89 comments

Oct 10, 2020

Thriller Suspense

The door slammed against the wall as she threw it open. There wasn’t much time and she knew it. Her feet pounded against the ground as she ran onto the nearly abandoned rain-soaked dirt road. It was frigid and dark. She was panting as she tried to stay steady on the slippery path. The footsteps behind her increased their speed. Her vision blurred from the bright headlights of a passing car. It was just enough to distract her from a hole in the road and her stomach lurched as she tripped. He caught up to her just as her head slammed into a rock and before she could move he was on top of her.

“You need to stop.” He gasped as he wrestled her still.

“You’re insane.”

“Mandy-”

“Get away from me!”

“You’re delirious. We need to get you home.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

He sighed. It was just enough. She brought her knee up with all the strength she could muster. He howled as she made contact. Rolling out from beneath him she released a spurt of energy. Then the throbbing hit and her vision swarmed with black. She felt the thud of her knees hitting the ground throughout her whole body. Her head felt like it was about to burst open. He caught her before she collapsed.

“Mandy! Mandy, talk to me.” He pleaded while shaking her.

She didn’t answer. When he pulled away his hand was covered in her blood. He cupped her head against his chest as he hauled her up and carried her off the road. Then she was falling. She rolled to look up at him. He was so far away now.

“I just want you to know,” He said as a weight began on her chest and the smell of soil assaulted her nostrils. “I really do love you.”

She awoke with a gasp covered in sweat and tears even though she didn’t remember crying. Sitting upright was what made her realize she was in a bed and not a hole. She rubbed a hand over her face then pressed it into her forehead, willing herself to remember more. But that was it. Taking a deep breath, she turned her head to the side. That was when she saw him. She screamed and jerked back, falling on the floor.

“What is it?” He yelled, jumping out of bed and taking a defensive stance. “What happened?”

She didn’t respond. She merely gaped up at him until he relaxed at the realization there was no danger. He held out his hand to her.

“Are you okay? What happened?” He asked again, much gentler this time, while he pulled her up.

“I remembered something.”

“That’s great news!” He pulled her into a quick embrace.

“I don’t know if it is.” She took a step back.

His brow furrowed in confusion. “I don’t understand, why are you so upset?”

There was a long pause while she stared him down. This man that was lovingly checking on her could hardly be the same man as the one that ruthlessly tried to kill her.

“Never mind. Let’s go back to sleep.”

“Tell me.”

“Stop asking me.”

“You’re clearly distressed. Just tell me what’s going on.” He reached out to her but pulled back before touching her.

“I want to sleep.”

“Alright, but you’ll tell me in the morning, won’t you?”

“Yes.”

They got back into bed and pulled the covers up to their chins. But while he settled in she stayed wide-eyed staring at the ceiling. Was the anger in his eyes real? Or did she imagine it? She didn’t have time do decide, every moment she stayed without knowing the truth was giving him the advantage. She needed to get away. And she needed to do it now. Heart beating rapidly, she slipped out of the bed and began tiptoeing to the closet. A floorboard creaked. Every muscle in her body froze as she waited for him to move. He didn’t. Releasing the breath she was holding she finished crossing the room with ginger steps. She pulled a coat over her pajamas and tugged her boots onto her feet. Her hand was an inch from the doorknob when his grabbed her arm.

“Where are you going?”

“I need some air.”

“At this time of night? Come back to bed.”

“Were you always like this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just want to go for a walk.”

“And I’m just worried about your safety.”

“You’re worried about yours.”

His grip tightened. “Why would you say that?”

She tensed. “You’re hurting me.”

“I’m sorry.” He startled as she turned to look at him. “It’s just… I have no idea what’s going on. Please talk to me.”

“You want some kind of confession, don’t you?”

“What?”

“Well, I want one too.”

He was gripping both of her arms now. They were inches from each other and he held her in place with the look in his eyes. If only she knew what complex emotions they were displaying. She gasped as his nails dug in. The flash of anger from before was back.

“What is going on?”

“Why did you do it?”

“Why did I do what?”

“You think you can pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!” She pulled away from him and her back hit the door.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice trembled and she knew he meant it. It unnerved her.

“You tried to kill me.” She whispered. “Why?”

He placed his hand on the door right next to her head. She flinched. “Mandy, I don’t know what you think you remember, but that never happened.”

“I know it did.”

“I would never hurt you.”

“I know you did.”

“Mandy-”

He raised his hand but she ducked out of the way and yanked the door open. It banged into his forehead and he fell back clutching the gash on his face. She ran to unlock the front door and then tugged with all her might. The door slammed against the wall as she threw it open. There wasn’t much time and she knew it. Her feet pounded against the ground as she ran onto the nearly abandoned rain-soaked dirt road.

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89 comments

Lovely Story! :)

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Anna Elizabeth
17:50 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you! :)

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John Del rio
05:34 Dec 15, 2020

Nicely done. I like how the beginning was the ending. Remembering the future: a difficult construct, similar to time travel or like “memento”. But I can’t help but wonder if she is just mentally unbalanced and he really is the loving partner/spouse simply reacting to her behavior. Maybe we will see what happens in another story if you continue. I enjoyed it and will read more of your work when I can.

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Anna Elizabeth
07:41 Dec 15, 2020

Thank you so much! You happened to nail it on the head, that's exactly what I was doing/going for. I'd love to hear what you think of my other stories if you do get the chance to read them.

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Princemark Okibe
07:43 Oct 16, 2020

wonderful first try. Your story was captivating and engaging. I couldn't get this level of engagement on my first try in reedsy. You surely got the thriller and suspense part down. It was thrilling and full of suspense. I began thinking that her husband will accidentally kill her because of the prompt you are writing with. Though I know you cannot be able to edit your work now, I will still give some little suggestions. [She didn’t respond. She merely gaped up at him until he relaxed at the realization there was no danger.] In ...

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Anna Elizabeth
07:59 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you! I'm really happy with the overwhelming positivity especially with this being my first story here. I actually did mean 'he' because he gets into a defensive stance but then he realizes that nothing's going on. She never relaxes, though. That's why the story happens the way it does. And I did mean 'his' because her hand is an inch from the doorknob when his hand grabs her arm. It felt more fluent to say his rather than his hand and I didn't want to say 'he' because it didn't feel detailed enough. Thanks for taking the time ...

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Rayhan Hidayat
05:07 Oct 16, 2020

Wow, ok, you nailed the thriller/suspense aspect of the prompt for sure! Love how the ending loops back to the beginning. I think the message in this story is that you should talk to your partner instead of making assumptions ;) An enjoyable read overall, keep it up!

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Anna Elizabeth
05:25 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you! I was hoping to make the story feel circular just like a memory from the future would be. I think that is definitely a good takeaway ;) thanks for reading and commenting!

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20:07 Dec 12, 2020

Really good! I love this! Thanks for sharing your work :)

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Anna Elizabeth
20:38 Dec 12, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Anna Elizabeth
17:42 Dec 04, 2020

Thank you!

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10:56 Nov 27, 2020

This is captivating

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Anna Elizabeth
18:57 Nov 27, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Valeria Maya
19:49 Nov 05, 2020

I love this. Continue what you do in life and succeed in your dreams

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Anna Elizabeth
21:12 Nov 05, 2020

Thank you!

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Alivia Jones
17:17 Nov 04, 2020

This is a beautiful story, short and sweet. And it also kept me hooked and on edge-which is quite hard to do...I'm very picky when it comes to reading books, and this one wowed me. Excellent job!

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Anna Elizabeth
20:16 Nov 04, 2020

Thank yo so much!

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Alivia Jones
22:25 Nov 04, 2020

Of course!

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Mania Grimm
18:55 Dec 24, 2020

i am *INTRIGUED* this is !!

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Anna Elizabeth
15:49 Dec 25, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Safii !
06:09 Oct 30, 2020

Really amazing work! The introduction was hooking, and the rest as suspenseful as well!

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Anna Elizabeth
06:15 Oct 30, 2020

Thank you!

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Alina Manha
05:25 Oct 26, 2020

This story was just wonderful. I really loved it. You Did a great job on it 👍🏻.

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Anna Elizabeth
05:32 Oct 26, 2020

Thank you!

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Alina Manha
05:56 Oct 26, 2020

Your most welcome 😊

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Malz Castell
10:57 Oct 23, 2020

Amazing story! I really want to know what happens next.

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Anna Elizabeth
15:53 Oct 23, 2020

Thank you!

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Kirstine Hughes
10:18 Oct 23, 2020

This sounds like a hard prompt to tackle and I think you've handled it well. Nice circular ending. I want to know if he catches up with her now!

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Anna Elizabeth
15:53 Oct 23, 2020

Thank you!

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I . H
23:41 Oct 22, 2020

Great story, really well done! It was concise, but gripping, and I know it can be hard to get looping stories right.

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Anna Elizabeth
00:29 Oct 23, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Ray Dyer
14:21 Oct 16, 2020

Great ending to this story! I like the interactions between the two characters, too. The dialogue reads well, and the pacing is great - I love the way the initial action is followed by the mystery that leads right back into the action. It starts and ends on high notes that get your heart going. Thank you for sharing this story!

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Anna Elizabeth
17:50 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Lourenço Amorim
12:01 Oct 16, 2020

Although she saw the future, she speaks about that in the past. The character seems to be mixing the order of events, and the stress to know such tough information. Interesting choice of approach.

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Anna Elizabeth
17:46 Oct 16, 2020

Yes, she thinks it was in the past because she can't remember her past. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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P. Jean
10:25 Oct 16, 2020

I felt her panic, near panic and sheer panic...I wonder if knowing the future, can she alter it with this foreknowledge? Or is she locked into it? Good job of engaging the reader.

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Anna Elizabeth
17:42 Oct 16, 2020

I don't think she could alter it because she didn't realize it was the future, but that would be a very interesting alternate ending. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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P. Jean
18:05 Oct 16, 2020

You’re very welcome. I love reading the different interpretations of the prompts.

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Ashton Noble
08:15 Oct 16, 2020

Oh wow, nice. I didn't even want to attempt this prompt and you killed it, pardon the pun. Love how it wrapped back around at the end. You definitely have skill at writing thriller, plus it was so short and to the point. No unneeded filler, which gives me a sudden gag reflex when I read. I can liken this story to a single strip of mouth watering steak. Just enough to appease my reading hunger and not feel like I have to run to bathroom afterwards, lol. I can't wait to read you next short story.👍👏🙌

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Anna Elizabeth
17:38 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Yolanda Wu
05:03 Oct 16, 2020

I love how perfectly you captured Mandy's confusion and oof that ending. The pacing of the story was also done really well, and the dialogue was super effective Your descriptions throughout are crisp and captivating and vivid. Your take on the prompt was super creative, don't understand how people even came up with stories for this prompt, but I've read so many great stories on it. Congratulations for your first story on Reedsy. Amazing work, Eliza!

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Anna Elizabeth
05:22 Oct 16, 2020

Thank you so much! I worked really hard on all of those aspects so I'm really glad they came across well! It was definitely a hard one, but once I had the idea of someone "remembering" their death, everything clicked together. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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Yolanda Wu
05:28 Oct 16, 2020

You're welcome!

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