61 comments

Oct 23, 2020

Drama Holiday Friendship

"Come on Kiyara. Walk faster." Jane, my best friend said as we walked down the street. 

Aaah what did I get myself into I thought. Yesterday when we were watching a horror movie Jane came up with a plan, that we could go to the graveyard and spend the night there. I didn't want to go there, it was very spooky at night especially on a Halloween night. I shuddered as I thought about it. But I had to say yes because I didn't want her to think that I was scared and didn't want to go. Which was true, I was really scared. Jane thought it was a great idea and I assured her that it was. And that's how it started. She was so excited that she went home early so that she could pack things up and get ready for tomorrow night. Well, now that I was going there I had to get ready too. 

The next morning we decided that it would be better if they didn't inform their parents that they were going to a graveyard in the night.

Now that we were nearing the graveyard I regretted a lot of things, first that I was taking part In Jane's plan, second that nobody knew that we were going to the graveyard. I had never dreamed that I would be going behind my parents back to a graveyard. 

"I am trying to do my best," I told her when I caught up with her. 

"I can see that, alright,". she said. 

We stood in front of the gate. She took a deep breath and opened the gate. It made a loud creaking sound. That sent a chill to my spine. We took a step inside. 

"OMG! Kiyara look! it looks as if nobody has set afoot here for ages." she commented. 

"I know! It looks extra creepy to me now". I said shuddering. 

"I hope that we catch some ghosts in here, " she said as she pulled out a camera from her backpack. She just overstuffed her bag just like always. 

"Seriously Jane, You even brought a camera up here, ."

"Yes, I did. What's wrong with it?." she frowned.

"No. Nothing is wrong with it."I said quickly.

6 minutes have passed since we arrived in the graveyard. 

THANK God nothing scary has happened until now. 

Just then my thoughts were interrupted when I heard a scream from behind me. 

Oh my God!! . What did I just hear?.

"Did you hear something Jane?." I turned around to find that the place where Jane had been sitting was empty. 

"No!!" I shouted. 

Then I saw shadows moving here and there. I screamed. 

OH my gosh! This isn't happening I thought. 

Then I felt my hair being pulled. I started running at full speed. It was so scary that my whole body was covered with goosebumps. 

While running I fell, in the process, my ankle was twisted. 

I heard footsteps behind me and then I felt myself pass out. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When I woke up the sun was shining brightly. I realized that it was morning and the night was over. Then I noticed that I was no longer in the graveyard, instead, I was in my bedroom and the sunshine came through the window in my room. 

I couldn't remember exactly what had happened. I remember passing out but after that, everything is a blur. My eyes started to close and within seconds I was asleep. 

When I opened my eyes again, I saw my friends' faces around me. They were all grinning . What happened? Why are they grinning like that? I thought. 

 "At last! Sleepyhead is awake." Susan said in a dramatic tone. She lives next door (if it concerns you).

"Why are you all here?" I asked, my voice coming out deep. 

"We actually came here to apologize". Chris said. Giving me a wide smile. 

"Apologize for what.?" I asked. 

"for scaring you yesterday". Jane said. 

"What do you mean?"

"It means that we scared you in the graveyard yesterday. And now we are very sorry. I know we shouldn't have done it but it is always so fun to scare you." Susan said. 

"So it was you guys all along?. It isn't funny . It doesn't feel good fainting in a graveyard you know." I snapped. How could they do this to me.? How could Jane, who was my best friend do it?.

" Yup. We are really sorry Kiyara. Will you forgive us?." Chris asked. 

I didn't respond right away. 

" Yes, I forgive you guys. But I don't forgive you, Jane. I thought we were best friends. How could you do such a thing to me?. You broke my heart." I said my voice breaking. 

" I didn't mean to hurt you Kiyara. I didn't know that you would get that scared. I won't do this again. okay?. I sincerely apologize to you. Do you forgive me for being such a bad friend to you?. Please. " Jane begged. 

I smiled widely. 

"Yes, I forgive, you." I said, giving her a big hug. 

"Awww! You are so cute together." Susan said. 

"I wish I could have a best friend too." Chris said. 

"You have us. You can count us as your best friends can't you?." Susan said. 

"Yes, you can always count us in, " Me and Jane said in unusion. 

"You guys are so sweet. Thank you." Chris said, getting emotional. 

"Our pleasure!." I said. 

Then we all started laughing. It felt so good to laugh with friends. 

After everyone had gone back to their home,I went downstairs and found mom. She was cooking. 

I went and sat on the countertop as I used to when I was 3 years old. 

" How are you feeling dear?" my mom asked. 

" Much better." 

"Good. I got so scared when they brought you home unconscious." Mom said. 

"It is so embarrassing that I fainted in front of them. Everyone at school is going to talk about how I fainted in a graveyard." I said smiling at the thought that I got so scared and fainted because of a silly prank. 

Mom just chuckled. 

Wow, everyone will talk about how 10-year-old Kiyara got scared in a graveyard and fainted. 





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61 comments

Hello there Alina! You requested me to come here and critique for you, so here I am! Let me just start of this extremely long comment by saying how well written your story is! Really, I think you did a great job overall with the flow of the plot and how every part of this story interested me, as a reader. 😄 Another detail I want to mention to you is that your story felt like I had just switched on Netflix and was watching a movie. That was how nicely descriptive it was! That takes a lot of talent and effort for ANY reader in this world to...

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Alina Manha
03:08 Oct 24, 2020

Omg!!.🤯 Thank you sooooooo much!. ☺️ I will be sure to correct the mistakes. Thank you for taking your time to read and critique on my story. 🙂 I will be sure to let you know. 😉 Yo are so sweet. Once again thank you for your kind words and attention. 😊

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Hello there, no problem!! Also, if you want, I wrote a story called "The Winning Coven", if you want to read that. Again, NOT forcing you at all! :)

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Alina Manha
04:01 Oct 24, 2020

I would love to.

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Alina Manha
03:11 Oct 24, 2020

I am so happy that you liked my story. Could please notify me too if you post any new stories because I just love reading your stories.

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jk my story isn't worth criticizing LOL

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Of course! I would love to! (Everyone's story is worth critiquing...) :) (Also, I up-voted you so that you could have more points!🙂)

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14:53 Oct 26, 2020

This is AWESOME! Nice story! Everyone should read this!

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Alina Manha
20:18 Oct 26, 2020

Awww. Thank you so much. ☺️ This means a lot to me.

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14:19 Oct 27, 2020

You're welcome!

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Alina Manha
16:59 Oct 28, 2020

Please let me know if you don't like this story. Cause I want to know if it's good or not. Any suggestions are welcome. 😊

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Alina Manha
16:57 Oct 28, 2020

Please let me know if you don't like the story. Cause I want to know if it is good or not. Any suggestions are welcome. 😊

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Rambling Beth
16:11 Oct 25, 2020

I loved this!! You've got really strong dialogue throughout, and I loved your characterisation. <3

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Alina Manha
16:22 Oct 25, 2020

Thank you!. Aww you are so sweet. Thank you for reading it and commenting on it.

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Sumit Tak
11:16 Oct 24, 2020

Immersive plot . A must read. Loved it....

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Alina Manha
15:23 Oct 24, 2020

Thank you so much. I am happy that you liked it. BTW thanks for commenting. 🙂

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Alina Manha
22:46 Oct 23, 2020

Please let me know if there are any mistakes. It will surely help me a lot. Thank you.

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05:35 Nov 02, 2020

Hi Alina! I saw your comment on my story, and wanted to return the favor! I'm glad I came over to your profile because this was a very cute story. I think you had a great twist there at the end with it being her friends that had caused the big scare! I don't have much else to critique that others haven't already pointed out. I think you've received quite a bit of lengthy and well-reasons edits and feedback from the group, so I'll end just by saying thanks for sharing. I hope you continue to share your stories with us!

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Alina Manha
05:44 Nov 02, 2020

Hi AJ, 👋🏻 Thank you! So kind of you. 😭😭😭😭 Yup, I sure did receive a lot of feedbacks. 😊. Cause I make a lot of mistakes. 😬 Your welcome!. Aawww! I will.... surely.

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He!do I.a.p.n
21:26 Oct 28, 2020

Wow! I wasn't expecting it to be her friends at the end! It definitely had good description and an interesting plot line. I think the other person caught most of the grammatical and other errors, but I noticed one small one where you say "...I regretted a lot of things, first that I "am" taking part In Jane's plan," you switched from past tense to present tense, so where it says "am" it should be "was" Also another thing that isn't really required and maybe it's just my preference, idk lol, but I think capitalizing the title makes th...

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Alina Manha
01:40 Oct 29, 2020

Thank you so much reading my story. It means a lot.😊 And thank you for the feedback and the suggestion. I will surely correct my mistakes. 😁

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05:38 Nov 04, 2020

Hey Alina! Its been awhile! Last time I was here you only had about 20 likes and like 18 comments look how much you have grown🤧😂😭I'm sooo proud and happy your getting the attention cause your stories are so amazing! As promised I finished reading the last of your stories! I enjoyed it soooo mcuh and was so happy it was just her friends tricking her. I actually kinda guessed it since Jane was acting so weird😂 Few things I wanna point out! You got better at writing too!!! But when doing punctuation- like when you use this (!) you don't ha...

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Alina Manha
08:08 Nov 04, 2020

Hi Ugochi. 👋🏻 Aawww, Thank you so much. It's all thanks to all the wonderful people here, including you. I really appreciate that you took out time to read my story. 😭 Yup, Jane did act wierd didn't she. 😅 I will surely correct te mistakes, thanks!!! I will be sure to let you know. ☺️ 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 Thank you! Have a great day.

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13:36 Nov 04, 2020

Anytime!!!🤭 And you tooo, I hope you have a great day!

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Alina Manha
17:21 Nov 04, 2020

Thank you!.😊 It means a lot to me. 😭😭😭

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V Bhandula
04:36 Nov 02, 2020

It's super cool I tho got the chills😃😃

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Alina Manha
04:42 Nov 02, 2020

Aaww, thank you. 😊

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I. F.
02:01 Nov 02, 2020

This was a great read, just a couple of suggestions: * You don't always need to end a line of dialogue with a period or question mark, most of them should be changed to a comma. * If you end a dialogue line with a question mark or an exclamation point, capitalize whatever comes after it. * You have some dialogue lines throughout that have an exclamation point or question mark and a period, you only need one of those. Other than that this was a really fun read, great job! Could you check out the new story I posted "Circus Life?"

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Alina Manha
04:07 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much reading this story.😁 Thank you for the suggestion and the feedback. 😀 Sure! I would love to. 😊

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09:24 Nov 01, 2020

Hi Alina, I just read your bio. My birthday is also the 14 th of Jan and we have very similar interests. I loved your story ^^ it’s very good. Lily

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Alina Manha
11:19 Nov 01, 2020

Hi Lily. 👋🏻 OMG!!!!! That's great. What a coincidence. Thank you!!. Thanks for for reading the story. I will try to read yours soon.😁 Nice to meet you. 😊 ~ALINA

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Sam W
03:29 Oct 31, 2020

This was so sweet, Alina! I actually love that Kiyara fainted-though I never have myself, I’ve been at that ‘lightheaded from shock’ point and it’s pretty real. Also, this sounds like something my friends would doXD You wrote “we decided that it was better if they didn’t inform their...” Watch your grammar. I enjoyed reading! PS: Thanks so much again, for commenting on my subs.

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Alina Manha
13:07 Oct 31, 2020

Aawwww, thank you!☺️ I too never fainted though. But it seemed to fit there, so I added it.😊 Thank you for the feedback. 😊 Glad you liked it. 😀 Your welcome!!!. 😁

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Azalea Young
21:18 Oct 30, 2020

Hey Alina! Your story was thoroughly developed, and had some excellent points! However, I think there are some things that could be improved. Your dialogue was well written, but you don't have to specify exactly which character is saying what or how they said it, the reader will know without that added hint. For example, the lines: "Seriously Jane, You even brought a camera up here, ." I said. "Yes, I did. What's wrong with it?." she said, frowning. "No. Nothing is wrong with it." I said quickly. You don't have to specify that ...

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Alina Manha
22:44 Oct 30, 2020

Hi Azalea. 👋🏻 Thank you sooooooo much for reading this story. And thank you for your kind words. I will be sure to keep that in mind. 😊

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17:20 Oct 30, 2020

Hey Alina! I love your story! I also saw in your bio that people don't like that you're talkative. I just wanted to say, love who you are! I also want to speak on the behalf of all introverts that we love talkative people! It keeps us from having to do the talking and it's always interesting to hear what people have to say. ;) Don't ever forget that God made you the way you are for a reason and that he loves you. Don't change for anyone! Have a great rest of your day and don't forget to keep writing! - Felicity

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Alina Manha
20:07 Oct 30, 2020

Hi Felicity. 👋🏻 Aawwww, thank you so much!!. It means a lot to me. 😭😭😭😭😭 What can I do? no one wants to hear my blabbering. 😩 Once again thank you for your kind words they have helped me a lot. 😊 You too have a great day ahead. 😄. You have made me the happiest person . ☺️☺️

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20:33 Oct 30, 2020

No problem!! 😊😊😊

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11:05 Nov 12, 2020

Hii, Alina Sorry to intervene, in this brutal manner, I have a request for you would be kind to give a single glance over the vehicle which my team had been working over months. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHX5VUPBJOp/?igshid=5f72nb3cgg30 Sorry to take your time and If possible like the post.Because this would help team to win

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Alina Manha
12:23 Nov 12, 2020

Hi! Prathamesh. No worries. Yes I will be happy to. OK 👍🏻

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Alina Manha
12:29 Nov 12, 2020

I just checked it out. It looks cool. Hope your team wins I couldn't like it though. I'm not signed In.

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11:05 Nov 12, 2020

I loved the story

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Alina Manha
12:24 Nov 12, 2020

Thanks!

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Esther Mwape
13:12 Nov 02, 2020

👏👏

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Alina Manha
08:33 Nov 04, 2020

Thank you.!

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19:20 Dec 06, 2020

I like the character a lot. The plot is good and the sort of dry humor makes me laugh out loud. I did notice some weird punctuation, so you could use some work there, but Kiyara is a great character,r and her name is very unique.

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Alina Manha
22:23 Dec 08, 2020

Thank you so much! Glad I could make you laugh. I am working on the punctuation. Trying to get better at it. Actually Kiyara is one of my favorite names. Thank you again for reading and taking out time to comment on my story.

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22:30 Dec 08, 2020

No problem! I love to read, and when I find something that I like, I'll b sure to tell the author that it's good. 😄

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Alina Manha
16:58 Dec 09, 2020

:-) thank you! I will try to read your stories too. You are really sweet for commenting and letting me know that you like it.

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16:59 Dec 09, 2020

Thanks for reading mine! :) :) :)

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Alina Manha
17:14 Dec 09, 2020

My pleasure! It's the least I can do.

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