33 comments

Submitted on 08/21/2020

Categories: Mystery

Bang.

"I will kill him this time!" Alice bellowed, her chest ballooning and shrinking down like maniac pumping machine pumping anger into his belly. She let out a beast-like howl into the air. Some of the students in the hall glanced sideways at her and nudged their friends' waist. But Alice didn't care. Even the fiercest, mightiest wind would not have been able to smite her cheeks glowing in venomous crimson. The shame, of course, was all left to poor Lizzy.

Lizzy sighed as if she have done for hundred and twenty-three times (she had been counting it every day.) and approached Alice. She gently put an arm around her friend and asked sweetly:

"Alice, what's up-"

"That Charlie Chemmier! An absolute lunatic! An insufferable maniac! The greatest, the most legendary stinker in the world!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Al, please-"

"I will murder him this time! Smack him right on the face!"

"For the latter, you already did it last week."

"Blow his nose up, then!"

Yelling those words out, she pushed Lizzy's arms from her shoulders and stormed to the stairs. Lizzy followed, clutching (well, at least she tried to) her friends hands.

"Get out of the way, Lizzy! I'm going to commit the greatest murder ever!"

"Alice! For heaven's sake, listen to me!" She pleaded desperately, pulling Alice's arms to make her face her. Her wet bangs trembled at her breath fired fiercely out of her nose. The red, raging dragon snorting harshly at the steps reminded Lizzy strongly of Alice.

"Alice, why don't we talk to Mr. Brown? He might-"

"HA! Mr. Brown! Yea, he will solve it perfectly! What a nice angel, isn't he?" She screamed in hysterical sarcasm.

"Oh, dear Alice, please don't be so angry, it won't get you anywhere here, and-"

"And dear Lizzy, I am not angry, I AM LIVID!"

Thus, she released herself out of Lizzy's grip and thundered up the stairs. Oh, for heaven's sake. A friend of Alice Ambergrit only have two options: whether to join her in her 'murders' or sigh for one hundred and twenty-fifth time.

Lizzy sighed (one hundred and twenty-six.) and leaned on the windowsill. The paintings were wearing out, and the glass looked as if it would shatter any moment.Cold wind blew from the outer world, and parted the dusty, heavy air of the school hall.

Oh, for heaven's sake. (One hundred and twenty-seven.) She thought what she would have been doing if she was that great old Elizabeth Lyndane she used to be. Happy Elizabeth who used to dine at the mahogany table and walk on marble floors. The old times seemed like a dream, a long, long sleep. The time she was innocent and meek; the time she had silk dresses and went to elegant tea parties; the time she strode like a little queen through the glories of London streets. She thought it would continue for ever and ever, until she learned that life changes with a sound of bang. Bang. Her parents lying dead in the living room. Bang. Group of police officers and hungry creditors. Bang. Scary men walking up and down her stairs. Bang. Waking up in an unfamiliar car with two strangers at the front.

Bang.

And standing here, in this gray, old, dirty hall, with ragged, hand-me-down clothes and dirty clothes and dirty face.

Someone tapped her on the shoulders. It was Lucy, who was in the same year with her in this school.

"Look, I heard about what happened between your friend and Charlie Chimmier. The whole school knows."

One hundred and twenty-eighth sigh. Lizzy simply nodded at Lucy, and she understood.

"Tell your friend to watch out. She'll get a detention if she doesn't behave."

Lizzy nodded again, solemnly. Everyone knew what detention meant in this school.

The bell rang above her face. It was class time. Students hurried up to get to their classrooms.

"Got to run....what have we got today? It's Mr. Max's class. Hope it won't be too dreadful."

Everyone feared Mr. Max, a man with muscly arms and merciless cane.

"I have no idea.....well," she raised her eyebrows, thinking. "Perhaps....Grammar or Algebra?" She suggested, smiling awkwardly.

"Algebra?" She whispered, shivering as if she heard they got a roaring monster in the classroom. "Is that....bad?"

Lizzy wanted to laugh, but she knew how seriously Lucy took it. "Nothing to worry about. See you at class."

Lucy hurried up the stairs, wondering what kind of wailing ghost or bloodthirsty lion that Algy's bra would be. Meanwhile, Lizzy sighed, (one hundred and twenty-nine) from the bottom of her heart hoping that Mr. Max's class won't be worse than Algebra. She didn't know, or didn't want to know why 12-year-old Lucy could not understand what Algebra and Grammar meant. She didn't want to think about the fact that she will not face tables and whiteboards and pens in the 'classroom.' She didn't want to face the fact that detentions were not simply standing before the walls at recess time, and why her teachers were usually alcoholics or street fighters with huge tattoos. She refused to imagine why students disappeared almost every month and what would happen the next day, the next week, or next months. She just wanted to pretend that she was a normal student and she was that old Elizabeth. She wanted to pretend that there was no bang after all and her life hadn't changed.

BANG.

The sound of Mr. Max's cane was like of a tremendous thunder. Under his dirty boots lay Charlie Chimmier, with blood running down his nose. He was panting and wailing, like a pig going to slaughter. His white lips trembled in the wind, and the delicate blue eyes were fixed desperately to indifferent Mr. Max. He wasn't a person. He wasn't even a human. He was a powerless prey to be thrown down to the cliff of hell. His thin arms hovered aimlessly in the air, like a drowning man searching desperately for something to grip on.

"Mr. Max....please.....I don't want to go to the factory....you won't....you can't...send me there....."

BANG.

The students darted out from the classrooms and dashed down the stairs, to see the victim to be taken and thrown into the deeper wholes of another hell. Nothing was heard except few gulps and Charlie's harsh breathing. Tension buzzed and zoomed around the hall.

Lizzy felt a strong press on her hands. It was Alice's cold, sweaty hands, trembling inside hers. Her lips vibrated and her face was pale with shock. Her eyes were fused to the boy pleading and wailing on the floor. She was not the one who wanted to murder Charlie Chimmier. She saw him as human, at least. She saw him as a classmate who went through same heaps of burning hells and army of same growling monsters. She saw him as the same, normal child, worthy of someone's care and respect.

The boy struggled and pleaded, but no mercy was given. He was dragged through the quiet hall and the door opened. He was thrown out of the door, and they could see a car waiting outside. No cries or screams were heard. In few seconds the door will be completely shut before him.

BANG.

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33 comments

Pepper Mint
12:59 Aug 31, 2020

I like the description "Life changes with the sound of bang" I think it would be better if there is a short explanation for readers to understand the whole concept.

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Jn Park
13:03 Aug 31, 2020

Yeah, it's really the biggest problems of mine. Ugh. I'm actually planning to write another sequel. :)

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Pepper Mint
13:06 Aug 31, 2020

But as for yer big sister, I'm proud of yer improvement in yer English writing.

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Jn Park
13:23 Aug 31, 2020

Thankee sister. But how did you know that English is my second language? Suspicious........ (lol just joking)

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Pepper Mint
13:30 Aug 31, 2020

Haha...pathetic...............

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Jn Park
13:34 Aug 31, 2020

What?? *sniffing* *knitting brows* *secretly wiping away tears* My father will hear about this!

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19:34 Aug 25, 2020

Very well crafted story, that allows the reader to be there.

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Jn Park
08:25 Aug 28, 2020

Thank you so much! :)

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Charles Stucker
17:03 Aug 25, 2020

A very dystopic tale. Without reference to whiteboard I could envision this as something from the time of Dickens's "Oliver Twist." The attitude toward children is the same. Poor Elizabeth, sent from prosperity to the poor house by her parent's creditors, who may have no true claim, but none stood for a defenseless child. "Lizzy sighed as if she have done for hundred and twenty-three times (she had been counting it every day.) and approached Alice." Try it as, "Lizzy, who had been counting daily, sighed as she had a hundred and twenty-t...

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Jn Park
08:28 Aug 28, 2020

Thank you very much! I'll edit that sentence, and read carefully through other parts as well. :)

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Cricketer Amogh
12:57 Aug 24, 2020

It's a wonderful story! Please read my latest story The Secret Organisation { Part 2 }

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P. Jean
13:05 Sep 17, 2020

Confused beginning (For me) but Read on. Yes interesting story and the way you use the counting to convey the endless despair.

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Jn Park
14:45 Sep 17, 2020

Thank you so much! :)

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P. Jean
14:48 Sep 17, 2020

Your are very welcome!

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Kristin Neubauer
16:01 Sep 08, 2020

A terrifyingly vivid story - I loved it! Excellent, strong and clear writing - especially considering you rushed it as I read in the comments. I agree with the others about something to explain the concept a little more clearly, but overall you had me hooked the whole way!

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Jn Park
09:01 Sep 09, 2020

I agree, like others said, I put too much ambiguity in this story. I'll keep that in mind when I edit. Thank you for your feedback! :)

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Sue Marsh
19:24 Sep 02, 2020

I agree with Pepper Mint, there should be a short explanation for readers to understand the entire concept. Keep writing, Sue

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Sahitthian 🤗
03:28 Sep 02, 2020

I like the introduction.Mysterious story.Great job👍keep it up. Would you mind to read my story “The dragon warrior?”

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Chrissy Lemon
02:12 Sep 01, 2020

This was so creative, I loved the ending 'BANG' super creative! The word choice was really nice as all your stories tend to be.

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Jn Park
09:02 Sep 09, 2020

Thank you very much!;)

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Becky Holland
00:19 Sep 01, 2020

OK, Jn, here it is. Your stories are good. They are full of feeling and tempt the reader to keep reading and even dream of a "sequel." You are younger than I am, i am sure, and yet, I feel like I should curtsy or bow down because you really know how to bring a well-crafted ending. There are a few little minor twists and turns in your writing, the formatting and maybe the length of some sentences - some like the one Pepper Mint mentions below could be a little longer, but others, maybe less. I could suggest different ones, like the oth...

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Jn Park
08:29 Sep 01, 2020

Yes, I definitely agree. This story would require a lot of editing because I sort of rushed it. But I'm glad that you still liked it; thank you so much! And you guessed it right. I'm heading fast towards 14 so I guess I'm one of the youngest authors here :)

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Becky Holland
19:16 Sep 01, 2020

:) But even us old folks can learn from the young folks!

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Barbara Burgess
17:08 Aug 30, 2020

I enjoyed your story. I love your use of descriptive words and phrases. - 'like a pig going to slaughter.' - among others. Well done.

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Keerththan 😀
06:52 Aug 28, 2020

The introduction was amazing. The ending was well crafted. Wonderful story. Keep writing. Would you mind reading my story " the adventurous tragedy?"

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Jn Park
08:22 Aug 28, 2020

Thank you! Will do! :)

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Deborah Angevin
23:26 Aug 24, 2020

A powerful opening paragraph that gripped me to read until the very end... well-written one! P.S: would you mind checking my recent story out, "Yellow Light"? Thank you :D

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Jn Park
12:38 Aug 25, 2020

Thank you Deborah! Will do :D

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