26 comments

Aug 03, 2020

Funny

When Emilio’s popsicle slid neatly off its wooden stick and plopped in the dirt at his feet, he finally snapped. It had been a long time coming. In his fragile emotional state, watching his sugary prize melting beneath the sun’s relentless glare was more than he could stand.

    One might not think it such a big deal, especially for a grown man, but losing the frozen treat - purchased not just for palatable pleasure but also as soothing relief from the interminable heat - to the very calefaction it was meant to relieve is a cruel blow for anyone to bear. Children frequently cry when this happens, and rightly so. That adults do not is perhaps due largely to their hard-earned realization that life simply isn’t fair.

    For Emilio, the incident was merely the tip of an emotional iceberg, and his Titanic had just struck home. It was the final straw. His sanity fled with the same ease his popsicle had parted from its stick. The result was catastrophic.

    The loss of the lolly that triggered the events that followed was simply a result of the universal law of thermodynamics. To fully comprehend the underlying cause of Emilio’s meltdown, however, requires an understanding of another, lesser-known, universal law. And for that, we need to rewind a bit.




*




    Earlier that week


    Robert (sometimes Rob, never Bob) Vance sat at the bar in his favorite pub, scowling into a pint of Guinness. It may have been happy hour, but he was not. Hardly known for his sunny disposition, Robert had already made the waitress cry twice, and the night was still young. As the CEO of a multinational advertising firm, he saw taking out his displeasure on those beneath him as his god-given right. And from his lofty position in life, he thought everyone was beneath him.

    Except for his wife. Robert may have been the boss at work but Nancy wore the pants at home. She was the only one who could cow her formidable husband and she never passed up an opportunity to do so. Her constant nagging was the reason he’d escaped to the pub in the first place. And, of course, the reason for his foul mood. Nancy would strongly disapprove of him drinking during the week, so it was Robert’s way of exacting revenge, petty though it may be.

    An old man in a loud checked shirt, sandals with socks, and long, stringy gray hair sat alongside Robert at the bar. He looked like a hippy past his prime, a scraggly time traveler from the days when gas was cheap, dope was plentiful, and love was free. Noticing Robert’s gaze, the old guy nodded at the TV in the corner, tuned to the evening news. “Crying shame, isn’t it?”

    “What’s that?”

    “All this violence. And they blame the heat.” He snorted in disgust.

    “Yeah, it’s senseless, all right.” Robert hoped that his dismissive tone would discourage further small talk, but it had the opposite effect.

    “Oh no, nothing senseless about it. It’s all perfectly understandable if you’re familiar with the universal law of emotional transference.”

    “The what?” Robert figured indulging the old guy was the quickest way to get him to shut up, so he reluctantly feigned interest.

    “The universal law of emotional transference. I’ve been around the block, you know, and I’ve seen it at work time enough to know all about it.”

    “Is that like a science thing?”

    “It has a scientific basis, sure. You know how they say energy can’t be created or destroyed, just transferred from one form to another?”

    Robert had never understood that Einstein shit but nodded anyway.

    “Well, it’s the same with emotional energy. Especially negative emotional energy. There’s a finite amount of it around, so every time you take your frustrations out on someone else, you’re just passing it along. Like you did to that poor waitress.” He smiled wryly.

    Robert liked the Freudian psychobabble even less than the Einstein stuff, but he felt compelled to defend himself. “But she can just pass it along herself, right? She’ll probably take it out on the busboy or something, then she’ll feel better. No harm done.”

    “Ah-ha!” The old guy exclaimed triumphantly. “Therein lies the rub, my friend, because harm most certainly is done. Most folks just never realize it.”

    “I’m losing you.”

    “Think about it. Each time someone takes out their petty frustrations on someone else, they feel better. Like shedding a burden. But you can only safely lash out at people beneath you. It’s like they say – shit rolls downhill. But what happens at the bottom? Somewhere out there are individuals who have no one beneath them. Maybe they go home, kick the dog, and feel better. But maybe they don’t. The shit just piles up, keeps building, until… “ he mimed an explosion with his hands. Boom!

    “What’s your point here, exactly?” Robert was fast losing patience. “You’re saying it’s like karma?”

    “Oh, no. Karma is the belief that you get what you give. A nice idea, but far from realistic. People frequently don’t feel the repercussions of their petty meanness, which is why there are so many assholes in the world. I guess my point is – your actions have consequences, whether you realize it not. So, the ‘random’, ‘senseless’ violence we see? Nothing random or senseless about it, my friend.”

    Having expounded his crazy theory, the hippy then lapsed into silence. The old guy was probably just lonely and needed someone to talk to. In listening to his inane ramblings, Robert figured he’d done his good deed for the year. As for what the old man had said, he dismissed it out of hand. The eloquent theory sounded good, but it was pure bullshit. As his mother used to say – you can put lipstick on a pig but, at the end of the day, it’s still a pig.

    Amen to that.

    Robert drained his pint and made for the door.




*




    The next morning, Robert sat behind the massive desk in his opulent office, but his luxurious surroundings did little to improve his temper. He was pissed off, more so than usual. True to form, Nancy had chewed him out over his trip to the pub the evening before. His ears were still ringing from her verbal assault.

    His personal assistant strode through the door and dropped the morning’s reports on his desk with a cheerful, “Morning Bob.”

    “What did you just say?”

    “Um… morning Rob? Robert. Mr. Vance. Sir. I’m sorry, I – “

    Robert exploded, unleashing the full fury of his legendary temper. The assistant scurried out before his boss could throw something at him.

    Back at his own desk, the PA felt more than a little sorry for himself, not to mention bitterly resentful towards his arrogant boss. When his secretary brought him his coffee with two sugars instead of the preferred three, he took his frustration out on her, roundly insulting her intelligence and questioning her competence in language that could be best described as colorful. He felt much better after that.

    The secretary did not. She was furious and spoiling for a fight. Later that day, when the junior typist was five minutes late in delivering the draft minutes for the upcoming board meeting, the secretary unloaded on the girl poor in much the same way the PA had done to her.

    The typist, being the most junior employee in the building, had no one to take her rage out on. She sat with it, nursing her resentment, letting it grow and fester. When she visited the restroom and discovered there was no toilet paper, she sought out the cleaning lady and gave her a tongue lashing for her ineptitude.

    Poor Maria had just been on her way to change the toilet paper in the ladies' room and felt the chastisement was wholly unjustified. But there was nothing she could do about it. Her anger, too, just grew and grew.




    When Maria got home from work that afternoon, her husband, Emilio, greeted her in his usual exuberant way. “Hey, honey. Good day?”

    “What do you think? Could anyone who cleans toilets for a living have a good day, Emilio? Your sarcasm is not appreciated.”

    “Woah, I wasn’t being sarcastic, I was just – “

    “Did you water the plants?” Her icy tone was always a precursor to trouble.

    “The plants? Sure, just the other day. You said once a week, right? So I thought – “

    “No, Emilio, you did not think. In this heat, they need to be watered every day! That should be obvious, even to a useless imbecile like you!” Trouble had arrived. Maria proceeded to tear her hapless husband a new one.

    Emilio was used to this. He knew his wife was taking strain. They both had minimum wage jobs – he was a night security guard at the local supermarket – and were struggling to get by. Maria delt with a lot of shit at work (this was a joke Emilio frequently made to himself but never voiced to his wife; she wouldn’t have seen the funny side), so her frequent bad moods were understandable.

    He told himself all this again now, as he’d done many times before, but it didn’t eradicate his long-suppressed anger at being his spouse’s emotional punching bag. And he had no one to take it out on. They didn’t even have a dog he could kick. They had a cat, but even if he’d wanted to use it for soccer practice, the only thing Maria loved more than her Azaleas was her little Princess. Putting foot to feline would not have been a smart move.

    So, Emilio decided to deal with his frustrations in a mature, healthy way: he’d go to the park before his shift started – there was still an hour or two of daylight left – and enjoy a soothing summer popsicle, as he’d done so many times as a child. It would be a useful time-out, a way for him to compose himself before work. And, pleasant nostalgia aside, sweet relief from the sweltering heat was much needed.




*




    Park Massacre the newspaper headlines would later scream. More Random Violence Amid Record Heatwave. The television reporters filed breathless reports of how an off-duty security guard – no priors or violent history – had inexplicably snapped and gunned down several people in a quiet park with his service revolver. One victim had been the CEO of a prominent, multinational advertising firm.

The shooter’s wife and family would claim, between choking sobs, that the man had always been gentle and kind, that his actions were incomprehensible and there had been no warning signs. There was no apparent motive. Chalk another one up to random, senseless violence.

    The coroner ruled that Robert Vance’s death had been caused by the bullet that pierced his occipital lobe, but a certain old hippy would have disagreed. Vance’s death could more accurately be attributed to an unfortunate result of the law of universal emotional transference.




    When it came to the trial, Emilio insisted on testifying in his own defense, despite his attorney’s advice to the contrary. When asked on cross-examination what had sparked his deadly actions, he said only, “My popsicle melted.” It was the truth, as far as he knew, and he was under oath. Emilio was certain the jury would understand. They did not. He was sentenced to life in prison.

    The attorney was enraged at the stupidity of his client. He knew he should’ve gone for an insanity plea. After the verdict, he took his frustration out on his junior partner, for no other reason than because he could. The junior partner proceeded to… well, you get the idea.

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

26 comments

Arya Preston
16:57 Aug 04, 2020

One thing I enjoy the most is your wondrous ability to narrate stories. Your words seem to meander down a stream with such ease and it's a very significant layer to storytelling that you've mastered. I often struggle creating narration-heavy plotlines but your flow of writing is inspiring! Humourous stories are definitely my favourite and this is no exception! I particularly like this line "His sanity fled with the same ease his popsicle had parted from its stick." which seems to be the essence of the plot. I thought the ending was great...

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
10:25 Aug 05, 2020

Ha! Well spotted. 100 points. Robert, you see, hates the fact that he shares a name with a sitcom character (and a minor character, at that) which is why he never, ever, goes by Bob. Some meaningless backstory there. I'm delighted you noticed. And with your comment, as well. Thanks

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Raquel Rodriguez
05:55 Aug 04, 2020

Ooh, I actually haven't seen anyone use this prompt yet, so I think that the way you used it is very creative! Great job! :)

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
12:22 Aug 04, 2020

The first story I read on this prompt was Laura's, and that got my creative juices flowing. So if you're looking for another silly/funny popsicle tale, I'd recommend hers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. When I get round to checking, I hope I'll see a popsicle prompt story from you, too, to complete the trio :)

Reply

Raquel Rodriguez
14:59 Aug 04, 2020

Lol, maybe I will do the popsicle prompt (I already am writing a draft! :D)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Laura Clark
07:34 Aug 05, 2020

N’aw.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 2 replies
Show 1 reply
20:09 Aug 03, 2020

This story is a riot. I love your sense of humor. You painted the picture so well I could totally visualize this. And you did so well with the dialogue. All flowed so natural. I think that’s where your gift lies. Genius well done 👍🏼

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
12:15 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you so much deputy story consultant, your feedback is very much appreciated.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Mae Obusa
19:24 Aug 03, 2020

One-word titles that clinch everything in. Just yesterday, my friend hosted a conversation starter on Facebook and this is it! This is the story behind that conversation "why hurt people hurt people?" It's a vicious cycle and you captured it perfectly here. I don't have editing comments since I'm also just starting out as a writer. Guess it's always better on the reader's side than behind the desk. But reading stories like this inspires me to amplify the daily grind.

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
12:19 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks, I'm so glad I could inspire you, even just a little bit. It's a fascinating topic, why hurt people hurt people, quite true and relevant. Where I think reality differs from my story though is anyone can be a cycle-breaker. Getting hurt is no excuse to treat people poorly. If anything, hurt people should be more sensitive to causing others harm. In other words, Emilio should've rather gone for therapy. But he's in jail, so hopefully he learned his lesson. Thanks for reading!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Charles Stucker
16:11 Aug 03, 2020

Yeah, you have the gift of making it look easy. So where on life's totem pole are you? Not that I believe the hippie psychobabble for a moment. Everyone has a point where they dump on people and nobody is immune. Some don't even need anything to go wrong. And then there are the folks who let it flow away like rain off a duck. Still, it makes a good concept for a story and who doesn't like to hear about a big corporate honcho getting his? Kind of like T-rex eating a lawyer...

Reply

Mae Obusa
19:30 Aug 03, 2020

Personally, I think that he captured the picture of that psychobabble without overdoing it. Scapegoating may look light to some, some just let it flow, as you said but if it becomes your daily life, it can really be depressing. I live for the positive vibes so I totally get why Emilio went berserk in the end. Kind of stupid, Emilio's reaction, that is, but we never know what's happening in one's head and what triggers them. The last-minute addition really kept the story going even if it's the end.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Jonathan Blaauw
12:13 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks. It doesn't reflect my personal beliefs though, just fun story material. I think good people are the ones who take responsibility for their actions and don't play the victim. Quite rare, that. I think what I was trying to say is that, we see somebody lose it and call them crazy, but maybe, if we were in their shoes, their actions would seem understandable. I'm pretty sure the universal law of emotional transference was dreamed up by the hippy when he was spectacularly stoned. Charles, I love your JP reference, only you left out t...

Reply

Charles Stucker
13:31 Aug 04, 2020

But potty humor is SOOOO sophomoric. Or is that juvenile? And I did like the story- which relies on the premise. Which is why I willingly suspend disbelief, just like when I watch Captain American throws his mighty shield. Because it was a fun story and I like fun.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 2 replies
Laura Clark
14:14 Aug 03, 2020

I wish I could ‘like’ this more than once. I thoroughly enjoyed this, not least because it arrived 48 hours earlier than expected (so now you have time to write another!). I’ll do editing advice first so that I can get it out the way so that I can better focus on waxing lyrical about the bits I liked. SPaG fixes: Titanic had say - shit rolls say: you can put Paragraph break between They did not. And He was sentenced Authorial edits (suggestions not orders): I think ‘well you get the idea’ is a better ending - it’s way f...

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
14:47 Aug 03, 2020

Thank you so much. I wrote it in one sitting, something I seldom do. I don’t know what the lesson is there – less thinking, more writing, maybe? I’ve made all the fixes because I think you’re spot on. The only one I’m holding off on, only because it requires some thought, is the visible tension one. I want to work it in properly, not just as a last-minute add on. Speaking of which, the ending was a last-minute addition. It was originally going to end after the park massacre, without any of the court/lawyer stuff. Which was going to be ...

Reply

Laura Clark
18:27 Aug 03, 2020

I loved the title and think you should keep it - you have a bit of a gift for titles, I think. Love in the Time of Covid and Fear Knot are my favourites. I also think that the court and lawyer stuff rounds it off nicely. It also gives us the great line ‘they did not’ which just really tickled me. I also really like your use of italics through this. It really brings your writer’s voice to life!

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
12:06 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you so much, you're the best story consultant ever! But, now that you've put me under pressure for titles, don't be surprised if my next story is called 'The Story'. You have been warned... I'm glad I got the italics right because when I'm doing dialogue, I speak it out loud to myself in my head, and when I come across words I'd emphasize in speech - italics. I thought I might have been overdoing/misusing them, so again, here is another example of your mind-reading abilities, answering questions before they're asked. Invaluable inp...

Reply

Laura Clark
13:09 Aug 04, 2020

I dare you to use ‘the story’. I’m still trying to work in flying talking squirrels into my next story (I seem to accidentally be doing two this week). So far it’s not going brilliantly but I am determined. Squirrels will feature, even if not prominently. Italics usage here is spot on. Reading dialogue out is one of the tips I give out to people on here too so I’m glad you do it. There was actually a really good article on the Reedsy blog a few months ago about writing authentic dialogue!

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
13:41 Aug 04, 2020

You’re upping the challenge level for yourself – I think I just asked for talking squirrels. But if they fly too, I won’t complain. And, if you’re taking requests, then I’d like another pirate story. When the prompts allow. You do them so well I’m sure you were a pirate in your past life. Or this one, maybe? I do hope you’re not overly stressing about squirrel inclusions though, because none of these prompts cater to squirrels, in my opinion. Although… the quarantine one, maybe. What an idea – someone going crazy in isolation who falls in ...

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Katrina Lee
12:15 Aug 09, 2020

The way you layer narratives is masterful and intricate, each minor character that you give life to becomes the building blocks of a larger whole, without any one of which, the story wouldn't work; the thing is, it works, with your insightful observation about the less than glorious and more than humorously despicable side of the human condition. This is such a delight!😊 I'd appreciate it so much if you would be so kind to check out my story, I also wrote on this prompt!😆

Reply

Jonathan Blaauw
15:59 Aug 09, 2020

Thank you so much, really appreciate the comment. And I'm very glad I read your story because it is really very, very good.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jan H
15:26 Aug 12, 2020

Enjoyed this so much. You are so talented and have a fantastic sense of humor. I especially like the references to the Office and the 'inside" jokes'. The story unfolds in such a natural way, it makes it easy to follow. Great job.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Aditya Pillai
15:26 Aug 06, 2020

This is an absolute gem! I know I am sounding like a broken record at this point, but your writing style and humor is just so on point. Loved every bit of it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Amy Dematt
12:25 Aug 05, 2020

I loved this! One of my favorites is the joke Emilio made to himself but could never make to his wife. I like him already! This is a great story--made me think about the results of my actions, but in a way that wasn't didactic or heavy-handed. . . more amusing and sympathetic to our plight of being human. You have a gift--please keep at it--I'm learning by reading!

Reply

Show 0 replies