Zombies Sound Safer Than My Family

Submitted for Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

156 comments

Submitted on 09/19/2020

Categories: Funny

Most people are scared after and during an apocalypse. Am I?


Nah.


I basically run around with LOSER tattooed on my forehead; I'm sure a few zombies aren't scarier than half the bullies at Gire High School.


I'm that Harry Potter nerd. The computer nerd. The Percy Jackson nerd. Guess what?


I'm a nerd.


You know, in case you haven't noticed.


Want to know what's ironic? My best friend is captain of the football team. Boy, does that have its advantages. My bestie can beat up Andrew Vanderwalk, Jake "The Pit (DON'T ask, you'll regret it)" Jackson, and about 18 other buff guys. It has its disadvantages, if you could believe it. Ben is male. I am female.


Yup.


I know exactly what you were just thinking.


A boy and a girl? Wow, they should kiss.


That's what everybody thinks, so yeah.


Just about now, I'm thinking that too. Not gonna lie. Considering we just witnessed a zombie apocalypse, I'm sure one little kiss wouldn't hurt. Or two. Or fifteen. Or more than kissing...


OKAY.


That escalated quickly.


But then again, so did this town.


I'm not gonna go into detail, but a super smart, super pretty, super forgivable 17-year-old genius created a portal to the fourth dimension that may or may not have made a gateway for thousands of zombies to come waltzing into the town of Gire, hurt a few people, and die the second the sun came out the next day.


If you hadn't already guessed, I'm the super smart, super pretty, super forgivable (you know, in case you missed that part) genius that started a zombie apocalypse. Buuuut... nobody knows it was me.


I should feel guilty.


But come on, people. Don't you realize what scientific discovery I just made? Being able to travel to other dimensions? Yeah. Who's the nerd now?


Pff.


Still me.


Too bad the machine self-destructed after a very nice girl hit the self-destruct button.


Me?


Of course not.


Maybe.


Yes.


I did destroy the only thing that could make me popular. God, I'm stupid.


Not really. But you know what I mean.


Sooooo...that's pretty much it.


I nearly destroyed my town, I'm still a nerd, and I'm still thinking about how to explain to my family it was me who released thousands of zombies from another dimension into our peaceful, (mostly) loving town without getting myself killed.


Right about now, I'm guessing I would have been safer with the zombies.


How did I even get myself into this?


Oh, you're gonna be sorry you asked that.


How about, "Oh, it's alright, Callie. I'm sure your loving and understanding family and friends can forgive you, because you're so beautiful and smart!"


Yeah, nobody's ever going to say that to me.


They'll probably say the opposite of that.


And then kill me.


I'm really starting to think I should have called a zombie uber or something.


I've actually been working on Mike (yes, I named a magical portal) for about 2 years now. Well, I've technically only been working on Mike for 3 months.


Jared, Kelly, Jim, Ophelia, and Greg went boom.


I guess Mike did, too, if you think about it. But at least he did his job.


Good for nothing portals that can bring their inter-dimensional friends to destroy a town, am I right?


You're probably wondering how I'm taking this so well. Wanna know something?


I am too.


Ooh. Bingo.


I have a plan.


Step 1: Gather everything I need to create Jessica (my future portal).


Step 2: Build Jessica.


Step 3: Use Jessica to travel to some other dimension so my family won't murder me for almost destroying the entire town.


Yep, I would say that's a pretty solid plan.


Or maybe I should take the zombie uber. I could take Ben with me and we could get married and get rich from the billions I'll make as a scientist and we can buy a big house and get a gerbil-no, a dog- named Hermie. (For a super smart junior in highschool, I, apparently, suck at grammar; please refer to the run-on sentence above if you didn't notice.)


Nah, that won't work. My lab blew up when Mike self-destructed.


Maybe my family won't be hard on me. Maybe they'll understand that their daughter is a brilliant genius. Maybe they'll understand that nobody died, and that they love me.





Pff.



Ha.



BWAHAHAHA.


Let's be honest. That is not a possibility. And besides, my sister, little miss perfect, who has won countless beauty pageants, broke her wrist because she punched an inter-dimensional zombie in the face, and its head promptly rolled off.


That's really too bad. I'm sure that zombie could drive.


If my parents found out that it's my fault my sister can't attend any more pageants in the near future because she has a bulky cast on....once again, I'm missing the zombies.


It's been 3 days since the zombies evaporated in the sunlight (is anybody else getting a Minecraft vibe from that???), and the town is slowly recovering. The grocery stores just reopened, and my parents think there's going to be pageants anytime soon?


Some people were not blessed with the smarts that I was.


Anyway.


I'm bored.


Everything is shut down, there's nothing to do, and a freaking zombie ate my sketchbook.


Come on, guys. You really had to take my only source of entertainment?


Yes, I've been talking to Ben and hanging out with him, but there's only so much you can know about a person. Especially considering I've been talking to Ben and hanging out with him for 15 years.


Here I am, talking about this, when I should be deciding if I should tell everybody that I caused everything.


Not really.


I already know I'm not. I like my life.


And besides, if I did?


Well, let's say the bullies from school would look like butterflies compared to what that would be like.


Maybe someday I'll tell them.


Over text.


When I'm in a different state.

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156 comments

I LOVED the way the humor was in this story!! Great job! :)

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Zea Bowman
23:52 Oct 01, 2020

Thanks!

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Molly Leasure
20:57 Sep 19, 2020

This is a real laugh! I love the idea that we're basically just sitting down with her as she's telling this story, like it's just a normal lunch conversation. And I think the ending is very well done! Great work! It is definitely opposite from the genre I chose haha!

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Zea Bowman
21:09 Sep 19, 2020

Thank you!

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Rajiv Laloo
06:20 Oct 01, 2020

Great story... super funny and super smart..probably written by a super smart, super pretty and super forgivable genius writer.... I hope you win😁👍👍

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Zea Bowman
23:54 Oct 01, 2020

Me too...but there are so many great stories out there that have the potential to win...they just aren't seen and don't get much acknowledgement. Thanks!

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Zea Bowman
23:54 Oct 01, 2020

Haha I just noticed what you did there ;)

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Chris B
19:42 Sep 29, 2020

Story had me cracking up! I loved it! Absolutely great and love the fast-paced way of reading it. The narrator was the absolute best and I adored her! Reminded me a lot of an A. Lee Martinez novel. Great job!

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Zea Bowman
14:16 Sep 30, 2020

Thanks! Do you mind reading my new one? Thanks so much if you do. Also, which of your stories would you recommend to me? I would love to come check a couple out.

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Chris B
20:46 Sep 30, 2020

You may like “Clavius Club” or “Floating”. Of course I’ll check out your newest.

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Zea Bowman
23:51 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you!

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Chris B
02:29 Oct 02, 2020

Of course!

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Thom Brodkin
19:34 Sep 29, 2020

Hilarious!!! I am a pretty funny guy in real life but I can't write funny very well so I am impressed by people who can. This was so unique. I loved every part of her personality especially her honesty. I can see this character getting her own Saturday morning cartoon. There is so many other stories she could tell. Great job. Great read. I wrote a story called "Endless Love" using one of the other prompts. If you have a mind to, give me read and let me know what you think. I'll even take a like if I earn it. :-)

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Zea Bowman
20:24 Sep 29, 2020

Of course! Thank you!

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Simon Walter
13:01 Sep 29, 2020

I loved this story! Very well written

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Zea Bowman
23:56 Oct 01, 2020

Thanks!

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Keerththan 😀
09:27 Sep 28, 2020

This is wonderful, Zea. I loved the hilarious atmosphere and the concept is new. No body loves zombies, except Callie. It's very creative and I love this. One thing I have for critique, When you said Ben is male and I am female. I thought for a while and reread. Ben was a new name and you could have said that my best friends name is Ben. Its a slight confusion. But, as the story went on, I understood that her friend is Ben Other than that, great story. Keep writing. Would you mind reading my new story in the same prompt and give som...

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Zea Bowman
13:42 Sep 28, 2020

Of course! Thank you for your feedback!

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Keerththan 😀
13:43 Sep 28, 2020

Thanks! Welcome! Glad to help!

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Zea Bowman
23:51 Oct 01, 2020

:)

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Keerththan 😀
09:14 Oct 02, 2020

:)

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K. Antonio
17:24 Sep 27, 2020

I just loved the narrative style of all of this! It was great, it read like a comic book. Funny, witty, sarcastic, everything that can make a short story a great read. Even the unrealistic "girl-genius started The Apocalypse" tidbits are funny and make us forget about the plausibility of everything. Its great, I liked it a lot and laughed loads. It's not a conventional story, but it's still funny and entertaining nonetheless. There's an ease to this story.

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Zea Bowman
23:56 Oct 01, 2020

Thanks!

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Kirsten Pearl
07:27 Sep 27, 2020

I liked this! It had the conversational flow which made it a fast and easy read. Nicely paced and funny too. Had me laughing out loud twice :) I don't have any critiques. I'm not really good at those. But I'm working on it. Until next time. Anyway, when possible, could you read my first story? Thanks!

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Zea Bowman
13:28 Sep 27, 2020

Of course!

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03:48 Sep 27, 2020

The title hooked right away and it was an amazing story! I loved the style and the unique writing technique! Overall a really good read. Can't critique this

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Zea Bowman
23:57 Oct 01, 2020

Wow! Thanks :)

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Ola Hotchpotch
18:40 Sep 26, 2020

Wow. This is funny. Who is the character talking to? Cross connection?

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Zea Bowman
20:58 Sep 26, 2020

Thanks! Talking to the reader. Sort of like 2nd person. :)

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Kathleen March
22:57 Sep 22, 2020

I liked the rhythm of the narrative, but confess to being confused as to what is actually happening. Maybe I need more directive, so apologize if so. Or perhaps I see an apocalypse as something different.

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Zea Bowman
23:58 Oct 01, 2020

Thanks!

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21:12 Sep 22, 2020

I appreciate the energy in this. And some of the language is very fun. Yet it doesn't work in a conventional storytelling sense (development-conflict-resolution) nor in the parable/satire/parody sense that begs the reader to think differently about something. You should consider those two approaches and frame your prose within them. Hope you find this constructive! :)

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Zea Bowman
21:16 Sep 22, 2020

I did, thank you, and I'll think about that for future stories.

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20:36 Sep 21, 2020

The style you used is fascinating! I love reading "choppy thoughts" type of writing if that makes any sense. Everything was splendid - I couldn't find any errors or things to critique. Great work! Keep writing!! P.S. Would you mind checking out my stories? I would appreciate it. Thanks! ~Adrienne

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Zea Bowman
20:37 Sep 21, 2020

Thanks! Of course!

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Skyler Woods
18:10 Sep 21, 2020

I feel so sorry for Callie! I hope she can recover from this. Maybe she can get her sketchbook back!

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Zea Bowman
21:13 Sep 22, 2020

Maybe I can somehow incorporate a Part 2 in another prompt...

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Skyler Woods
22:04 Sep 22, 2020

That sounds cool. I'd like that.

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01:55 Oct 01, 2020

Oh yeah! Lol, that would be amazing!

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Zea Bowman
23:52 Oct 01, 2020

Fingers crossed I can make it work...:)

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16:01 Sep 21, 2020

Quite a different story. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work :) :)

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Zea Bowman
21:13 Sep 22, 2020

Thank you!

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10:04 Sep 21, 2020

Hey, Zea would you be kind to watch the first video it's on Harry potter. https://youtu.be/KxfnREWgN14 Sorry for asking your time, I would ready your story

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Zea Bowman
23:52 Oct 01, 2020

Sure!

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Len Mooring
02:58 Sep 21, 2020

Loved it. Had a smile on my face all through and even giggled. Great title.

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Zea Bowman
21:14 Sep 22, 2020

Glad to hear it :D

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Meggy House
20:39 Sep 20, 2020

Ha! This was such a funny story! I love how casually Callie's internal monologue went, like "Hmmm, people are really mean, oh by the way should I time-travel or should I not because there are literal zombies in my town!" You managed to balance the apocalypse and it's direness with Callie's more dire immediate-danger. I especially love how Callie ultimately decides that the zombies might have been nice to use to her benefit, and the humans are the ones she doesn't really like. Way to switch the dynamic! Ultimately, this was a pretty awesome s...

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Zea Bowman
21:14 Sep 22, 2020

Thank you! That means a lot!

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Amany .
16:49 Sep 20, 2020

This was AWESOME! I absolutely adore the ending. I was just thinking about how I don't think I could pull off a completely funny story, and this was the definition of pulling it off. I love it. Keep writing!

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Zea Bowman
20:04 Sep 20, 2020

Thank you for the kind words! I think you should definitely try it :)

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Amany .
20:07 Sep 20, 2020

You are very welcome! Maybe :)

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Zea Bowman
20:10 Sep 20, 2020

If you do, please let me know so I can come check it out. Looking forward to your maybe-soon-existing story! Haha that made no sense. I crack myself up.

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Amany .
20:11 Sep 20, 2020

I'll be sure to! :D Ha, I can see how a funny person like you could do so ;)

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Amany .
15:46 Sep 22, 2020

Ooo I wrote it if you wanna take a look!

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Zea Bowman
23:52 Oct 01, 2020

SO GOOD

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