One Of Us

Submitted for Contest #47 in response to: Suitcase in hand, you head to the station.... view prompt

30 comments

Submitted on 06/26/2020

Categories: Adventure

Hey, you!


Have you ever thought about your ability to sight colour?


To be able to see the yellow line marking on the train station.


To be able to see the green signage that shows the track and the departure time.


To be able to see the silver vehicle that will bring you to your wished destination.


To be able to see the brown from the leather where you will be seated for the next three hours.


To be able to see the bright blue sky out of the window.


To be able to see the black sleeveless dress that the lady beside you are wearing.


To be able to see the pink lipstick on her thick, pouty lips.


Or did you take your eyesight for granted?


Oh, please don't.


Because unlike us, you are not a hideous thing.


And when you become a creature like us, you will start to regret those days when you can enjoy all the colours in the world.


But, today, let us ask one personal question.


Have you ever thought about the most appetizing shade of colour?


For us, it is red and pink.


---


Hey, you!


Have you ever thought about your ability to hear noises?


To be able to listen to the friction between the wheels and the railing of the train.


To be able to listen to the conversation of the elder women sitting behind you.


To be able to listen to the crying sound of a baby at the end of the carriage.


To be able to listen to the announcement of the next stop of the train.


To be able to listen to the rattle of the handles on the ceiling that bump against each other when the vehicle come to a stop.


To be able to listen to the sniffle coming from the lady beside you after her quick phone call.


To be able to listen to her voice that tells you about her ex, whom she was about to visit, yet just made her heart shatters.


Or did you take your hearing for granted?


Oh, please don't.


Because unlike us, you have no malice.


And when you become a creature like us, you will start to regret those days when you can hear all sorts of noise.


But, today, let us ask one personal question.


Have you ever thought about the most pleasant sound heard?


For us, it is when someone screams for their life.


---


Hey, you!


Have you ever thought about your ability to smell odour?


To be able to smell the smokes coming out of the train when you climb down from it.


To be able to smell the sweat of people as they surround you in a queue to go out of the station.


To be able to smell the fresh air when you reach the centre of the city.


To be able to smell the coffee beans that are just roasted as you enter the coffee shop nearby.


To be able to smell the stench from the dumpster in the dark alleyway, not too far away from the coffee shop.


To be able to smell the perfume that attaches itself onto the lady in the black sleeveless dress who has been accompanying you for the day.


To be able to smell the pungent liquid gushing out from her body.


Or did you take it for granted?


Oh, please don't.


Because unlike us, you are not violent being.


And when you become a creature like us, you will start to regret those days when you can sniff all the odours around you.


But, today, let us ask one personal question.


Have you ever thought about most dizzying smell a human can make?


For us, it is the smell of the blood pouring all over us.


---



Hey, you!


Have you ever thought about your ability to feel the texture?


To be able to feel the smoothness of a cotton white shirt that you are wearing.


To be able to feel the hardness of the concrete road where you place your knees on, towering over the lady.


To be able to feel the prickliness of the zipper of the suitcase that you have dragged the whole day. 


To be able to feel the sharpness of the hammer that you always bring every time you travel.


To be able to feel the tough friction when the hammer pierces through the bones and joints.


To be able to feel the softness of a woman’s flesh, especially the thigh.


To be able to feel the stickiness of that red-coloured bodily fluid that continuously flow.


Or did you take it for granted?


Oh, please don't.


Because unlike us, you are not bloodthirsty.


And when you become a creature like us, you will start to regret those days when you are capable of remembering those sensations in your fingers.


But, today, let us ask one personal question.


Have you ever thought about the greatest texture to feel?


For us, it is the springiness and the chewiness that pierces over our sharp teeth.


---


Hey, you!


Have you ever thought about your ability to savour the flavour?


To be able to taste the saltiness of the sweat dripping from the forehead.


To be able to taste the briny taste of the cry that stream down the woman’s cheek.


To be able to taste the tanginess coming from the palm of the lifeless body.


To be able to taste the earthiness of the red liquid that splashes all over your face.


To be able to taste the honey-like taste of the raw flesh that you just cut.


To be able to taste the smokiness of the charcoal that immerses itself into the grilled flesh.


To be able to taste the slightly acidic aftertaste as you swallow the meat.


Or did you take it for granted?


Oh, please don't.


Because unlike us, you are not barbaric.


And when you become a creature like us, you will start to regret those days when you can describe and recognize every single flavour accurately.


But, today, let us ask one personal question.


Have you ever thought about the most flavoursome dish in the world?


For us, it is the taste of human meat.


---


Hey, you!


Suitcase in your hand, you head to the station. Buying the ticket, you are ready to flee to the next destination.


With your eyes, you are finding a new target on the station.


With your ears, you are eavesdropping the target’s issues.


With your nose, you are smelling of the target’s blood, mixed with their body odour.


With your hands, you are separating the bones from the target’s body.


With your tongue, you are eating the freshly grilled flesh from your target.


And you repeat that again and again.


Did you take your five senses for granted?


Oh, please don’t.


Because unlike us, you are...


Wait, are you one of us?


Because when you turn into one of us, you will no longer sense anything. You simply want to jump over a human to fill your insatiable hunger.


Because when you turn into one of us, you become simply turn into a hideous, violent, malicious, bloodthirsty, and barbarous creature.


So, today, just one last personal question.


Are you a ghoul like us?


Ah, no need for an answer.


I am sure you are one of us.

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30 comments

Emaan Amin
17:18 Jul 02, 2020

You surely know how to make a masterpiece. God job :)

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Deborah Angevin
07:45 Jul 03, 2020

Thank you for your time reading it! :)

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Deborah Mercer
08:53 Jul 02, 2020

Hi, here's your namesake, checking out a story as requested and a pleasure to do so. Even though this "subject area" isn't one that generally massively appeals to me, I was mighty impressed. I think that the interogatory (not sure if that word exists, but never mind!) telling worked perfectly with the second person manner of storytelling. The first paragraph made me think it was about someone who was blind, and the way it gradually developed was gripping.

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Deborah Angevin
07:46 Jul 03, 2020

Glad that you liked it, Deborah! :)

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Corey Melin
02:33 Jul 01, 2020

Imaginative take on the senses. For me the issue of grammatical errors or usage of wording is bottom of the list as long as I see the full use of the imagination and fully understand the storyline. You succeeded.

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Deborah Angevin
10:26 Jul 01, 2020

Thank you for reading it and for the feedback, Corey! :)

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Brooke D. ❤
15:50 Jun 30, 2020

Hey, Deborah! Here's some feedback from me like you requested. I actually really liked the repeativity of the sections of the story. At first I thought that 'us' was (there's no way to put it lightly) dead people. But then I read the last line in the second section. Overall, this was a dark story, but a beautifully written story. Keep writing and stay safe! -Brooke

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Brooke D. ❤
15:52 Jun 30, 2020

I also saw just a couple of grammatical errors here and there. But nothing major!

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Deborah Angevin
21:10 Jun 30, 2020

I did keep the "us" open to interpretation for the first part, just so readers intrigued to continue on reading. Glad someone noticed that! Thank you for the time to read it and the feedback :D

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Brooke D. ❤
22:27 Jun 30, 2020

My pleasure! :D

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14:34 Jun 30, 2020

I enjoyed the pattern found throughout the whole story. It had a great concept and had a great flavor. I enjoy your writing style and the subtle hints of horror found lurking within your writing, eventually leading to a phenomenal finale. Sincerely, A.

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Deborah Angevin
21:07 Jun 30, 2020

Thank you for reading and enjoying it :)

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Dobby's Sock
13:49 Jun 30, 2020

Hey Deborah So every passage starts with a call to the reader as in: "Hey, you!" and the second line is always in the same pattern, and the lines after it runs in similar fashion to each other. I think all of it would have worked better like this: "To be able to <do this 1>, <do this 2>, <do this 3>. You would have <done this 1>, <done this 2>. Or maybe you would have <done this 1>, <done this 2>, <done this 3>" and so on. This creates variety. Attention span of most people to read a short story is anyway less, so dividing anything into m...

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Deborah Angevin
21:06 Jun 30, 2020

Thanks for reading and I appreciate your feedback :). It was originally as you said: <done this 1>, <done this 2>,<done this 3>. But since I wanted it to be poetry-like and repetitive, I changed it to the way it is now 😅

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Dobby's Sock
05:48 Jul 01, 2020

The poetry ran too long in my opinion, but I understand what you tried to do there.

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Khizra Aslam
10:25 Jun 30, 2020

The way you portray your story in a beautiful poetic way is no doubt a brilliant way of expressing the scenarios. I loved every word of it❤

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Deborah Angevin
21:02 Jun 30, 2020

Thank you and glad you enjoyed it ❤

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23:50 Jun 27, 2020

This was an excellent read. Awesome. I loved the way you used all the scenes to engage the reader. Epic.

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Deborah Angevin
09:47 Jun 28, 2020

Thank you for reading it! :)

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13:46 Jun 28, 2020

It was my pleasure. I look forward to reading more.

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10:24 Jun 26, 2020

Deborah, this is so wonderful. I love how your story is unique. The only thing I'd like to see is at the ending, you'll write "I know you are one of us" instead of "I think you are one of us" Being certain about something leaves a stronger effect. Great story. Keep it up!

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Deborah Angevin
13:32 Jun 26, 2020

Thank you for the feedback! That definitely brings a greater impact :o

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13:54 Jun 26, 2020

You're welcome :)

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Anja Z
09:23 Jun 26, 2020

Beautiful poetic story well said and beautiful message you brought through. : D

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Deborah Angevin
09:30 Jun 26, 2020

Thank you for reading it! :D

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Roshna Rusiniya
09:17 Jun 26, 2020

Wow! This was so beautiful. The repetition makes it so poignant. I loved it! Thanks for sharing Deborah. Keep writing!

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Deborah Angevin
09:30 Jun 26, 2020

Thank you for checking it out Roshna! Glad that you like it! :)

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Roshna Rusiniya
09:32 Jun 26, 2020

You are welcome Deborah❤️

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08:56 Jul 18, 2020

I really liked the repetitive construction. It makes for a really nice short story with naive questions and a deep meaning. I really liked the ending, the last sentences. I also liked the perspective, no opinions, just truth. Very good read.

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Deborah Angevin
21:27 Jul 18, 2020

Thank you for the review, Victorie!

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