Submitted on 09/02/2020

Categories: Mystery Thriller

Starla- 

What seemed to me like a sudden thump,

entered my spine like a hole inside a heart

Aghast

I felt awoken by a surprise

Colour pouring down, 

Limbs full of pain

A canvas that only held the darkness of blood.

Sweet noises evoked.

Yet only danger hid within,

‘Death is like the coal that fire leaves behind’. Like I had always told myself.


‘Time passes like a horse’s gallop.

Their hooves hitting the ground like waves overlapping sand. The waves like a bride’s dress as she dances in the moonlight.’

Whispered a voice from behind. 

I was in a room. It scared me to realise that I went to sleep in my bedroom. Yet, I woke up here. 

My chest pounding hard, rawness awoke.

My shoulders felt slumped and sore,

‘I’m here, here to help’ whispered a person to my ear.

Wrapping their hand around my face, stroking it like the fur of a pliable bunny.

‘Here to help the world see you once again, we as humans must remember that time goes fast, and every fairy tale has an ending’. 

I shivered, my heart beating faster than a drum. Moments of my past went flashing through my head, images of my mother, father and sister surrounding me.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw my mum rush through the door, tears running through her eyes. 

‘Please, please don’t take my baby girl. I love her, just please.’ My mum screamed tears flooding the room as my eight-year-old self-stood waiting.

‘Time has come’ the person said. 

'Mummy I love you too' I smiled. I looked over at my mum as she hung her head through the door, the saddest I had ever seen her.

The person held tight to my head cackling, as the room flashed red.

And I saw nothing.


Medar-

The day my sister died, haunted many. My mum still remembered poking her head into the pantry seeing a woman holding Starla's head. I wasn't home that time, but when I arrived home along with my dad all I could see was my sister dead on the ground. Along with my mum crying the life out of her. 

The killer had left, leaving no trace behind. 

Only fear sadness,

anger,

tears

had left themselves behind.

No money could make me forget her smile.

no words could fix the damage.

My sister's life ended short, 

But she is safe now and so am I.


Arden- 

I looked up at the stars, remembering my presence

My teeth and jaw, sore of smiling 

‘Stars are the light of imagination,

But nothing could retain my pain.’ 

Tears of sadness lifted me up.

I felt Starla’s presence,

Beside me.

The death of Starla was unknown, her body was taken away the night after. 

It was all across the news, she was an angel 

‘Fly high Starla, you are the star that let out my inner stout’ I cried 

I looked up to the stars,

Pure grace and elegance left my heart shuttered to the ground.


Starla’s mother-

I was never wrong, never right.

I commemorate the time she left us, but it was me.

I was the reason she left us.

I still remember that day.

Third of September.

‘Please, it’s not hard,’ I begged as I looked straight into Mary’s eyes.

Ocean’s waves sailing, like a leaf floating across a river.

Glittering in the moonlight, leaving a trail of shells to wonder.

Sun beaming, shooting rays of light.

Light brighter than a star.


Mary’s eyes pondered across the room, 

She placed her hand on mine, I could feel the softness spreading through my hand. ‘I could, I know you’ve only wanted one child. I understand she was a mistake, but she’s your daughter.’ 

I gulped as I could feel the sweat drip through my lungs, lungs protecting a cold, dark heart. 

‘Not loving your daughter is one thing but hiring someone to kill them is yet another. 

You were blessed with a beautiful daughter, why waste it?’ Mary looked into my eyes with concern, but her voice was so soft, yet so sweet. I scratched my head in regret, as I opened my mouth to speak. 

‘She was a mistake; I had the perfect life without her. You’re my friend and killing someone is fine by me. I promise I promise I’ll make you famous.’ I saw the spark of joy light up in her eyes, like pearl lighting up in an ocean.

‘But how? I would be a criminal’ asked Mary softly, I knew deep down it was bad, but she was a mistake. 

‘I’ll tell everyone you caught the killer, the ‘’real’’ killer. I’ll tell them you saw the murderer run across the street. I promise you will become famous, and when you do kill her I’ll pretend to cry, pretend to miss her’ I smiled coldly.

I could see the fear in Mary's eyes.

The ocean was dark and stormy,

birds crashing, sinking, dying,

clouds dark, fading, decaying.

No waves leaving trails of shells, only piles of plastic.


'i'll do it for fame' Mary replied coldly,

 just that second I could see the last bird dying, as it disintegrates into the air.


It's been years now, Mary was across every newspaper. The rumour went from her seeing the murderer to her apparently saving Starla's life. Mary's an actor now, living a celebrity life. I still remember when we were still children. I watched her eyes as seagulls danced in the ocean.

I watched as the waves overlapped the sand, like a beautiful painting. 


I still look into Mary's eyes,

all I see is dead birds floating across the water,

dull, gloomy skies filled with pollution and smoke. 

Bottles scattering the sand.

Bottles filled with death and coal, coal left over from the life-changing fires. The fires like the lives we'd ruined, but more like the lives, I've ruined.


I still remember that day, I was a selfish, self-centred devil.

For not only is the reason for my daughter's death my fault but for turning an angel into a devil.

I can imagine looking into my eyes, only seeing darkness because all my oceans died. 

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176 comments

Chrissy Lemon
04:22 Sep 03, 2020

Hello anyone reading this! I was wondering what genre you would classify this story as? I put it as Mystery, but I was thinking it's maybe a thriller. If any of you guys know what you would classify it as it would really help. Thanks for reading -Sarah. H

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Keerththan 😀
08:36 Sep 10, 2020

Thriller would also be great. You can put both mystery and thriller.

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Chrissy Lemon
23:04 Sep 10, 2020

Okay thanks

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Brooke D. ❤
20:33 Sep 02, 2020

Hello, Sarah. You asked me to read this story, so here I am. This story was dark, and twisted. The pain that everyone felt was so real that I could feel it myself. Your description was spot on - I could picture everything in my head. The fact that Starla's mother had Mary murder Starla was devastating. And the pain that she felt at the end didn't help. I would love to read more stories of yours. Keep writing and stay healthy, Brooke D.

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Chrissy Lemon
23:00 Sep 02, 2020

Thank you for the feedback!

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Brooke D. ❤
21:50 Sep 03, 2020

My pleasure!

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Audrey S
11:19 Sep 02, 2020

Omg - this is so good! I didn’t expect the ending at all. And, when Starla died it actually made me feel sad. It’s so well written and perfectly described.

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Chrissy Lemon
22:57 Sep 02, 2020

Thank you

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Rhondalise Mitza
02:45 Sep 06, 2020

Hi, Sarah! Hope you're doing well! This story was a roller coster for sure, and like roller coasters, there some dips in the writing I'd just like to mention, but before that, know I believe 100% in you and your stories and this feedback is meant as a way of helping, not of taking you or your writing down at all. :) -You had a very decidedly dark tone thought the story, which was great for the story, obviously, but make sure you're staying consistent with your narrative. Not that you can't switch characters, only that the tone maintains a ...

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Chrissy Lemon
04:58 Sep 06, 2020

Hi, Rhondalise Mitza. Thank you so much for literally the longest ever comment I've seen or I remember seeing. I was originally going to go the whole thing as a poem, then realising how difficult that would be so I just stuck with a narrative with a few poetic elements. This comment really helped so thank you so much for that! I'm doing good I think, I've been focusing on writing a lot more lately. Once again thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it, and I hope you're doing good too! ~Sarah

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Chrissy Lemon
06:03 Nov 10, 2020

Try writing a poem rn

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Dizzier Lemon
06:05 Nov 10, 2020

Okay wait a sec

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Chrissy Lemon
06:05 Nov 10, 2020

okay take ur time

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Dizzier Lemon
06:05 Nov 10, 2020

Idk how to start

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Chrissy Lemon
06:06 Nov 10, 2020

well what kind of nature do u want to write about?

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Chrissy Lemon
06:06 Nov 10, 2020

Like a swan or a river ect

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Dizzier Lemon
05:51 Nov 10, 2020

Hi got any advise on writing? I feel like I never feel motivated

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Chrissy Lemon
05:54 Nov 10, 2020

Yeah sure wait a sec ima grab something

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Chrissy Lemon
05:55 Nov 10, 2020

Okay so the first thing is that write for yourself rather than others.

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Chrissy Lemon
05:55 Nov 10, 2020

I write aton of stories not on reedsy just fr the enjoyment!

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Dizzier Lemon
05:57 Nov 10, 2020

Mmmm so like writing random stuff?

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Chrissy Lemon
05:57 Nov 10, 2020

well kinda

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Claire Tennant
00:15 Sep 10, 2020

Sarah, I loved the poetry style but confess I was a little confused until about the middle where things fell into place. While the idea was great, some of the images were hard to follow. However, that said the irony, the split personality, the ability to coerce Mary, even just a hint of guilt were realistic. I have read some of your evaluations also and feel the advice you received does not need reiteration. You write well , and for all of us writing is learning curve. Keep going, keep believing. Imagination is a very special gift as is ...

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Chrissy Lemon
01:55 Sep 10, 2020

Thank you so much! I might edit it a bit to make it a little less confusing

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08:24 Sep 05, 2020

Wow! I love this story, Sarah!!! It's so beautifully described, the twisted, dark plot was really intriguing! Awesome job! Happy Writing! Your fellow writer, SS

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Chrissy Lemon
08:29 Sep 05, 2020

Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel like a dark story is the easiest to write, but I'm pretty sure that's just me. Once again thank you!

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10:35 Sep 05, 2020

You're welcome! I love dark stories... they're just... mysterious and suspenseful! 😉

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Sam Kirk
02:51 Sep 04, 2020

Great plot - hiring someone to kill your daughter. However, I have to admit that it was slightly difficult to read at the beginning with the story being from different people's perspectives. And then, in the end, it says that Mary saved Starla's life. How? She's dead...

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Chrissy Lemon
02:56 Sep 04, 2020

Thanks, the bit where Mary said she 'saved' Starla's life was actually a rumour that made her famous. Sorry if I made it confusing

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Corey Melin
03:42 Sep 03, 2020

Enjoyed this read that reminded me of the old time writers where imagination was used in full. Superb. Also go in and add some upvotes.

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Chrissy Lemon
03:52 Sep 03, 2020

Thank you so much! Ima go on an upvoting spree for you! Expect a jump in Carma points

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Corey Melin
03:53 Sep 03, 2020

Thank you!

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John Del rio
03:03 Sep 03, 2020

haunting and ephemeral. like a very long haiku. different viewpoints represented including the victim/daughter and the conspirator/mother and the killer/fame seeker. keep writing good stuff like this so we can all enjoy it in the future.

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Chrissy Lemon
03:04 Sep 03, 2020

Thank you so much! :)

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Hallie Blatz
20:10 Sep 02, 2020

The way this story was written was very intriguing, it flowed like a poem but wasn’t quite one. It was a little confusing at times but other than that it was great.

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Chrissy Lemon
22:59 Sep 02, 2020

Thanks

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Sue Marsh
19:21 Sep 02, 2020

This is a very well constructed story, it is emotional and exciting to read. Keep writing. Thank you for reading my story My Uncle the Priest.

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Chrissy Lemon
22:59 Sep 02, 2020

Thank you and no problem!

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Velma Darnell
17:52 Sep 02, 2020

Wow, that's such a great story! It's emotional, captivating, and very well-written. Keep writing :)

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Chrissy Lemon
22:59 Sep 02, 2020

Thanks

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✰ jessica ✰
17:42 Sep 02, 2020

You poetically describe Starla's death fantastically. I love your descriptive words.

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Chrissy Lemon
22:58 Sep 02, 2020

Thanks

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Lily Kingston
15:35 Sep 02, 2020

I love the way this is written. :) It's so poetic! Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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Chrissy Lemon
22:58 Sep 02, 2020

Thanks

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15:32 Sep 02, 2020

Wow! that was a splendid one there. I loved your use of literary devices trying to connect the life of a dead girl with her environs specifically the ocean and the birds that seem to die anytime something goes wrong. A mother who pretends to cry after asking for her friend to kill her own daughter. That's a nice thriller. I love this story :)

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Chrissy Lemon
22:58 Sep 02, 2020

Thank you!

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23:11 Sep 02, 2020

Always welcome!

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Nandan Prasad
11:38 Sep 02, 2020

This is a brilliant story! Dark and emotional and the end, wow. Very, very well-written and keep writing!

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Chrissy Lemon
22:58 Sep 02, 2020

Thanks

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Viktoria Love
03:16 Nov 24, 2020

I really like the metaphor of eyes having oceans in them and that a person's eyes can show how dark their soul is. The ending was something I did not see coming but I like it the best because the descriptions are very vivid and I, as a reader, feel my veins running cold at the thought of a mother wanting her own daughter dead and a person actually killing just for fame. The way Mary became famous actually makes sense to me too. Just some constructive comments: - is this supposed to be poetry or prose (asking because of the format). It m...

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Chrissy Lemon
08:46 Nov 24, 2020

Thank you so much! I wasn't sure how to end it but I'm glad it made sense to you. I'm still not sure how old Starla would be but I would guess she would be young. Thanks for the feedback I'll try to use it in my next story! Once again thanks! -Chrissy

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18:22 Nov 06, 2020

Wait wait why are you deleting your stories😭😭did something happen?

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Chrissy Lemon
02:33 Nov 07, 2020

No, not much it's kinda a long story. But basically, I entered another local contest and I used this storyline except made it clearer and it was 6000 words. They have a strict no copyright rule meaning even though this is my original story so I had to delate my recent story. I guess I'm one of those perfectionists who can never be happy with their work and I also procrastinate far too much about this. Don't worry it's nothing to do with you- in fact, I really appreciated your feedback and made the re-done story even better! 😊 But, thanks ag...

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04:41 Nov 07, 2020

Ohhh okay!!! Well nice to know! I'm glad I helped you to improve! I hope everything goes well with the contest!!

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Chrissy Lemon
21:42 Nov 08, 2020

Thanks!

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