Lousy Narrator

Submitted for Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

3 comments

Sep 22, 2020

Funny Fantasy Drama

Cold air bit into my lungs as I thrust foot in front of foot on the ground, running so fast my head was hurting. My calves felt like they were burning. I wasn’t used to running so fast.

A small exclamation escaped my lips as I spotted my destination in front of me. I sighed in relief.

There they are.

Two burly men were standing tête à tête, spitting venom at each other through their glares. One was a bit shorter than the other, and wore a strange kind of red armor. The other was leaner but towered over his opponent, in a more complicated stance and blue chainmail. The latter of them started, much to my distaste, “I will obliterate-”

“Hey, hey, hey! Stop… stop! I’m sorry I’m late” I yelled, panting, as I stopped running. The two craggy faces turned to me in annoyance.

“Why didn’t you wait for me? There was a really nice graveyard on the way here. I had to stop to narrate that—”, I was rudely interrupted by the tall man, “You are intruding on our epic fight scene, little man!”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I don’t think you know who I am, big guy”

The other man whispered, “Let’s get this over with, opponent”, and then turned to me with a frown, “Who are you, little man?”

“Stop calling me little man!”

“We would if you told us your name!”

“I’m the Narrator!”

I puffed my chest as I spoke. It seemed to have an effect on them, for there was a long silence. I mentally gave myself a high-five. They were probably realizing how rudely they had spoken to a man of such greatness as me and thinking of ways they could ask for my forgiveness. I know the feeling, sometimes I astonish myself with my greatness.

But finally, the shorter man spoke up in such a phlegmatic manner all my self-esteem was painfully sucked away.

“…which means?”

I was furious, “which means that I’m here to narrate your epic battle to our readers, you dimwits!”

A singular “Oh” was muttered by the both of them.

I shook my head in incredulity and cleared my throat-

“Once upon a time, in the little kingdom of Draupnir, people of all ages, classes and creeds lived in perfect harmony. Peaceful was everything—Ughh—Everything was peaceful, till two groups within the kingdom, the Rakorrs and the Hemlies, had a conflict. What followed was- or is it were?”

I looked at the two of them for assistance.

“I’m illiterate” one shrugged.

“Same” the other muttered.

I sighed and continued-

“-fifty years of war and bloodshed. The monarchy was uprooted. Now instead of peace, terror hung in every corner of the city. It was a terrible apocalypse. Crying children, dead bodies, became a usual sight-”

“Hey, man- how long are you gonna take? This epic fight is like- really important, ya know?”

I glared at him. The two men slumped on the floor with heavy sighs, and sat down crisscross-applesauce.

“But this war, was unusual. Neither the Rakorrs nor the Hemlies won. Battle- followed by deaths- and on the cycle went. Soon it became Sisyphean. Finally- this is where you guys come in, get up!- the war was brought to a close, and it was declared… that the only way to declare- aw man I said it two times- a victor was to have an individual battle between the leaders.”

“Leading the Rakkors was the one and only- what in the world is your name?”

The tall man stuck his nose up in the air and muttered, “Riefer the Great, Leader of-”

“-Riefer. He was a tall man with an air of greatness about him. His nose was a bit odd, though-”

“Hey!”

“The Hemlies were strong too. Leading them was-”

“Igor Hashbarean Lonalvalzodotsch Harmorian Hemliekerafer Judovi-”

“-Igor the long-named. Their fight was-”

“Hey, hey, you’re being partial here. How come this old guy gets two lines and I don’t even get one?”

“-one the whole country awaited. And lo and behold, it was just about to begin- guys, take position!”

“Finally!”

“the two of them stood face to face, their eyes hard in a glare. It was difficult to determine who had the upper hand, because both of them-”

“One second! I think my boot’s stuck. Help me”

Igor rolled his eyes and tried to assist Riefer get his boot out. I started, “I’ll continue with the description meanwhile”

“-seemed to be equally powerful. They both had equally disturbing noses, too.”

The two of them glared at me.

“Mystery hung in the air as they stood glaring at each other. They were about to fight- no no that’s horrible- The fight was about to begin.”

The two of them finally managed to get into position.

“Rakorr-” I was interrupted by a huge clang that followed. A flying object whizzed pass my ear, missing it by a few inches, and landed right beside Igor’s foot.

I flipped around in surprise, to see a masked figure crouching on the ground. His ferret-like eyes were visible through a slit in the mask, and he seemed to be glaring at the two leaders.

“What the hell?” Riefer yelled.

“We are in the middle of something, young ma-” Igor never got the chance to finish.

My eyes were wide in admiration, “Dude that was so cool”

I continued, “I knew it! I knew there had to be a young, slim main character who would show up and destroy both of them! The Narrator’s instinct never fails! I knew it!

The main character frowned in confusion through his mask as I did a little happy dance on the spot.

“Stay right there! I’ll have to narrate your greatness to the readers!”

I cleared my throat. Finally my time to be a partial narrator had come.

“-but what they didn’t know, was that there was one man who could defeat both of them, with one hand tied behind his back. Tall, handsome, and fair- wait are you fair?”

I tugged at his mask. The man yelled exasperatedly, “What in the world, dude? What is wrong with you? I came to kill-”

From the corner of my eye I could see Riefer and Igor simultaneously drop their weapons with huge sighs.

Riefer put an arm over Igor’s shoulder and asked, “Ice- cream?”

Igor replied, “Vanilla”

“Aw man, have you tasted the Butterscotch they serve at Whaco’s? It’s sooo much better”

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3 comments

Aisa M
14:56 Oct 01, 2020

From Critique Circle: This is downright funny. The idea of the narrator talking to the characters is a cool take on this. Keep writing!

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Tannistha Nandi
08:05 Oct 02, 2020

Thank you!

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Sanjay Agarwal
11:04 Sep 29, 2020

keep doing keep going

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