus our target range of age on a couple of very defined and somewhat narrow windows. The reason you wouldn’t want to spend much time feasting on blood in the range of newborn to 14, is because of the heightened involvement of so many others in their lives. Oftentimes they are centers of discussion, observation, and affection. A child goes missing between the ages of 1 and 14, the ethos of an entire nation is brought to its knees, and that brings publicity we as night dwellers want to avoid at all costs. 


Between the ages of 15 and 18, it is never out of the question that possibly in a fit of teen angst, they just decided one day to cut and dye their hair, change their name, and bus hop all the way to LA to pursue their dreams of becoming the next big thing, where they fade into the abyss of lost and forgotten things and the memory of discarded by their liberated parents. 


When you’re between the ages of 19 and 27 the focal point of society's attention is again retrained on you. As hopeful, aspiring, motivated, inventive, driven, groundbreaking young men and women, they are being watched very carefully for what next big idea will rise out of that particular time frame within a generation. An up and coming youth that had everything going for them suddenly ripped from existence--that is surely a recipe for nothing but a life of regret and shame for the poor sap of a vampire that decided to indulge in such horrid taste. 


By the time the young adult reaches that age of 27, they have fallen off the grid and into complete obscurity (that is if they haven’t invented the next billion-dollar tech enterprise). They’ve been set in their place, as a game piece would, in a game of chess. A mere pawn that can be removed from the game board with little to no consequence. This phase of human life, unfortunately for the human, lasts until the ripe old age of about 86, where we vampires again want to take precautions before engaging in a little guilty pleasure indulging. 


Once a human reaches the years following their 86th, people recognize them again for their service to society. They marvel at their unbroken spirits and age-old wisdom. Their will to live on and frankly, not die. Many are moved to facilities where they are taken care of and watched nearly 24/7. Others are sporadically visited upon by unannounced guests bearing hand-wrapped gifts and baked pies and cookies and a varied assortment of unimportant trinkets, just “because”.  


An admiration returns in their favor, and we mustn't be caught tripping up in all that spotlight and attention. 


And step #3: Walk the middle path when politics are involved. Talk too much about it and garnish the unwanted attention of political foe. Talk to little, and you’re actions henceforth are dissected and scrutinized into sheer oblivion. 


There are a few simple--yet effective tricks that will greatly aid your quest to walk the middle path and perry the pitfalls of political overtalk and/or political radiosilence, and risk being found out--but first, let’s hear from one more sponsor:


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“Can’t get it up, huh? No matter how desperately you try and try and try it always ends in failure? You’ve tried sucking harder, faster, and longer but are inevitably let down when you’re ultimately unable to get anything to come up? Well, you’re not alone, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed.


This condition affects 7 out of every 15 vampires and can be treated fairly easily--with Vamphyrixeliananana.


Derived from proteins extracted from the common bed bug that aides this little biter in the feeding process, this potent formula helps your natural vasodilator and anticoagulant secretions delivered from your fangs, to allow continuous blood flow, free of clogs or a lack of dilated vessels.


So what are you waiting for? Get it up again, like it's the 18th century--with Vamphyrixeliananana!


We promise it’s guaranteed to suck--or your money back!”


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Remember, if you are enjoying this podcast and want to see us able to continue to bring you this great content, please make sure to like this video and subscribe. Leave a comment with your thoughts on these steps and let us know if you’ve come up with some others, we always love to hear your thoughts and feedback!

 Alright, now back to step #3 in the easy steps to disappear when you’re on the radar and about to be called out as a vampire! When presented--Hold up... What’s that?


There seems to be someone…


Oh my… They--they found me!! I don’t know how they did but they did. They know...


<There he is! Get the bloodsucker!!>


<<Get him, yeah!>>


Please, no! I--I--


<<<I’ve got him! >>>


<<Let’s burn him!>>


<<<Where's my son, you--you monster!?>>>


<<<<Who’s got the stake?>>>>


<<<<<I do!>>>>>


<Thought you could hide from us, did you?> 


No, no, nooooooooo...


....


[Transcript End]


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15 comments

B. W.
21:10 Oct 30, 2020

Okay- i have nothing much to say besides that I LOVE the way you wrote the story, it was great ^^ 10/10 :)

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18:04 Dec 06, 2020

I really like the way it was written as a podcast, it mixed things up a bit. The ads made it feel more common, listening to a podcast with a vampire host. 10/10 :)

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John Del rio
04:38 Nov 09, 2020

well written. interesting format; like a radio play or a podcast in progress. the ad spots were great as well. and at the end the show was interrupted by irate people who tracked down the bloodsucker and ended the program. i look forward to reading more of your work.

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Jim Snyder
09:17 Nov 05, 2020

I really enjoy the format you presented this in! Very creative! Reminds me a lot of a book called "E: A Novel," which is presented entirely as emails sent around an office. I always enjoy a non-traditional approach when it's well executed, and yours definitely hits the mark! I also love that you end this with a very modern live social media kind of ending where things don't go well, and it's right there on video or audio for the rest of the world to witness! Great twist! Only criticism I have to offer you is to make sure to proofread...

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Remisse Wykes
15:31 Nov 04, 2020

Aw :( I stayed till the end to see how to disappear in 3 easy steps (T_T)

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Jessy Glazewski
22:40 Oct 30, 2020

Discussion question #3 (all answers will be upvoted): Create a sponsored item that would be tailored for primarily a Vampire audience.

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Jim Snyder
09:25 Nov 05, 2020

Ladies and gentlevamps of the night, let me introduce you to Faces for Facebook, the new social media photography service that uses only mirrorless DSLR cameras to capture that perfect profile picture for you! As you know, the common DSLR camera uses mirrors to take pictures, and if you're like me, you have a real problem with photographers taking your picture and getting a brilliant shot of the wall behind you. Suffer this indignity no more! Visit www.facesforfacebook.com today and schedule your exclusive photo session at an outlet near ...

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Jessy Glazewski
22:39 Oct 30, 2020

Discussion question #2 (all answers will be upvoted): Which sponsor add was your favorite? Why?

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Remisse Wykes
15:38 Nov 04, 2020

The first one was great, kinda like an ad for fake meat. The second one I didn't particularly enjoy, because it seems a bit stretched (I thought the whole point was so that nobody knew that a vampire was a vampire). The third ad is super original and probably my favorite one.

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Jim Snyder
09:21 Nov 05, 2020

I really liked your first advert simply because it feels so very modern (as does your whole story). It's that "meat-substitute" trend we're going through with the Impossible Burger and whatnot, but geared toward vampires. I'll admit plant-based platelets made me chuckle some because I actually wondered for a moment whether that would actually work and reminded myself of course it wouldn't, vampires aren't real... *grins* As a follow-up, the ad I thought could use a little help was the third one because I have no idea how you would prono...

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Kate Ashton
03:09 Nov 11, 2020

I think that might be the point-you see advertisements on television that include long names you'll never learn to pronounce.

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Jim Snyder
07:47 Nov 12, 2020

I'd agree... it just... doesn't translate quite as well in the written form. On TV, you at least hear an announcer say it as you're seeing it. I mean, like I said, still a funny joke, just kind of loses a bit of the oomph due to the format, that's all.

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Jessy Glazewski
19:05 Nov 12, 2020

That's exactly the idea I was playing off of! xD

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Jessy Glazewski
22:38 Oct 30, 2020

Discussion question #1 (all answers will be upvoted): What piece of advice would you add if this was “How to Disappear in 4 Easy Steps”?

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Jim Snyder
09:27 Nov 05, 2020

Bonus tactic: If push comes to shove, fruit bats are very common in the sprawling suburbs, so if you need to make a quick exit, run around a corner and fly off as your common fruit bat. Now, this does take a lot of practice, and gives you an extreme craving for fruit, but in the end, having an emergency exit strategy is key to ensuring you are able to disappear easily!

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