Sparking something

Submitted for Contest #34 in response to: Write a story told entirely through text messages or emails.... view prompt

To: hermes@olympians.com

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: Your order is ready [nr: 45031]


Hey Hermes,

I finished the work. Pick-up details below.

Best,

Hephaestus

---

We have completed the work on your item, nr 45031. You may pick up your order from Monday 10 am. Please visit our website for information about opening times.


***

Hephaestus:

Hey

Did you take anything from my workshop earlier?


Hermes:

Just my sandals. Why?

Nice work on the wings btw.


Hephaestus:

See anyone else while you were there?


Hermes:

No. Why??



***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: Who’s been in my workshop??

This email was sent with high importance


Hi all,

Did any of you enter my workshop today? I appear to be missing some fire.

As you know, article 15 of Olympian law clearly states that no one is allowed to remove any item from a workshop without the owner’s written permission. If you return the fire today, I will say no more about it.

Thanks,

Hephaestus


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: ares@olympians.com

Subject: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


You accusing me of theft????


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Just answer the question: did you take fire from my workshop?

Thanks,

Hephaestus


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: ares@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


NO NO NO

No I haven’t even been in your shitty workshop, you metal-brained cripple


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hestia@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Now, now. Let’s all calm down!

Don’t be rude, Ares.


Hephaestus dear, I haven’t been in your workshop. Are you sure this fire is missing? Perhaps it has fallen behind something? Let me know if you want help looking!


Hugs,

Hestia


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: ares@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Hestia,

Piss off.

x Ares


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: athena@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


I haven’t been in your workshop for three weeks.

Good luck.

Athena



***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hades@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Hephaestus,

Don’t use the mailing list for trivial things.

Hades


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Hades,

This is hardly trivial! Do you have any idea what sort of damage rogue fire can cause? Do you remember the time that candle was left unattended by the super volcano? It took months to repair the damage. Now imagine that sort of destruction up here.

Whoever took my fire, just return it!

Thanks,

Hephaestus


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hades@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Whatever. Just take me off this mailing list or stop hitting “reply all” or however this computer stuff works. I’m busy.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


‘Sup everyone? Just woke up.

Can someone summarise the last trillion mails?

Z


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hera@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Just woke up, hah! More like just crept back inside after a quick visit to earth. Who was it this time? I can smell her perfume.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hades@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??


Augh! Too much information.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hermes@olympians.com

Subject: Check out this movie…

Attachment: humans_dancing_around_bonfire.mp4


Hiya all,

Have a look at the movie! Crazy, eh? I was just cruising along and saw these humans. That fire look familiar, Heph?

Cheers

Hermes


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: Check out this movie…


WHAT


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: Check out this movie…


Oh hell.

But how could they have gotten up here to my workshop?


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: athena@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…


They can’t have. It’s impossible. Someone must have given it to them.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…


And when I find the TRAITOR I will tear him to pieces and disembowel him and tear him into smaller pieces and jump on them and then spit on him and then grab a thunderbolt and zap him and crush him like an egg!


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hestia@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…


Oh come, now, dear! You don’t mean that, surely? Take a deep breath. I’m sure this is all just a big understanding. Perhaps we should all meet for a nice cup of tea and talk this over?


Hugs,

Hestia


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…


KILL!!! TRAITOR!!!


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hermes@olympians.com

Subject: Gotcha! Haha!

Attachment: security_0345.mp4


Hey guess what!

I dug up the security footage for last night. Looks like our culprit is the mysterious Mr Pixel. Hahaha!

Cheers

Hermes


PS: I told you we should’ve invested in a better camera system!


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: athena@olympians.com

Subject: RE: Gotcha! Haha!

Attachment: security_0345_highres.mp4


Hermes,

As I’ve told you half a dozen time, our camera system works just fine. It simply requires an operator who isn’t a complete and utter idiot. All you have to do is go to “Settings”, then “Resolution” and selection the option “As high as possible”. Otherwise, all you get is a simple 50x50 pixel preview.

Attached is a high resolution clip.

Best,

Athena


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hermes@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!


Holy cracker, that’s Prometheus!


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!


I’m going to MURDER that son of a Titan! How dare he give fire to the humans? What next? Give them phones? Computers? The internet??


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!


Hi all,

This is a problem. Is Olympian law applicable to Titans? I know humans and animals don’t fall under it (article 3) but it doesn’t say anything about Titans. Does that mean we can’t punish him because he’s outside our jurisdiction? But he stole from my workshop, which clearly is covered by Olympian law, so then …?

Suggestions?

Best,

Hephaestus


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hades@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!


Now this is important non-trivial business.

Zeus - how do you propose we punish this Prometheus guy? Who is he anyway?


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: Please vote


Everyone,

I made a poll: www.howarewegonnapunishthatbastardprometheus.onlinepolls.olympus

Please vote. Add options if you like.

Z


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hermes@olympians.com

Subject: RE: Please vote


Are we a democracy now?

:)


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: Please vote


Shut up and vote.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Please vote


Good idea, Zeus! There are some excellent suggestions there already.

Let’s get him!

Hephaestus


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: aphrodite@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please vote


Dear all,

Thank you for reaching out. I apologise for not getting back to you sooner. As you know, I have been travelling. This part of the world is absolutely stunning: golden beaches, turquoise sea, waving palm trees. I get up every morning to watch the sunrise and I think I am slowly beginning to realise who I truly am. I feel more alive now than I ever have. More at peace with the world.

I have therefore decided to distance myself from this punishment scheme so that I can continue to focus on my own spiritual well-being.

Peace and love,

Aphrodite


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: ares@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please vote


Urgh. I feel sick.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: zeus@olympians.com

Subject: Results


Okay so everyone has voted (except Aphrodite, I’ll be having a word with you later). Here are the results:


Total votes: 12

A: Kill him: 2 votes, 16,7%

B: Forgive him: 1 vote, 8,3%

C: Chain him to a rock and make an eagle come and eat his liver every day: 8 votes, 66,7%

D: Something involving clay pigeons and buttermilk, I’m sure we can think of something funny: 1 vote, 8,3%


Let’s do this!

I know an eagle btw.

Z


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hephaestus@olympians.com

Subject: RE: Results


I’ve got a chain.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hermes@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: Results


And I know a decent rock to chain him to.

Cheers,

Hermes


PS: Do you think we could combine options C and D? Like, what if we pelt him with clay pigeons before the eagle comes? Or instead of chaining him to a rock, we make him float in a pool full of buttermilk?


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: hades@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Results


I really don’t know what to say.


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: ares@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Results


I do.

Shut

The

Hell

Up

You

Weirdo

!!!


***

To: MailingOlympus

From: athena@olympians.com

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Results


Are we doing this or what?


****


Eagle:

Dun dun dun dun dun dun


Prometheus:

?


Eagle:

Dun dun DUN DUN DUN


Prometheus:

??


Eagle:

It’s ominous music :)


Prometheus:

What


Eagle:

Ominous (adjective)

Giving the worrying impression that something bad is going to happen


Prometheus:

I know what it means!

Why


Eagle:

I am your doom


Prometheus:

??

Do I know u?


Eagle:

You’re about to


Prometheus:

??

Who is this?


Eagle:

(*)>


Prometheus:

What’s that supposed to be?


Eagle:

An eagle


Prometheus:

Looks more like a sparrow

Or a chicken

Who are u?


Eagle:

You ever thought of becoming an organ donor?

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16 likes 9 comments

13:56 Apr 02, 2020

I was giggling throughout this entire thing

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thanks!

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16:13 Apr 01, 2020

This story was a hoot to read - thanks!

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thank you!

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18:18 Mar 27, 2020

woah nice story. must have taken a while to type up all the emails

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Thanks! Luckily copy&paste works quite well for the email template...

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11:07 Apr 04, 2020

This is so creative! Consider me your fan :D

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Thank you :) One of the sillier things I've written, but I needed something silly!

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07:28 Apr 10, 2020

Hilarious!

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