I hate that I am doing this but everywhere I look is telling me that writing will help. I don't understand how but at this point I am willing to do anything to get some sleep and relief. Am I tired? Yes. Can I sleep? Not a wink. Occasionally, I’ll not be able to sleep whether it be anxiety, stress or simply because of a scary movie. Tonight, and the past few nights, it is more real.
I made a mistake.
One that is keeping me awake.
I fear for the future.
Haunted by my past.
Cannot live in the present.
I guess this is where I have to tell my mistake because I’m not supposed to have any restraints in this journal. It needs to be naked, vulnerable, weak so that I can become the opposite.
My mistake is that I let my heart win. Oh joy, here comes the water works…that was fast. I met this boy (that’s how it always starts, right? Ugh!) and the problem isn’t him per say but the intense feelings I have for him. I am an idiot to let myself fall. This is not like me. I keep to myself, don’t go looking for love but that’s when it finds you. I don’t even know how it begin I just found myself talking and texting him at all hours of the day. My day wasn’t complete without a good morning text and I couldn’t rest easy without a goodnight my love text. My heart flutters when he tells me he can’t go to sleep until he knows I am sleeping soundly. Words have a power over you. Words can emit so many emotions all at once, without that being the intention of the speaker or sender.
Now wait I need to clarify, this was/is not a one sided relationship. He calls me his love and dozens of other pet names. He admitted feelings first. So, the problem isn’t unrequited love. The problem is we are 1,000 miles apart. The problem is I can’t tell if I actually do love him or maybe I created an idealized image of him that I love. I look to my brain but my heart answers instead.
The problem is virtual love. The problem is distance. The problem is every time there is a notification on my phone I desperately check to see if it is from him and get sad when it’s not…but when it is I have the biggest smile. The mistake is romanticizing someone I only know through texts. It bothers him too but I wonder if it keeps him up at night? It should be a comforting feeling to know someone can like a version of you, whether it be made up by them or not, by only knowing them digitally.
I had no intention of this going any further than a friendship but my heart melts every time I see him smile, every time he sends me a goofy video of him cooking, every time he shows me the sunset in his country town. My heart melts and as my cold heart thaws, my tears collect. I know I’ll never see that smile in person. I’ll never get the joy of cooking and baking with him in the kitchen where we have a playful food fight that ends in hugs and kisses. I’ll never get to explore and go on adventures in his town and him in mine. And for that, I am up late at night wondering is this worth it? Would it be easier to block him, ignore him, ghost him and start the process of getting over him early before it gets even worse? Am I wasting my time loving someone I will never have the pleasure of “actually” knowing? Even though I feel like I know him well, so well. Surprisingly well. Maybe because you’re more willing to share to someone you know you won’t have to stand face to face with. The same reason why we overshare on the internet is why we know each other so well. So, when people say you can’t know someone online they are completely wrong.
Tonight, I find myself awake and unsettled due to jealously and feeling stupid. How do I know I’m the only “honey”, “my love” or “cutie”. When he tells me he loves me what does he mean? Love can mean and feel like different things to people. I’m scared to tell him I love him because I don’t know if I love him the way he loves me.
Recently, I found out there is another girl. Not one he likes but one who likes him. She is lucky enough to be his friend. I have no right to be jealous but it sinks in. I’m not the only one complimenting him. Maybe even, I’m not the only one giving him butterflies in his stomach. I envy that she gets to see him in person. That she has the opportunity to spend time with him. She doesn’t know how lucky she is, or maybe she does and that’s another reason for me to feel jealous and stupid. How can I compare to someone who is right there? What makes me so special that I’m worth a cross country road trip when there is a perfectly decent friend right beside him. I don't know anything about her but the most important thing that she is THERE and I AM HERE.
I lay down in bed and wish he was holding me. I pretend my pillow is his chest. It is pathetic I know but sometimes it helps. I imagine the comfort I would feel and it usually helps me to drift off into my dreams. But that stopped being comforting and now it is just a sad pathetic reminder that I am alone. I am the lonely loser who met someone online and thinks they fell in love...but maybe he is that same lonely loser too…if what he tells me is true. Does it make me feel better? I mean yeah slightly.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Every person that comes into your life is there for a purpose, good or bad. Everything we experience in life is there to teach you and help you grow. Even though it sucks majorly that I may never meet him in person I am thankful I know him right now. I am grateful that I get to be an important part of his life for this moment of time and if it doesn’t go until death do us part, I can live with that. I know I can’t expect much to come from us but I am enjoying myself right now and that’s what matter. Emotions are to be felt and he is making me feel ones I’ve never felt before and I finally see why everyone is in love with love now.
How is it 2 am already? I’m not anymore tired but I feel a weight off my chest.
And almost perfectly I just got a text message from him.
"Something is keeping me up, I've been tossing and turning. I hope I am not waking you but I really wanted to talk to you. I feel weird saying this because you're so far but I've never felt this way with anyone. I have been in love before so I know what it feels like and I know I love you. I am holding my pillow wishing it was you beside me...awkward and weird I know but its the truth. I want nothing more than you here by my side. I've been thinking nonstop about all the places I want to take you. Goodness I am getting sappy..."
Everything happens for a reason and this happened at the perfect timing. This time my tears are almost of joy and an overwhelming sense of comfort and a sense that I am not alone in what I feel.
Well journal, you helped me tonight to take a step back and let me feel what I've been feeling in a safe space. I am no longer a bottle of emotions, they've been released and I am free again.