58 comments

Aug 10, 2020

Thriller

Hi guys! Batool here. For those of you who haven't read "You and the train" and "Zita" already, go and read those two first and then read this one. I'll gladly wait:)


Monster. Monster. Monster. You are a monster. What else can you be? A person who lost his parents, his siblings, his family, his wife, his relations, all because of his vicious nature. What else can he be called? There is blood, a lot of it. And, then there is Zita. Despite being bruised all over, a weak smile blossoms over her face as she whispers, "Jules, it isn't...over." And just like that, she is dead. Dead in your arms. Lifeless. Oh, and only if you hadn't been such a monster she would have been with you today.


She was beautiful. Breathtakingly beautiful. She was the kind of woman every other woman longed to be. She was extraordinarily confident. Confident before she met you, before she came across the monster in you, before she withered away, slowly and painfully. 


It is the day. The sentencing takes place today. Despite being long-dead, Zita never lets you sleep in peace. After her death, came your destruction. June, your neighbor brought it. She put forth the evidence of abuse and violence on poor Zita. And above all, she became the witness. Oh, and only if you hadn't been such a monster, the circumstances would've been different.


You are moving in feverish haste, anxious to get going when you hear your doorbell ring. It might be the milk-man or the new neighbor's youngest kid, Charlie. It might be the presser with the clothes, you are too lazy to iron or even wash. You curse under your breath and move to open your door. Your right foot's toe hits the corner of your bed and you curse under your breath again. This is God's way of punishing you, little by little, all for treating Zita badly. Oh, and only if you hadn't been such a monster, God wouldn't have to punish you this way.


You open the door to find June. She looks different in an alarming way. Her hair is tied back into a sleek bun. Her lips are painted a bright red. She is dressed in an ankle-length black dress. Daunting. "Did you forget? The day of your sentencing is today, Mr. Julian. Shall we go?" You clear your throat and nod, almost timidly. You nod as an obedient child would nod to his parents. You mutter a silent prayer, turn around to check, and then double-check whether your main lock has been clasped properly and then move towards June's car.


How weird is the fact that two enemies sit side by side with their mouths clamped shut, ready to go to the court? On your way to the court, you see a girl holding hands with a little boy. She is very protective of the boy, never even by chance letting him disappear from her sight. You feel punched in your gut. Oh, and only if you had been protective of Zita the same way, this day would have been so different. Sighing, you close your eyes. 


You arrive at the court. The court has changed dramatically since your last memory of it. The previously painted black wooden benches have been painted brown now. The courtroom looks changed. A lot bigger. There are the Judge and the clerk. There are the attorneys and the witnesses and the jurors. So many people to witness your end. Your end. It has always been the same way. Since the day June opened the case, you've always dreamt of your end. You've always dreamt of Zita winning and you losing. Oh, and only if you hadn't been such a monster, your end wouldn't have come so soon.


You are sitting and waiting. Sitting and waiting for the sentencing to start when you see Zita approaching you. She's dressed in a white, flowy gown. Her eyes are painted charcoal black. Other than this, she wears no makeup. "Jules...," she whispers. "It is time, my love. It is time for you to join me, up in the clouds. Jules..." and she moves her hands towards you as if she would grab you and flee away. You scream.


You scream at the top of your lungs and shout, "No, no, no, no. I didn't hit you on purpose. Believe me. Stay away from me. STAY AWAY!" June comes over to calm you down. "Mr. Julian, behave yourself. We are in court." You move away from her and head to the exit but see yourself trapped amongst the judge, the clerks, the attorneys, the witnesses, and the jurors. June had already said it, once before. Dammit.


Dammit. How could you forget? She had already presented you as a madman in front of the court. A madman who hit his wife everyday. So much so that she was obliged to take her own life. Oh, and only if you hadn't been such a monster and a madman, she wouldn't have to take her own life. You shoot one of your looks to June and she looks over to the judge as if seeking help.


"Ms. June. I would appreciate it if you could come back to your place and let the court do its job." June proceeds to sit over at her place. "And Mr. Julian," the judge continues. "Please take a seat and let us begin with the sentencing." You move over to your place too with your heart still pounding furiously against your chest and your hands cold and trembling. Oh, and only if, you could get another chance.


You remember the happening at your last trial. When the Judge had announced you to be GUILTY. And then there had been several pleadings from your attorney's side. Thankfully, the Judge had taken all the appealing into consideration. And now was the time to hear the final sentence. The Judge takes out a small chit from his robe's pocket and briefly glances at you. The temperature around you suddenly rises and you feel sweat running down your back. Your spectacles become foggy with your sweat. Your throat feels drier than the baked summer earth outside. And your leg keeps bouncing: up and down up and down. Oh, and if only you could get another chance.


The Judge clears his throat and pushes his spectacles up, just a bit and says, "A second chance for you, Mr. Fairthorn." he pauses briefly, and then continues, "Not everyone is so lucky."


As you see this, your head starts to spin. You don't really get what is happening all around you. How did the tables turn so suddenly? You feel dizzy and want to get out of this place. Fast. Voices are raised but soon everybody is hushed as the Judge gives his final sentence, "The court has now been dismissed."


As you pass through a large audience, everyone shoots dirty looks at you. Looks of disgust. They shout and throw things at you, clearly in protest. None of these forms of protests seem to contend the verdict. But, your mind is at peace and now it chants, "Julian Fairthorn has been given a second chance."




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58 comments

Zilla Babbitt
13:23 Aug 10, 2020

You've continued the story! It's weird and almost uncomfortable to be rooting for a character you hate. You do that well. Best of all, you don't have to read "Zita" to understand what's going on. There are a couple problems, mainly with the court scene, the first being that a judge wouldn't announce a not guilty sentence at a sentencing. A sentencing is after the trial, after a jury has found him guilty, or after he pleads guilty. The judge could read off a paper the message the jury gave him (I'd say a very light sentence rather than not...

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Batool Hussain
13:35 Aug 10, 2020

Thank you for commenting, Zilla. I have little to no knowledge about courts. Thanks for helping me out. I'll definitely correct that.

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Zilla Babbitt
13:24 Aug 11, 2020

You're welcome! I think the only things left are 1. Maybe mentioning if he actually did get time or a fine? 2. There are usually two or three law clerks that sit in a lower desk across the aisle from the judge's bench. In front of the judge's bench (which is higher than everything else) is a lower one where the courtroom secretary (or deputy, I forget the language) and court reporter/stenographer. You don't have to include these, but it could be cool describing all the people of the court that frighten him.

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Cricketer Amogh
11:21 Aug 10, 2020

It's really good story ! please comment on my story

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Batool Hussain
11:25 Aug 10, 2020

Sure! Did u even read my story? Cos you just directly came and comment without even liking it:)

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Cricketer Amogh
11:30 Aug 10, 2020

I read it. The start was amazing. You described a person as monster, that's really good.

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04:48 Aug 17, 2020

Ok, I dunno if I already commented on this story, but I'm still posting this anyway. This story had me hooked! It's a fitting end to the "Julian Zita" series! You really have a way with words! Keep writing! (Please!) PS. Could you read my new story and give your feedback? Thanks!

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Niveeidha Palani
10:17 Aug 18, 2020

Hi Batool, I love how you conveyed this story in second person! Finally, a sequel to "You and the train"! I think that I really connected to Julian's feelings, and I loved the twist at the end! PS - If you do have time, could you check out my latest story and comment on it? I'd be glad if you could! :)

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Avery G.
15:44 Aug 10, 2020

This is amazing! You convey the emotions in such a beautiful way. Great job.

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Batool Hussain
15:45 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks

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Avery G.
15:47 Aug 10, 2020

You're welcome!

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Orenda ♤
15:03 Aug 10, 2020

Heyy, Batool! It was an amazing story. I'm always impressed with your way of conveying drama and emotions. Awesome as always😁🥰🥰

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Batool Hussain
15:37 Aug 10, 2020

thanks

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Orenda ♤
16:00 Aug 10, 2020

no probsss

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Cricketer Amogh
09:51 Aug 15, 2020

I have already commented on this story. I am writing this comment because please read my new story The Secret Mission Meeting

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Princemark Okibe
16:43 Aug 13, 2020

If this is the quality of writing i am competing against, then i have no hope of ever winning any contest. That was gripping, engaging and immersive. You used second person to its full potential using the fewest words possible. I am going to face my fears and try out second person in the next contest because of this. Keep writing, the talent and hard work is surely there. I can see it.

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Batool Hussain
07:04 Aug 14, 2020

This is huge praise. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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Harken Void
15:01 Aug 11, 2020

Dude, you used my name as your instagram profile ID. Not cool...

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Batool Hussain
15:17 Aug 11, 2020

Fine, I didn't mean to offend you though. But since you don't like it, I'll go and change it right away:(

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Harken Void
18:16 Aug 11, 2020

Thanks. My name has a deep personal meaning to me and I don't like seeing it 'borrowed' by others.

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Jessie Nice
14:37 Aug 11, 2020

I am HOOKED on your writing Batool. You have a way with words which competed immerses the reader. You are very talented and I look forward to reading more from you. I would love if you could leave some feedback on my recent story/ies if you feel you want to also. Happy writing :)

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Batool Hussain
15:35 Aug 11, 2020

Thank you. Sure!

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Fizzah Waqar
05:41 Aug 11, 2020

This is a nice story. You have shown that Julian is really sorry for what happened. Shows that he his human despite the darkness in him. Just a little confusion. Why did the judge let him leave? Was it because he is a madman?

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Batool Hussain
05:45 Aug 11, 2020

Thanks for your feedback. I wanted to put a little twist in the story. Maybe, that is why the judge let him go

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15:27 Aug 10, 2020

I loved Zita. Don't hate me but I connect more with Julian because he is real and a character that flows well. This story is just as exceptional. The court scene is good but needs a bit more work. You did pretty well in showing us the feelings of Julian and how much he needed a second chance. Beautiful story.

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Batool Hussain
15:37 Aug 10, 2020

Thank you. I finished the editing just now and would really appreciate if you could have a look and share your views:)

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Charles Stucker
14:13 Aug 10, 2020

"You are moving in feverish haste, anxious to get going when you hear your doorbell ring." rings " None of them seems contended with the verdict except for your mind. " This looks like a typo and tense error combined- content instead? Since that 2nd person writing prompt, I see more 2nd person than ever (outside of older instruction manuals where 'you tighten the gasket nut and...') You definitely present the madman, seeing a dead person and all, then you present the jury verdict which seems odd, because it declares him innocent. Is he...

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Batool Hussain
15:52 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks for your help like always:)

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Shiza Ali
13:14 Aug 10, 2020

It is so cool!

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Batool Hussain
13:36 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks

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Krishi Norris
13:13 Aug 10, 2020

Great story, Batool! (Or is it the sequel to your other story, Zita?) Either way, it was awesome! Just a few things: Maybe you could have elaborated more on the court, and split apart a few paragraphs so it's easier to read. Otherwise, it was awesome! I was itching for you to publish and I couldn't bear it when you weren't publishing! Also, can you leave feedback on my latest story, 'Amends.'? Thanks!

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Batool Hussain
13:36 Aug 10, 2020

Thank you. And sure!

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Paula Martinek
22:04 Aug 17, 2020

Great story. I do agree he needs some sort of sentence. It could even be his conscience prodding or taunting him to face his inner demons. But a great story especially when told from the view of the abuser not the victim.

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Juliet Martin
12:44 Aug 17, 2020

This is a really interesting take on the prompt, and a dark and dramatic theme to cover. I like that your main character is complex and believable. Your choice to write in second person is very striking considering the plot - this has a powerful effect. I think some of your imagery could be more effective if you chose to show rather than tell; for example, you could have described the young girl and boy holding hands without explicitly making the parallel with Julian and Zita. Similarly, some of your description is a bit list-like, like when...

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Batool Hussain
16:15 Aug 17, 2020

I appreciate this comment, Juliet:)

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Deborah Angevin
11:41 Aug 17, 2020

Yay, the continuation of your previous stories! As always, I love the way you wrote the descriptions and great job on the 2nd person POV! P.S: would you mind checking my recent story out, "Grey Clouds"? Thank you :D

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Tariq Saeed
16:54 Aug 16, 2020

Batool Dear is also very glamorous.

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Pamela Abwao
03:23 Aug 16, 2020

I regretted that such monster was acquitted. Dont you think that this supports violence against women? I enjoyed reading it.

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