Well, I finally got this thing started.
Why am I even bothering with this? I'm not a writer. Journals are such a waste of time! Whoever wrote that article was full of it! Nothing whatsoever "life-changing" is going on here. The Manual is right: "Writing is a pathway to self-destruction." I must stop doing this immediately, before I become corrupted to the point of no return by selfish, unwholesome distractions!
I have failed. I've failed the Organization, I've failed the Family, and I've failed as a worthy Unit of the Mission. What do I do? Right now, I'm so exhausted I can barely even think. Didn't get one minute of sleep last night. I'm too tired to log on to organization.org for the morning Video Chat Session. Haven't devoted one single hour to the Sales Ministry this month. Haven't done a Daily Soundness of Mind Meditation since I started messing with this evil journal...You know what? That's my Signal, right there! This self-destructive Apostate Pursuit must stop. Now! As soon as I'm done with this entry, I'm deleting it from my computer as the Infective Intoxicant it is! I'm going to Gird Up and attend this Session, and I'm going to confess my Sidetrack to the Family Guards. Goodbye forever, journal!
I don't know why I'm even here, but what else is there to do? Boy did I ever screw up big time! I just got the e-mail--the one every Family member dreads--that I've been Aborted from the Family. For the Sidetrack of "Disgracing the Organization by disregarding the Admonishment to Abstain from Self-Gratifying Ambitions" (as they call it), failure to report such Sidetrack in a "timely manner", and repeated Infractions of Questionable Concern, all my Family Privileges have been Revoked. I've been Stripped of my status as a Family Moderator. I can still do the Meditations at home, and I can still Sit In on the Video Chat meetings, but I'm not allowed to "Pass" any "Food" (In other words: comment on and praise the "Material"), and I'm not allowed to participate in the Blessing of the Sales Ministry (In other words: actively endeavor to recruit new Units to the Family).
This has been the worst, darkest day of my whole life! I'm a failure. An official Failure! In order to Obtain my Conditional Pardon, I have to wait six months and then Re-Submit an A.I.F. (Application for Induction into the Family), along with a Formal Admission of Defect and Announcement of Intention to Re-Modify my Behavior in video form. I will then have to wait an additional 90 days while the Application and video are Reviewed by the Family Guards collectively and sent to Base (headquarters) for Final Say (approval or denial at the sole discretion of the Organization's Chief Judiciary Officer).
So now...It's just one big, long, miserable waiting game. I know we're only supposed to use our Standard-Issue Sword (the handgun we're all Admonished to Obtain for $599.95 from organization.org's black-market Online Shop) for Family Defense during the Epic Crisis. But what's the use in continuing on? There's simply no way I'm ever going to be good enough to Enter Cyberparadise via the Coming Cloud Rapture, so I might as well not even try. It's a waiting game alright--a waiting game on death.
I don't know why I'm still here. Why I couldn't go through with it. All my life all I've heard coming from the Sodomites (everyone who isn't a member of the Organization) is how "there's a reason for me"; how I need to just "hang in there"; how "it'll all work out in the end". Tsh! There's only one "end" that's ever coming, folks, and it ain't gonna be pretty! Not for Sodom anyway.
Look at me...sitting here talking like I'm any better! I'm one of them now, for crying out loud! I'm already dead. Who needs a gun? I had it all! A loving family of kindred spirits. A protective, all-knowing, Divinely-Approved Organization to give me Shelter from all the world's Harms. Above all: A purpose. A genuine, noble, grand purpose to be proud of. And I threw it all away. And for what? The fleeting, shallow, guilty pleasure of daring to indulge my wicked inner demons by starting a journal.
To hell with this day! I'm just gonna go Sidetrack with a few drinks and try to forget my life ever happened.
Woke up with a tinge of a headache this morning, but boy did I ever sleep good! I know it couldn't have been the alcohol, because alcohol actually interferes with sleep in the long term. You know how I know? 'Cause I bothered to "indulge myself" in the "Sidetrack" of reading a health magazine I bought from the corner convenience store yesterday. Why can't the Organization just state things in plain english like that? Might help the Family live a little healthier and happier if they'd do something besides just labeling everything as "a Sidetrack" and expecting us to take their word for it.
You know: Something just dawned on me when I wrote that. It all seems so crazy and Deviant for me to even think, but what if the reason I slept so well last night had something to do with the fact that--for the last several days--I haven't been under all that horrendous pressure to attend Sessions. Most people don't realize that there's a whole lot more involved in a Session than simply being there. You're expected to "Prime" yourself for each Session by "Pre-Digesting" (studying) the Material and Meditating on it the whole day before. Then you're supposed to Rehearse for the Passing of the Food (prepare comments on the Material, which are required by the Family Guards to "Keep in Line" with the overall message of the Material). There's the constant threat of being e-mailed with a "Friendly Citation" if you say anything they deem to be "In Conflict with Standard Contributory Procedure". And mind you, you have to do all of this while also working full-time for a living and whatever other demands your life has on a day-to-day basis.
And don't even get me started on the whole "Sales" (proselytizing) business! Wait a minute...Did I just use all three of those words together in the same sentence?
So I'm doing a lot of deep thinking as I write this seventh entry. No, not the lame excuse for "deep thinking" that this Organization considers its "Meditation" to be. Real, honest-to-goodness, deep thinking. I'm not for sure, but I think this might be what all those horrible, sinister people I was told for twenty years to avoid like the Plague meant when they used that term: "critical thinking".
Whoa! The second I typed that term on this screen, I noticed something peculiar about it. Unlike virtually every term the Organization uses, it seems the only time I ever see this one capitalized is at the start of a sentence. Critical thinking (See what I mean?) isn't treated as a proper noun because, rather than some kind of doctrinal jargon, it's a universal concept. Maybe critical thinking is what makes inventors, entrepreneurs, and artists who are able to contribute to the world out of ordinary people.
Maybe I'm one of them and I just don't know it yet.
If there's one thing I've learned from this week of keeping a journal, it's: Keep a freaking journal! Never underestimate the transformative power of getting your mind out on paper or screen. Knowledge is power. How can one really know who they are if they never pause to look? I'm finding that writing these entries every day is a very effective way to look at myself. And from now on, this journal will be my daily "Session".
When I first joined that dangerous "Organization", I was lost. I had just lost my job, my car, my money, most of the important people in my life (My dad, all four grandparents, an uncle, and several close friends had all died within four years of each other). It was a time when I should've been looking a little more internally and a little less externally for answers. I realize that approach isn't always the best for everyone. But for me, it's all painfully obvious in hindsight. That cult snatched me up like I was a little, mangled shard of iron and they were an industrial-strength magnet. Lesson learned.
I had always thought of myself as being a pretty smart, down-to-earth person until all those things started happening. I was Valedictorian my Senior year, I won every Spelling Bee, and I even got an A+ for my term paper I titled: An Analysis of Eastern Philosophy in the Twentieth Century. You tend to forget about things like that when you've got six people drilling an endless stream of their de-humanizing, repetitive, guilt-cultivating propaganda into your brain.
You tend to remember things like that when you keep a journal.