Dear Diary: Mending the Broken Road
Hmmmm, I'm new to this, not really sure how this works, or better yet why people do it...
But anyway here
So, I guess this is
me escaping from my own reality. I loved my parents dearly, well still do, just
know that there was domestic violence and my mother had to defend herself.
We'll probably get into that later. She's alive and doing well, but father is
Yea, so growing up
they had a lot arguments and disagreements, but we just thought it was normal.
None of us expected anything different... until one night my mom came to me
while I was getting ready for bed and told me that we have to go and stay with
our grandparents for a while.. They're the sweetest souls of people ever and
did the absolute best in raising us. We just felt at peace there, like all of
the pieces of the puzzle FINALLY fits together.
grandmother passed away from heart failure a few years later, and grandpa just
couldn't manage anymore on his own so we had to place him in a nursing home.
Not sure which was more painful, the loss of our grandmother or just seeing the
devastating look in grandpa's eyes. We would try and visit him often, and I can
tell he really enjoys our visits because his face lights up like a Christmas
tree. We would just sit and talk, play games, go for a walk anything to help
sooth his mind.
It was late one
summer afternoon when we received the call that grandpa passed away in his
sleep. Honestly, my sister and I didn't really know how to react. Don't get me
wrong we were sad but mostly overwhelmed and exhausted with emotions. Being
there at the nursing home as often as we can as well as being strong for him
yet still missing seeing the joy in his face took a toll that I didn't let
I took this as an
opportunity to reach out to my mom, we haven't heard from her since everything
went down. She said that she would come back for us once she's
"settled", however she hasn't. Of course my sister wasn't too
thrilled of the idea of meeting or even getting into contact with her. She
would always say things like
"She left us,
we shouldn't have to go and" find" her"
us, now her."
But what really got
me is when she would say...
"What if she's
forgotten about us and started another family"?
It would always get
to me when we were young, not to mention that since I'm the oldest naturally I
wanted to protect her and ensure her that mom is missing us just as much as we
are missing her. She had to disconnect from some things in order to reconnect
again fully. That's been years since we heard anything. Even if she didn't want
anything to do with us, I still wanted to reach out and let her know we're okay.
I found out that my
mom (through my cousin on my dad's side) works at a hospital. I didn't know
that she has (or should I say had) dreams of becoming a nurse. She let that
dream go whenever the relationship with my dad turned for the worst. He was
drinking, but because we were kids we (or at least my sister didn't) understand
the serious of their situation until mama told me "take care of your
sister, Abigail (Abbie)." She said
that the same night she told us that we have to live with our grandparents. At
the time my sister and I were 10 and 6 so naturally I understood what was
deeply happening. And even though I was old enough, mama still didn't reveal
everything to me.
When I saw mama, I
wanted to scream, and just cry run into her arms. She looked the same, a little
older, wiser, more experienced, but ultimately more hopeful. She didn't see at
first, but I knew immediately that that was her. She was talking to some young
girl, (maybe around my age). She works as the receptionist there at Trenton hospital;
however this is around her break time so I knew I would catch her in the cafeteria.
When she finished
talking, I waited a few minutes then I gently tapped her on the shoulder!
When she turned
around, her face was immediately filled with tears of joy as well as sadness.
No words were
shared, she just opened her arms for an overdue hug. She hugged me soo tight,
all the hurt, guilt and just emptiness left the atmosphere. We hugged for what
seemed like an hour. I missed her soo much.
After we released
she offered for me to sit and have lunch with her and just catch her up on
every single part of what's happening now. I wanted to wait awhile before I
mentioned what Abbie had said, but it was pulling at me too hard not to.
that you've forgotten about us, or that you had/ have another family that was
even more important than us"
My mom sighed with
worry in her face she grabbed my hand and asked "what did you say"?
Well mama, I
reassured her that you're missing us just as much as we're missing you, but
after a while, she got tired of the same excuse.
I can understand
that, mama said. Honestly I didn’t try anymore because I was scared of how you
all would react. She paused, and I could she was thinking so I asked
“What is it mama”?
“Where is she? How is she? Questions were coming left and right
I paused and then
“Would you like to
come over for dinner"? I know she would love to see you, right now more
than ever. She's hurt and confused.
Lizzy, I would love
to see her!
I felt like a little girl when she called me Lizzy.
I'm not gonna lie
and say I wasn't nervous bringing mama home, but at the same time I knew it was
needed. We all needed closure, in order to move forward.
Wow, this diary
entry is entirely too long, but I just I had sooo much to just release from me,
anyway I'll continue with the story.
I mentioned to my
sister Abbie that I'm having company over. She gave me a side eye look, then
soon smiled and nodded. I'm assuming she's thinking I'm bringing over a guy
And hour and half
later, the doorbell rings
get the door please"?
This was the moment
that changed everything.
HI sweetheart, how
I was standing in
the bathroom with the door closed, so it seemed like I was using it, but really
I was waiting on the reaction. When I heard the doorbell I opened the door
carefully so that she wouldn't hear it squeak.
Their embrace was
immediately, and soon came the tears. I didn't want to interrupt so I just
stood there watching like a young couple who's watching the sunset.
We sat and talked
for what seemed like hours upon hours, just healing, mending and growing more
Finally mama said
"I had to
Within moments my
sister started crying, which lead me crying then mama. Our family had been
pulled in soo many directions that it's good seeing us finally being on one
Wow, so I guess
writing in my diary help me more than I even realized, it helped me understand
that sometimes things have to disconnect in order to reconnect even stronger,
that detours in life are often necessary even if we don’t think so. I think I’m
going to continue to write more in my diary to release what I didn’t realize I
kept hidden but for now I'm signing off until we meet again.