59 comments

Aug 24, 2020

Drama Romance Thriller

Caught in traffic is like my life before I left Elon, just a waste of time. There is a procession of headlights on the highway. Tail lights are snaking their way down the road and over the brow of a hill, cars bumper to bumper, exhaust fumes are belching out, blurring headlights through the driving rain. The highway has become a giant parking lot. I sigh and wait.


After waiting for what seemed like the longest hour of my life, I have finally arrived at my new working place. A place where I wouldn't be forced to breathe the same air as Elon. A place where I wouldn't be forced to do as he bids. A place that is no way related to him or is his. A place that is far, far away from him. I knock on my boss' door. As I enter his office unit, I keep my eyes downcast lest my boss notices my nervousness, lest he notices the beads of sweat that have broken out on my forehead. Lest he notices my cheeks that always redden when they don't have to. My boss clears his throat and begins, "Miss Gemma. Will you please take a seat?" Miss Gemma. Gemma. Gemma. As a reflex action, I look up and into his eyes. Elon


I am back at my unit now. How the heck is this possible? How on Earth did I end up with him again? I am frustrated and annoyed and confused. So many things at the same time when I hear a knock. A soft one. I wipe my damp face and pretend to brush off invisible dirt off my dress. "May I come in?" It is none other than Elon, of course. I nod hastily and began pacing forward and backward, in exasperation. "Miss Gemma, please sit down." Miss Gemma? How sweet. I grit my teeth, chew on my lip, and do everything to keep the anger in me composed, to not kill him on the spot. The temperature has suddenly dropped and all I can think of is our last night together: the night where he refused to recognize me when I was all alone, the night when I needed him the most. The night that was one of the most difficult nights of my life. The night that changed my life forever. Elon snaps his fingers, a clear indication to bring me back to reality. "Gemma..." he begins. But I don't let him continue and leave my own unit.


Today is a new day. And Elon hasn't arrived as yet. His assistant, Mark tells me that he has been stuck with some emergency. Good. He also handed a pile of thick files to me. He said I had to assess all of them. Not good. From the corner of my eyes, I see a new girl approaching me. "Hello. You are Gemma. The new worker. Right?" I nod in reply. The new girl keeps on talking and chewing gum , occasionally popping it when I see Elon approaching my cabin. Not again, I silently plead God. Unlike yesterday, he enters my cabin, without a knock. "Sia, we've got some new work. Please go to your unit right now." Sia. So her name is Sia. I stare hard at him, noticing how in some ways he hasn't changed even a bit from all those years ago. His r's and p's roll the same way too. Elon casts a look at me. A brief one and leaves. I remember our last night together, again.

'Elon, is this your wife? Do you have anything to do with Gemma?'

'No, I don't have anything to do with her. I don't know her. Please take her away.'

Please take her away. Please take her away.


"Do you know him?" It is Sia again. "Know who?" I reply, appearing disinterested from wherever her conversation is heading. Deep down, I know it is about Elon. "Know who?" I say again.

"Sir Elon. Do you know him from somewhere before?"

"I don't." I appear to be confident, lest she suspects something.

"But..." she lets her thoughts trail away, leaving me to wonder what she is up to.


"Sir Elon has called you in his unit. Right now." Mark's emphasis on 'right now' tells me that Elon summoning me in such a hurry has something to do with Sia's conversation from yesterday. I gulp down the last of my coffee and head out.


"Miss Gemma, these calculations are all wrong. Where were you while assessing them?" 

I was, as you would say, not mentally present, Elon. Mentally absent, Elon. Mentally absent. 

He looks into my eyes and I realize this is the first time he has made eye contact with me since I joined his workplace. The hazel in his eyes looks almost gray and his nose is more abridged than my last memory of it. In addition to the goatee, now he has got mustache too. I can't help but smile. In some way, he has changed since I last saw him. "Miss Gemma, the calculations," he says again. "They are all wrong. What have you done? If you carry on with this reckless behavior of yours, we will have to fire you."


I mouth the word ‘fire’ and smirk, raising my right brow soon afterwards. 


"Yes, fire." His eyes linger on mine as he reads my lips without any hindrance, like always. "Mark. Will you please leave the two of us? Alone."


Yes, please. I say without actually saying it.


Mark shoots a displeased look at me and leaves Elon's unit. Elon pushes away his chair and stumbles a little. Weird. He comes near to me. His breath is heavy as he speaks. "Miss Gemma, what is happening?" After all these years, he still knows how to do it: he knows how to pretend to be unaware of the thing he is clearly aware of. He knows how to disown someone. After all, that is exactly what he did all those years ago.



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59 comments

Zilla Babbitt
18:01 Aug 24, 2020

*ghost voice* ooh ooh a mystery! This is quite good! Abrupt ending and all, but you're getting better. I like the descriptions of the city, they were nicely vivid. I would delete the first three sentences; they're telling sentences and frankly not necessary in the story overall. Also, the ending's a bit too short, considering the amount of information that you give the reader about Elon and Gemma's new job (not much). It ends up a bit confusing. I like the cliffhanger, but I think there should be more information prior to the ending abou...

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Batool Hussain
03:58 Aug 25, 2020

Thank you Zilla for your true feedback. I'll take all this points into consideration:)

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Zilla Babbitt
15:00 Aug 29, 2020

No problem! I love the first sentence now, it's great and captures the emotion of the story really well.

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Hriday Saboo
16:48 Aug 30, 2020

Nice story Batool. And I have submitted my new story, do read it.

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Daniela Vaudrey
14:16 Aug 25, 2020

Really good story! I remember seeing pictures in a story of yours so I was wondering, how do you put pictures in a story?

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Batool Hussain
14:56 Aug 25, 2020

Thanks. Copy the picture you want to paste and paste it wherever you want to in the story :)

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Daniela Vaudrey
15:54 Aug 25, 2020

I tried that and it didn’t work. Do I have to do it on a computer instead of a phone?

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Batool Hussain
17:00 Aug 25, 2020

Not necessarily. I pasted the pictures while being on the phone.

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Daniela Vaudrey
17:17 Aug 25, 2020

Oh, ok. I’ll try again later. Thanks 😊

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Orenda ♤
08:58 Aug 25, 2020

Heyy pal, I saw your story in the activity and also you had mentioned about it in the group, so here I am:))) Very lighthearted and I'm already loving the characters. I, too, hope you come up with a second part if the prompts fit in right. I'm your fannnnnn

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Batool Hussain
12:55 Aug 25, 2020

Thankss

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Orenda ♤
13:06 Aug 25, 2020

welcssss

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B. W.
18:14 Aug 27, 2020

I think that this may be the first story of yours that i have read. it's really good and you did a great job with it. You should keep making stories here, i might go and check out some of your other stories as well. i'm going to give this story a 10/10 ^^ also i was wondering if you could maybe go check out "Goddess child" i'd like to see what you have to say.

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Batool Hussain
04:27 Aug 28, 2020

A 10/10? Thank you. I will see what I can do for you, sure!

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B. W.
13:19 Aug 28, 2020

No problem ^^ and thanks

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Paula Martinek
11:57 Aug 27, 2020

I hope there's a part two. I'm interested in reading more. My only comment is I thought his nose was more abridged to be a bit awkward. Otherwise good story.

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Batool Hussain
14:25 Aug 27, 2020

Thanks for your true opinion.

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N. Thorne
22:30 Aug 24, 2020

I liked this one! I read the comments below and it sounds like this is part of a longer story or there will be a part 2? There was a lot hinted at without a lot of explanation so if you do a part 2 I’m looking forward to reading it. Cause I definitely want to find out more!

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Batool Hussain
14:01 Aug 28, 2020

thankss

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Charles Stucker
19:18 Aug 24, 2020

"I knock on my boss' cabin's door" does the boss work in a ship? Here, a cabin is a room aboard a ship. Maybe change it throughout? Elon approaching my cabin. Not again, I silently plead God. Unlike yesterday, he enters my cabin, without a knock. "Sia, we've got some new work. Please go to your cabin right now" - You need a period when the quotes close and this should be its own paragraph. "He looks into my eyes and I realize that since I joined his workplace, this is for the first time he has made eye contact with me." Perhaps rewrite...

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Batool Hussain
05:04 Aug 25, 2020

I appreciate this comment so much, Charles. You're one of the many great writers on here and I'm pretty sure that you know that. Thank you so very much for your help every week. I've made some edits, if you don't mind could you please check them out? Thank you. And oh, I absolutely loved the suggested title.

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Charles Stucker
12:17 Aug 25, 2020

This is a lot better. You've got the focus where it needs to be- Gemma, and my confusion about which he you meant is resolved. Well done.

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Batool Hussain
12:54 Aug 25, 2020

Ooof! I feel so relaxed now, all thanks to you:)

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Evelyn ⭐️
18:18 Aug 24, 2020

Hey Batool. Evelyn here. I loved this story so much! It had a certain vibe to it that I really enjoyed. The detail was good, but maybe more in the end? If you have time I have some new stories out. Could you please check them out?

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Batool Hussain
13:03 Aug 25, 2020

Thanks. And, sure thing:)

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Deborah Angevin
11:21 Aug 31, 2020

I really love this; the descriptions were amazing, and the ending... that very last sentence made me want to read more of Elon & Gemma! P.S: would you mind checking my recent story out, "The Purple Sash"? Thank you :D

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Batool Hussain
11:23 Aug 31, 2020

Sure and thanks

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Wow, this was awesome!! I personally love the name ‘Gemma’...and what a fascinating character she is! Great job! Keep writing, Batool!

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Batool Hussain
18:31 Aug 29, 2020

Tyy

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Kristin Neubauer
22:07 Aug 28, 2020

I really like this, Batool. I'm not exactly sure what is happening....but maybe I'm not supposed to be exactly sure yet. I see the main themes the relationship/ power struggle (?) between Gemma and Elon....Gemma trying to break away from someone who has such influence or a heavy hand in her life. There is an air of mystery around it and I'm intrigued....looking forward to the next part. I don't really have any critique - it sounds from the comments that you seek them out - but I'm sort of feeling my way in the dark with writing now and d...

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Batool Hussain
08:41 Aug 29, 2020

Thanks

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Sue Marsh
19:39 Aug 26, 2020

great story line

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Batool Hussain
14:07 Aug 28, 2020

thankss

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Lily Kingston
16:30 Aug 26, 2020

Ooooohhhhh!!!! Love the last sentence and the suspense! Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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Batool Hussain
16:37 Aug 26, 2020

Thankss

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Michele Soux
00:42 Aug 26, 2020

Ooh, when the going gets good! I, for one, am a fan of ambiguous endings. My overactive imagination likes to gnaw on it quite a bit and wonder if these two will kill each other...or other things (tee hee). But if there is a continuation, I'll certainly sign up to read it!

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Batool Hussain
04:14 Aug 26, 2020

Thanks

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Hriday Saboo
14:09 Aug 24, 2020

Brilliant job as usual. I have submitted my new story Pls read it

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Batool Hussain
14:14 Aug 24, 2020

Thank you so much

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Hriday Saboo
14:15 Aug 24, 2020

Sure

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13:22 Aug 24, 2020

Since you started well, you could change 'rose' at the start to 'rise' maybe? Double editing, I caught a few errors such as: "A place that his far, far away from him." You left 'is' "There is a double door between his desk and the piano which leads out to the patio." I don't quite get this. If there is a desk and there is a door between it, then it seems kind of wrong. If there are two different tables in the office, state it. Otherwise, I guess you should stick with 'beside' "My boss clears and throat and begins." Maybe removing the 'and...

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Batool Hussain
13:54 Aug 24, 2020

Thank you for helping me out with this one, Abigail. And I guess you must be knowing that I'm your biggest fan too:)

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Cricketer Amogh
12:19 Aug 24, 2020

It's a wonderful story! Please read my latest story The Secret Organisation { Part 2 }

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Batool Hussain
12:30 Aug 24, 2020

If you enjoyed it, please give it a like

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Cricketer Amogh
12:33 Aug 24, 2020

I enjoyed it.

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Pragya Rathore
14:08 Aug 24, 2020

Awesome job as usual, Batool! :)

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Batool Hussain
14:46 Aug 24, 2020

Thank you so much

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Pragya Rathore
15:05 Aug 24, 2020

You're most welcome! If you get some free time, could you please check out my new story and tell me what you thought of it? Thanks! :)

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Batool Hussain
17:15 Aug 24, 2020

I did already and gave it a like too. BTW, I'm so happy that your story got shortlisted. Kudos :)

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Pragya Rathore
17:25 Aug 24, 2020

Aww, thanks a ton! :) So sweet of you, Batool :p

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Tvisha Yerra
13:22 Aug 24, 2020

Wow. Another great story! Just one thing, if you didn't already know, you have to make a new paragraph every time someone talks. You didn't do that when Sia was talking to Miss Gemma. :)

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Batool Hussain
14:49 Aug 24, 2020

Sure. Thanks for your help:)

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