36 comments

Jul 27, 2020

Mystery Drama



“What the hell?” asked an astonished Luke.

He did a double-take and knew Dave is the one sitting on a bench in the park. To verify it, Dave waves at him with one of his goofy smiles.

“This can not be possible,” said Luke, about to cross the street, but immediately turned around before the bus took him out.

He looked back over at the bench, expecting to see Dave gone, but he was still there.

Luke looked both ways then hurried across the street. As he took each step toward his friend he was expecting it to change to someone else, but when he stopped five feet away it was indeed Dave.

“Oh crap!” cried out Luke as he quickly took out his mask to put it on.

“No need for that,” said Dave with a smile.

“I thought you were dead?” asked Luke as he lowered his arm.

“I am,” responded Dave. “The reason why there is no need for the mask. I’m past the point of contracting the virus, and it becoming fatal.”

Luke took a couple of steps back. He studied his friend for a moment. His balding head, beady eyes, chubby cheeks, bulbous nose, large ears, and one to always wear a puffy jacket no matter how the weather is outside.

“Maybe I was killed by the bus so now I can see Dave,” thought Luke. “That sucks if I’m still on this planet when I die.”

Then he wanted to smack his head because he recalled seeing Dave before he tried to cross the street.

“Quit thinking so hard.”

Luke stared at Dave, who continued to smile, as many memories flashed through his mind.

The two met when they were just going into middle school. Both were picking blueberries over the summer break. Luke noticed Dave pick a berry and put it in the bucket, then pick another one and pop it in his mouth.

“They are going to catch you one of these times,” he told Dave.

“Good since this job sucks,” responded Dave.

The two chuckled then started talking, finding out they had many similar likes. It was the start of a friendship that had its good moments and its bad moments. Bad moments that Luke thought he caused many of them.

“I was a spoiled, selfish brat for so many years,” he thought as he looked back. “The reason why I had so few friends from my past to the present.”

His dear friend. His best friend. One that stuck by him all of these years until the day he lost him.

“Why would you do such a thing?” muttered Luke.

“Because I knew you needed a friend,” Dave responded as his smile widened.

Luke was taken aback, not thinking that Dave heard him.

“To be my friend after the names I called you?” asked Luke. “How much I could be a bully to you just to be buddies with others?”

“I tried to look at the good,” said Dave. “I guess you can thank my grandpa on that one.”

Luke took a couple of steps toward Dave. The memories that haunted him came to an end for the moment bringing him fully to the present.

“Am I dreaming?” he asked. “Hallucinating? Passed out?”

“None of them,” Dave responded. “Why don’t you sit down so we can talk? I don’t know how much time I have here.”

Luke reluctantly went over and sat next to Dave trying to grasp the situation he was in.

“So you are truly dead?” asked Luke.

“Yes indeed,” replied Dave. “And I am here to visit you.”

“Why would you be here to visit me? I would think you would want to see family members or a better friend.”

“I’m here to see you,” said Dave. “To give you some advice.”

“Advice?” asked Luke. Advice from a friend who is now dead. A dead guy giving him advice.

Luke closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure.

“Let go of your past,” stated Dave. “Concentrate on the present and to the future.”

“Huh?” responded Luke.

“It’s as simple as that, but many people make it difficult. You are one of them.”

“You came back from the dead to see me just to say that?” asked Luke, feeling like Scrooge at the moment. Made him wonder if he was about to be visited by other ghosts.

“Let your past sins go,” said Dave. “Quit thinking about what you did.”

Luke remained silent. As the years went by he thought more and more of his past ills.

For many years he used the excuse of how he was treated as the reason why he became such a jerk. Kids and even some so-called adults treated him poorly so he felt it was okay to treat others poorly.

“Such a lame excuse?” he thought.

“Life will continue to spiral down for you if you do not let go,” said Dave. “I believe there is a movie that has a famous song called, “Let It Go.”

Luke had to chuckle a little since Dave was dead set against those types of movies.

“Does this happen for other people?” he asked Dave.

“I wouldn’t have a clue,” replied Dave. “I popped up on the bench, and it just came to me to have a chat with you. You are a lucky man to have such a thing.”

“Did God send you to me?” asked Luke.

“We are his children. Wouldn’t you want your children to go down the right path?”

“It would be nice if God put up some roadblocks.”

“We would find a way to get past it,” chuckled Dave.

There was a moment of silence.

“I’m glad to see you again,” said Luke.

“Hopefully, one day we can see each other again,” said Dave standing up. “As long as you change your attitude, and look forward to it.”

“Today is an eye-opener,” said Luke. “Thank you.”

“No problem buddy. Time to move on.”

Dave started walking down the path until he faded away.

Luke sat there. One by one he let each terrible memory go. He knew they would never go away, but at least he could stop thinking about them every day.


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36 comments

Psuedonymous H
08:29 Jul 30, 2020

A good solid reading...I would have preferred it if it had less dialogue and more telling of the bad memories using flashbacks etc. A writer only becomes better by writing, so continue to do that. I would also really appreciate any feedback on my short story "Eleanor".

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Corey Melin
00:40 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you for the comments. I will check out your story

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Daniela Vaudrey
08:10 Jul 27, 2020

This is really good! You used the coronavirus right?

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Corey Melin
16:17 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you for the comments. I threw in the virus and the use of a mask, which we have to do around here wherever we go that has people.

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Daniela Vaudrey
16:19 Jul 27, 2020

I like how you did it!

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Chrissy Lemon
05:20 Aug 19, 2020

This is so good!

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A.d Bunni
20:39 Aug 04, 2020

This was a great read, but some more descriptions would have been better to make it more complete. Other than that, great descriptions! Would you mind checking out my story, "Apparition"?

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Corey Melin
20:50 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you and I'm finding out by other comments that I could have done better. It doesn't surprise me since as I continued to write this story I was losing my creative juices so knew it wasn't going to do well. I will check out your story once I'm done with my work day.

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A.d Bunni
03:28 Aug 05, 2020

It's okay, don't feel too down on yourself. Make great writing sometimes, but maybe not all the time <3 Just do your best!

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A. S.
19:11 Aug 01, 2020

Good job! I would have loved if you had included a little bit more description. This was a very interesting take on the prompt and I really enjoyed reading. Will you read my new story “On The Edge” and let me know what you think?

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Corey Melin
19:49 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for the comments! There is so much more I thought about doing with this story but my creative juices took a slump last week. I will check out your story.

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Deborah Angevin
23:16 Jul 31, 2020

I love the dialogues (and the way it carries the plot forward!) Would you mind checking my recent story, "A Very, Very Dark Green?" Thank you :)

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Corey Melin
03:23 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for the comments! I will check out your story

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Emily K
21:39 Jul 31, 2020

I love the way you described the characters and you did a great job developing them and conveying their personalities. Nice job!

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Corey Melin
03:22 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for the comments!

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Adhi Das
08:21 Jul 31, 2020

Nicely done ☺️

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Corey Melin
03:22 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for the comments

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D. Jaymz
05:28 Jul 31, 2020

A tender story of redemption, Corey. I enjoyed it.

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Corey Melin
03:21 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for the comments

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Juliet Martin
07:58 Jul 28, 2020

Ahh I think this a sweet, brief story. I love how strong your two characters are - I think you do a good job of bringing out quirks that make them seem realistic, especially Dave with his tendency to wear puffer jackets! This is really effective as it is their relationship that drove the plot and kept me reading - this is a really simple premise and works really well here. There are really emotive moments, like when we realise Dave is Luke's only friend, and when Luke asks why it is him that Dave came to see, and I think you do really well a...

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Corey Melin
13:58 Jul 28, 2020

Greatly appreciate the comments. Usually I can get into my stories, but this one I was having a tough time and actually thinking about not submitting but went ahead and did it.

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Juliet Martin
14:06 Jul 28, 2020

Haha I know the feeling! It's always great to get feedback on your less confident work as well as your best, and I personally think theres a lot of things here that you do really well!

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Corey Melin
14:53 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you!

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Charles Stucker
03:55 Jul 28, 2020

The mask reference will date this fairly quickly. You might have more than the singular flashback, to flesh out the protagonist's "jerkness." You have a few little edit points, like "feeling like the Scrooge at the moment" get rid of "the" before scrooge. or "It’s as simple as that, but so many people make it so difficult." Could delete both so's. A rule of thumb when you do self edits- most uses of "that" and "so" can be eliminated and when they don't change the meaning (in a meaningful way) delete them. Overall, it's not bad, b...

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Corey Melin
04:04 Jul 28, 2020

Always appreciate the feedback. It's amazing when I self edit how many "that" I eliminate. I know there was so much more potential for this story, but wasn't able to dive into it like I wanted to so brought it to an abrupt end. To win or sale is always a plus, but my main point is to try to entertain readers. Thanks once again!

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Tvisha Yerra
02:42 Jul 28, 2020

Love this! Just one thing, to make those conversations sound less formal, use more contractions, but interesting story!

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Corey Melin
03:07 Jul 28, 2020

Greatly appreciate the comments!

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Scott Doran
17:11 Jul 27, 2020

I loved the comment about how if God put up roadblocks, we would find a way around them. Pretty insightful observation.

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Corey Melin
18:16 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you for the comments. Humanity is good at blaming God for all the problems we face when we in fact cause most of the issues. Children misbehaving.

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11:43 Jul 27, 2020

Corey, you always surprised me with your job. This story went soo deep of my heart. It would be so good if we could talk to a dead person... Your stories always trigger some old memories. I feel connected with your stories. Keep Writing. :D

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Corey Melin
18:09 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you for the comments. What gave me the idea is that even though we were not close like in the story, there was a friend of my cousins that I socialized quite a bit that pasted away almost a month ago named Dave.

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14:16 Jul 28, 2020

Yeah! It happens sometimes, Corey that we start feeling an invisible connection to even a stranger - I remember one incident happened with me - it would sound silly to you... I met a person in train, I highly attached to him, and I cried a lot for him when he went away. :(

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Corey Melin
14:56 Jul 28, 2020

Yes indeed. Unfortunately it happens more and more often as you get older. Take care

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17:08 Jul 28, 2020

Yeah, Corey, you too.

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08:38 Jul 27, 2020

Hi Corey! This is good! I often wonder what it would be like to someone who has passed and have chat with them! I would have liked what Luke had to let go of...

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Corey Melin
18:07 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you for the comments. When it comes to Luke and what he had to let go, it was all the negative thoughts he had of the past. Nothing you can do about it so move forward and try to better your life.

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