Contest #52 shortlist ⭐️

54 comments

Submitted on 07/27/2020

Categories: Romance Funny

In nómine Patris, et Fílii, et Spíritus Sancti. Amen.


Things sound so much better in Latin, don’t they, Father Connolly? 

I guess that’s why my parents splurged on the whole two-hour deluxe wedding package. The TLM, baby! Total. Latin. Mass. I’m sure you would have been fabulous with the Gregorian chanting. 

Father, do you want a drink? I’m sure you have an extra glass or two in the rectory somewhere. 

I don’t need a glass. I’ll just drink out of the bottle. 

I can hide out here for a bit, right? Wait for things to calm down? It’s a fucking war zone out there. I’m not gonna lie. 

Sorry, Father. 

But seriously. It’s been a day. 

Anyways, this is really, really excellent champagne. I’m just going to pour some of this in your coffee mug. What’s your mug say? Work For God—The Retirement Benefits Are Great. Hah. That’s pretty funny, Father.

Whoops, maybe a little coffee was still left in the bottom of your mug. I’m sure we’ve just created something amazing here. The Champagne Coffee Cocktail. My mother and her Botox-for-Life buddies will absolutely drink it if it’s the new thing. This could be a new little pick-me-up after their pilates classes, just before their therapy sessions. 

Mom’s going to need a lot of therapy in the future, that’s for sure. And she certainly likes new things. Things that aren’t even hers. 

Hey, there’s more champagne where this came from, Mon Père. Like, 40 bottles chilling down in the Annex, ready for the big toast. In case you didn’t hear, the toast is toast. So let’s make a dent in 40 bottles of champagne on the wall, shall we? Well, 40 minus two bottles. I think I drank two. Actually minus three, since I smashed one. It made for a very dramatic effect. Glass everywhere. Bubbles. Random screams, some of them even from other people. 

I’m sure the cork is up someone’s ass. 

Sorry, Father. 

Let's just say the past hour has been . . . difficult. Difficilis, as the Romans would say. 

I’m so glad they taught us Latin at Saint Andrew’s. So helpful, really, in learning curse words: Irrumator Praetor is a pretty elegant way to call someone a bastard, asshole, cocksucker, overall fucker. A very useful phrase today indeed. I was screaming Irrumator Praetor over and over about a half hour ago to my dearly beloved. Seriously, it felt like a Harry Potter curse. Like Voldemort was going to appear with his dementors. 

Frankly, that would have been preferable. 

This is a pretty dress. I had a veil at some point, but I think I flushed it down the toilet when I walked in on them. And not much before I was ready to be the respondeat sponsa and say, Volo. Volo! In my Total Latin Mass in front of two hundred people—Volo! I do. I did. I don’t. 

Drink your champagne, Father. 

Don’t worry, Father Connolly. You’re still getting paid. Everyone is getting paid. The florist. The caterer. The organist. The limousine driver. The wedding planner. I mean, I’m not paying, but someone is. Someone really is going to pay. 

You don’t mind if I smoke a cigar, do you? See this little box? It was supposed to be for my husband. But, we didn’t get that far, did we, Father? So, it was supposed to be a gift for my fiancé from my actual father, Father. So my fiancé—I guess he’s just a former boyfriend now, right? Anyway, my father bought a whole box of cigars and put them in this carbon fiber lacquered cigar humidor. It’s tiny, I know. Portable size for the golf course for some pretty sweet business deals that aren’t going to happen now. Guess my former future ex-husband boyfriend messed that up, too. I don’t think he’ll be working for my dad anymore. Just saying. Seeing how things all turned out. 

I’m going to light this up, all right? 

Want one? 

That’s not a bad smoke ring. I still got it. I smoked cigars in college. It made us sorority girls all look so cool, I guess. 

No, don’t worry about the ashes getting on my dress. It’s a Stella McCartney from Bergdorf, but I’m going to burn it later. With the humidor and some other stuff. Lots of other stuff. Like my baby books. Really everything in one big glorious funeral pyre. I’ll be like Dido and crawl on top and curse Aeneus. 

I’m going to sell the wedding rings, though. After all this? I should be able to pocket a few bucks from all of this hardware. You can’t sprinkle enough holy water to exorcise the demons out of these suckers, Papa. These rings, I mean look at them. My precious. Maybe Frodo should throw them into Mount Doom?

Why am I barefoot? I kicked the cake. That was one very tall cake, Father C. Let me tell you from recent experience that Jimmy Choo’s satin shoes do not hold up against buttercream frosting very well. Make a note of it in case this sort of thing happens again.

I don’t need your Kleenex, Father. These are actually tears of joy. Tears of clarity. 

Do I want to pray with you? 

Here?

No, I don’t want to pray with you, Father. What I wanted to do was to marry the man I loved in a church decorated with white roses and lilacs. I wanted a half dozen bridesmaids and groomsmen to look at us with a grotesque amount of jealousy since I purged myself into this size 4 dress. I wanted hundreds of people I hardly know to toast us with champagne and then eat some mystery chicken entrée and dance to a subpar cover band. 

Guess what I didn’t want? To drink warm champagne in a rectory with a sad-eyed priest on my wedding day. 

Fine, you want to pray? I’ll start. O Lord, hear my prayer against mothers who do not want to age gracefully. And let my cry come to you because, God, I lost my future with a man and my past with a mother whom I both loved. 

This praying stuff isn’t really hard, Father. You get paid for this? 

I shall proceed. 

Hold my cigar.

Let us pray. We beg you, Lord, to look on these your servants, and graciously uphold the institution of marriage established by you for the continuation of the human race, so that they who have been joined together by your authority may remain faithful together by your help. May matrem suam, the mothers of the world, keep their filthy hands off their daughter’s husbands. 


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54 comments

15:32 Aug 13, 2020

Too CREATIVE, GOSH!! At first I actually thought she was just cussing on God and saying nonsense but then I realized she was drunk (insert twenty laugh emojis!), and then I was like: EXPLAINS A WHOLE LOT. This was unbelievably hilarious Deidra! And I love the way you really had that Roman Catholic aura well, AND the creativity is something I most absolutely envy! WOW WOW WOW! (P.S would you like to read my recent and first entries, 'Summer was warm' and 'Kaima'? Thanks :D)

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Deidra Lovegren
19:17 Aug 13, 2020

You got it. I'd love to read your stuff :) Thanks for the great comments.

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21:20 Aug 13, 2020

Thanks for your great stories!!!

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Jonathan Blaauw
15:08 Aug 25, 2020

I hopped on this cause of the first line I saw in the little preview thing. Your religious work always inspires me, you see, so this was a must-read. I was laughing all the way – from ‘TLM, baby!’ to ‘Hold my cigar.” As comedians, we tread fine lines at times, especially with tricky topics like this, and you, again, do incredibly well in going all-out funny without venturing into distasteful territory. It seems easy, in theory, but I’m sure you can relate to writing and stopping to think, ‘Hang on, can I say that?’ multiple times. So I can ...

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Deidra Lovegren
15:42 Aug 25, 2020

As comedians, we know there are no lines. Everything is transient and foolish. Control is an illusion. We know that all fools, especially Shakespearean ones, are the only people with a modicum of truth and an abundance of bravery to see the world as it really is. Hence, my favorite quote: "I now know that if you describe things as better as they are, you are considered to be romantic. If you describe things as worse than they are, you are called a realist. If you describe things exactly as they are, you are called a satirist."

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00:18 Aug 20, 2020

Incredible! I loved how the dialogue was implied and how the scenes jumped over each other in a messy, chaotic stream of recollection from a woman trying to collect herself. It was so raw and realistic, very "dark academia" so to say. I loved the Latin and filial piety themes, overall a fun and wild read!

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Deidra Lovegren
00:23 Aug 20, 2020

Thanks Jordan! Your comments give me life 🎊

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Len Mooring
23:45 Aug 18, 2020

What a twist. You're a genius, girl. I'll never get any work done if you keep writing.

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Deidra Lovegren
23:47 Aug 18, 2020

“Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Need” is my most autobiographical. Raising three boys🥴

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Mary Black rose
14:12 Aug 07, 2020

Your story kept me laughing and laughing! This was the best one for this prompt I've read so far! Humor is hard to write! You nailed it! Sorry that the mother nailed your MC's groom, 😂 but such a great read!

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Deidra Lovegren
17:18 Aug 07, 2020

Thanks for the support :) I just got an email that this was shortlisted, so very pleased.

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Mary Black rose
22:21 Aug 07, 2020

Oh yay! Very deserving of it! I was in stitches laughing. Had my wife read it and she enjoyed it as well. 😁

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Mae Obusa
21:29 Aug 05, 2020

From the stories I've read from this prompt, this is by far the most creative. Who knew ranting in front of a priest who was probably trying to appease her could be so creative?

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Deidra Lovegren
22:08 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks, Mae! I appreciate your kind remarks ❤️

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India Moon
18:59 Aug 04, 2020

Such an unusual storytelling style. Feels like a theatre monologue. I enjoyed it thoroughly, I won't be surprised if this wins! Good luck!

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Deidra Lovegren
19:27 Aug 04, 2020

There may be far too many curse words to win, but how could the narrator not swear a blue streak under the circumstance?! AGH THE HORROR :0 Thanks for the good wishes. Best luck on your writing!

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Danielle Rose
17:02 Aug 04, 2020

This was so fun to read! I love the details like the satin Jimmy Choos kicking the wedding cake and the veil getting flushed. Imagining her just covered in cake and drinking while ranting to her priest is pretty hilarious. Well done 👍

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Deidra Lovegren
17:07 Aug 04, 2020

Always fun to write a train wreck! Thanks for reading. :)

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Aditya Pillai
15:45 Aug 03, 2020

This is an absolute gem of a read! Was smiling throughout, the characterization is so well done and relatable. Really, really good. Thanks for sharing this beauty with all of us! Would love it if you could check out mine (a very different style though!) :)

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Deidra Lovegren
16:12 Aug 03, 2020

Thank you for the delightful comment! I look forward to reading your work. :)

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Daniela Vaudrey
19:00 Jul 27, 2020

I really like this! It’s cool how it’s just one person talking to God (if I understood right). This is very unique as I find normally stories are in the moment of what happened.

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Deidra Lovegren
20:02 Jul 27, 2020

I was going for a very drunk bride talking to a parish priest about catching her mother and fiance together, but God works, too. Thanks for reading :)

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Daniela Vaudrey
07:45 Jul 28, 2020

Oh, I thought she was talking to God because it was more of a one sided conversation. I really like the story though!

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Tariq Saeed
16:57 Aug 16, 2020

Good.

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Deidra Lovegren
17:08 Aug 16, 2020

Thanks Tariq :)

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Zilla Babbitt
18:50 Aug 14, 2020

This made me grin!

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Deidra Lovegren
18:59 Aug 14, 2020

High praise :) I'm a huge fan of yours!!

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07:28 Aug 06, 2020

Really enjoyed the story.. all the details and Latin and obvious cursings, made it so interesting.. wonderful story!!

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Deidra Lovegren
08:35 Aug 06, 2020

Glad you enjoyed it ❤️ Thanks for commenting!

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15:56 Aug 02, 2020

Tremendously funny and well-crafted. You have sketched hysteria masterfully. Another great one. Keep going.

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Deidra Lovegren
16:11 Aug 02, 2020

Your comment gives me life :) Thanks for reading and taking time to comment. Which one of yours should I read next?

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20:30 Aug 02, 2020

You don't have to. Pick whichever you feel like reading. Keep up the good work.

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Roshna Rusiniya
09:15 Aug 02, 2020

This is a great story. A clever take on the prompt. Very well-done!

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Deidra Lovegren
10:16 Aug 02, 2020

Thanks 🙏🏻 Best wishes in your writing pursuits ✨

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Roshna Rusiniya
10:34 Aug 02, 2020

You are welcome! Would you also check out mine if you have time? Thanks! :)

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Deidra Lovegren
11:15 Aug 02, 2020

Absolutely ❤️

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Nice! I love the structure of your story and the way you tell it. If my soon-to-be husband kissed my MOM I would be furious too. Relatable. Could you please read my stories? Have a great day/night!

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Deidra Lovegren
10:10 Aug 02, 2020

Thanks 🙏🏻 for your comment. I will happily read your work.

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Your welcome! Hope you're safe!

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Laura Clark
20:43 Aug 01, 2020

Well this is a bit of a gem! This prompt is quite restrictive and I think a lot of people have written the same type of story so reading this was a bit of a breath of fresh air! I love the way you monologue for the entire thing but still manage to make it clear that a dialogue is happening with the priest. The Latin interspersed is a brilliant touch and you’ve built the character of the bride so well, including hints of backstory for the other characters too. Love this - well done!

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Deidra Lovegren
20:53 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you so much for your specific, elegant feedback. It's so nice not to just write into the void. I appreciate your time and effort in reading my poor drunken bride's rant. I'm sure she'll get over it, eventually. The priest? Not so much. :)

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Laura Clark
20:55 Aug 01, 2020

You’re very welcome! I feel I may not have expressed my love for this piece well enough though- this is an excellent piece of writing and you should be very proud of it!

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Deidra Lovegren
21:03 Aug 01, 2020

At the risk of being obnoxious, if you have allegedly fully grown adult children who drive you mad, here is my own poor drunken ranting: https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/51/submissions/26786/ (Writing it was very cathartic...)

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Laura Clark
21:04 Aug 01, 2020

The link won’t work for me but is it the No One Really Explains one? Because I’ve just finished reading that and I very much enjoyed it! I need to go back to the judging pool but I got derailed reading some of your old pieces!

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Deidra Lovegren
21:06 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you. That means so much to me. Good luck judging :) Your efforts are so appreciated.

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Deborah Angevin
07:28 Jul 31, 2020

I read the first sentence, couldn't understand it, but makes me want to read the story to understand it. Love it! Would you mind checking my recent story out, "A Very, Very Dark Green"? Thank you!

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A.d Bunni
21:26 Jul 29, 2020

I seriously dont know how you do it!! Your writing is always so fun and well written, its a little intimidating lol!!

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Deidra Lovegren
22:45 Jul 29, 2020

Thanks 🙏🏻 for the generous and thoughtful comment!

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Grace M'mbone
09:56 Jul 29, 2020

I found some kind of humour in the bride's words and I laughed, even smiled at some of what she said. Deidra you are really gifted. I loved this. I think it's my favourite of your work. I love everything about it, the introduction, the flow, the conclusion. Oh my. I am in love with this, really. And to think I struggled with that prompt and eventually gave up. Wow Deidra. Brilliant. It would be an honour to have you look at my story, Tell God and give it a critique. I am awed by this story Deidra. Wow.

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Deidra Lovegren
11:48 Jul 29, 2020

Thanks for your kind remarks 😊 I’ll be honored to read your story.

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