51 comments

Oct 26, 2020

Fiction Friendship Suspense

Lost

By: Haripriya

β€œAre you sure we are not lost?” I asked, looking panicked.Β 

Β I was going to faint any second now.Β Β 

β€œNo! You’re being silly, that’s all! Besides, just because we didn’t go to the cabins like we were supposed to doesn’t automatically make us lost!” Navya said, her voice trembling with fear.Β Β 

I knew that she was scared, but just trying to hide the fact that there was no hope.Β 

β€œPlease, tell me the truth, we are lost, aren’t we? Don’t lie to me, it is not the time to look out for my feelings. You need to be straight up honest with me.” I told her in a firm voice.Β 

β€œFine, I guess... that we are... kind of lost,” she admitted.Β Β 

β€œWhat do you mean kind of lost?” I asked her.Β 

β€œI mean that we aren’t fully lost,” she said.Β 

β€œJust admit the fact that we are lost. I promise that I won’t make a big scene.” I promised her.Β 

β€œOk, yes, we are lost. I am sorry, we shouldn’t have wandered off into the woods to find my necklace. I am even more sorry for dragging you into this. Now we are both going to be a grizzly bear’s dinner because of me.” Navya spoke sadly.Β 

β€œLet’s try not to get ahead of ourselves. It wasn’t completely pointless that we got lost when looking for your necklace...” I told her, trying to comfort her.Β 

β€œOh really? Then where is my necklace?” she asked me.Β 

β€œWell... if we look closer, then we can maybe...” I started speaking, but Navya interrupted me.Β 

β€œNO! We can’t find it. Again, I am so sorry. I feel like such a bad friend. We should have been sleeping in our old bunk beds, instead, we are in the woods in the middle of the night just because of a necklace.” Navya said.Β 

β€œLook, Navya, don’t be so harsh on yourself! I know that you never meant for any of this to happen. We can just stick together and try to get out of here before anyone realizes that we are missing.” I said.Β 

β€œHow come I totally forgot?! I bet our camp counselors already know that we are missing! Then, they will let the entire camp know, meaning our reputation is ruined. Also, the camp counselors will notify our parents, and we can get in serious trouble. But that’s only if we reach home. If we don’t, then we are doomed.” Navya panicked.Β 

β€œIt looks like you are more scared than I am.” I joked.Β 

But she had a slight chance of being right. There might be ways that everyone already knew about our disappearance. Also, we are lost in the woods! The worst place to be lost! I did learn a thing or two from our camp survival class. For example, if a bear comes towards you, then slowly move back without moving a sound. If it keeps coming towards you, then act like you are dead. When it goes away from you, slowly get back up. But I don’t know if this is going to be enough.Β 

Suddenly, Navya stumbled upon something. Something which sounded like two rocks colliding.Β 

β€œOww!! What is that? Is that a snake? Is that a raccoon? Is that a bear cub?” Navya worried.Β 

β€œNo Navya! How could it be an animal? It sounded more like a brick. Here, gather some flint stones and rub them together to create friction. We can create some fire to finally see everything.” I advised.Β 

β€œI guess you’re right. I’ll go find some rocks.” Navya replied.Β 

As we both found some rocks, I fell too.Β 

β€œYou’re right! It hurts kind of like I just fell on top of a boulder or something.” I wailed.Β Β 

β€œI know, right? I hope you’re ok, I will just rub the stones and make the fire.” Navya said.Β 

I wanted to help her but was too weak to even get up. I tried, but I fell right like how I fell before. It was no use.Β 

Click!Β 

β€œThere! Looks like that survival class back at camp was useful after all!” Navya replied.Β Β 

β€œYeah, you’re...” I started talking but couldn’t believe what I just saw.Β Β 

β€œWhat happened Nia?” she asked me.Β 

β€œGravestones! Look behind you Navya! We stumbled on gravestones! We’re in a... graveyard!!” I shrieked.Β 

β€œAAAHHHH! How did we get here?? Right when I was kind of feeling a little better about the fact that we were lost!” Navya shouted.Β 

β€œI know your petrified, and trust me, I am too. But we can’t shout. It will wake up all the β€˜you know who’ and we will be in their tummies before we can even scream for help.” I whispered.Β 

β€œThis is so unfair! I feel so confused, scared, kind of jumpy, and... confused! Wait, did I already say confused?” Navya whispered back.Β 

β€œYes Navya!” I groaned.Β 

β€œI guess we have to spend the night here, in this graveyard,” I admitted.Β 

β€œI hate to admit this, but yeah. Where else can we go? We are already lost in the woods, and I don’t even remember which direction we went, right or left! Or was it behind? I don't know. You see! Spending the night here won’t be so bad I guess, because I am spending the night with you, my best friend. I won’t feel so scared.” Navya told me.Β 

β€œYou really think so?” I asked.Β 

β€œOf course. If I am ever lost again, I would pray that I would be lost with you. Not that you also get lost, but... well you know what I mean.” Navya whispered.Β 

β€œYes. I am so happy that I am with you. I guess this graveyard isn’t the worst place to be, because it is not where you are that matters, but who you are with. I am with my best friend, so I kind of feel like I am home, in a way.” I replied.Β 

β€œOh look!! Did you see that shooting star! I am going to make a wish!” Navya told me.Β 

β€œI am too,” I said.Β 

I wish that Navya and I stay best friends forever. Also, I wish that we get out of this scary place because it is kind of getting a bit scary spending the night in this graveyard.Β 

~The End~Β 

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51 comments

Hello everyone!! I want your opinion on if Navya and Nia's story about getting lost seemed interesting to all of you? Do you guys predict that Navya and Nia are going to be stuck in the graveyard? Did you like their journey of stumbling on the gravestones? Do you have any suggestions and/or feedback on how I can improve? πŸŽƒ

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Jade Young
14:29 Oct 26, 2020

Hey Haripriya :) I agree with Raquel about the showing and not telling. Your story will have more of an impact if you help people to really be immersed in it, and showing does a great job of doing that. I also noticed that you have a tendency to tell through the dialogue between Nayva and Nia as well. This makes their dialogue seem very forced and formal rather than as the best friends they are. In future, I scheme you should use your dialogue as a normal conversation between your characters that adds to the plot, but the details you includ...

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Thank you so much! I will definitely include more showing and telling next time!!

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Raquel Rodriguez
11:43 Oct 26, 2020

Hey, Haripriya! I was reading your story, and I love the names, though some people don't like it when the MC (main character) and the SC (secondary character) have the same first letter in their name, because of mix-ups. Clearly, this didn't happen here, so you're good this time! :) So, first thing, you do A LOT of telling in here. I usually tell more than I show, and I'm trying to work on that, so I thought you should know too. One notable showing instead of telling is: 'I was going to faint any second now.' You should explain ho...

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Hello there!! I will definitely add more showing! Also, it's not really set in a country... I might have to think about that, but thanks!! :)

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:02 Oct 26, 2020

Oh, well, I just wanted to let you know that flint stone is mostly found in South East U.S. and Mid West, so just a suggestion, maybe you could do it there! :)

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:07 Oct 26, 2020

You're welcome :)

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Safa Jalil
17:31 Nov 14, 2020

Wonderful Story. πŸ‘

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Safa Jalil
17:33 Nov 14, 2020

Can i know how old you are, you seem like a nice person

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Safa Jalil
17:35 Nov 14, 2020

Me too i am 12

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Esther Mwape
13:24 Nov 02, 2020

Hi nice story you have here❀

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S. M
01:53 Oct 30, 2020

I love the ending! It finished so nicely and professionally

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S. M
02:07 Nov 15, 2020

Np

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B. W.
18:08 Oct 28, 2020

I don't think ive checked this story out or most of your stories out, so here I am ^^ I think that this was a really great story and I also really liked the names for the characters, Ill give this a 10/10 :)

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Hello Blair! Thank you for stopping and reading this! I appreciate your kind words! :)

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B. W.
18:41 Oct 28, 2020

No prob ^^ could you maybe check out some of my other stories and leave some feedback?

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B. W.
19:28 Oct 28, 2020

thats completely fine ^^

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22:49 Oct 27, 2020

Hey Haripriya! I have some extra time on my hands and I thought I'd come back for a more helpful critique and praise. ;) I really loved the dialogue between your characters! It made it feel so real! Also, I loved your ending!! There were a few grammatical issues that I thought I'd let you know about! Here, gather some flint stones and rub them together to create friction. - change 'flint stones' to 'flintstones' β€œYes Navya!” - add a comma after 'Yes' That's it! Wonderful job! Keep up the fantastic work!

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14:12 Oct 30, 2020

The storyline is fine for me I want to know what happens next. Most stories have an ending readers either consider happy or acceptable. Stories with a bad ending don’t always have good reviews. Stories kind of represent life. People prefer a happy ending to life events. There’s already enough misery to go around. The story flowed well but I’m more interested in stories then grammar. Have you ever used a writing app? I personally like Pro Writing Aid. Check them out and see what you think. Good luck! Robert

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Hello there! Thank you for your kind words! I will surely check 'Pro Writing Aid' out! Thanks for the suggestion! :)

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15:25 Oct 30, 2020

If it helps here is a link. https://prowritingaid.com/en/App/Purchase?afid=9573&vc= Heres a code for 20% off if you are interested. AIUGPJIBBF

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Princemark Okibe
15:35 Oct 27, 2020

Was expecting the story to get spooky as they stumbled upon a graveyard but it just got more lighter. From their dialogue, I am assuming the two girls to be kids. They just seem so flippant with the whole thing.

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L.a. Nolan
08:03 Oct 27, 2020

Hello Haripriya! A fun little tale! I enjoyed it! The dialogue was natural and flowed well, and I could truly feel the building hysteria. A few small gramatical recurrences to point out, β€œJust admit the fact that we are lost. I promise that I won’t try to make a big scene.” I promised her. - 'I promise that I won't make a big scene.' or, "I promise I will try not to make a big scene.' would work better. If we don’t then we are doomed.” Navya panicked. - comma after don't. β€œI guess you’re right. I’ll go find some rocks.” Navya ...

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Hello there!! Thank you so much for telling me what to fix! I appreciate it!! I am excited to read your new story on Daayans!! :D

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17:57 Oct 26, 2020

I love this Haripriya!!!

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Coco Longstaff
23:23 Jan 02, 2021

Hi Laila! I too hope that Nia and Navya stay best friends forever. Yes it seems so creepy to get lost in a graveyard! Nice!

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Coco Longstaff
23:55 Jan 02, 2021

πŸ˜ƒ

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Clara d Berry
02:09 Nov 15, 2020

Hi Haripriya, I did think the story was interesting, but it would have been more interesting with more showing rather than telling, as mentioned by other commenters, and if it was longer. I also would prefer that the story didn't end with them still lost. Here are a few suggestions for changes to improve the grammatical structure of your story: 1) Whenever you have someone speaking and then a dialogue tag such as "Navya said," there should not be a period before the dialogue tag, which is technically part of the same sentence even if th...

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Hello Clara! I LOVED your critique/comment! Thank you so much for taking the time in writing such deep thoughtful words about my story. Also, the last thing you mentioned...well I like to add "The End" to my story. Just like a personal thing. That's all. Again, thank you for writing such a beautiful comment! :)

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Clara d Berry
03:00 Nov 15, 2020

Thank you! Your call about ending with "The End." There's nothing wrong with it. It's just extra, but if it makes you happy, then go ahead.

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