"Life sucks. And I mean that. Life is a fucked up piece of an abattoir."
"Hey! I agree that life is shit but abattoir? Come on."
"Ok, well scratch that. We'll go with you. Life is a piece of shit."
"No problem. I'm ok with the fact that I'm smarter."
"Always the hypocrite. Asshole."
"I've been called worse names than that, Nelly, so I'm thinking you could up your game."
"I'll think of other names, Jeremy😊"
"You could even google it. Have you ever heard of Google? It's like a search engine...I'm pretty sure you can manage."
"If you weren't my brother's best friend, I'll probably kill you."
"I know. And if you weren't the cutest eighteen-year-old I'll ever meet, you'd probably be dead by now."
"Not to worry, sweety. I don't want you gripping a knife underneath your sheets."
"No. Up your game, remember?"
"But seriously...why the hell would you say that life sucks? Well, life sucks but you're barely eighteen."
"Matt and I broke up."
"Holy crap. Really? Am so sorry. What happened?
"It's really stupid."
"I'm thirty. Do you think I haven't had my fair share of stupid? Try me."
"Matt is gay."
"Yeah. It's so fucking mad right now. My head is a mess and I just want to give up."
"No, well I can't imagine. I suck at relationships, honey."
"But you guys dated for what? Like a year or something."
"Two years actually."
"And now he's gay? Come on, I thought you both had sex a couple of times."
"I should be embarrassed right now. What did you do to me?"
"Well let's just say I'm an asshole but...I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet."
"I guess that the first part is true. The last is what I'm actually worried about."
"You know what? Let's forget about me. How did you find out?"
"That he's gay?"
"He told me. But I guess I've always known. We had sex a couple of times but there had been something missing. You know like sometimes when you feel that something important is missing and that important thing is what keeps you alive, you get empty. He kissed me alright but he was not for me. And then I saw him with a guy. Simon."
"The one who's been obsessively talking about Yale and the Oscars?"
"The one and the same."
"How could someone be attracted to that kind of guy? I mean, fuck age but he's the most immature prick you'll ever meet. I could maybe date a guy sometime in the future when my wife would have bored me to tears but I sure as hell would not date someone like that jerk."
" Thank you! I thought so too. I mean, if Matt was going to cheat on me or come out as gay, he should have done so with someone like you!"
"I hope for all our sakes that you meant that as a compliment."
"would you rather I dated Matt?"
"God! No. That is hell wrong. I feel so strongly about it especially now that I discovered you are the best person anyone could have as a brother."
"That's so sweet. Not weird or awkward or anything."
"I can just imagine you rolling your eyes right now! That is something you do when you are being awfully sarcastic."
"Remind me to beat the hell out of you when next we see. You're right though."
"Oh I know!"
"So talk to me. What happened?"
"I saw them together at Cleo's party. The one where you drove me to on Christmas eve."
"Don't tell me you've known all along. That's sick."
"I hate to ask this because it could open old wounds but...how exactly did they do it?"
"Come on Jem. Watch Pornhub for once."
"Oh, I will. Well, go on."
"I mean I saw them but I thought that maybe he was drunk or something or just bisexual."
"Well, did you confront him or something? I bet that ass denied the whole thing."
"He did not exactly deny it. He said he had been drunk and that was why he had been making out with Simon."
"And you believed him?"
"I believed him but I doubted him too. You understand?"
"Eighteen is the peak of absolute nonsense. I barely understand why I love you. Carry on."
"And now he's told me he's gay. Like gay, gay. So life is shit."
"That is so fucked up."
"I know right?"
"So what did you do to him? Don't tell me you took your purse, called an Uber and got home."
"That's exactly what I did."
"Call him up now. Personally, I'd love to tell him to his face but call him up and tell him every dirty word you can think of. You can start by telling him he's like a bastard and all that stuff."
"So wait, coming out as gay is wrong? Being gay is messed up right?"
"No. I'm not against it. I mean, in my next life, I'd probably be gay. What is so messed up is that he used you to not feel alone and that's wrong. There are a lot of people out there coming out as gay and the whole world is pretty accepting of it. People get married now and all that. He was a scared little coward who used you."
"I guess so."
"I'm coming over to your apartment right now. I'll order pizza on my way and we could have our very own game night."
"It's raining, Jeremy."
"There is nothing I wouldn't do for my favorite sister."
"Thank you. I feel so much better."
"I know. I do have the charm, I must say."
"I'll call him up then go to Google."
"I need to up my game, remember?"
"You're calling me an idiot? I like that. Now call Matt up and call him that and more. I'll be there soon."
"I love you."
"Hell, you better."
"Hold on. My brother is coming home this weekend with some pretty blonde Russian. You should get prepared, Jeremy."
"It's kind of like a surprise but I can't help myself. He wants to set you up for a blind date with the Russian. I'm guessing you'll be blown away this weekend."
"Oh I hope not. You are the only girl I love."
"We could get married someday. Tell my brother you'd like to marry me."
"And live the rest of my life an half dead man? No thanks."
"I love you. I'm waiting."
"Pizza and coke right?"
"I'll put a Mariah Carey song after I call Matt. Thanks."