Good morning! Snorri, thunder deity extraordinaire, here for your repairs. You do have damages, don’t you? Attic and third floor balcony, plus a derelict lightning rod? Yeah, I’m usually right about this stuff. For a minute there, I thought my GPS was—no, I promise this isn’t a scam, and I’m not crazy.
You want me to prove it? Well, that’ll take some talking. You sure you don’t want me to assess those damages while I’m at it? Appraisal is on the house, and if my story doesn’t convince you, your repairs will be on the house as well. One-time new customer discount, no exclusions apply! Great, I’ll just grab my toolbox—every thunder deity’s best friend.
You’re probably wondering about this toolbox. Oh, you’d prefer to hear about thunder deities? Like I said, I’m not crazy. First off, take the name Snorri. That’s not a name you hear every day. In fact, I’ll bet you this busted lightning rod that you’ve never heard the name before I showed up. I’m not sure why my mother picked it, to be honest. It’s fine for sixth-century Scandinavia, but not exactly the most popular name in the modern twenty-first. Anyway, my mother was running out of names. She’d already used up Thor, so I couldn’t have it.
That’s right, Loki isn’t the big guy’s only brother. I blame it on the film industry. I mean, everybody’s either loving or hating Norse mythology’s greatest villain, right? Don’t tell him I said that, but at least he gets publicity. What’s this got to do with thunder? Well, think about it. If Loki has the press and Thor has the lightning-hammer-thing, what does that leave me? The thunder, obviously. But most people aren’t that logical. They assume that Thor got the lightning and thunder in some kind of package deal. No, Odin’s not that efficient. He was trying to be fair, proportionate powers parcel or something, and I wound up with the thunder.
The problem is, what good is thunder? I mean, Thor’s got a hammer he can throw, lightning he can summon, even a fancy red cape he can wear when they need him on set. It doesn’t just look impressive, either. Why else do you think I’m carting around this toolbox? Because lightning is dangerous, that’s why. Whenever big brother gets careless, grass gets singed, Internet gets spotty, mortals get surprised. Yeah, just like you did when the tiles flew off your roof. Lightning makes stuff happen. Thunder—well, thunder’s just an aftereffect.
You’re right, none of this is proof. I could be a delusional nerd with a fixation on the Norse gods, for all you know. Okay, here’s the proof. Listen, hear that? A rumble of thunder, obviously. Just so you know it wasn’t chance, I’ll do it again. This time, closer and louder. Hear that? It could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance, even though I did predict the noise level with fair accuracy.
For the final demonstration, right over this house. If you take a look out the window, you’ll see bright blue skies, a scattering of cumulus clouds, and absolutely no storms. But now—feel that? The whole frame of the house is shaking. And you didn’t see any lightning in that blue sky before the thunder rolled, did you? Like I said, thunder deity extraordinaire.
Even if you believe me, thunder still isn’t that great. I never asked to be the reason petrified children scramble into sleepy parents’ bedrooms during midnight storms. My only impressive record tallies up the number of kids who hide under blankets whenever I’m around. Believe me, it’s a big number. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m so unknown—I’d rather be a nobody than the world’s most feared deity. Even the press wouldn’t be worth it. Do you know how many customers have a thunder phobia? It would be terrible for business, not to mention my social life.
Now you’re probably thinking that an electrical damage repair-deity doesn’t have a social life. That’s okay, you can say it. If terrifying children wasn’t enough, another perk of this job is being Thor’s shadow. If he so much as sparkles a bolt, I’m there to follow up. If he wants noise to enhance his grand entrances, I’m his DJ. And if his power gets the slightest bit out of control, I’m out for repairs. Why else do you think I’m here now?
That’s right, the lightning that hit your house last night is courtesy of Thor. See, sometimes big brother gets a little nervous. He thinks I’m stealing his thunder—literally—which is ridiculous. You don’t know how many times Odin’s tried to drill it into his head—not literally—that the thunder is Snorri’s and the lightning is Thor’s. If anyone’s stealing my thunder, it’s Loki. I try to keep the noise within the expected limits, so anything excessive or wildly out of place is probably Loki’s fault. But that’s not important for our purposes. Your balcony, your attic, your lightning rod—they have Thor’s mark all over them.
See, whenever Thor gets nervous, he feels like he has to show off. I guess he’s trying to prove his worth, or maybe his awesomeness, or maybe both. Either way, he’s got this system of letting off a few bolts at whatever happens to be in the vicinity whenever he gets the nervous twitch. In ninth-century Scandinavia, this was usually the nearest fjord, and any grass he happened to singe would just grow again. These days, he can hardly throw anywhere without hitting a house, and the harder he tries, the less accurate his aim. From the looks of this balcony, I’d say he was aiming for the lightning rod. That would have been a nice, neat shot, no repairs necessary—if he hadn’t missed the lightning rod the first time, overcompensated his next shot, and taken out the attic too. And who’s there to fix Thor’s mistakes? Take a wild guess.
Anyway, down to business. It’s not as bad as it looks, really. If you’ll pardon a little more thunder, we’ll shake the attic tiles back into place and straighten the balcony supports, like so. The lightning rod took a little more strain, but let me see—gloves are essential for this operation—I think I can just grab and straighten. How? Well, I don’t always have to make noise. Sometimes, if I’m feeling lucky, I can channel the thunder into strength. It’s too bad the strength isn’t permanent—I could definitely give Thor a run for his money!
Speaking of money, you don’t owe me anything. Didn’t I say repairs would be on the house? Most of the time, people think I’m a crazy, or a scammer—but I guess that’s more likely than Snorri, thunder deity extraordinaire. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!