Fri 10 Jan, 13:06
Hi Gorgeous. Looking forward to seeing you tonight. J xxx
Who is this?
Stop messing around!
No, seriously. Your number’s just coming up as Unknown.
Kate. And you are?
OMG – I’m so sorry. I must have mistyped my girlfriend’s number.
You mean she’s not saved in your contacts?
I’ve got her number saved on my phone, but I left it at home so I borrowed someone else’s to text her. I thought I remembered the number, but obviously I was wrong.
So you’re texting from someone else’s phone now?
Well, yeah, otherwise I wouldn’t be texting you instead of Fran.
I can’t argue with that logic. Well, fascinating though this conversation has been, I do have other stuff to do apart from chatting to unknown people who’ve messaged me by mistake.
Take care, J – hopefully I won’t hear from you again.
It’s Jon, btw.
Sat 25 Jan, 08:17
Who is this?
It’s me, Jon. The guy who messaged you by mistake two weeks ago. Didn’t you save my number?
Why would I save the number of someone I don’t know?
Anyway, how did you manage to text me if the last time was on a friend’s phone? Did you dial every possible combination of your girlfriend’s number with one wrong digit?
I got lucky after the first 87 minutes, so it wasn’t too bad...
Got you! You didn’t really think I tried that hard to find your number, did you?
I’ve known guys to take longer trying to find my clitoris!
Too much information!
And with less success.
La la. Fingers in ears. I can’t hear you.
Seriously, what do you want this time?
I just thought I’d say hi.
Okay. Chat to you another time then.
Hang on! You mean that’s it? You go to all the effort of tracking me down just to say one word?
I think you’ll find this conversation is a lot longer than one word, Kate.
And I think you’ll find that ‘conversation’ is a very loose term if you’re using it to describe pestering a woman you’ve never even met.
What do you mean, pestering?
You know – stalking.
Doesn’t that involve actually following someone and then watching them undress through binoculars?
OK – you’re getting creepy now.
I promise you I’m not watching you through binoculars at the moment.
Do you even have any binoculars?
Well, no, but I could buy some.
That’s not making me feel any better, Jon.
Wait – I was going to say, I could buy some but promise not to use them to spy on you. Is that better?
I really hope this isn’t a pickup line.
OMG! It IS a pickup line! What does Fran think about you flirting with other women when she’s not around?
We’re not together anymore.
I’m not surprised – I wouldn’t put up with a boyfriend who texted random women and made jokes about watching them through binoculars.
Wait – you’re serious? I’m so sorry – I thought you were joking again.
That day I messaged you by mistake, I caught her cheating on me with my best friend.
That must have been hard for you.
She said she’d already cancelled our date – only I didn’t know because I didn’t have my phone.
Anyway, I would have got in touch with you before now, but I didn’t have your number
Excuse me? WHY would you have got in touch? I don’t know you.
No, but you seemed like a good listener. Most girls would have just ignored a text from a wrong number.
So you’re basically using me as a free therapist?
I never know whether you’re joking or being serious.
I guess I just have a sarcastic nature.
Everyone needs a hobby.
Well, I’m sorry your girlfriend dumped you. Had you been together long?
About three weeks.
What? I was feeling sorry for you because I thought you’d been together for years ...
Of course, I might not have ever had a girlfriend.
Maybe I just typed in a random number and tried to get a girl to feel sorry for me.
You’re back to stalker territory again.
Fran really does exist – I just don’t exist for her anymore.
You studied philosophy?
No, I’m just good at making stuff up.
This is getting weird again. Time’s getting on and I have mouths to feed ...
You have kids?
What are their names?
Avelynne Kitten and Charlie Kitten.
Dare I ask if they’re actually kittens?
Not anymore. But they were when I got them, so the names sort of stuck.
You’re as weird as I am ...
Says the guy who threatened to buy binoculars so he could NOT stalk me.
I was hoping you’d find that a romantic gesture.
Much as I love all this high-quality flirting, I really do have to go.
Tue 4th Feb, 21:17
How did you know?
You’re the only Unknown Caller who texts me. Besides, after last time, I saved your number.
I saved yours too.
So that’s saved you 87 minutes this time.
No, I just re-read your text messages.
That seems a bit keen. Are you sure you’re not interested in meeting up some time?
You should never EVER meet up with someone you only know from a text message.
So that scuppers my chances of finding anyone on a dating app then.
You’ve been looking?
Why not? Are you jealous?
Why would I be jealous? I think it’s healthy if we both agree to see other people.
We’ve never actually seen each other.
True. It’s the sense of mystery that makes it so exciting though.
I KNEW you were interested!
Not interested in that way – more like intrigued.
What’s the difference?
Interested suggests wanting to form a relationship; intrigued suggests wanting to find out more about the person.
Are you an English teacher by any chance? I only asked because of the semi-colon. I don’t know anyone else who knows how to use one.
Flattery will get you a long way, Jon ...
Thank goodness for that – I was getting tired of using the binoculars!
You still need to work on your pickup lines.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I don’t think you wrote that one.
It was worth a try.
I don’t want to be rude, but I need to go to bed.
Now who’s using saucy pickup lines?
On my own. I have to get up early for work.
Thur 6th Feb, 19:23
Hi Kate. Is this better?
Is what better?
Texting you at this time.
You don’t give up, do you?
Did you get to work on time yesterday?
You said you had to get up early for work.
That might have been a lie.
I don’t have a job at the moment. I don’t have cats either.
And I’m not as young as you probably think I am.
I know that too.
How do you know? Have you been using binoculars all along?
I’m going to send you a photo.
A photo of you?
Open it and see.
It’s a wedding photo. Are you married?
So why have you been texting me?
It’s a photo of us.
I think I’d remember it if it was! Besides, I’m not married.
Look in the drawer beside your bed.
It’s a wedding ring.
Your wedding ring. The photo is you and me getting married, thirty-eight years ago.
How come I don’t remember any of this?
You were in an accident. You lost the part of your memory that’s to do with us and our children.
We have children?
Avalynne and Charlie. They’re both in their thirties. Avalynne has three children and Charlie has two.
We’ve got grandkids?
So all this time you’ve been texting me, I wasn’t a wrong number after all?
Are you sure this isn’t a rather elaborate hoax?
I’m telling you the truth now, Kate. You have to trust me.
In just a few minutes, I’ll be walking into your hospital room. And Kate ...
I promise not to bring my binoculars.