64 comments

Submitted on 10/08/2020

Categories: Adventure Friendship Thriller

Authors note:So like how do you spend your Sunday? Chilling out with friends or having a small family party (or the worst case scenario, completing your homework) or whatever. But this is not the case in Jack, Ronnie, Anne and Rose’ life. Check out what happens on a beautiful Sunday with our four heroes – Jack, Ronnie, Anne and Rose. 

(Disclaimer: The things displayed or written in this story is totally fictional. So no need to worry about them.)

 It was a cold winter morning. Anne, Rose and Jack were lazing on the two beautiful couches kept in their living room. Ronnie was sitting besides the fireplace with his arms curled around his legs. He was recently having fever so he was feeling very cold. Jack put on the television and switched to the cartoon channel.

 “You still see that rubbish Jack?”said Anne taking a sip of her cappuccino.

“This isn’t rubbish”said Jack and tumbled the cappuccino onto the couch.

“Are you crazy?! We just bought that couch last week!”exclaimed Rose.

“I don’t care at allll! I am lostt ! Lost my time my life Is going on”sang Jack.(just so you all readers know, it’s  a song by ceculia krull named I don’t care at all. YouTube it for more information).

“Why are you so quite Ronnie?”asked Anne.

“What do you expect from a person what has recently contracted fever.”said Ronnie while blowing his nose on a napkin.

“Oh no is that the time! I have to leave for my  classes. Bye guys!”said Ronnie. 

“Wait, I will leave you to your classes.You are in no condition to go alone”said Jack and they advanced to their Porsche Cayenne.

The ride was quite bumpy because of the potholes on the road.

 “How do you manage to drive to your classes everyday?!”asked Jack.

“Just.”replied Ronnie.

Ronnie and Jack  got out of the car. Ronnie was pushed by a couple of 10 yr olds as they raced towards their buildings. He tumbled to the electric pole and got a shock. He shouted “Arrggghhhhh”. “Are you Okay mate!”shouted Jack and he rushed towards him. 

Ronnie got up. He was looking as if he was bashed and thrashed for four hours straight. 

“You okay mate?!”asked Jack. 

“Who are you? Where am I? Is this the place where you stay”said Ronnie and gave Jack a very very blank smile. 

“Stop playing jokes on me!”said Jack and dragged Ronnie to the car.

“Is this your car? It’s very beautiful.”said Jack while Jack started to drive.

They drove to their home. Jack parked the car and they went inside their home. Ronnie examined everything as though he was new to this house. Was he acting like a person who has lost his memory or was he really lost?

They told him to sit on the sofa. He sat. “Is this sofa yours. It’s really comfortable.”said Ronnie and gave another blank smile to the other three. “Guys I really regret to announce that Ronnie has lost his memory”said Jack and told them the story about what happened during their drive.

Anne slapped Ronnie hard and asked that he could remember anything. “Are you mad girl?!”shouted Ronnie. They put  him down on the bed and he soon fainted. He could see that a fan fell on the place where the mad girl was standing(Anne).They started sprinkling water on his face and raised his leg at an angle of 40 degree. He soon woke up. (And just so you know readers, raising the leg at 40 degree really helps in waking a fainted person)

“You mad girl, stand somewhere else, the fan is going to fall on you”said Ronnie.

“What rubbish”said Anne.

“Do as he says”said Rose.

She stood next to Jack and to their shock, the fan fell just where Anne was standing.

They all were shocked.

With a whoosh, he blacked out again. This time he could see that whenever Rose will go out of the house, a crow would give her some good luck (hope you understand about what I am talking).

“Hey you girl with blonde hair, don’t go out or a crow will poop on you”,said Ronnie.

“Total nonsense. Now I will step out of the house and then see that a crow shits on me or not”said Rose. 

She stepped out of the house and stood where Ronnie and the others could see her.

And crow shit really fell on top of her head. She came Inside and straight went to the bathroom and washed her head. 

“Guys, haha Ronnie can see the future”,exclaimed Jack. . 

“Tats nothin’ funny Jack. He has forgotten his past.”said Anne.

Rose had come out of the bathroom by now.

“Guys I have to leave for my swimming classes”,said Rose.

Ronnie blacked out again. He could see Rose getting kidnapped. 

“You girl with blonde hair, don’t go to your classes or else you’ll get kidnapped.

“Well my name is Rose. Not ,a-girl-with-blonde-hair.”said Rose

“Isn’t this name better!”joked Jack. 

Rose hit him hard.

“Rose, Ronnie can see the future. You shouldn’t  take a risk”said Anne

“This all is a coincidence Anne. You mustn’t worry about me. You should worry about yourself because only god knows that what foretelling he would do about you and Jack.”Rose replied.

She went with a jerk. Her swimming classes were nearby so she could walk till there.

A yellow van was constantly following her. When she finally reached a deserted pavement, two men came out of the van. They were accompanied by their guns. They grabbed Rose made her unconscious. They went to their main hideout. 

Everyone was worried at the house because it was four hours since Rose had gone and the classes were only of 2 hours.  

Suddenly the phone rang.”Tringg Tringg”

Jack picked the phone. He asked “Who’s this?”.

“We are the kidnappers of your dearest friend. She gave us your number to contact.”answered the person on the phone.

“What do you want?”asked Jack angrily.

“Five lakhs would do silly boy”,replied the man.

“Where to drop the money?”asked Jack

“33 Alcantra beside Alex mall.”

“We will be there by 5 o’clock.”replied Jack and the phone was cut.

“They’ve kidnapped Rose. We have to go and save her”,said Jack.

“Where to?”asked Anne.

“33 Alcantra”

“What happened mad girl and good boy?”asked Ronnie.

“Listen my name is Jack and her name is Anne. If you don’t call us by our names, I will smash your head into the wall. UNDERSTAND!”shouted Jack.

“What happened ma-Anne and Jack?”asked Ronnie.

“Rose has been kidnapped”said Anne.

“Yahoo! I said she would get kidnapped. She didn’t listen to me.”said Ronnie.

“Now our job Is that we have to save Anne from those kidnappers”said Anne.

It was quarter to five. They all got dressed up and were ready to leave. Jack took his two guns with him. He gave one to Anne and he kept one with himself. They hopped into the car and left.

They soon reached their destination. All they could see was a large demolished hut.

They went inside.

“Welcome children”said a person dressed in black coat and blue jeans, wearing goggles.

“Give me my money and I shall leave your dearest friend unharmed”,said the person.

Jack handed over the bag to that person. He was accompanied by 2 more people who were looking his partners in crime. Jack recognised him at once. The main thief was Paul, and his two partners were Adam and Nathan. They were the most wanted criminals.

Paul turned and went to keep the money.

Jack loaded his gun, Anne also did the same and Ronnie was holding a strong metal stick. 

Jack shouted “At the legs!”. Jack and Anne started to fire at the legs. Adam and Paul were down and out. Nathan ran as fast as he could to escape from them. He went and hid behind a bush. Jack and Anne came out to search for him. Ronnie fainted. He could see that Anne was shot in the arm. He woke up and ran as fast as he could. He wasn’t quick enough. Nathan had loaded his gun and was ready to fire any moment.

Ronnie jumped into the way when Nathan was about to shoot. He got shot directly on his knee. Jack found this out and shot Nathan in his knee too for revenge. They called the cops and took Ronnie to the hospital. Cops caught the three of them and returned the money the Jack. They also untied Rose. 

Ronnie was admitted to the hospital. He woke up on a stretcher. He was feeling quite well now and he could remember everything of the past. He told the nurse to call his other three friends.

Ronnie said “ I took the  first bullet for Jack and second one for Anne. God knows how many more bullets would I take for y’all.”. He chuckled after saying this. The other three were shocked to hear that Ronnie had gained his memory back. Ronnie was discharged from the hospital after a week. He fully recovered after a month and they lived happily.

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64 comments

Hello there!! I just want to say that you did a great job writing this story!! :)

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Hriday Saboo
07:32 Oct 21, 2020

Thanks haripriya

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Of course! :)

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Hriday Saboo
16:56 Oct 21, 2020

😊

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Thank you! 😃

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Hriday Saboo
17:57 Oct 21, 2020

👍🏻

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Hriday Saboo
17:57 Oct 21, 2020

👍🏻

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Niveeidha P
02:31 Oct 24, 2020

Hi Hriday! Like Akshat, or "Santa Claws", I do have to agree, there were a couple of mistakes here, but I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this story! “At the legs!”. There is no need for a full stop after the end of a speechmark here, so remove that, and it'll be more clearer. There is also one thing you need to keep in mind. Once someone has spoken, and you want to put another character's dialogue, you should remember to separate the paragraphs so the reader doesn't think that both the dialogues are coming fro...

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Hriday Saboo
05:49 Oct 24, 2020

Thanks Niveeidha for reading my story. Ok i will surely make the changes. Thanks

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Niveeidha P
11:54 Oct 24, 2020

No problem!

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11:26 Oct 08, 2020

Cool! There are some spelling mistakes though, and it's "a fever" not just "fever." And I think you should take out the disclaimer and author's note because they aren't really important. Especially the disclaimer.

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Hriday Saboo
13:32 Oct 08, 2020

K thanks and which spelling mistakes were there can u just tell

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11:14 Nov 10, 2020

Hii, Hriday Sorry to intervene, in this brutal manner, I have a request for you would be kind to give a single glance over the vehicle which my team had been working over months. https://www.instagram.com/p/CHX5VUPBJOp/?igshid=5f72nb3cgg30 Sorry to take your time and If possible like the post.Because this would help team to win

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Hriday Saboo
16:03 Nov 11, 2020

K sure

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11:13 Nov 10, 2020

Great story dued

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Hriday Saboo
16:02 Nov 11, 2020

Thanks

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00:45 Nov 05, 2020

Good job.

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Hriday Saboo
05:17 Nov 05, 2020

Thanks

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Corey Melin
22:43 Oct 18, 2020

Quite the interesting tale on the prompt. Kept you reading to find out how it ends.

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Hriday Saboo
03:18 Oct 19, 2020

K thanks

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Lynn Penny
17:22 Oct 17, 2020

Wonderful work. I think you could incorporate the authors note into the story to make a fun intro. The ideas were great, but I would say the only places needing improvement is some spelling and grammar which all comes with time. Keep up the good work.

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Hriday Saboo
17:37 Oct 17, 2020

K thanks can u help spot some mistakes in grammar and spellings

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Hriday Saboo
17:37 Oct 17, 2020

K thanks can u help spot some mistakes in grammar and spellings

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08:28 Oct 15, 2020

I LIKE DOING HOMEWORK. DON'T JUDGE. *cough* Ahaha. Hi. You called? Very interesting! I have no other feedback other than that this might be one of the most relatable friendship stories ever!

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Hriday Saboo
09:13 Oct 15, 2020

What’s this

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10:59 Oct 15, 2020

Um... what do you mean?

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Hriday Saboo
12:58 Oct 15, 2020

Why did u write a messsage like I like doing homework. Hi u called

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13:26 Oct 16, 2020

Umm...

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09:14 Oct 17, 2020

*Awkwarrdd* sorry, I just had to do it lol

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Hriday Saboo
12:58 Oct 15, 2020

I guess by mistake u wrote to me

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13:24 Oct 16, 2020

No? It was a normal comment?

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13:25 Oct 16, 2020

In your story the characters didn't like doing homework so I just said that I liked doing homework. And you told me to read your new story so I did? That's why I wrote 'you called' because you told me to read it?

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Hriday Saboo
13:32 Oct 16, 2020

K

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Sahitthian 🤗
08:34 Oct 13, 2020

Wonderful story. I had find a lot of mistakes.Keep writing.Well written.Keep going.Very good.

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Miles Gatling
16:57 Oct 08, 2020

I think it's an interesting style of storytelling. In stand-up comedy there is a style called cringe comedy. To the untrained eye it would look like it's not funny. I'm not sure if you applied the same principles when you give abundant information or use "tell". You may be testing the waters. Nonetheless, keep writing. I did like the devotion between your friends.

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Hriday Saboo
06:09 Oct 09, 2020

Thanks a lot Miles

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11:02 Oct 08, 2020

nice!

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Hriday Saboo
11:03 Oct 08, 2020

Thank sia

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Sahitthian 🤗
06:38 Nov 11, 2020

This is a wonderful story.

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Hriday Saboo
16:04 Nov 11, 2020

Thanks

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Sahitthian 🤗
17:26 Nov 11, 2020

Welcome

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Hriday Saboo
11:43 Nov 12, 2020

👍

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Sahitthian 🤗
15:22 Nov 12, 2020

👍

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Orenda ♤
18:41 Oct 17, 2020

hi wise sir, this bag asks you read her story and share your feedback. She'll reward you with some delicious, spicy fingers ;)

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Hriday Saboo
07:49 Oct 18, 2020

Suree

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Orenda ♤
07:52 Oct 18, 2020

thenkss

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Orenda ♤
06:52 Oct 17, 2020

Oooh, I liked the plot, pretty creative. But, I feel like your characters were dumped all at once, so it was a bit difficult to navigate who is who. Then, there's some grammatical mistakes that can be corrected if you just go through the story again. I know the story's been approved, but I guess, you can keep these in mind for your future stories. Also, I'd suggest removing the notes for readers wherever in the story. Anyway, well done, Hriday! :D

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Hriday Saboo
13:20 Oct 17, 2020

Thanks a bag of spiced fingers XD

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Orenda ♤
14:03 Oct 17, 2020

lmaoo, yes no problem!

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10:09 Oct 15, 2020

It's an interesting story. You gave a lot about how friends react to each other in certain situations. It was great. Here for the critique circle, by the way. To improve, I think telling us who those people are at the start could go a long way in a satisfying read. What do I mean? At the start, you dumped too many characters all at once that it got too hard placing them in the lines. What happens to the rest of us who don't even know who the characters are? Tieing everything together and telling the reader who e.g Ronnie is could make the s...

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Hriday Saboo
10:17 Oct 15, 2020

Thanks Abigail

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Jerlin Johnson
05:46 Oct 15, 2020

Nice way of narrating the story, I really liked yours style. And the parts where, you as the author speaks to the readers in between the story seemed really good. It was a funny and light story and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. There were a few spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. And personally, I feel that the story was kind of rushed. Like everything happened so quick and the flow of the story into different scenes happened a bit too fast. And another thing is that, there were a few parts that seemed quite unrealistic. Okay, I ...

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Trisha Munim
05:55 Oct 14, 2020

The story was really funny and very compelling. I'd love to try more stories from you.

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Hriday Saboo
12:08 Oct 14, 2020

Thanks. You could read my other stories as well and do share your feedback

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Keerththan 😀
05:43 Oct 13, 2020

This was very funny and creative! The crow shit is really funny. You make a of grammatical mistakes. But, that isn't a problem right now... This was a wonderful story. The names were also really good. Well written. Keep writing.

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Hriday Saboo
07:32 Oct 13, 2020

Thanks keerththan

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Keerththan 😀
07:35 Oct 13, 2020

Welcome!

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Hriday Saboo
08:00 Oct 13, 2020

👍🏻

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Hriday Saboo
08:00 Oct 13, 2020

👍🏻

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Keerththan 😀
08:02 Oct 13, 2020

🤗

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Nunya Business
19:16 Oct 20, 2020

Can you upvote me please

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Sure thing!! I just did!

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