To err is human.
If I go back in time, somewhat 38 years ago, I was twelve back then, and didn’t quite understood those words. When I asked her, I will tell you later about her, she replied, “Humans, like us, make errors, we aren’t perfect.”
I was nervous to talk to her, because she was The girl, “So…who is?”
“I don’t know,” she said, “Maybe nobody.”
That night I didn’t slept, not because I had talked to her, finally. But because I was analyzing her words.
“Not even Gods?” I asked her next day, in English period, just after the attendance.
“I think,” she said with a bright smile, “You’re right”. How can someone smile after being proved wrong? And how could someone look so beautiful while laughing? And what was happening to me?
I was too young to understand those things, well I learnt the last one from my friends, but the answer to the earlier two comes with life.
With life I too learnt that, she was right, no one is truly perfect.
Neither was she, nor was I, nor were the gods.
They did a mistake. We were supposed to live together and were destined to die together. I hoped I would love her till her last breath, and she would love me until my last one. I thought I would go to her funeral and she would come to mine. Gods were supposed to make sure of that.
And here I am, living. She’s dead.
Thus mistakes do occur by The Gods of Destiny.
How do I know? well I do possess something special. I received two gifts from the gods themselves, I suppose. First was gift of sight.
When I hit eleven, they began. I saw, my mother dying, and she did.
When I hit twelve, I saw an angel coming to my school, and she did.
She was good, better than any of my acquaintances, and the best person I ever met. Yet, back then I didn’t know what to do.
That night I saw myself and her sitting next to each other, it happened, and yet I didn’t know what to do.
That night I saw a number 143, I turned the pages of book in class of English, until it was 143 and read the words I would later ask her the meaning of.
But why does that matter now? That matters, because of the second gift.
The next night, after her death, when I was sleeping, alone, for the first time, in a long-long time, I was scared to sleep alone though, I saw another dream, that too in the long-long time.
I saw myself travelling, in a car, the closest it came to resemble anything was the car from Back to the Future, the first movie we saw together.
Gods repaid me, with a gift, maybe even precious than first one, the gift of reliving the moments I want to.
I am luckier than you. Don’t feel bad about it, Gods don’t have literature to enjoy or learn, and thus we exist. I am just a character in hand of a more visionary writer.
I wasn’t able to believe what the gods gave me, until the day I was sitting alone, thinking about her, it was our wedding anniversary, with me alone to enjoy it.
It was a special day, cause of her meticulous planning, our wedding day was right on anniversary of our first date, not the one with the movie, it was a simple date, we went to a café and…. I could see it, I could see everything, I was there again, watching myself have dinner with her. I was there, literally.
We both entered and searched for seat, and then she pointed at a table, she went and took her seat, I followed. I wasn’t gentle enough and it still bothers me.
Now watching myself eat with my life sitting next to me, I needed to find the reason, in past few days, I have been brainstorming our entire lifetime, but right now I had something else to do, live.
I just waited there, next to her, completely forgotten that Self-Service is applied at this place, she said something, and I went for the counter, well. I remember the first date, I had a vision, when I was 16, of the café and her in it, with me, then I asked her out. I was trembling, she was confident, I was fumbling with words, her stood prominent.
But when you relive those moments that mean something, you find new depths, new meaning. I, back then, was wondering if she likes me, now I’m looking at her, and her eyes, that are too looking for me, just in a different direction. Though the brightness in her eyes is exact same as it was the night she died.
All my lovely thoughts came to an end, and I asked myself, and The Gods, is this a gift or a curse?
I returned to her, I had forgotten what she liked, and even what I wanted, she took the tissue sitting next to her beautiful hand, and wrote, both of our orders, I should’ve gone for the counter, yet I stood there looking in those deep eyes of her.
“What?” she asked, same smile as it was four years ago came up on her lips.
“Nothing,” I said and turned.
Everything, it was though.
Then I brought back the orders, I still remember, she was being delicate, and I was being myself, after that for many months I thought I may have embarrassed her, now I can see her face and tell, she was pretty far from being embarrassed, she seemed proud, of something I may haven’t understood if I looked at her face back then, I do now.
Then the date ended, I asked her if I could drop her home, but she was afraid of her parents. They might have seen us, they were protective of her, and she was scared of them.
So I went to my home, and her friends were there to pick her up. When I saw them going round the corner of the street, my insecurities were strong and hence I was afraid that I may be center of her laughs, maybe I would be nothing more in her heart, more than a mere joke. I was sitting in the same café, I had relived the moment, and this time I knew, as her ex-husband, I was more than a joke, way more.
And now I’m back, 34 years later, in the present, hoping Gods were perfect.
The night I had another vision, I saw, there were three movie theatres, exact replicas of our first movie date, but there were three separate films in each of them, all entries in Back to the Future Trilogy. I walked up to the box office, and found out, that one of the films, I don’t remember which one, is house full.
It meant I have two more chances, so there I laid in my bed, thinking where to go. Maybe that day, we kissed for the first time, by the stream of falling water. I said that it looks more beautiful than her, I was joking. She laughed.
There was one beautiful public place in the town. A Park, and thus it was a good place to visit, but there’s less fun in the places you both have discovered, separately. I had another vision, I saw a road, and a destination. Next day when walking with her, I didn’t quite note the time in which road turned into destination. But when I looked at clock, it’s magnitude was quite larger than what my heart had told me.
When I was a kid, which I remember being until the visions began, I used to laugh, on various things. The most significant being the comparison, between heart and mind, which was done by various seemingly dumb characters, generally on T.V. They used to say, we have two ways of thinking, one is by Mind and other one is by heart. How dumb they were, how could one think by heart?
I understood that concept, just like the teacher named life teaches, in installments. One of the installments was paid when I reached at the place with her, the place of dreams, now I had to take her, away from all her companions, to the destination.
I wasn’t quite sure, if I should ask her to follow me or not? Well my friends were there too, some of them thought she’d follow, some weren’t quite sure and others frankly didn’t care.
Well I had faith, in my visions, hence I offered her my hand, she held it. It was a moment in itself, I had interrupted her best-friend, and she still wasn’t mad. They just chuckled when their friend rose up and looked into my eyes.
“Come with me,” I told her, “I have something, I want to show you.”
“What?” her friend said, she was being funny, and it made us both laugh. Well everyone was laughing, but they weren’t as important.
“What is it?” she asked, still her friend’s joke in her mind.
“Just, trust me.” I pulled her hand, as lightly as I could, “Would you?”
“Yeah,” she moved with my moving self, “I would, but where is it?”
“Don’t leave my hand,” I said, “Just keep following, and we’ll reach there, even I haven’t seen the place yet, I hope it’s wonderful.”
“You sometimes,” she had said, “Just are beyond my mind.”
I followed my visions, and reached at the place, it was nice, there was water, and roots, a stream of falling water, and different kind of beautiful things I could see, yet first thing I did was turn and ask her, “What do you think?”
She just wandered around, then she turned, and came towards me and looked into my eyes, with a gaze so powerful I thought even my soul was visible to her. “It’s beautiful,” she said, “perhaps the most beautiful thing in nature.”
My heart was beating so fast, I thought I’d faint, yet I didn’t. Just stood there, trying to find syllables to answer her words, which weren’t even meant to be a question. I just wanted to hide my nervousness, then it hit me, how can I hide my feelings from someone, who already has reach to my innermost cave, my utter naked soul.
I was taller than her, thus she rose her heels, until all of her weight, however light she was, totally came onto her toes. Yet our lips were far apart, so I had to bend my neck, and at that moment I understood three things, first was that Heart wasn’t just there to pump blood, second was that all the decisions aren’t taken by Mind and third one was that how accurate was Sufjan Stevens about Kisses.
I was there, again, watching myself kiss her. It was funny, because I didn’t know how to, she knew though. I was looking down at her, and she had raised her head in desire. I back then thought that she was in control, now I can see that in that moment, neither of us had the upper hand, we were just in hold of each other, as the land was slippery and we both had to support each other, equally.
I had asked myself the last time, of why am I travelling to these parts of my mind, now I’ve got the answer. I want to go to the moment I fell for her.
I was watching everything that happened, following myself and her, from where our friends sat to the place we discovered, and it taught me one thing, I’m not a body going back and forth in the time, rather than that, I’m a soul traveling.
I had another vision that night, the second theatre was closed too, and that meant, now I only had one trip left.
Now I am sitting here, thinking where should I go. Well, I’ve got my destination, the moment I began to love her, but I don’t know where it is.
It wasn’t the first time we kissed, so where else is it? Not even our first date, perhaps it would be the first time we had it. I don’t know, I was in love with her before all of that, but along the same time, I was falling even more for her.
The time she told me she likes me too, the time I first told her about my feelings, the time she told my friends that she was my girlfriend, or the first time I wrote a song about her and she read it, I don’t know if she got the meaning though. Should I go to there to find out?
Well I shouldn’t, it was just one moment out of a hundred. If I had the power to relieve all of them, then it would’ve been something, and I don’t. So where is my last trip destined to occur? I am sitting on her grave right now, thinking.
The first time I saw her, the first time we talked, the first time I learnt something, and my life changed. Well that one is a significant moment, but all other moments are equally powerful.
I lived through every crucial moment of her brutal fate, well except one. Her Death.
I remember, she was on the bed of hospital, struggling with balance of her body and soul within, both of which, cancer had taken bites of, large bites.
Yet she was stronger than most, and probably due to the fact that she knew, no matter how slippery land is, if she falls, I won’t let her get hurt, my arms would be there to support her, because she would already be in them. And I was sure, if she falls into a void, that I couldn’t stop her from falling into, I’d follow into it, holding her, and kissing her into oblivion, because I had seen the vision, the day before we got married.
After we were assured she had cancer, I lost faith in The Gods of Destiny, thus I did not saw any vision for a long-long time.
The night she died, I remember sitting beside her, wishing, if death is only option left in store, then either we both get it, or neither do.
Then I saw her suffering, and my eyes lost it. And she didn’t like to see me cry, and I couldn’t afford to make her disappointed at a moment like that. So I left, leaving her alone with her pain, just carrying mine away. I got into a stairway, where almost no-one visited, and cried.
When I got back, she had left, The Gods had broken their promise, and all I was left with was, nothing.
I was rich, the desire to have her made me work hard in first half of my life, the second half was inspired by her desire to see me successful, but thus I said: nothing.
So now I have an answer, I will desire to see her death, while sitting on her grave, and gods will take me to her. That is the one moment I need to live, because that is the only moment I’ve lost.
So I am here now, outside the window, I can see myself trying to hold back my tears, then being betrayed by my eyes and leaving.
When I left, it was the time I needed to go in, so I have to do it now. I go inside and see only one thing, the only thing of her I haven’t seen, the last breaths.
I take my seat beside her, but she seems like she doesn’t know, how would she? I’m just a soul, and living eyes are prone to things that don’t have mass. I raise my hands towards hers, I want to cry again, but won’t. I slowly try to touch her hand, and she turns towards me, but she can’t see me, I think.
She closes her fingers, both of our hands unite, and she proves me wrong this time, she can see me. Now I can’t hold, my tears start to fall out, and she cries too, the last thing both of us wanted to see, was to see each other cry, but these tears are too thick to let that happen. I lean in, she raises her head to kiss me. She does not say anything, but somehow I know her desire, it is to rise up.
I support her, and she’s standing now, it has been 4 years since she stood up, and it has been 2 years of her death, my tears aren’t stopping, and I can feel it’s the same way with her.
Now her feet aren’t on the slippery ground, as she has slipped, but she isn’t afraid, as she’s in my arms. Everything is disappearing, only me and she stand there, her feet aren’t on ground, neither are mine, so we don’t have to raise or bend in desire, we just have to do what we want.
The Gods of Destiny, may not be perfect, may not be always be right, but can always correct their errors.
Her body lies in on her death bed, it would be casted into her grave while mine would be found on top of it. Both without souls, because we have transcended beyond reach, finally, together.