5 comments

“Welcome to the 6:00 news. I’m your anchor, Oswald Faux. In an attempt to combat the overpopulation crisis in the United States, a new groundbreaking study was conducted. The results of this study conclude that one in three men over the age of 30 have had a vasectomy. ” Oswald habitually tapped his stack of blank papers against the desk and looked toward his coanchor in one swift motion, “Pretty interesting stuff, Veronica.”

“Absolutely, that is a shocking number. Didn't you have one last year?”

“Why, yes, I did! I must say that my ex-wife didn’t take the news well.”

Veronica let out a rehearsed laugh, “I bet she didn’t.” She turned a practiced look toward the camera and added, “And now we’ll hear from Claire Voyant with the weather. Claire?”

The camera panned to a young, twenty-something blonde-haired bombshell with perfectly straight, glossy hair that flowed down to her back. Her blue eyes really popped through the heavy eyeliner on her porcelain face. She smiled a radiantly white smile, her eagerness to become a popular meteorologist shining through with each word she uttered. “Thanks, Veronica. Well, as you can see, summer has definitely hit. We’ll be seeing highs of 80 degrees Monday through Friday with little to no chance for rain. Ladies, if you have those thongs, it’s time to break them out. Gentlemen, be respectful. Back to you, Veronica!” 

“That’s wonderful news. I can’t wait to get to the beach.” Veronica looked at Oswald, waiting for his response. 

“I’ll say! You’ve been single for some time now. That dating pool of yours must gathering quite a bit of dust.”

“Always the joker!” Veronica added cheerfully. 

“But in other news tonight, a statement issued by the UCOP has stated that President Dunderhead is now a vegan. Polls conducted over the past week have shown a decline in support for the president among the vegan community. He’s definitely going to need to win over that minority if he has any hope in being elected.” 

“That’s for sure, Osbald!”

“It’s Oswald.”

“Whoops! Brain fart!” Her fake laugh pained even herself. “I am so sorry about that. Back to politics, Supreme Executive Chairman of Media Intelligences, Food Incorporation, and Medical Analysis, Janus Face, has announced her bid to run for president just three months before the November elections. She has already amassed an unprecedented amount of support, especially among voters with dementia.”

“What business does she have of being president?”

“Be nice, now. Let’s not let our biases show. We wouldn’t want our ratings to drop, would we?”

“I supposed not.” It was Oswald’s turn to chuckle. “Our paychecks depend on it! Coming up next: UFO's. Are they unidentified factual objects or unidentified fictional objects? We’ve got the full story on BSNN!” 

The red light shut off. Immediately, the facade that had been built up on the lighted sound stage came crashing down. Reality had set in. As soon as they were clear from the air, the makeup entourage swarmed both Oswald and Veronica trying to fix the slightest of unsightly blemishes. “Great session, so far, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Absolutely! Everything is flowing smoothly. I think our requisite banter has hit new heights today.” She gave him a smile. These two aspiring news anchors became best friends in college when they bonded over narrating the events outside their dorm rooms and conducting fake interviews. 

“We have Dr. Fitz Lee, beloved professor of Animal Psychology and Sexuality. Great to have you with us Dr. Lee.”

“It’s wonderful to be here. Thank you for having me.”

“Thank you for agreeing to come on!”

“Thank you for calling my phone.”

“Thank you for answering the phone.”

“Thank you for…uh…getting the number right” 

Blank stares. “Nevermind. You have recently been given the honor of Best Bald Animal Psychology and Sexuality Teacher Above the Age of 50. How does this feel?”

“It was an absolute surprise to me that I received that award. I’ve always prided myself on being a compassionate teacher. My subject matter can get pretty dark and repulsive at times, so I have to find a way to make it fun for the students.”

“…Congratulations on the reward!”

“Thank you.”

“Not this again…”

A voice was heard in the distance hollering that there were two minutes left to air. “I’ve got to take a wiz,” Oswald spoke quickly after the makeup crew finally gave him some relief. After a few brief moments, he was running back into the sound stage, ready for his next segment. 

“Guess your vasectomy had some side effects.”

“Uh, no, vasectomies have nothing to do with that.”

“Sure. So, what, do you have an enlarged prostate or something?”

“You’re something else, Veronica.”

“Thanks!”

“Coming up, we have special guest, Veronica Dean, worldwide best-selling author of Puberty: My Story of Never Growing Up with us for an exclusive interview with BSNN.”

“At least you had the decency to make me best-selling.”

“Of course! Why not? You’re a well-known pain in my ass. Why not make you known to the world, too?”

“One minute to air,” the voice cried out again. 

“Are you ready to begin?” Oswald asked.

“I am, are you?”

“Let’s do this.”

The body of the man behind the voice materialized in front of the camera. He moved around frantically, doing his best to make sure everyone was ready, even though he was the only one not in position. His headset must have been cutting off the oxygen to his head. “We’re on in five, four, three.” He silently mouthed, "two, one," while using his index finger to clarify. The red light blinked on and the smoke and mirrors came back in full swing while the rousing intro music played. 

“Welcome back to BSNN. Our top story tonight: A family of four in Maine had an unexpected visitor in their house when a giraffe broke in. Fortunately, no one was harmed in the incident. We go live on the scene with Bryant Remington, who has the story…”

After the news ended, Oswald approached Veronica outside of their dressing rooms. 

“Great job today.”

“Thanks, you too.” 

“I have a random question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Are we covering our date tomorrow night?”

“No, I didn’t know we had one.”

“Why don’t we? Tomorrow night at 4:00?”

“Seems a little early for dinner.”

“Well, we do have to be ready for the 6:00 news!”

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

5 comments

Aqsa Malik
21:48 Jun 04, 2020

This was so funny! The beginning was really intriguing, and it definitely wasn't misleading for the rest of the story was equally as amusing. First of all, the names were ingenious. The American cliche Claire Voyant and Janus face had me laughing so hard. Secondly, I just love how humourous this was overall. You really nailed the environment of a news room and the sickly sweet anchors, I could really imagine it all playing out so seamlessly. Too good!

Reply

Joshua Hopper
03:14 Jun 05, 2020

This review made me smile! Thank you for your kind words. I’ll definitely be looking at some of your stories!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply

Great job. The dialogue made me laugh, haha! Awesome work 💕

Reply

Joshua Hopper
11:17 Jun 03, 2020

That’s great to hear! Thank you.

Reply

Anytime! ^^

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply