145 comments

Aug 08, 2020

Fantasy Romance

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Ernis♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

“So, you’re a bit rusty, huh?” Clink.

“Pfffft, look who’s talking.”Grunt. Clink. I knock the sword out of my opponent’s hand and he falls to the floor. I hold my sword level with his nose.

“Well?”I say, hiding the smirk from my face.

“Alright, alright, you win, I’m rusty…” he says. I laugh and pull up my helmet, helping him up. Our captain comes over, arms crossed. I immediately stop laughing and stand up a little straighter. 

“Ernis. Dederick.” he nods at each of us. We nod back. “How’s practice?” Practice? Since when has he really cared about us enough to ask about practice?

“Fine, sir,” Dederick speaks up. 

“Good, good. Ernis, may I speak to you for a moment?” I feel my face grow pale, but I stay expressionless. I nod and follow the captain. We stop somewhere near the middle of the field. "Ernis. There’s someone here to see you.” the captain says, his voice a little shaky. I gulp. 

“Oh-um-(clears throat)yes sir, where?”

“Right there.” he motions to a pretty girl in a long floral skirt. She has a flower crown atop her dark brown hair and her eyes are silvery grey.

“Should I-”

“Go.”He says and leaves me to see to TK(trainee knights) who are fooling around. I run my hand through my hair and walk over to the girl. Gosh, she’s even prettier up close. I can see she has freckles, and she looks to be about my age. 

“Hello. You must be the amazing Ernis! A pleasure.” she says. Being the gentleman I am, I take her hand and softly kiss the top of it. 

“The pleasure is mine. Now, Captain said you wished to speak to me?”

“Oh, yes. I’m a seer. A fortune teller, that is. I saw a very concerning prophecy the other day and-”

“Pardon-I’m sorry to cut you off, but what does a concerning prophecy have to do with me?” she narrows her eyes at me.

“If you’d let me finish maybe you’d understand. I thought knights were supposed to have the best of manners.” her comment takes me aback, but I keep my face expressionless. A knight has to train, I don’t have time for a silly seer and her prophecies. Anyway, I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted, that there’s a vampire that needs to be taken care of in one of the king’s private cottages.”

“A vampire?! Again, may I ask what this has to do with me?”

“A seer never reveals her practice.”

“Look, I’m flattered, truly, but I have training to do. Find some other knight to take care of the vampire. Goodbye.”I say, turning to walk away, but she grabs my arm. 

“You don’t understand! The fate of the world-”

“The fate of the world?! You’re so dramatic! It’s just a vampire! They’re practically harmless these days!” she shakes her head at me.

“People are dying! You see, my prophecies, are different, and we don’t have much time left. And I thought you would be a little considerate?! I guess I was wrong.” She starts walking away. I roll my eyes and sigh.

“When do I have to leave?” she turns around and smiles.

“A carriage will pick you up tomorrow. Be prepared to stay a couple of nights. Hey, take this as a vacay! When you aren’t busy slaying vampires, you’ll be in a king’s cottage! It’s probably as big as the palace, maybe bigger!”

“Why do you exaggerate so much!”

“Ha! I get that a lot. Maybe you just need to learn to smile…” ugh, thank you very much I know how to smile. I just don’t need to go around trusting random people. Whatever, I guess I have to begin packing. 


༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Kat♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

“Ow! What the heck Kat?!”I huff, blowing a strand of my red hair out of my face.

“What is wrong with you Jade?!”I yell right back at her. Jade sighs and rubs her arm where I grabbed her. Her scary-bright green eyes bore right into mine. 

“Says the person who just grabbed me out of nowhere and sunk her claws into me.”I scoff.

“It’s kind of one of the perks of being a half-wolf. And you know perfectly well why I grabbed you. They already caught onto us! Haven’t you been drinking the blood juice I gave you? A bottle of those will last you every day.”

“I sort of….threw mine away…” she mumbles. I roll my eyes.

“Do you want cravings? Look, I understand that human blood is better, but do you want us to get caught? Three people are already dead. Three. And don’t even try to tell me it was someone else, I saw the bodies. Our location isn’t very private. The king could send someone at any moment to take a look at why all the dead bodies end up here.” her ears twitch. See, being a half-wolf vampire, we each have claws sharp enough to kill someone, fangs, two fluffy ears growing out of our heads, and sometimes depending on our emotions, we can grow tails. We can also transform completely into a wolf, or a bat if we choose. For some reason, we can’t fully transform into humans. All vampires are different. 

“I’m sorry Kat….”

“Yeah, for sure, come on, I saw a sheep in the forest that we might be able to catch.”

“Really?! Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m starving, and it’s better than you hunting humans. Let’s bounce.” I quickly envision a wolf in my head and soon it feels like I’m much shorter. Jade transforms in front of me as well. Ugh, it’s a pain to have fur in this summer heat. Oh well. As we run into the forest at top speed, I hear horses and a carriage stop at the cottage. 

Have we been caught?!?!

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Ernis♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

After talking with the captain, he sent two other knights with me. Apparently, this is a trip that has been put off for far too long.

The horse’s skid to a stop. I walk out of the carriage and stretch. My jaw drops at the sight of the cottage. It’s almost bigger than my house! I thought cottages are supposed to be small! I take my satchel of belongings and walk into the cottage, which has no lock. 

To be honest, I don’t really intend on slaying the vampire. I mean, they were granted rights 2 years ago. They don’t deserve to be treated like animals. I’m just going to pretend I can’t find him and leave. Maybe I can make the best of it while I’m here….

How can a cottage kitchen have marble flooring?!

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Kat♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

I sink my fangs deep into the neck of the sheep. That. Is. So. Good.

Once we’re both full, I remember the horses I heard before we came into the forest...It’s probably unsafe to return to the cottage, at least undisguised. 

I quickly envision my human self again and transform. Jade does the same.

“Jade, before we came into the forest, I-”

“I know, I heard them too. You have your cloak?”I nod. Though we can manage to hide our fangs pretty well, it’s impossible to hide our ears any other way than cloaking them. The worst part is, it’s not like they’re just there, noooo, they have to actually be a part of us. Like, when we’re embarrassed, they turn slightly red, they twitch a lot,  and they sometimes turn towards someone we might have feelings for( okay, we always have feelings for the person if they turn towards them, we just don’t admit it because it’s too embarrassing). That last one’s the worst part. Our tails are impossible to hide too, but we rarely ever grow them. It’s only when we feel an excessive amount of any emotion. 

I pull my cloak hood over my ears. We walk towards the cottage. Time to see who our little visitors are…

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Ernis ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

There’s a small knock on the door. I drop the grape in my hand and walk over cautiously to the small wooden entrance. 

I quickly straighten out my clothing and run my hand through my hair before pulling open the door. 

Standing in front of me are two cloaked young ladies. One has strikingly green eyes and raven black hair, while the other has almost yellow eyes, and I can see some small strands of crimson red hair falling from her covered head. Both have pale-white skin, and both are extremely pretty as well. I clear my throat.

“Hello...Is there a problem?”

“Hi, sir, we-” the green-eyed girl begins to speak, but the redhead elbows her.

“Hello….We, um, we live near here and have been told a vampire haunts these grounds. We were wondering if you were sent to slay it?”

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Kat♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

I make sure my cloak securely covers my ears and knock on the small wooden door. The man who opens the door is tall, with a broad build, medium-length messy brown hair, and green eyes, though they’re nothing like Jade’s. They’re softer, almost sparkling in the sun. He clears his throat. 

“Hello...Is there a problem?” he says. His voice is sweet too. Ugh! Focus Kat!

“Hi, sir, we-” nope, can’t let Jade talk. I elbow her in the ribs mid-sentence. If I let her talk, she’ll probably ask to stay or something. That’s the last thing we need.

“Hello….We, um, we live near here and have been told a vampire haunts these grounds. We were wondering if you were sent to slay it?”

“Fear not, he shall be gone by tomorrow.”

“Um, excuse me, he?! Are you unaware that vampires can be women?” ugh, how annoying of him to assume that vampires are only men. I didn’t mean to elongate the conversation, but no one can get away with that. His face grows pale, but it’s nothing compared to the deathly white of my own skin. I furrow my brows at him. 

“Oh, um, well-”

“Save it. My friend and I are leaving, good luck with capturing the vampire.” I say, dragging Jade and turning around. 

I feel my ears start painfully turning under the cloak towards the mysterious man. Oh my god, not this...I stop and grab Jade’s arm, She mouth’s the word What? To me. I raise my eyebrows to indicate a problem with my ears. Realization dawns across her face, and she claps her hand over her mouth to stop from giggling. I roll my eyes and can feel my face heating up. 

“Um, is everything alright?” Ugh, I forgot, we’re literally one foot away from the door. My face turns even redder. Think, think, excuse…. Jade saves me, turning back to talk to the man. I turn as well.

“It’s a long walk back to where we came from, and we were wondering if we could come in for a quick drink of water? We’ll be on our way after that, promise.”

Oh! Of course, where are my manners? Come on in. You must be parched and scorched in this summer heat, especially in your cloaks.” he says ushering us inside. We can’t take off our cloaks! I hope he doesn’t expect us to...

“Wait here, I’ll get you ladies something to drink and some fruit for your journey as well.”

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Ernis ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

Ugh, how could I be so rude?! I rummage around the kitchen and grab two jugs of water as well as a small basket filled with fruit.

When I exit the kitchen, I see the green-eyed girl laughing while the red head’s face is almost as red as her hair. Oh my god, she must be getting heatstroke or something, why is the other one laughing?!

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?”I rush to her side, handing her one of the jugs.

“Oh-I’m fine...Thank you, sir, we should really get going,” she says taking the water and turning.

“No, no, I insist you stay, we have some fans upstairs. You can cool down a little before your journey, especially if it’s as long as you say. If you’ll just hand me your cloaks-” 

“Your, um, hospitality is very generous sire, but we really should get going.” the redhead says, turning to leave. In her rush, her cloak gets caught on the hook by the door. It’s pulled down to reveal a full head of that red hair….as well as small ears resembling that of a wolf. I’d been informed that vampires sometimes donned ears. Ahhhh, now it all makes sense. These are the vampires that I supposedly have to slay. The red-head freezes in her tracks.

“Look, I’m not going to hurt you…” I say. 

“Oh, for sure, you’re literally sent to kill us.” green-eyes says, unhooking redhead's cloak from the hook and attempting to leave.

“Just-Just make sure to hide somewhere the other men with me won’t find you. They do plan on killing you if they come upon you. I, on the other hand, don’t. Take my word for it, or don’t.”

“Thank you-”

“Ernis. Stop calling me ‘sire’.”

“Oh-um, Kat.”

“Nice to meet you. Now you better get to hiding. You too, green-eyes”

“My name is Jade, thank you very much-”

“Come on Jade, let’s go,” Kat says, pulling up her cloak and dragging Jade behind her. I close the door once they’re safely in the forest, watching them bicker and push each other all the way. 

I hope they find a good place to hide…

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Kat♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

“Oh my god, Jade!”I harshly whisper, shoving her to the side. 

“(giggle) I can’t believe this! (giggle)Are your ears turning right now?! (giggle)” Jade says, barely pausing in between breaths. They are, slightly, but she doesn’t really have to know that.  

“Whatever, where are we going to hide?” I dodge her question. Jade finally stops laughing.

“I don’t know...Do you really think he’s not going to hurt us? Ah, well, obviously, your answer will be a little influenced-”

Shut up Jade! I swear to god, man….. Don’t think I forgot about that time we were in the city and you met that guy, oh boy, your ears sure did-”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh, alright, I’ll stop, I’ll stop…” I smirk. We finally find a small cave deep into the forest.

“Seems a good place as any to wait out the soldiers…”

“Yeah, I guess so…”I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and walking into it.

Ernis was the first to ever make my ears turn...


I guess I’ll never see him again


༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ Ernis ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

“Do you all have your weapons?” some bigshot captain says.

“Yes sir!” we all say in unison.

“Good! Tonight….We slay the vampire!” countless battle cries fill the forest as we ride off into the night. 

I can’t stop thinking about that girl Kat. Ah, well, I guess I have to focus. Maybe I can kill a wolf and convince them it’s the vampire. 

We split up onto different paths. I hear a faint howl in the distance and follow the sound. Hopefully, it’s just a normal wolf and I can kill it…

Unfortunately, I hear one of the soldiers shouting.

“I GOT IT! IT’S DEAD! THE BEAST IS DEAD!” it’s the captain from earlier. 

Have they got Kat or Jade?! I quickly ride towards the sound of the yelling. It’s right by the cottage. I find the captain proudly holding up a dead wolf. Its fur is sickeningly grey, and the fangs protruding from its mouth look extremely dull. This is an ordinary wolf. 

Whatever, let them believe what they want. 

Hopefully, Kat and Jade know enough to stop killing people.

“WE CAN LEAVE TOMORROW BY DAWN!”


Oh…

I guess I’ll never see Kat again...


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145 comments

Amany Sayed
00:43 Aug 08, 2020

Okie, so, I got the idea from this story from Reedsy's plot generator. Here's the plot: A soldier, who can be stoic. A vampire, who has many controversial opinions. It's a political fantasy story about making the most of second chances. It kicks off on a battlefield with a fortuitous meeting. (Note that: the prophecy in the story will be delivered by a seer with a reputation for exaggeration.) And there's a twist! The world is inspired by modern Chicago. I tried to do as much as I could...I think I did kind of a good job with it. I did...

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נιмму 🤎
04:58 Aug 09, 2020

While reading this prompt I would've never expected it to take this intersting creative wild turn of events! I haven't really read much fantasy on here... let alone any vampire or werewolf stories, and I do have to say I'm a sucker for those (Absolutly loveeeee the show the vampire diaries yes damon) I'm really glad that the girls didn't die. When I saw that they had killed the beast I was really worried but thankfully it was just a normal wolf! I like how you incorporated the feelings thing in it too between kat and Ernis and hopefully, if ...

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Amany Sayed
13:30 Aug 09, 2020

Thank you so much for reading Celeste! Glad you enjoyed it!

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נιмму 🤎
01:57 Aug 13, 2020

ok nowwwww i posted a new story and I don't think I will delete it cuz I like this one much better! Check it out whenever you can😎😙💚

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Amany Sayed
13:58 Aug 15, 2020

Heyyyy, I posted a couple new stories and would be grateful if you could check em out! Thank you!

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נιмму 🤎
16:31 Aug 15, 2020

on my way there

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Amany Sayed
18:05 Aug 15, 2020

Just read your comments! thanksssss

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Amany Sayed
20:41 Aug 28, 2020

hey part 2 of this just came out if you wanna read it!

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María Barrios
16:32 Aug 08, 2020

“People are dying! You see, my prophecies, are different, and we don’t have much time left. And I thought you would be a little considerate?! I guess I was wrong.” She starts walking away. I roll my eyes and sigh. “When do I have to leave?” she turns around and smiles. Ohh, I loved this. I love fantasy so much, it makes me so happy to see a Fantasy story here. I liked their dynamic and dialogue. I would expand this into other entries if I were you. The piece is fine like this but I would love to read more about these characters. I'm...

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Amany Sayed
17:08 Aug 08, 2020

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I am relatively new to writing fantasy, so I'm happy you liked it. It was really fun to write, so you might be seeing more of these characters soon. Of course, I'll go as soon as I can!

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Doubra Akika
01:54 Aug 11, 2020

This was so beautiful. Had to come back and read it because I realized I never left a comment. You definitely love romance 🤣. It shows. I love reading your stories a lot. Loved how you took a different approach with this prompt and made it sort of yours. The fantasy was a nice touch and I love how the vampires have different qualities here (sort of have been obsessed with the originals for a while now🤣). You did an amazing job with this. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Also congratulations on making the top ten!

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Amany Sayed
02:33 Aug 11, 2020

Thanks so much! Haha, yes I do. That makes me happy :) The original vampires? I enjoy creating things :) Thank youuuu Thanks, it was all thanks to Aerin B. and Celeste Jiminezzzz

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Doubra Akika
07:01 Aug 11, 2020

Congratulations all the same and yes I was referring to the originals as in the show 😂.

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Doubra Akika
20:44 Aug 28, 2020

Sure! That’d be lovely! If you get the chance, would you mind checking out my recent stories? Just uploaded one today! Hope you’re having a nice day!

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Amany Sayed
20:46 Aug 28, 2020

Of course! I've been a bit busy, school starts Monday for me 😓 but I'll check em out ASAP! Thank you :) You too!

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Rayhan Hidayat
15:38 Aug 08, 2020

Ahhh I love the fantasy take on the prompt! 😍 And the use of two first person POVs was done well, you made each character very distinct. The names were all very fantasy-sounding too, so good job 👍🏽 I think my only issue is that I kinda wished they got to see each other one more time in the end there haha. Good stuff, keep writing! 😊

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Amany Sayed
15:42 Aug 08, 2020

Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, I used some fantasy name generators to find what I was looking for. Haha, thank you, you too!

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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16:38 Aug 24, 2020

Hello 👋 what an amazing story! It was very interesting! Mind checking out a few of my stories?

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Amany Sayed
00:27 Aug 25, 2020

Thanks! Not at all!!

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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00:45 Aug 29, 2020

Sure! Hehehe can u check my new story

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02:59 Aug 23, 2020

Good story, I liked the development of the characters and the idea that Ernis was a lone, noble knight who believed in upholding the rights of Jade and Kat. I do have to wonder though, why you broke this up be jumping between characters in that way when I think that this would have been just as effective and maybe easier to keep track of if it was all written as one cohesive storyline. Also, am I wrong in assuming that this takes place in a more medieval time? If so, there were a few things that took me out of that like more modern phras...

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Amany Sayed
17:06 Aug 23, 2020

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's just because I wanted to show both Erinis and Kat's thoughts throughout, I'm aware that it's messy. I sort of imagined it going through as a movie in my head, if that even makes any sense. Yes, it was a bit of a twist between medieval and modern. For example, the dialogue as well as a mention of marble flooring was modern, and horse carriages were not. Thank you so much :)

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18:04 Aug 23, 2020

It wasn't so much messy as it was a bit confusing. I think that, had you gone with either a script format or maybe journal or diary entries, maybe that would straighten out the story line. You could have just flashed back and forth, as long as you let the reader know whose POV we were seeing things from, that this would work. If this is sort of a medieval/ modern mash up, I think that you need to weave a bit more modern into it just so that the few bits that are in there seem more like they belong in this world. Great job, I look for...

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Amany Sayed
18:07 Aug 23, 2020

I see, thank you for the feedback. I did include the name in the beginning of each switch. I'm going to try my best in Part 2. Thanks so much!

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13:02 Aug 26, 2020

Just a question, how did you change the font for your name??????

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Amany Sayed
15:21 Aug 26, 2020

Ahh, go to my bio, I have links up at the top.

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00:42 Aug 23, 2020

gr8 story! loved it

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Amany Sayed
00:48 Aug 23, 2020

I'm glad! :D Thank you!

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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02:41 Aug 29, 2020

Ya sure!

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Nirosha P
02:46 Aug 20, 2020

This story is so beautiful! It's so creative and unique. I think you've excelled this prompt. :) PS: Do you mind checking out my stories? I'd love feed back :)

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Amany Sayed
12:38 Aug 20, 2020

Thank you so much! Of course, I'll go as soon as I can!

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Nirosha P
06:01 Aug 29, 2020

I'd love to :) PS: I don't want to bother you, but could you make a sequel or a part two for your story 'Blueberries'? I loved that story. But if you don't want to I totally understand. It's up to you. 😊

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Amany Sayed
12:55 Aug 29, 2020

I actually DID write a Part 2, however, it is on Wattpad if you want to check it out. https://www.wattpad.com/user/sunnydayz224 There's a link to my profile.

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13:14 Aug 17, 2020

P.S. Would you mind reading my recent, "Strange Inmate"? THANKS :D

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Amany Sayed
13:15 Aug 17, 2020

Of course! No problamo! :D

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14:21 Aug 17, 2020

:D

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13:10 Aug 17, 2020

Is there a part two? IS THERE? Because, I need to know????? You JUST can't leave it there! What happens to Ernis and Kat???? Oh please there has to be a part two, I'm obssessed with Fantasy now. Tell me there is one....

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Amany Sayed
13:12 Aug 17, 2020

Heh Heh.... Idk should I REALLY make one....????

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14:21 Aug 17, 2020

IS THAT A QUESTION?????

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Amany Sayed
15:00 Aug 17, 2020

😂😂Ok, ok, I get it, I get it, I'll go start on one...

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15:17 Aug 17, 2020

Good...

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Amany Sayed
20:42 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Pragya Rathore
07:28 Aug 12, 2020

What an awesome story! I read in one of the comments that you're quite young, but I just wanted to say that you write amazingly well for your age!! This story was amazing (probably because I love vampires, lol!) Keep it going, you're doing great! Please review my 2 recent stories too :)

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Amany Sayed
15:37 Aug 12, 2020

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Haha, I love vampires as well. Of course!

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Amany Sayed
20:43 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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18:04 Aug 11, 2020

I'm not sure if I have ever read a multiple first person point of view story. Which, from a traditional stand point, has the propensity for disaster, but you did a really great job with it. I'm impressed, I really enjoyed it. That aside, the story itself was a nice escape. I thought the characters all showed their own unique voices and the general flow was very good. Also, I'm a sucker for the supernatural stuff, so you found an instant fan in me!

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Amany Sayed
18:10 Aug 11, 2020

Thank you so much for reading! I'm so glad you liked it, and that my story wasn't a disaster. After writing this and enjoying it so much, I think I'll be writing more supernatural stuff in the near future! Thanks again! :)

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18:21 Aug 11, 2020

I look forward to reading it and will add you to my following list ☺️

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Amany Sayed
20:43 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Leya Newi
23:11 Aug 09, 2020

Ohhh, I don't know what to say about this, other than I really enjoyed. Seriously, I loved this. I just read your bio, and I also have a problem with too many notebooks and journal that I will never get rid of. I'm an Aries, and my favorite color (currently anyway) is lime green. Also, pasta is incredible. I could literally eat in every day, but everyone else complains, saying that they're tired of it. How??

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Amany Sayed
23:14 Aug 09, 2020

Thanks so much! Ooh, interesting. I also love neon colors (lime green, neon pink, etc) and I get what you mean with "currently" as mine changes regularly as well. How indeed?! Pasta is the best. :)

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Leya Newi
23:18 Aug 09, 2020

Neon colors and pasta lovers. This sounds like the start of a great friendship... Really the only issue I have with Reedsy is #1, kids technically aren't allowed to write (not that it stops us) and that I can't meet people I've met on Reedsy in real life.

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Amany Sayed
23:19 Aug 09, 2020

Yeah...sadness... we can always be Reedsy friedns thoooo

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Leya Newi
23:22 Aug 09, 2020

Of course!!!!!!

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Amany Sayed
20:43 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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Charles Stucker
01:12 Aug 09, 2020

You world is creative and the voices are authentic modern teens. You manage your scenes and pacing credibly, and teh words flow smoothly enough that readers likely stay with the story rather than lose interest. All are GREAT points in writing. You have a relatively advanced technique where you view parts of a single scene from different perspectives. You handle it well, so it should remain part of your repertoire. So, lets get to a few problems. One- you didn't edit this. Or if you did, then you don't have much experience editing. E...

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Amany Sayed
01:45 Aug 09, 2020

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to provide such detailed feedback! Thanks, I really wanted to show both Ernis as well as Kat's emotions throughout and though it was a little messy with the switches, I liked the way it turned out. I'll take those editing tips into consideration the next time I write. For the wrong words, I meant to use concerning, as no one really says "disconcerting" while speaking. For the other one, I shall go back and change it. With "A seer never reveals her practice" I meant to use the word pr...

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Charles Stucker
02:15 Aug 09, 2020

If you want it to sound modern, let a few tiny bits show, like phones, electric lights, or refrigerators- heck, even sneakers. Everything except the dialogue suggested middle ages or Renaissance. On concerning - how about alarming? concerning just sounds off when I see it. Are you from England or Tehran commonwealth country where usage is different? If so, then sorry, I'm from the US and could have a very divergent view of the word. Your explanation on practice is good enough an editor might let it go, so that's fine. You chose a specific ...

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Amany Sayed
03:38 Aug 09, 2020

Thank you, I will take that into account if I ever use these characters/world again. Also, I'm still a pretty young writer in high school, so I'm still relatively new to writing. I would appreciate it if you weren't so...harsh next time. Nonetheless, thank you for your feedback and critiques.

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Charles Stucker
04:34 Aug 09, 2020

It's a problem I have. I'm blunt. Especially when I'm rushed. I see "Tehran commonwealth" and it should have been "another commonwealth" but it slipped past me. High school is young, so you have time to get your novels ready and pitch to an agent.

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Amany Sayed
15:01 Aug 09, 2020

Thank you for your help! Yes, indeed :)

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Lily Kingston
04:46 Aug 08, 2020

I like the banter between the characters and the way you build tension by switching perspectives until they meet. Keep on writing!

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Amany Sayed
04:48 Aug 08, 2020

Thank you so much! You too!

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Amany Sayed
20:43 Aug 28, 2020

Hey, I just submitted Pt. 2 of this if you wanna check it out!

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02:26 Aug 08, 2020

Amazing job! This is by far the most interesting take on the prompt I’ve seen so far. Wow! Vampires! Love it. Keep writing, Amany!

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Keerththan 😀
06:36 Sep 05, 2020

Hey Amany! The story was so creative with vampires. It reminded me of Transylvania and Dracula. Well written. Enjoyed the story. Keep writing. Would you mind reading my new story and give some feedback?

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Amany Sayed
16:43 Sep 05, 2020

Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Of course, I'll go as soon as I can!

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Sarah 💜🌸
22:37 Aug 24, 2020

Ooooh, this was a wild ride. I really liked the concept and all the little twists and things to added to spice up the story. I'm really excited for part two to come out!

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Amany Sayed
00:25 Aug 25, 2020

Glad you enjoyed it! Part 2 coming this week, stay tuned!

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Tariq Saeed
12:23 Aug 23, 2020

Otherwise a good story.

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