Subject: Are you out there?
Should I be lyrical in my writing to someone who will never reply? Should I take the time to reread and check for grammatical errors and other rather embarrassing errors? Is anyone going to read this? This can’t all be questions but assuming this goes to God himself aren’t you all knowing? Anything I tell you, you will have already known. I am not all knowing. I can’t imagine what that would be like. Knowing everything and questioning nothing. I seem to ramble even in an email that is going nowhere. Though you already know this my therapist tells me I need an outlet. To think that while others enjoy other notes of prescriptions. You should go out to the park and get some fresh air. Go to the store and get these pills. Go to a junkyard and break some stuff. It doesn’t matter they all seem better than what I got. Write a letter he said. Not any letter though. A letter to someone who wouldn’t be able to reply. A letter that will get lost in the mundane tangled codes of cyberspace. My sister is dead and my therapist's answer is to email the person who took her away.
Subject Rescheduled appointment
How are you getting on with your letters to God? I see you have missed your last two sessions. I am rescheduling you for next Tuesday Nov. 11 at three o'clock. Please call my office at your earliest convenience to confirm or reschedule.
Dr. B. Kyle
Subject Answers required
As I thought I am without answers from my last email. Did I expect a reply? No. did I expect it to bring my sister back? Of course not. Look at that I have to answer my own questions, how mundane. How anticlimactic. How utterly time wasting. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing here.
Subject Amelia’s Bench
I think we should assign someone to complete the project no later than december 12. We don't want to be getting into anyone’s Christmas plans. We are looking forward to remembering your sister in a great way.
Thinking of you
Subject Re: Amelia’s Bench
Yes I would hate for the inconvenience of my dead sisters remembrance bench to interfere with everyone’s christmas break plans. I will of course see about everything myself as not to interfere with your busy schedule further.
Subject Re: Amelia’s Bench
Thank you, yes I wouldn’t want to keep everyone away from their christmas plans. Leave all the details to me. I will make sure everything gets done.
Subject Birthdays and Death Days
Christmas is a spiritual time of celebration of Christ’s birth. While everyone is supporting this, celebrating this, and exalting in this; I mourn the loss of Amelia. My sister. I am sure you remember her the one you took with your cancerous diagnosis. Why? She was only 22 years old. She was my older sister. I remember her hiding in the closet during family parties and inviting only me to join her in isolation to get away from the overwhelming crowds to hunker down and watch funny shows. Baking cookies and stressing that the frosting must reach the edge without crossing over it or the cookie had to be thrown out. My parents were always so frustrated that they left us to do it alone which was her plan all along. We ate half the cookies ourselves claiming them to be lost causes and provided Santa the ‘perfect ones.’
I can’t have those times anymore. You took them from me just as you took her away from everyone.
Bah Humbug (yes I know but immaturity is my middle name)
From Dr. Kyle
Subject Schedule adjustments
I feel as though we are really making a breakthrough the last few weeks. I believe we can move our two sessions a week down to once a week. Which day of the week works best for you? I have open availability after 3 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Dr. B Kyle
Subject Angels on Earth
I went to church for the first time since Amelia’s death. It felt strange. While some people were sympathetic and offered their apologies on my loss others were oblivious to my presence. It is as though they don’t all stare at me as the dead sisters living one anymore. It is almost refreshing. Is that wrong of me? To feel relieved that not everyone wants to talk about my sister’s passing. I feel numb only sometimes while other times It is almost as if life is ok. I still think of her almost every second of the day but the memories are becoming more fond. Thoughts of what she would have laughed at with me. The things I would have relayed to her to receive her opinions on. It is almost as if thinking of her is more enjoyable rather than painful.
We talked of many things in church, we talked of angels on earth. Is that the real reason you took her? Did you need more Angels on earth the way it is now? With all the turmoil, the hate, confusion, the sickness, and overall helplessness of the world. Did we need more angels on earth like Amelia. Helping, encouraging, and doing goodness only from the sidelines as much as they can. Did you need a strong and giving soul to guide others on the path of right after they die.
I needed her here, but now I can’t help but wonder if you needed her more?
Subject Graduation of Therapy
Graduation sounds better than termination doesn’t it? I am so proud of how strong you have become. You have a wonderful spirit and are going to accomplish many things in your life. Keep striving for the best in all things and know that I am always here to talk about anything anytime you need.
Dr. B Kyle
I graduated therapy. Is that even a thing you can do ‘graduate therapy?’ I can’t help but laugh at some of the things people say. Imagine that; me laughing? A few years ago and you would pinch yourself to awaken from the dream.
While I will be speaking to you daily through other means of communication more regularly used when speaking to god. It felt wrong not to send one last email. I often wonder how Amelia is getting one up there with you? I am sure she has busiest herself with doing something amazing and charitable. You can also tell her I know she is the one that keeps moving my keys around my new flat and to stop it before I go insane haha. Really in all honesty while I understand it was her time to go. You needed someone with incredible patience and perseverance and she fit the bill to a level of accuracy even I can’t begin to comprehend. Knowing this makes it only a little less sad. I miss her warm words of encouragement. I am glad that she will be whispering in the ears of those most in need though. I miss her hugs of comfort. Though with everything going on in the world I am sure she is comforting others on a regular basis through warm thoughts and clearing minds.
She is where she needs to be. Where everyone as a whole needs her to be. Keep her safe and loved for me until I see her again. Maybe not for a while. Maybe in a few years. We don’t know these things but I know you have a plan and this plan is as perfect as you.
With all my love signing off,