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Dec 10, 2019

General

Snuggled in between his throw pillow and heated blanket, Sheldon was content. It was 4am after a tiresome day of Sheldon’s battle for social justice, usually in the form of Facebook arguments. Whether it was orphans, immigration, environmental care, or gay rights, Sheldon was always at the front lines. With quick wit and fierce typing, Sheldon would respond to vile posts written by “degenerate scum”. Among many things, Sheldon would be an outspoken voice against buying animals. Whenever he would see someone post about their new pet, he would comment in disgust, “This doesn’t look like a rescue. Why would you buy an animal when there’s million suffering in shelters?” 

Meanwhile, however, sitting beside him was his hairless Sphynx cat, Charity. Sheldon purchased Charity for no more than $8,000. When confronted with this, Sheldon would protest, “I’m deathly allergic of animals! Charity is the only cat that I could live with!” Though, in reality, Sheldon was not allergic. Sheldon hated shedding and that was all to it.

As it came to environmental care, Sheldon proudly proclaimed that he was vegetarian. He attested that a vegetarian diet was the only way a true environmental activist could live. He would also retell the horrors he faced as a child when he figured out he was allergic to all meats. Though, in reality, Sheldon was not allergic to meat. Nor was he a vegetarian when in the comfort of his own home. 

But as it came to immigration, last year Sheldon was quoted saying, “Mexican food is the most disgusting cuisine alive! They ought to learn from us Americans!” When confronted with this, Sheldon would protest, “I’m deathly allergic to oregano! That’s all I was saying!” Though, in reality, Sheldon was not allergic. Sheldon was just a wimp when it came to spicy food. 

This night, his legs were outstretched on his couch as he perused the T.V. He began to shove his left-over chicken nuggets into his mouth, the drool gentle falling down as the sweet taste of Chick Fil A took control of his saliva. With his other hand, he flipped to find a decent show. It seemed that every channel was filled with nothingness and void. He couldn’t be bothered to look at the news (since he checked it on his insta last week). As it came to reality shows, they were finished around 12am. Staring at his screen, he awaited for something to catch his eye.

As he flickered across the channel, a voice came from his surround sound, “Are you a hard working warrior trying to make the World a better place?”

Sheldon’s eyes widen. He mouthed, “Why, yes! Yes I am!”

“Are you tired of seeing your friends continually fail at being the person you have become?” On the screen was a sharply dressed man. He was a handsome man. Yet, the man’s hair was combed back and had a few pieces that were sticking out. Sheldon didn't approve of his hairdresser's design, but still, Sheldon leaned in.

“Don’t you wish your friends could be just as disciplined as you?”

Sheldon nodded.

“Or maybe, you wish you could train your friends...” As the man spoke, he lifted a small dog in the air. The dog was a Maltese puppy with a bright pink collar and a bedazzled leash. Surely this Maltese was from a breeder, much to Sheldon’s distaste. Yet, he listened. The man exclaimed, “Like a dog!”

Then, on the top of his lungs, he screamed at the dog, “WAS YOUR COLLAR FAIR-TRADE?!”

The dog stared bewildered at the camera. Sheldon couldn't help but giggle. What a silly dog! Following this, the camera narrowed onto the announcer, “Then perhaps what you need is Fake-adryl!” 

Fake-adryl? Sheldon cocked his head, leaning in so closely that Charity the Cat was flung off his lap. Charity hissed, but Sheldon ignored her. Sheldon had to know more. His friends were hopeless cases, seemingly unaware of the injustice and evils of the World. If only training them could be as easy as it was to train Charity! 

“Fake-adryl is the alternative for passive-aggressively dismissing your friends when they offer you a bratwurst at their son’s half-birthday party!” The announcer said, “Fake-adryl provides you the symptoms of an allergic reaction. So if you aren’t gluten-free but you see Susan bringing that potato casserole, take Fake-adyrl! In minutes, your body will react as if your local Whole Foods caught on fire. Allergy symptoms sprout in seconds, leaving your friend ashamed they ever brought such a heinous dish!” 

Sheldon’s mouth gaped wide open. He began to imagine the horrendous events hosted by his uncivilized friends. He couldn’t help but stare into the announcer’s eyes. Could this be true? 

The announcer continued, “Unlike popular, animal-tested allergy medication like Allegra and Benadryl, Fake-adryl has only been tested on white, straight, Republican males!” 

Thank God.

“Fake-adryl is not for everyone,” explained the announcer. The camera then switched to a beautiful sunset. Sheldon marveled in awe as the announcer mumbled, “When taking Fake-adryl, you will experience rashes, swelling, redness of the eyes, and bluriness. Certain side effects of Hypochondriasis, alienation, loss of friends, and inflated self-esteem will occur. The longer you want to be an asshole, moderate to severe reactions may occur. Talk to your doctor immediately if your throat begins to swell, you experience hallucinations, vomiting, swelling of the throat, asphyxiation, or death, as these may be life-threatening side effects. Do not take it with alcohol as this will blur your already clouded conscious.”

Sheldon was no longer paying attention. The beautiful scenery was so attractive to him, especially the gorgeous sunset behind a line of trees. The camera then focused onto the announcer. The announcer cradled his dog in his arms. Sheldon’s heart was warm as he saw the gentle dog, asleep. The man concluded, “Talk to your doctor about Fake-adryl. Fake-adryl: Fake an allergic reaction to change the World... your way!"

The advert concluded with the same, beautiful sunset. The logo appeared, then faded gently into the forest. All Sheldon could do was utter, "This is brilliant!"

"I finally can do it!" exclaimed Sheldon, "I can classically condition my friends to see the justice that's needed in the World!"

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