To all my Instagram followers,
Let me make this clear. I’m not making this post to apologize. I ain’t apologizing to any of you haters out there. This cancel culture that I have been a victim of is toxic, and when you send toxicity into the world, it will come to poison you right back, just like Mama always says. I am me, in all my me-ness, and I’m not letting anybody threaten my me-dom. You do you, but you stay out of my business. The only reason I’m posting this is to clear things up and set the record straight. I’m not letting all of this gossip ruin my reputation.
To begin, let’s begin with the beginning. Many of you have expressed disappointment over some of my recent social media activity. To this I say: NOT. MY. PROBLEM. It’s not because I have ten thousand followers that I automatically need to be a role model. Some of you say taking a selfie with a zombie is irresponsible, that it’s reckless endangerment. Others say I have some nerve to even post at all because the Zombie Apocalypse allegedly started at my Halloween party. Both claims are stupid. Like, totally stupid.
Anybody can take a selfie anywhere with anyone. That’s written in the Constitution, and I don’t think any of my followers would dare to go against the wishes of the Founding Fathers by suppressing my selfie rights. If one of you does, I will gladly go take this up with the Supreme Court and sue you for the millions of dollars you owe me in defamation.
Ever since the Apocalypse started, zombies have been everywhere. Like, literally everywhere. Am I supposed to stay locked up and never take a selfie again? Like, should I also stop breathing? Once in a while, if I go outside for a jog and take out my cellphone for a profile pic, it may happen one of them creeps up in the frame. It’s not like I’m encouraging my fans to go near them or anything. They just happen to be there! Besides, I’m still alive, so can they really be that dangerous?
I know zombies kill people, and the selfie wasn’t meant to disrespect those they have attacked. Contrary to what people think, I wasn’t doing it for attention. Did I just happen to be sporting makeup from my brand new Living Dead Palette (now available on my website, link below)? Yes, it was a total coincidence! It’s just such a killer palette, how can I not wear it whenever I go out? Only bad mouths say it was a publicity stunt, as if!
Anyway, I would like to point out that something positive did come out of this experience: the whole thing proved by side-by-side comparison that my Dark Soul blush and my Tombstone eyeshadow are the most realistic on the market right now. I could have blended right in with this undead guy! If you had doubts, doubt no more: the Living Dead Palette is perfect for all of your Apocalypse-themed events and will breathe death-defying life into your next Halloween party. Take that Kylie!
Which brings me to my next point. That infamous Halloween party, during which the Apocalypse allegedly started. Rumours have been rampant about what really happened on that night, so how about you hear it from the truth-teller herself?
This girl Suzie always acted so weird in class. Like, she went straight to the Auditorium at lunch every day to practice her violin and impress the guys eavesdropping backstage, which is totally random. Who does that, really? Sure, she had some charm and all with her mysterious smile and her magic musical fingers or whatever, but being able to play Mozart doesn’t mean you’re all that. I would like to point out her concealer was never applied properly, and that’s a real deal-breaker for most guys.
Everybody secretly thought she was a freak. Jessica in my gym class said she saw her playing in the cemetery at midnight while walking back from Tyler Baker’s Fourth of July party over the summer. She Shazam-ed the music and apparently it was some crazy piece called Danse Macabre. I don’t know, I don’t listen to EDM.
Now, for some obscure reason, my twin brother Jeff became super infatuated with her in our senior year. He kept going on and on about how she was a prodigy and played melodies he couldn’t even imagine in his wildest dreams – honestly, he legit sounded like a stalker, which is fine you know, had he been stalking SOMEONE ELSE. It was probably because her YouTube subscribers were going up at the time. Jeff is so thirsty for fame, I’m sure he was secretly hoping she would start vlogging and feature him in a video or something.
I couldn’t let this freak become my sister-in-law. Can you imagine? MY sister-in-law. Coming to ruin MY Cinderella story. No way. I had no choice but to start calling her names. Snotty Suzie, Scary Suzie, Salty Suzie. I tried them all, and none stuck. It was tragic. All my friends were suddenly turning against me by refusing to make it part of the vernacular.
Worst of all, Jeff overstepped big time: he invited her to my Halloween party! My senior year Halloween party, the one last chance I had at throwing a truly great high school soirée. I was furious, rightfully so. Luckily for me, while all of us girls were dressed in cool cat costumes, she showed up wearing Grim Reaper costume. Didn’t she watch Mean Girls? Of course you’re going to get made fun of if you don’t know how to dress hip. Go hard or go home. We all laughed until we almost passed out, that’s how ridiculous she looked.
To all of you shaming me about bullying, I have one question: how was I supposed to know she really had superpowers? Honestly, the whole bullied-girl-with-psychokinetic-powers-and-a-taste-for-revenge trope is just so tired. They tried to make us read Carrie in Freshman year and I just couldn’t get through it. It’s written in this abysmal epistelarian narration or whatever it’s called and it’s borderline unreadable. I watched the movie instead (the remake, because the original was way too old), and I think I fell asleep for part of it. See, I had no reference to properly assess the situation.
So suddenly, in the middle of the party, she pulls out her violin and starts playing the freaky Danse Macabre tune. We keep making fun of her at first, but out of nowhere we start hearing uninvited guest banging on the doors and windows, even though the party was only for those who RSVPed. You know me, if you don’t have an invite, you’re usually not getting in, but they were kind of aggressive. It’s only when the windows started breaking we realized they were zombies.
Some “scientific experts” are saying the girl can use sound waves to induce cerebral activity in dead bodies, but I’m not sure I believe that. I mean, where’s the evidence? They said in biology causation doesn’t prove correlation. I’m like ninety percent sure that’s what the teacher said.
All of this to say, the zombies started eating my guests, which was of really poor taste. Guess they don’t know much about respecting your host’s hospitality. Whatever. They bred like that (I’m snapping my fingers as I write this) and took over the city by the time dawn broke. Sucks for my uncle, he was the Mayor and really hoped to run for re-election, but he got devoured. Too bad.
I mean, yeah, the Apocalypse might have started at my party, but that’s what parties are for! To be wild, young and free. A few zombies aren’t going to stop us, and if I have to take a selfie with every single undead guy walking the earth to prove it, then I better clear my camera roll and get started. If I get cancelled over it, then I shall be cancelled a martyr for the cause.
Speaking of, I see a bunch of them coming up down the road. Time to make a statement, girls! Going live on Insta in five minutes, be ready to see how the Living Dead Palette holds up. XOXO, see you on the livestream!
Your favorite doomsday influencer,
Go to tory4real.com to purchase the Living Dead Palette!