Based on a true text story


MUM: Are you working today?

NIC: No, it's a Saturday. What's up?

MUM: What are you doing?

NIC: Washing. Life is exciting. What are you doing?

MUM: Cleaning the house.

NIC: Super exciting, then! Can't wait for married life (wink face)

MUM: You’re a strange girl. Have you got any milk?

Your sister dropped ours on the floor then the cats got into it.

NIC: Not surprised. I can grab you some while I’m out.

On another note, were you going to put it back in the carton? That’s a bit gross.

MUM: Of course not. The cats got to it.

NIC: Just checking

MUM: Why would I put it back in the carton?

NIC: Good question. Glad you're up on your hygiene standards, that’s important right now

MUM: Also need some TP.

NIC: I’ll try my best, but no promises.

MUM: Watch out for those people on the news.

And some tomato sauce

And garlic

Cheese, butter, bread and bananas



Thankyou (kissy face) (hearts)

And your dad wants to know if you can get some diet coke?

And some toilet spray.

NIC: I’ll keep my eyes peeled. Anything else?

MUM: That’s all

Oh, and some garbage bags.

NIC: For the bodies?

MUM: What?! What bodies?

NIC: Never mind


NIC: I hear you donated the milk to the cats this morning? That was nice of you

SAM: Don’t even start. I can’t even!

NIC: (laughing face)

SAM: I had the milk on the counter, she knocked it off and blamed me. Should have heard the shrieking.

NIC: I can imagine. Have you mentioned glasses yet?

SAM: I'm not stupid!

Then the cats came over and you know what they're like

Mayhem! Pure mayhem!

NIC: Need anything else? I’m doing the whole shop, basically.

SAM: Nah

She’s worried about this virus thing. Thinks the world is ending

NIC: Could be.

SAM: That sounds ominous

NIC: (laughing face)


NIC: I have arrived…

Day 3452 of the plague. The shelves are bare. Staff hide amongst the rafters, on the lookout for deranged hoarders.

MUM: What?

NIC: There are the remains of the new guy who just wasn’t fast enough. Poor trainee, he was only a boy! They’ve taken everything, even his toenails.

MUM: You’re disgusting

Pick up some ice cream for your sister while you’re there, she’s been working hard at uni.

NIC: I work hard. Do I get ice cream?

Also, there’s a body in the freezer. Did you still want the ice cream? I’m sure it hasn’t started to decompose yet…

MUM: What?!

NIC: Not sure how many are still around.

MUM: How many what? Where are you?

NIC: I’m putting my phone on silent so the sound doesn’t attract them.

MUM: Don't do that- keep your phone on loud.

Answer my phonecall!

Is this because I asked you to go to the shop? I can transfer you the money.

NIC: There’s a pack ahead. Their trolleys are ready for wielding, filled with old cat food cans and bags of make-at-home bread mixture. If one hits me, I’m done for!

If I move slowly, maybe they won’t notice me

Wish me luck!

MUM: I blame your father for letting you watch those Sci-Fi movies as a child

Keep your phone on you!

You’re being ridiculous. Answer me!

NIC: One of them has spotted me…

They’re moving my way…

Tell Dad I love hi...


MUM: Are you busy?

SAM: I’m at Joanne’s til 3 then coming home

MUM: Can you call your sister? She isn’t answering my calls.

SAM: Everything ok?

MUM: She said something about hoarders

SAM: I hear they’re bad this time of year

MUM: You’re not funny.

SAM: I was thinking of taking up stand-up comedy. What do you think?

MUM: Did you lose your job?

SAM: Not yet

MUM: What do you mean, not yet?!

Answer your phone!


MUM: Your sister is ignoring me. She said something about losing her job.

NIC: Bad news

MUM: ???

Now what?

What was all of that nonsense?

Where are you?

NIC: Not only not TP, no milk…

And I got kicked out

And I think I got my picture on the wall... You know the one by the front door? Yeah.

MUM: Of the grocery store?


What did you do???

NIC: Not even my fault

All these hoarders were shoving and I didn’t even trip that lady over. She just fell.

Not my fault I laughed at her

Or that the eggs fell on her head…

Ask the news crew, they saw everything.

MUM: Your dad is laughing

You’re a terrible person

You’re both terrible

NIC: It was funny!

And no, I’m not. I risked my life for my family, that counts for something. You should be proud of me, I am a supermarket hero. You should show me more respect!

Recite my name in your nightly prayers and tell my sisters children my tale when I am long dead and buried.

MUM: You get your drama from your father. I can’t even deal with you and your sister today.


NIC: You can have mine

You’ll have to come get it

MUM: You can’t drive over? I don’t want to be on the road right now.

NIC: Pretty sure a security guard followed me home

Need to stay. Might be staking me out.

MUM: What?!

NIC: Small guy, blue car, big nose. Like I can’t even see him!

You’d think he’d have at least parked across the street. He's right there! He’s picking his nose…

MUM: You should call the police!

NIC: I think you’re overreacting a bit. Maybe he just doesn’t have a tissue.

MUM: You said he followed you home!

NIC: It’s fine, I’ll go talk to him. Maybe I’ll get a date out of it

Girl’s got to eat!

Times are tough, mince is rare

I could go for some pizza actually

After he washes his hands.

MUM: I’m sending your father over

Don’t talk to that man

Stay inside!

I told you that you needed a dog. You never should have moved out alone!


DAD: Don’t terrorise your mother

NIC: Don’t know what you mean

DAD: Did you really push a woman over for milk?

NIC: No!

It was TP and it was more of a trip

Accidental. Promise.

DAD: Did you get my diet coke?

NIC: You’re a terrible father figure

Aren’t you even going to ask about the security guy who followed me home? Or about the hoarders?

DAD: Do I really need to come over?

NIC: Nah

We’re going out for pizza anyway. Seems like a real keeper.

DAD: Good to hear it. Say hello to the nosepicker

NIC: We just have to go see his mum first

DAD: Hmmm

NIC: In jail

For patricide

DAD: Enjoy your date (wink face) but not too much!

NIC: Ewww!

DAD: (laughing face)


MUM: Your father and I are coming over. Now.


You can pick up your groceries while you’re here

MUM: …You’re a terrible child.

Did you really not get any TP? We are running low.

NIC: See you soon!


MUM: It's 3.15. Are you still at Joanne's?

SAM: Can't talk now, going shopping for milk.

If I'm not home in a couple of hours, call the police.

Apparently there are hoarders out.

MUM: I quit!

Don’t forget the milk.

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3 likes 2 comments

01:33 Apr 01, 2020

Haha, super fun! I totally relate :D Nice job!


20:28 Apr 01, 2020

Thanks! I've never written fiction in text messages before and couldn't imagine it being sad 😁


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